20 June, 2013

Confessions of a newly pregnant infertile

Confessions of a newly pregnant infertile. . .

I looooove being pregnant - It is pretty much all Josh and I talk about when we are togther and it makes me so happy to share this with him and to see him so excited by all of it.

We have a dry erase board in our computer room titled "Possible Names of Parasites" Baby's, yes he currently calls them my parasites, since they are sapping up all of my energy, lol. Oh, and currently we only have boy names on that list. Somehow I feel we're going to be graced with two girls, hehehe.

I still have the craziest dreams, so crazy that the other night I was growing butterflies out of my nipples, it was kind of gross, but their little legs would sprout out and then the wings. . . soooooo odd.

I've been spotting since week 5, it tapered off a little last week, but returned - I'm not too worried about it now, but it really weighed heavily on my mind those first 6 weeks.

I sleep only a few hours at a time, because I spend all night getting up to go pee, lol. It's not until about 7am-10 that I really, really fall asleep and of course that's when all my work emails start rolling through. I'm no stranger to having to pee a lot. Having Endo has made my bladder hate me for quite some time, but it was never really a night thing, so this waking up thing is taking a little getting used to. I can tell that I've made it more difficult for Josh to stay asleep, haha. . . poor thing.

I have a miscarriage or baby loss dream at least once a week. I really hate those and tend to wake up more depressed on those days.

I have felt depression on some days and I'm not 100% sure why, maybe the overwhelming surges of hormones taking over my body or I think as I approach my next sonogram (tomorrow) at 8w2d I feel anxious and nervous that something could be wrong. I've been so used to things just falling apart right when I start to feel okay about them. I don't really think anything is wrong, but there is always that overwhelming fearful feeling when one has suffered multiple miscarriages, you just never know. I feel better this week than I did last week, so that's great!! This will be the furthest I've made it with a healthy pregnancy if all goes well. Last time in 2011 it was about this time when our little bean's heart stopped beating *sigh* what a sad feeling, I'm so ready for tomorrow to know everything is still progressing smoothly. I think I will really, really cry tomorrow when all is well. I cried a bit at our first sono, but tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for. I have a feeling it will really sink in tomorrow or at least feel a little more real :)

Part of me feels like this pregnancy hasn't fully sank in yet, because my Grandmother/Mom is not here and I haven't been able to share it with her. She was my cheerleader and asked me about the details every week that I went to visit her, she passed in February and it just feels like without her knowing it's not really real. . . I know that sounds crazy, but I think maybe I need to go visit her grave, have a good cry and tell her all about it. . . I really need to do that after tomorrow. . . maybe on Sunday.

I feel extremely shy around my Biological Mom when she talks about my pregnancy, the babies, stares at my belly area or askes to see if I have a bump or to show others my little bump?!?!? What is wrong with me? I also feel like everything I say we're going to do, like cloth diapering, she kind of has this attitude of "Well you'll see" I feel like that is such a negative statement. I know she's been there done that, but this is our adventure, not hers. . . we'll do it how we damn well please. I hate that I feel sensitive to everything she says, I know she cares and is so excited. . . maybe I resent that my grandmother isn't here and I'm partially annoyed with my Mom, because she's not my grandmother?!?!?. Stupid hormones, lol.

I have not had any more nausea, so maybe this is also adding to me nervous thoughts, lol. I know its very common for woman not to have nausea, so I guess I should feel lucky. Again. . . I think I'll feel better after tomorrow. It is just so crazy how the brain chooses certain things to fester on.

For the first few weeks after I found out we had a BFP I felt sad and unwilling to talk about it with my Infertile/TTC community online, which has been a truly amazing support system. About half way through my IVF cycle another very good online/TTC friend was going through IVF too, first round. I just knew we were going to be pregnant together. Well. . .she found out hers did not work a few days after I announced our BFP. . . I felt so broken hearted for her, and in turn I felt afraid to share how I was doing for fear of her feeling like I was rubbing it in her face. Truly and honestly, I know she would not feel that way about me. . . but she was pretty crushed and I just felt I could not be as open. As an infertile, even though you are happy when your long time infertile friends finally get that BFP, it still hurts no matter how you look at it. It's a different kind of hurt, but definitely still a sting from deep withing, nonetheless. I still kind of feel that way, I guess these are my years of infertility feelings bubbling to the surface. . . Hopefully it will go away soon. I think when you are infertile those feeling never leave you, even when you are successful and finally have a baby of your own. . . you will always remember the gut wrenching pain you went through to get your rainbow.

