31 August, 2013

Twin Gender Reveal!!

When old blogger friends are finding my Facebook and YouTube to find out what is going on in my life, I know it is about time to make another blog post, haha. 

I'm really sorry for keeping my readers in the dark. I feel so bad sometimes that I have thrown blogger to the side, but making a post these days seems so difficult, my brain starts off fairly well and then it all turns to crap and mush. I guess we as bloggers all have phases in life where blogging is needed and when it isn't. I've often blogged in times of sadness and personal exploration. I think. . . I have also felt awkward about putting all my pregnancy stuff here since it was always my infertility blog. I know how hard it was as an infertile to see nothing but pregnancy posts in my blog feed, so I didn't want to do that to anyone.

So without too much babbling. . .

We found out recently that we are having twin BOYS!!!! 
It was such an amazing feeling finding out, truly indescribable. Josh and I could not be any happier.

We found out on a Monday and had a party with friends and family on that following Tuesday. 
It was soooo much fun. I will post the video link below for anyone that wants to watch our Gender Reveal and us finding out the genders at out anatomy scan.

Life is changing. . .
I am so excited, so happy and so blessed to be here today at18 weeks pregnant with two precious little boys. I am the happiest I've been in a really, really, really long time.

On another note. . .
I miss my Mom (grandma) so much. . . I still have days where I suddenly realize, again, that she isn't here and it's like a stabbing pain in my heart. Sometimes the feeling will catch me by surprise and that is really the worst. :( I drive and hear songs that bring tears to my eyes, I think of her often and wish to tell her so many things. I still have nights where I'm alone and I cry and think of her and the friendship that we shared. Life has been a little crazy with my Dad since she's been gone, but that is a whole other story. I still can't believe she is not here with me; that I don't make the trek across town each week to see her. I never could have imagined I'd miss it this much. She would be absolutely thrilled to know we were having twins and that we've made it this far, she was a twin her self!!! When I had the last miscarriage in 2011, I just remember crawling into bed with her on one of my visits and bawling my eyes out. She rubbed my hands the way she always did, pet my hair and told me one day I would be a mother, that she just knew it. Outside of blogging and my best friend Anna, she was the only person I really talked to about my infertility struggles. She always asked me about it and I always felt okay talking to her, because she truly listened to everything and knew just how much my heart hurt. . . I miss her so much *sigh*.

Any-who. . .Other than losing her almost 7 months ago - Life is great, I am blessed and in love with these little boys already. Josh has been amazing to me, truly amazing. He is so excited and this pregnancy has changed us both in so many ways already.

Gender Reveal!!

Most recent pregnancy Vlog - 17 weeks!!


21 June, 2013

Everything is fantastic!!

 We had our 2nd sonogram today and everything was amazing!!!
Two perfectly beating hearts at 164 & 160

I am so relieved and sooooo happy 

Happy Summer Solstice Everyone
And thank you all for the fantastic comments from yesterdays post!!

 Baby A on the left & Baby B on the right
I'm in love


20 June, 2013

Confessions of a newly pregnant infertile

Confessions of a newly pregnant infertile. . .

I looooove being pregnant - It is pretty much all Josh and I talk about when we are togther and it makes me so happy to share this with him and to see him so excited by all of it.

We have a dry erase board in our computer room titled "Possible Names of Parasites" Baby's, yes he currently calls them my parasites, since they are sapping up all of my energy, lol. Oh, and currently we only have boy names on that list. Somehow I feel we're going to be graced with two girls, hehehe.

I still have the craziest dreams, so crazy that the other night I was growing butterflies out of my nipples, it was kind of gross, but their little legs would sprout out and then the wings. . . soooooo odd.

I've been spotting since week 5, it tapered off a little last week, but returned - I'm not too worried about it now, but it really weighed heavily on my mind those first 6 weeks.

I sleep only a few hours at a time, because I spend all night getting up to go pee, lol. It's not until about 7am-10 that I really, really fall asleep and of course that's when all my work emails start rolling through. I'm no stranger to having to pee a lot. Having Endo has made my bladder hate me for quite some time, but it was never really a night thing, so this waking up thing is taking a little getting used to. I can tell that I've made it more difficult for Josh to stay asleep, haha. . . poor thing.

I have a miscarriage or baby loss dream at least once a week. I really hate those and tend to wake up more depressed on those days.

