10 August, 2012

Thoughts. . .

I've sat down several times over the last couple weeks and tried to write a blog post; however. . .  they are all saved as drafts right now. They'll probably stay that way, as my brain hasn't been able to really get in the sharing mode. I either start off really well and fizzle out, or force my self to start and wind up writing a novel of repetitive feelings that make no sense. *sigh*.

So, here I am. . . Lost. . . Lost in an "in-between" world of Infertility and not quite sure how to really feel about it anymore.

We actively tried during the month of July to get pregnant. It was my last hurrah, my last chance trying on our own. One last moment to be mocked by my reproductive systems inability to do anything right. I used OPK's, pre-seed and the softcup. . . I'm on CD 32, AF is imminent, and of course I don't feel pregnant, nor do I think I am. Somehow I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe we'd get our miracle this month. Why do I do that to myself? I'm not devastated that I didn't get pregnant, because deep down I knew I wouldn't, but that tiny bit of hope floating around in my head thought it could be possible, but it's not. And, it just sucks. The reality of my Infertility pisses me the fuck off.

So, I called the RE office yesterday and asked for a prescription for BC. I was planning to do the Endo diet instead of taking BC, but I haven't even started my diet and figured I'd better take the BC so things don't get worse. I do still plan to start my diet, but at the same time I feel so defeated. I feel so many effing things that it's not even funny. I want to sulk and feel sorry for myself, but I also want to feel better and move on. . .

I don't even know if I want to do IVF anymore. I feel like it would be so much easier to just make the decision now, not to have kids so that I can move on with my life and start learning how to accept things. I feel like waiting for IVF is another few years of uncertainty that will steal away my life and my happiness and there is no guarantee that it will work. . . I feel like such a pessimist. Not everyday, but today I do.

After my RE consult in June, when she told me IVF was going to be the only way, I was angry, then happy and then ready to save money... I think I was wanting so badly to feel better that I just pretended that I was "cool" with it, but I'm not, not really. I'm still angry, still frustrated. still grieving my loss(es) and still pissed off at everything we've been through. We have nothing to show for it, but a few invisible scars and buried feelings that resurface and taunt me from time to time.

I have been enjoying the summer, so that is good. I feel like I really have fun when I do stuff with friends, but when I'm alone, I feel very alone with my thoughts. I need to start working out again, I know that will help alleviate this depression I'm feeling... It's just so hard to give your self the jump-start that is so desperately needed sometimes.

I've been doing a month long video challenge on my Youtube Channel, it is called VEDA (Video Everyday in August). I will post the link to my first VEDA on the bottom... we're now on day 10 and I'm proud to say I've actually stuck with it... let's see how if I can finish it without missing any days, hahaha.

My sister, Natalie moved back home :) It's been years since she lived close to us. I'm looking forward to spending time with her, having sister time and sister talks. One of my best friends (for the last 10 years) has fallen off the grid with a boy that hits her, and now we never talk. I've missed having a girl to vent to and she was always that person. I use to visit her at least once a week, becuase she only lived 10 minutes away, she was my escape, my laughter and my silliness. Several, several months ago she moved and wouldn't let me come see her, everything was an excuse. I knew it was, because she didn't want me to know she was still with that guy, so everything feel apart after that and now I might hear from her once a month, if that. I miss her so much, I worry about her and hope she figures life out. I was really angry inside with her at first when everything got bad. I wasn't really sure why, but then I realized it was, because after my miscarriage I needed friends more that anything and that's when she started fading away. I felt like she abandoned me as a friend, I was hurting and needed a friend and she wasn't there for me. . . I guess I'm just now starting to accept it and move on, losing a friend is hard. I know she's not gone, but in a way she is. I love her so much and will be there for her if she ever needs anything.

Any-who. Sorry this blog is so "Debbie-downer-ish" I just had to get thoughts out and put them somewhere other than my head, lol.

VEDA Challenge!!!



  1. Awww I'm sorry you're feeling down right now, I can completely relate to almost everything you talk about. My hope is that you continue forward in strength and grace. Hang in there girl!

  2. I am so glad you posted I have been thinking about you often, I refresh blogger all the time in hopes to find a post from you! I know you are feeling down right now but I am so proud to hear the bravery in your words, just know that you are not alone and that I am praying for you daily! :) and...if you ever want to take a rode trip just to shop and relax Ohio is not to far away! :)))

  3. Aawww I'm so sorry Crystal, I feel like I posted a very similar post just recently. I hate how hard this IF journey is on us. I totally get your feelings of wanting resolution, you want to either try something new now or just start moving on. I'm thinking of you and hoping you find the resolution you need soon. Big hugs friend. xoxox

  4. Hugs. Thinking of you as you work through the next steps.

  5. I found your blog recently and am sending lots of thoughts your way. I am so sorry for everything you've been through! Praying for you!

  6. I wish you the best of luck with IVF if you decide to finally head to it. Hoping the bcp work well for you. I get migraines with them.

  7. I am so sorry that you are feeling so lost at the moment. If you do decide to go with IVF, I wish you all the very best. Even though it was a lot of money and I was really angry about it for quite some time, I eventually accepted that it was our only option and in the end IVF did work for us. I hope that that gives you hope, but in the end it is your decision. I hope that the angels bring you the direction you are seeking. xx

  8. I am so amazed at how similiar we are! We both will be thirty in March and were both told that IVF was the only way this summmer. Hang in there!

  9. Sending you lots of love and big Hugz! Sorry you are so down right now and have so much to think about. Wish I could give you a hug in person.

  10. I know I cant fully relate but know you are not alone!!! We all have days, weeks, hell even months at a time where life is just too much. Its hard to deal with and especially when you feel alone. Glad your sissy is moving back-sucks to hear bout the frien, but maybe your sister can help fill that void? I hope you find peace with whatever you decide and I and Im sure others will be here to support you!

  11. Soo late to comment--I'm so sorry you're at this juncture where the decision you have to make is so weighty. I totally related to your saying you were unsure about IVF because you didn't want it to steal more of your life away. I also have problems being alone lately. :(

    Hope you're doing ok!

  12. Thinking of you today! I relate to how you're feeling. Hope this summer has ended on a good note for you.


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