Regardless of all these crazy, overwhelming, sensitive thoughts. . . I feel so amazingly blessed to be here today saying, "Hey, I'm pregnant"!!! It still feel sooooooo crazy to say that!!! But when I mention it to someone who doens't really know me, I get this little grin on my face :)

I have to put my feelings somewhere so they don't eat me alive, so maybe I'll start blogging a little more than I have in the past year. I used to blog like a mad woman, almost weekly, and I dropped off last summer after IUI # 3 failed. I feel a little like an imposter right now, like really. . . I'm really pregnant? Is this for real?? Hahaha. 

So please do not take my feelings as being "unhappy about my pregnancy" or "complaining", I am in no way unhappy, just protective of my heart and feelings. 

I know in the TTC world once interfiles get pregnant, ttcers and other people assume that you shit jellybeans, sparkle with ultimate bliss and dance on clouds 24 hours a day, but that's not how it is. Pregnancy is scary, fun, exciting, and again. . . scary, lol.

 Okay. . . I think I'm done with my random pregnancy babble. 

Have a fabulous day my peeps and for those still in the trenches of TTC 
My heart is with you always!!
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9 comments:

  1. Shitting jellybeans yea I definitely was not doing that or always sparkling. Pregnancy is hard and scary I could not agree more. However, it is wonderful and once your babies are here you miss being pregnant. Anyhoo, I am just so happy for you!!

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  2. I continue to be so excited for you and can't wait to hear positive news from the sono. And I think visiting her grave is a wonderful idea.

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  3. I am so happy for you! I'm 5 weeks today and scared shitless, to put it bluntly. All these pregnant after IF feelings are crazy! I thought about it a lot in the last seven years, but man, nothing I had in my head compares to the sheer terror (and awesomeness rolled into one). I'm having a hard time accepting that things will work out because I haven't had any losses and this is my first BFP. I feel like something will happen because it does to so many people. Thinking of you! I hope you get to go visit your grandma's grave this weekend.

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  4. Oh yes, the whole pregnancy journey is terrifying -- I would say more terrifying than the fear during IF treatment that you'll never get pregnant. But it's weird, because I would take being pregnant and terrified any day over being stuck with BFNs for the rest of my life. I think you've got a great attitude so far and are just navigating all the bumps in the road and symptoms (or lack thereof) and crazy mom and whatnot as best you can. I would totally choke on the words "I'm pregnant" for the entire first trimester whenever I had to say them in public -- but you'll gradually start to really own it, especially as your tummy grows and you get past the first 12 weeks. Can't wait to see how your 2nd sono goes -- I know it's gonna be great!

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  5. I found your sight through Facebook. First i want to say congratulations. Second i admire your strength. My husband and i have been going through the infertile thing for 2 years, had 2iui"s, 4 miscarriages (one being an ectopic). Finally street seeing 3obs1 specialist i talked to my pray and he did the hormone testing that showed i was progesterone low with aluteral phase defect. We're about to start trying again next cycle and i am terrified. I hope i can find the strength that you have....or at least a fraction of it

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  6. Correction... after seeing 3obs1 specialist i talked to my primary

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  7. Love this recent blog! Happy that you have passed the milestone with the twins and more is yet come, C!

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  8. First of all, so sorry about your Grandmom. I wish that she could be here with you during this sweet, joyous time.

    You can totally do the cloth diaper thing. We do it and love it. It has absolutely been a learning process, but definitely doable...as long as you're not easily grossed out. (-:

    I had morning sickness with my first baby whom I ended up miscarrying at 19 weeks and I didn't have any nausea whatsoever with my second pregnancy which resulted in a healthy baby girl. As much as you can, try not to read into that stuff.

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  9. I'm so happy to find you again (I had been following you but lost track when I started a new blog) and to hear that you got your BFP!! I'm divorced now and surprise-pregnant with my fiance, and he's pretty sure that I've had undiagnosed endo all this time (he's done more research than I have!), so I still don't know if I'm a real infertile...I've turned into one of those people I hate hearing about, who meet someone new and get pregnant, and it feels really weird, but I also don't know, especially if it is endo, if I'll be able to conceive again.

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