I have felt depression on some days and I'm not 100% sure why, maybe the overwhelming surges of hormones taking over my body or I think as I approach my next sonogram (tomorrow) at 8w2d I feel anxious and nervous that something could be wrong. I've been so used to things just falling apart right when I start to feel okay about them. I don't really think anything is wrong, but there is always that overwhelming fearful feeling when one has suffered multiple miscarriages, you just never know. I feel better this week than I did last week, so that's great!! This will be the furthest I've made it with a healthy pregnancy if all goes well. Last time in 2011 it was about this time when our little bean's heart stopped beating *sigh* what a sad feeling, I'm so ready for tomorrow to know everything is still progressing smoothly. I think I will really, really cry tomorrow when all is well. I cried a bit at our first sono, but tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for. I have a feeling it will really sink in tomorrow or at least feel a little more real :)

Part of me feels like this pregnancy hasn't fully sank in yet, because my Grandmother/Mom is not here and I haven't been able to share it with her. She was my cheerleader and asked me about the details every week that I went to visit her, she passed in February and it just feels like without her knowing it's not really real. . . I know that sounds crazy, but I think maybe I need to go visit her grave, have a good cry and tell her all about it. . . I really need to do that after tomorrow. . . maybe on Sunday.

I feel extremely shy around my Biological Mom when she talks about my pregnancy, the babies, stares at my belly area or askes to see if I have a bump or to show others my little bump?!?!? What is wrong with me? I also feel like everything I say we're going to do, like cloth diapering, she kind of has this attitude of "Well you'll see" I feel like that is such a negative statement. I know she's been there done that, but this is our adventure, not hers. . . we'll do it how we damn well please. I hate that I feel sensitive to everything she says, I know she cares and is so excited. . . maybe I resent that my grandmother isn't here and I'm partially annoyed with my Mom, because she's not my grandmother?!?!?. Stupid hormones, lol.

I have not had any more nausea, so maybe this is also adding to me nervous thoughts, lol. I know its very common for woman not to have nausea, so I guess I should feel lucky. Again. . . I think I'll feel better after tomorrow. It is just so crazy how the brain chooses certain things to fester on.

For the first few weeks after I found out we had a BFP I felt sad and unwilling to talk about it with my Infertile/TTC community online, which has been a truly amazing support system. About half way through my IVF cycle another very good online/TTC friend was going through IVF too, first round. I just knew we were going to be pregnant together. Well. . .she found out hers did not work a few days after I announced our BFP. . . I felt so broken hearted for her, and in turn I felt afraid to share how I was doing for fear of her feeling like I was rubbing it in her face. Truly and honestly, I know she would not feel that way about me. . . but she was pretty crushed and I just felt I could not be as open. As an infertile, even though you are happy when your long time infertile friends finally get that BFP, it still hurts no matter how you look at it. It's a different kind of hurt, but definitely still a sting from deep withing, nonetheless. I still kind of feel that way, I guess these are my years of infertility feelings bubbling to the surface. . . Hopefully it will go away soon. I think when you are infertile those feeling never leave you, even when you are successful and finally have a baby of your own. . . you will always remember the gut wrenching pain you went through to get your rainbow.

Regardless of all these crazy, overwhelming, sensitive thoughts. . . I feel so amazingly blessed to be here today saying, "Hey, I'm pregnant"!!! It still feel sooooooo crazy to say that!!! But when I mention it to someone who doens't really know me, I get this little grin on my face :)

I have to put my feelings somewhere so they don't eat me alive, so maybe I'll start blogging a little more than I have in the past year. I used to blog like a mad woman, almost weekly, and I dropped off last summer after IUI # 3 failed. I feel a little like an imposter right now, like really. . . I'm really pregnant? Is this for real?? Hahaha. 

So please do not take my feelings as being "unhappy about my pregnancy" or "complaining", I am in no way unhappy, just protective of my heart and feelings. 

I know in the TTC world once interfiles get pregnant, ttcers and other people assume that you shit jellybeans, sparkle with ultimate bliss and dance on clouds 24 hours a day, but that's not how it is. Pregnancy is scary, fun, exciting, and again. . . scary, lol.

 Okay. . . I think I'm done with my random pregnancy babble. 

Have a fabulous day my peeps and for those still in the trenches of TTC 
My heart is with you always!!

10 June, 2013

Our first sonogram IVF/Pregnancy

Holy crap. . . 

We are having twins!!!! 
We found out on Friday, June 7th *sigh* Today I am officially 6wks5days and the sonogram was at done at 6wks2days. We were able to hear two healthy heartbeats and confirmed the babies were measuring right on. Baby A was 6wks2days and Baby B was 6wks3days!!! 
I feel so amazingly blessed ♥ Our next sonogram will be on June 21st at 8wks2days!!

We are due on January 28th, 2014
I'm just going to go with - Sometime in January and hopefully not any sooner!!!

