27 August, 2012

The season is changing, and so am I ♥

August is almost gone and Summer is winding down.

I guess you could say - The season is literally on the cusp of change and I couldn't be more happy about it, because I'm starting to feel this change deep within my bones, I can smell it and almost taste it in the air. . . and it feels really, really good.

I started taking Birth Control again since we are no longer ttc'ing, I'm about two weeks in and already I feel like a new person.... well, almost new. . . I'm getting there slowly, but surely. Since starting the BC I feel that something within me has changed or rather something has awoken. I feel like the BC is helping me to understand that I don't have to live in that "TTC" frame of mind anymore, that I can stop thinking about having a baby for a while and that is okay and it doesn't mean I'm giving up, it just means I'm doing what I have to do in order to be happy. Someday we WILL do IVF and when that time comes it will be truly amazing, ah-mazing. I can't wait for that time to come, because I feel deep in my heart that it will work. . . I just know it. But. . .  I'm finding more, and more, that it is okay to just enjoy myself in the time between now and ivf-time. I have to live life. I have to be happy!! The BC is a huge help emotionally. . .  we'll see if it helps the pain! I do still plan to eventually be completely free of red meat and gluten. I've been making much better food choices, MUCH better :)I will admit that sugar is hard. . . I'm finding ice cream the hardest thing to give up. I'm not sure if taking the birth control has been a mental thing, or what, but I feel a spark again that I haven't felt in a very long time. It is a spark of real happiness, not a forced feeling of happiness, but a genuine happiness that is starting to wash over me. I feel it creeping into the nooks and crannies of my heart, breathing new light onto my dry and barren soul.  I feel myself letting go of the negative feelings that have accompanied this the last few years year, and I'm feeling more of this little thing called life. It has definitely taken me a while to get to this point, but I'm so glad that I'm on my way.

Although the Texas heat was horrendous and killed all of the grass in my yard, it did spare my Apple Blossom tree!! I planted it in June for remembrance of our losses and I was a little worried that the summer heat and lack of rain would kill it; I got lucky! So, overall the summer was really, really good to me. I spent time with friends, spent time in the sun, listened to great music beneath the Summer Sun, got sun-kissed and no sun burns, traveled to the lake house several times, drank alcohol and didn't feel guilty about it, got about a thousand new freckles, jet skied for the first time in my life, tubed across the lake laughing my ass off, kayaked for the first time, watched a meteor shower with my sister and saw 6 meteors, had BBQ, learned how to make my best friends awesome guacamole, started watching "Doctor Who" from the beginning, watched 2nd season of "Falling Skies" with my Hubby and I have successfully participated in August VEDA 2012. . . Not a bad summer, not bad at all. 

If you can't tell. . . I'm soooo ready for the Fall season to be here, I could scream!! Eeeek! I have one more day of work left and then I'm on vacation time *happy dance* I'm not going anywhere special. . . Honestly the only reason I'm taking vacation time is to clean my house and my yard. Plus, just having a bit of time off before the busy season kicks our butts will be nice. I've been sooo lazy over the summer and it's been so hot that I haven't wanted to do anything, ANY-E-THING. . . So I need a good week to get things in order. I've also picked up a new hobby ---> Crochet!!! I've needed a hobby for a while and I'm so glad I've found one. When I get really good I'll post a picture of something I've made. I'm currently working on a scarf... The bottom part looks pretty jacked up, but I'm getting better and that's really all that matters :)

This week was officailly Teddy's "Rescue Week". We found him last year this very same week, he was skin and bones, and dug his way into our yard. Josh decided if the was that determined to get into our yard for food and water, then we'd give him a shot - He has turned out to be one of the best dogs we've ever had the privelege of sharing our life with
Happy Rescue Week -Teddy Bear

I hope everyone has a great week and Thanks again to all of those who read and comment on my blog. You have no idea how much all of your sweet words mean to me


10 August, 2012

Thoughts. . .