6Week/2Day Twin Sonogram

Pregnancy symptoms up to this point.

Extremely vivid dreams, almost every night.
For the first 5 weeks I have eatan hard boiled or scrambled eggs every morning with salsa.
Nausea throughout the day, but nothing too crazy. mainly when I haven't eaten.
Highly sensitive to smells. . .
I have been sneezing more than usual.
Tender breast and nipples. . .
  Super exhausted, I take a lot of naps and I've never been a nap taker.
I seem to despise most sweets and crave salty and vinegary things.
Very little energy or motivation to want to do anything, lol.

I'm loving every minute of this and Josh has been amazing ♥

26 May, 2013

It worked!!!

BETA Results. . .

Wednesday, May 22 = 324
Friday, May 24th = 788

I. am. sooooooooo excited and happy and nervous and just so many things I can't fully express!!!
I'm reamaining cautiously optimistic for now.

Our first sonogram is scheduled for June 7th. . . I'm still on cloud 9 :)

Josh and I celebrated our 10 wedding anniversary on Friday too. . .
Best anniversary gift ever, ever!!!!

17 May, 2013

Now we wait!!

Right now life seems a little surreal and a little crazy all at the same time, Haha. 

On Monday, May 8th I went in for an egg retrieval, we collected 18!!
The next morning I got the call that 15 fertilized normally.

On day 3 we still had 15 fertilized and no fragmentation.
On day 5 we had two beautiful grade 5AA eggs put back - Eeeek!!
The next morning we learned that we had 13 embryos make it to the freezer

*Happy Dance*

Wow. . .

I'm beyond excited and nervous and scared and overjoyed and. . . so many things. 
I'm schedled for my BETA on May 22nd :) 

Josh and I celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary on the 24th!! 

Work has been more stressful in the last 3 weeks than it has in two freaking years *sigh* I'm trying to remain as positive as I can and trying not to let the stress consume me. It will all smooth out soon enough, but I just hate that things are so darn crazy at this time. These are the times in life I wish I was a millionaire and didn't have to work, lol. But any-who. . . I'm crossing everything, praying to any and all gods and hoping with all my heart that this works for us.


08 May, 2013

We have eggs!!

Our egg retrieval went great really, really well!! 
We had a total of 17 Follicles collected this morning, Josh's sample was perfect and we'll know more tomorrow about how many were mature and how many fertilized - Eeeek. Our transfer is tentatively set for Monday. . . I'll let you all know how it goes!


07 May, 2013

IVF egg retrieval - Tomorrow Morning - Eeek!!

Ladies and Gents. . . 

I’ve been a bit quite on the Blogger front, but I did want to let everyone know that I officially go in tomorrow morning at 6:15am for my IVF egg retrieval – Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! 

*Happy Dance* 

I am beyond excited and nervous all at the same time, lol. I feel peaceful about the situation and I'm remaining as positive as I can. I’m sorry to all of my blogger friends for not really sharing much of the process with you all, but I’ve been cheating on Blogger with Youtube. I started making Vlogs, basically video blogs, and since then I haven’t felt very compelled to write out as many things anymore. On the bottom of this post I will include some video links to videos I’ve done over that past couple weeks and months, so that if anyone wants to catch up or see what’s been going on in my world then you certainly can!!

I don’t have much else to say other than - I seriously can’t believe we’re doing Egg Retrieval tomorrow. I feel so amazed that the process has so far. . . gone very smoothly. I feel like the time has flown by faster than I could ever have imagined. I did took my trigger shot last night and went back in to the fertility office this morning for a blood test to make sure the HCG is being absorbed by my body. . . Eeeeeeek!!! 

After the egg retrieval tomorrow I will be off for 3 days so I’m going to take it easy and veg out on my couch to let my body heal. Hopefully the Embryo transfer will be on Monday the 13th, but we’ll know for certain a day or two after the retrieval, if anything it would wind up on Sunday and that's Mothers day *sigh*.

So that’s it folks. . . We’re really, really doing this!! 
I will try and update after the retrieval to let you all know how I’m doing. 
Take care everyone!! 

Links to IVF Facebook Page and Youtube Channel 



06 April, 2013

IVF Update for my Bloggy Peeps!!

I know it's been a little while since I posted an IVF update on my blog so here goes!!

I had my Hysteroscopy on Tuesday March 26th and everything looked great. The surgery was quick and minimal :) There were no polyps or scar tissue found *Happy Dance*. The recovery time was very quick and I only had slight bleeding and cramping. Overall things went really smoothly.

We officially received ALL of our medications today!! Eeeeek. Josh text me today at work as soon as they arrived, hehe. Seeing that box brought a smile to my face, but when I opened it up, seeing everything in that box made me a little nervous. . . so many needles it makes my stomach a little queasy already, lol. I'm starting to feel anxious throughout the days now, I know my mind is preparing for this gigantic step we're about to take so the stress I'm feeling is something I need to get used to over the next few weeks. It's just such a nerve wracking process. But I'm suuuuuuper excited to be here!! This has been a long time coming, a long journey with lots of bumps along the way and I feel so unbelievably blessed to get this chance. Next week I will have an appointment to go over all the medications and we'll get our timeline!!! The timeline is a calendar with your medication start date, doses and your estimated egg retrieval and transfer. OMGawdddd. It feels so weird to actually say "our retrieval and transfer". Some days, many days along the way I felt like we were never going to get here, but here we are ready to dive in head first :)

For any of my blog readers that Facebook - I made a Facebook page for "The Redhead Files". Over the last year I've slacked off on blogging and it's partly due to not actively trying to conceive and partly, because I started making videos/Vlogs on YouTube!! I will be posting videos, thoughts, ups, downs, and pictures on my Facebook Page with friends and family and who ever else that wants to follow along. Cheers to IVF in 2013!!!!!

Facebook Page 


My 30th Birthday!!

I can't believe I'm THIRTY years old!! Ahhhhh -Crazy I tall ya, crazy.

All I can say is that I had a complete blast and I could not have asked for a better way to celebrate. I felt so loved and blessed to have such wonderful friends to share it with me. It was just a great day!!

We celebrated my birthday at the old Holiday Skating Rink that I used to go to as not only a kid, but as a teenager too. We dressed in our best 80's fashion, (cuz I was totally born in the 80's) and skated to old-skool 80's hits, ate hot dogs and had a few adult beverages. I kept it minimal with the alcohol, because of the fertility stuff, but I told myself it would be okay to indulge a little on my Birthday! After skating we all headed back to my house and some of us made a Harlem Shake video!!! Hahaha - IT. WAS. SOOOOO. FUN!!! Hahaha. I will share the link at the end of the post.

  I must admit that I felt a little sad on my actual Birthday, Monday March 25th. Every year since I've been an adult, my Grandmother would call me and sing "Happy Birthday" first thing in the morning on my birthdays, she was the only call I'd answer that early in the morning, lol. She did it ever year, as soon as I'd pick up and say hello, she would immediately start singing and I would get the biggest grin on my face. . . it's as if she made my birthday official by doing that, and I would go about my day feeling special and happy, hehe. This year it was just my brother who called. My Dad called a few days before, he was a bit early, but he's had stokes so he gets a free pass on that one, Haha. Oh and my sister called that evening!! It just felt weird not to get that birthday call from her, it also felt weird, because my actual birthday felt like just another day, imagine that *sigh* true adulthood right there, baby - lol. Also, two people passed away on my Birthday *sigh*  My aunts, Mom from cancer and my Accounts Payable Manager's Dad passed away from complications of pneumonia, although it seemed rather sudden :( Good grief, I need a break from people passing away. We are only 4 months into this year and I've already been to 4 funerals :|

Overall. . . I'm soooo happy to have turned 30 ♥ It feels good!!

Looking back on my 20's. . . I had a ton of fun so I'm not sad, because their gone, I'm grateful that I can look back and know I really enjoyed my them. I learned a lot, had a lot of fun, took a lot of pictures, grew up a lot, evolved as a person, as a human being, as a wife and friend. I learned that love is more valuable than ones image or material things. I learned to sacrifice my own needs for others when needed,  I learned how to survive in this crazy world, this fast moving, uncertain and ever changing world we call home. I'm alive, I have a future ahead of me, I have a car and a roof over my head, I have an amazing Husband, I have a good job, great friends, I have deep love in my life and the ability to love others. And, through all my struggles; and there have been many, I'm still so damn grateful to be here in this world, to be here living, breathing, loving, laughing, hoping and pondering. I've learned that life can be simple and for me that is total happiness.

I'm excited to see what my 30's will bring!!


My 30th Birthday Harlem Shake Video - Heheehe.


20 March, 2013

Dream from last night. . .

I had an odd dream last night. . . My dreams have been a little quiet lately. I had a few after the passing of my Grandmother, but haven't had much since. If ya can't tell I like to document my dreams on blogger from time to time. It is actually pretty cool being able to go back and read over the details, since they seem to fade a bit over time. 

So the dream. . . 