I've sat down several times over the last couple weeks and tried to write a blog post; however. . .  they are all saved as drafts right now. They'll probably stay that way, as my brain hasn't been able to really get in the sharing mode. I either start off really well and fizzle out, or force my self to start and wind up writing a novel of repetitive feelings that make no sense. *sigh*.

So, here I am. . . Lost. . . Lost in an "in-between" world of Infertility and not quite sure how to really feel about it anymore.

We actively tried during the month of July to get pregnant. It was my last hurrah, my last chance trying on our own. One last moment to be mocked by my reproductive systems inability to do anything right. I used OPK's, pre-seed and the softcup. . . I'm on CD 32, AF is imminent, and of course I don't feel pregnant, nor do I think I am. Somehow I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe we'd get our miracle this month. Why do I do that to myself? I'm not devastated that I didn't get pregnant, because deep down I knew I wouldn't, but that tiny bit of hope floating around in my head thought it could be possible, but it's not. And, it just sucks. The reality of my Infertility pisses me the fuck off.

So, I called the RE office yesterday and asked for a prescription for BC. I was planning to do the Endo diet instead of taking BC, but I haven't even started my diet and figured I'd better take the BC so things don't get worse. I do still plan to start my diet, but at the same time I feel so defeated. I feel so many effing things that it's not even funny. I want to sulk and feel sorry for myself, but I also want to feel better and move on. . .

I don't even know if I want to do IVF anymore. I feel like it would be so much easier to just make the decision now, not to have kids so that I can move on with my life and start learning how to accept things. I feel like waiting for IVF is another few years of uncertainty that will steal away my life and my happiness and there is no guarantee that it will work. . . I feel like such a pessimist. Not everyday, but today I do.

After my RE consult in June, when she told me IVF was going to be the only way, I was angry, then happy and then ready to save money... I think I was wanting so badly to feel better that I just pretended that I was "cool" with it, but I'm not, not really. I'm still angry, still frustrated. still grieving my loss(es) and still pissed off at everything we've been through. We have nothing to show for it, but a few invisible scars and buried feelings that resurface and taunt me from time to time.

I have been enjoying the summer, so that is good. I feel like I really have fun when I do stuff with friends, but when I'm alone, I feel very alone with my thoughts. I need to start working out again, I know that will help alleviate this depression I'm feeling... It's just so hard to give your self the jump-start that is so desperately needed sometimes.

I've been doing a month long video challenge on my Youtube Channel, it is called VEDA (Video Everyday in August). I will post the link to my first VEDA on the bottom... we're now on day 10 and I'm proud to say I've actually stuck with it... let's see how if I can finish it without missing any days, hahaha.

My sister, Natalie moved back home :) It's been years since she lived close to us. I'm looking forward to spending time with her, having sister time and sister talks. One of my best friends (for the last 10 years) has fallen off the grid with a boy that hits her, and now we never talk. I've missed having a girl to vent to and she was always that person. I use to visit her at least once a week, becuase she only lived 10 minutes away, she was my escape, my laughter and my silliness. Several, several months ago she moved and wouldn't let me come see her, everything was an excuse. I knew it was, because she didn't want me to know she was still with that guy, so everything feel apart after that and now I might hear from her once a month, if that. I miss her so much, I worry about her and hope she figures life out. I was really angry inside with her at first when everything got bad. I wasn't really sure why, but then I realized it was, because after my miscarriage I needed friends more that anything and that's when she started fading away. I felt like she abandoned me as a friend, I was hurting and needed a friend and she wasn't there for me. . . I guess I'm just now starting to accept it and move on, losing a friend is hard. I know she's not gone, but in a way she is. I love her so much and will be there for her if she ever needs anything.

Any-who. Sorry this blog is so "Debbie-downer-ish" I just had to get thoughts out and put them somewhere other than my head, lol.

VEDA Challenge!!!