I was pregnant, huge pregnant. I was at home, I got out of bed and felt my belly was sitting really, really low. I felt around and felt some more. . . something didn't' seem right. I felt all the way down to my crotch area, lol. sorry not sure how else to say it. I could feel something down below. As I felt around even more I could feel little tiny feet sticking out of me. I immediately realized I was having the baby and grabbed onto both little feet. I pulled slowly and pulled my baby out of my body. . . It was beautiful, but not breathing. I laid it upon my chest, I wasn't freaking out or anything, I was calm. I then pressed my mouth to its mouth and breathed into its tiny lungs. . . a few more breaths later and I could feel the tiny baby's chest rise and fall, and rise and fall. After that Josh was there with me and we held our baby close together. . . watching its every move. It was amazing *sigh*. I can't tell you what the gender was, but I felt as if it was a girl. . . I just can't say for certain. 

Very strange. . . but I loved the dream. It felt so real :) 

I guess the closer we get to our IVF cycle the more active my dreams will become.! I have my Hysteroscopy on Tuesday, the day after my 30th birthday! Eeeek :)

Still can't believe I'm going to be 30 on Monday.
Have a great day everyone!!!


23 February, 2013

IVF update!!

We officially went in on February 4th for our first IVF consult appointment!!

Since my grandmother passed away the day before our appointment my brain was not really focused on the IVF stuff. The day of our appointment we were supposed to give blood and "swim team" samples, but I also had an appointment with the funeral home that day, so we didn't get to do that part, because I needed to leave earlier than expected. I've been holding out on doing anything over the last couple weeks, because I just needed more time to deal with her death. I didn't want to start blood work until I felt a little bit more normal, and less emotional. . . I'm doing better now. It is still hard and it hurts that she is gone, but I'm learning to smile again. . .

Josh and I went to the Fertility office on Friday to get things started!! I went to GNC and picked up our high antioxidant vitamins. Geeeez. . .  72.00 Bucks for a 1 month supply for both of us. *gulp*

I gave about 8 vials of blood and Josh also gave blood and a "swim team" sample. (He's such a trooper)

They did a Direct Sperm Antibody test, in the office - which came back normal!!! They are also doing a Sperm Fragmentation test, to see if we'll need IVF - ICSI.

My TSH level was normal :)

I learned that I'll need a diagnostic Hysteroscopy, as my Doctor thinks I may have a polyp. . . Uggg. On March 22nd, I'll have my pre-op appointment and on the 26th I'll have the "mini surgery" as they call it. My doctor will do it in the O.R. and put me under that way if there is a polyp, she can remove it and send it off for testing ASAP.

Once I get the Hysteroscopy done, we'll go back into the office and go over all of our blood work and swim-team tests. Then we'll set up a start date for our IVF cycle and go over the medication process. I think we'll have to schedule a class with the nurse to teach us how to do the injections, what to mix, when to mix and all that good stuff.

Holy Crap. (O.o) -  I'm getting more excited each day!!!


A new challenge. . .

The realization that my Grandmother is gone really set in this week . .

My Grandmother always helped my Dad when he ran into problems, I have helped him too, but now that she is gone. . . he becomes my responsibility. *sigh*. My family is not the type to jump in an help, so I do not expect anything from them, which is okay, because I'm used to that. I don't mean to say that in a bad way, I love my family with all my heart, but now there is no one left to swoop in and rescue him when he can't help his self. So now, I'll take the reins and I will try and keep my sanity.

My Dad has had several strokes over a 6 year period of time. He suffers with COPD, cirrhosis of the liver and can't communicate with most people because of the strokes. My Dad had been staying with my brother over the last several months, they don't get along very well. Last week my Dad left my brothers and went to my Aunts house to stay, then he went to the Hospital. He was there for about 4 days and is now out. He had a flare up of his COPD, and now the doctors are putting him on oxygen throughout the day. When he got out of the hospital yesterday he had no where to go, so I got him a room at a motel down the street for the next week. He get's a disability social security check each month so he has funds, but he doens't have enough to get a place right now and doesn't get paid until the 1st of March. Josh and I are going to help him with a deposit on an apartment that is literally 5 minutes from my house, so I know once we get him settled into a place things will be a bit easier to handle. But right now. . . I feel so overwhelmed with what I'm supposed to do. I need to get him on some sort of housing assistance, but last time I checked there was a 3 year waiting list. I feel anxious about helping him, because I know it is up to me now. I need to write down all of his doctors info and insurance crap and so on. . . His mail already comes to my house, I guess I should start opening it up to figure out what is going on with him, he's unable to read and can't really tell me anything.

I'm fine taking care of my Dad. I've done it before, with all his doctors appointments and stuff, so I'm not concerned about that. Most people in my family don't understand why I won't let him live with me, and that's the part that is hard. Feeling the judgment of others, who in all actuality don't even give a shit about him is hard. And, I wont let him live with me, but I will help him in all other ways I possibly can. I have my reasons. My Dad continues to drink on a daily basis (wakes up at 8am to get a quart of beer and it goes on throughout the day), he is a mean grouchy person who doens't get along with most anyone. Guilt, from not allowing him to live with me is hard to swallow sometimes, but I'm not going to put his happiness above mine or Josh's. Him living with me would make our relationship strained, and like I said, he is kind of a mean person. Emotionally he is destroyed and has been for years, so it makes him a very bitter person, he thinks everyone is out to get him and feels entitled to being taken care of. So, I'm doing what I can the best way I know how. I know my Dad appreciates what I'm doing to help him, but I feel sad for him not being able to do things for his self like he used to. I know he gets very frustrated at times and that is hard to watch.

A few days after my Grandmothers funeral, my Dad called me to let me know he'd run out of gas, he needed me to come and get him, he was at a park in our city. He could not tell me how to get to him. Because of the strokes he's had, he could only tell me that he could see my old school. He stutters on the phone and shakes his hand as if he is creating the word with his movements. I drove around for 20 minutes going to every park I knew of and finally had to call Josh to look up a map of our city so I could find him. . . At least I know what park he likes to go hang out at now, so next time I'll know where to go when he runs out of gas. I just wish his mind worked the right way.

Life is one thing after another.
Thanks for listening!!
I just needed a place to put my feelings. . .


19 February, 2013

Random dreams in February

The day after my grandmothers funeral I had a dream that I was looking for something. After searching for what seemed like hours, I finally found a turtle and it seemed to be what I was looking for all along! 

I dreamed I was pregnant, I was in the hospital waiting to give birth in a room of family and friends, it was a happy time, I could feel the babies moving inside of me. .. it was so real. I was so happy, Josh was sitting right there in bed with me. It was soooo odd :)

Saying goodbye. . .

She was the matriarch of my family, the queen, mother to all, the glue that held us all together, the tough cookie who always forgave and opened her heart and mind to those around her. She was my rock, my friend and my biggest fan. She was the grandmother who I eventually called Mom :)

It has been two weeks and one day since she left this earth, since my heart broke and my perception of life changed. I feel so differently about life right now, I can't really explain it. I have cried every single day since she left. Some days are a bit easier than others. I'm getting a little better each day, but it still hurts my heart tremendously. I was not prepared to say goodbye so soon. I know that no one is really ever prepared to say goodbye, but I guess a small part of me never imagined life without her.

I still can't believe she is gone. *sigh* I never imagined I could miss someone so much and I never imagined it would hurt this much. I know the days will get better, as they feel differently each day already. I have felt grief before with my miscarriages and infertility, I understand that it's something that will always be a part of me. There will be many good days ahead *sigh* it will just take some time for my heart. . .

We had a very close relationship. I have been visiting my Grandmother every week for the last 4+ years, with the exception of being sick or being on vacation. I would do things that she needed, make her food, watch TV in bed with her, talk to her and listen to her vent about little things in life, tell her it was going to be okay, and how much I loved her. I felt sad that she was lonely at times, and I knew she enjoyed my company. she just needed someone to talk to more than anything else - I knew that about her. That is why I visited her, even on the days when I felt tired and worn out from work, I'd still go and feel better once I got there. If I was in a bad mood when I got there she would always talk to me and ask me why, and make me tell her all about it. No matter what it was, she'd always make me feel better :)

I think when I got to a certain age in my 20's I realized how much older she was getting and that's when I started making it a point to visit her at least once a week. In the beginning it felt like more of an obligation, but over time I grew to really enjoy our visits, I looked forward to them, to just sitting and talking or just sitting with one another while she watched her shows. We talked every other day. She was and always will be the best Mother I could have ever asked for. She was hard on me growing up and good lord we had some turbulent times, but we grew into amazing friends. I always felt extremely protective of her and I will always have a great respect for her as a woman, mother and human being! We talked about all things in life; love, relationships,  religion, sex, life, politics, hope. . . she was blunt sometimes and didn't like to hide her feelings, she wasn't shy and she always told you the truth even if it might hurt your feelings a little bit Inside and out she was a beautiful person who was flawed like any one else, but she knew she was flawed and that is what made her so beautiful. She lived her life for her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.  She loved with every fiber of her being and I will truly miss her until I am old and gray. She was not my birth mother, but raised me as her own and was the only mother I knew until I got to be 16 and started to get to know my real Mom. Even after meeting and getting to know my, Mom. . . I still went to my grandmother for everything, I mean after all, she was my mom and she knew every little thing about me, every embarrassing detail, every fear and every joyous moment of my life.

Yesterday, February 17th, I planted a yellow rose bush in my back yard, well, actually I planted two. The yellow (her favorite rose), and an orange one that will remind me of who she was in the last part of her life. She loved bright colors and really became attached to the bright orange, so when they bloom this year, I will know that she is with me.

I have tried to blog since her death, but I just haven't known what to say. So I think I'll write out the events of what happened. . . as a way to remember, and get it all out somewhere.

On February 3rd I called my grandmothers phone at 9:20 in the morning, she didn't answer. I called her the day before and she sounded disoriented and sleepy, so I let her go and said I'd call her in the morning. I called my Dad a few minutes after she did not answer, I was worried. When I called he was already there and being let into the apartment, because she didn't answer my Dads calls. I was on the phone and heard everything as it happened, she was there on the floor, cold, lifeless. . . gone. Gone. Just like that my world came crazing down in an instant. My Dad sounded so lost, he kept saying "she's cold, she's cold, she's gone"  I wanted to run to him, to her, but there was nothing that I could do, she was already gone. I was sitting in the computer room with Josh when I made the call to my Dad. I jumped out of the chair so fast and ran straight thorough the house into my bedroom and collapsed at the edge of my bed landing on the floor, I was hysterical. I sobbed uncontrollably in complete shock and screamed "Noooooo, Mom, nooooo" My heart felt like it was pulled straight from my chest.

I could not believe she was gone. I had just seen her a few days before that for our weekly visit. I demanded that my Dad drive straight to my house, I just wanted to throw my arms around him and cry. I got off the phone with my Dad and Josh was holding me on the floor. I could not stop crying, then I was angry and overwhelmed with emotions. I got up and told Josh "I fee like I need to do something, things need to be done" I stood there in shock, I felt restless, anxious and sick. I went out into the back yard and called my Mom. As soon as she picked up the phone I lost it, she could not ever understand a word I said. I calmed enough to tell her "Madeline is gone, she passed away, find C.J (my brother). C.J was at church, I sobbed and pleaded with my Mom to go get him. I got off the phone with her and called my best friend Anna, then my Job. Then, I went to my sisters apartment while I waited for my brother to get home. All I remember is sitting on the stairs to my sisters apartment crying into her arms. Once my brother got there we cried, hugged and cried some more. We went back to my house and waited for my Dad. He got to my house and was in complete shock. His body would not stop shaking and he barley spoke a word. He brought my grandmothers phone with him, as I'd asked. I immediately started at the top, I called everyone, each call broke my heart into more and more pieces. It came as such a shock to everyone. . . no one expected this, no one. Yes, I know, you never expect death. But I guess part of me always thought if she was going to go, that it would be in a hospital setting where I'd know what was happening and have a chance to say goodbye.

The next day I went with my cousin, Talina and my two Aunts to the funeral home to plan the arrangements. My grandmother had me listed as her beneficiary to her life insurance policy, so I needed to fill out all if the paperwork. Sitting in that room trying to pick out poems and songs and caskets was heart wrenching, so raw and so real. I felt so numb in that moment. After I left the funeral home I got the key to my Grandmothers apartment and decided I'd better go. I needed to get some pictures for the slide show at her funeral and I knew she kept an album. Just walking into the building brought tears to my eyes. The smell of the elevator made me think of her. . . I got to the door turned the key and lost it completely. I ran into her bedroom and collapsed into her side of the bed. I grabbed her pillows and pulled them close to me, I sobbed and cried and sobbed and cried. I don't know that I've ever cried that hard in my life. I sat there for what seemed like an hour, but what must have only been about 10 minutes. I looked around at everything, I could not believe she was gone. . . I went into her bathroom and got a purple sweater from her dirty laundry. I wanted something with her smell on it, her scent. In that moment of being in her apartment, even though she was gone. . . I felt close to her. I felt like she was with me in that room. My mind kept going over every detail of our last visit. . . I went home that night and wrote her obituary and picked out pictures of her life to put in the slideshow.I cried and drank wine, it felt like the emotions were giant ocean waves and they just crashed over me one by one. . .

The first of my family arrived Tuesday night, then the rest on Wednesday. We held the viewing on Wednesday and the funeral on Thursday February 7th at 2pm, it was a beautiful day. Her funeral was beautiful, everything was lovely and she would have loved everything.

The last two weeks have been full of so much emotion, pain, joy and heartache. I still find myself waking up and thinking " I can't believe she's gone".

Josh and I had our IVF consult on February 4th, the day after my Grandmother passed away. I thought about canceling it, but I knew she would not have wanted me to cancel. She was my Infertility cheerleader!! She was so ecstatic about us doing IVF and told me "I know this is going to wok, baby Girl". My grandmother was there for me through all of our fertility treatments, the failed cycles, the hopeful tears, my miscarriage and everything in between. She gave me hope and helped heal my broken heart. I would always crawl up into her bed and lay next to her, she'd put her arms around me and stroke my hair or my hand, she made me feel better and knew just what to say to ease my fears. I wanted so badly to have a baby for her, for her to hold and snuggle. She always told me that I'd make an amazing mother. . . I hope I get the chance to prove her right.

Yesterday morning, exactly two weeks to the day. . . My sisters Dad passed away, my heart breaks for her. Getting that call yesterday morning brought everything right back to the surface, our family can't handle much more. Please keep her (Natalie) in your thoughts.

This month will officially go down as the worst month of 2013

03 February, 2013

I'm gonna miss her like crazy. . .

Today my heart breaks and I am filled with a great sadness. I have lost the most amazing woman in my life. My grandmother, my Mother. . . the very woman who adopted me at age 9 and raised me into the woman I am today, my best friend and my biggest cheerleader. 

I love you, Mom and I will never, ever forget you or the sacrifices you made to give me a life that I may never have had. You were my rock, I'll miss our weekly visits, your hugs and our many talks. I'll miss you more than words can say and I love you with all my heart!
I only wish. . . I could have one last hug.

Rest in Beautiful Peace
 Madeline Carol Carpenter 
May 19th, 1940 - February 3rd, 2013


25 January, 2013

Time-Lapse of tree painting!!

So. . . I finally painted the a tree on my front living room wall!!! 

I love, love. . LOVE it!! 

I even made a fancy time-lapse video for you all to see my craftiness.

Hope you are all doing well!!

IVF Consult appointment is less than two weeks away (O.o) - Eeek


02 January, 2013

Saying goodbye to 2012 with a smile!!

Happy New Year to all my fabulous Family, Friends and Followers  

I hope this New Year brings you all an overabundance of happiness, love and laughter. And most of all - I hope that 2013 brings a few long awaited BFP's to the TTC community :) Josh and I rang in the New Year with some good friends and a few strong drinks. This is basically our last hurrah, last party, last drunken night for a long while!! There will be no more beer, wine, soda or fast food for us in the new year, lol. Being healthy for IVF is our main focus!!!

Personally, I'm grateful 2012 has finally ended. The only thing about 2012 I care to say is this - I had the best summer in 2012, ever!! Better than I have had in years. Seriously, it was the best. I spent so much time with friends and making new freckles that I almost forgot that I was living the life of an infertile, lol  :)

Other than that, 2012 can suck it for all I care. Hehehe. I'd go back and sift through all the gory details, but I think I can do without reliving the relentless depression, festering anger, deep-rooted sadness and complete loss of hope. Don't get me wrong. . . it could have been worse, much worse. . . and there were definitely some great memories mixed in there. . . but still - 2012 sucked a big one.

Now it is 2013 and that means a fresh start, a new year and a new life canvas to paint - Today I woke up with an overwhelming feeling of hope and motivation!! And I finally started taking my vitamins, again :) Josh took his too!! We will get back into our routine and it will be fabulous, it's breaking all the bad habits that will be hard, lol. I started taking down all of my Christmas decor yesterday *sigh*, just getting the house back in order feels great! I'm about to paint a beautiful tree on the teal wall in the front living room. Eeeek! I'm really excited about it. It will be similar to the tree I painted in my bathroom in September of 2011. I wanted to start the tree before Christmas, but once I put my tree up, I knew there was no way I'd paint the wall until after it was all over. I will post pictures when I'm done with it. Any-who that's about it my peeps. I am going to try and catch up on all my Blogging friends this week. I feel so out of the loop on all of your journey's and lives, ugggg. I've got a lot of reading to do.

Oh and if you will. . . A dear friend of mine had to say goodbye to his Mother who was fighting a battle with Melanoma Skin Cancer on New Years Eve morning. . . He is young, under 25, she was young and in the prime of her life . . . He was very close and she was taken far too early, if you are the type that prays, please pray that he will have enough strength to make it through the coming weeks and months ahead. . . It's terribly tragic and makes my heart feel heavy for him . I mean, it is sad when anyone passes away, but when they are older you kind of understand that it is something that will happen, eventually. When they are in the middle of their life, it is tragic. . . and beyond unfair. Like I said, please keep Sean in your thoughts.