02 June, 2012

Sometimes I'm not very positive. . .

IUI # 3 is a failure. . . I cried all day on Friday, actually I've been crying for days. . .  I just had a feeling this cycle wasn't it since I got so freaking sick this week. I wrote the post (below) last night in a fit of crying. It was not pretty, not pretty at all. Thank God my Pnut was snoozing in bed so he didn't have to witness me in all my glorious misery. This morning I took a test. . . I wasn't gong to test early, but I needed something to relieve the craziness going on in my head. The test was negative. I cried, and cried and cried some more and then went to work. I'm still a few days from my actual test date so I'm pretty sure the early pregnancy test would have picked up something. .  . I now feel sad, but feel some relief as well. I plan to obviously test again on Monday morning. . . But I already know in my heart that it is going to be a negative. I feel crushed and so disappointed. . . My heart is hurting and I truly don't know where we'll go from here. I was going to delete the post below, but felt I should not be ashamed of my sad pity party. . . I need to remember this, how it feels, so one day when I have to throw in the towel... at least I'll know I gave it everything I had in me. Life is so unfair. . .  I'm grateful for all I have, but I feel empty and defeated at the same time.


Friday Nights Post, mind you it was typed while crying uncontrollably... I'm better today.

Ps. . . Sorry about all the F-bombs :|

I cry and my heart aches. . . it aches more than words can say. I cry, because I feel dead inside, numb, unable to find my happiness, unable to remember who I am and what makes me laugh. I feel as if all I know right now is pain, struggle and heartache. . . My sobs are deep and full of sadness, fear and frustration. This pain of "what if" and this pain of "infertility" is and has become emotional torture. I have felt this pain for 8 years, 8 fucking years and it only gets worse as time goes on. Why do I feel so alone, why do I punish myself and not let myself reach out? I stay in this warped little bubble that is my world, and I feel comfort there, because it is really all I have know for such a long time, I feel like no one around me really understands the pain I feel inside. I don't want to burden others. I'm struggling to stay afloat and I am losing my life, my *me*. One day when this is all over (this crappy infertility ride) I'm going to wake up, baby or no baby and be sad for all that I have lost to this stupid fucking disease. I feel so guilty at times for pushing people away, I don't mean it, but I know I do it. I feel somewhat disconnected, emotionally disconnected. It kinda feels like everyone's life is moving forward in some way, and I'm just stuck on pause watching everything else around me go by, unable to speak, powerless. It's getting close to the end, because I don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm almost ready to walk away if this one doesn't work. I just want to scream out loud, I want to break things I want to feel something other than just my fucking emotions. I'm hurting inside. I feel so defeated already, my heart.... I want to rip it out and not feel anything. I'm so fearful of failure, I don't want to go back to that dark place. I can't. It's not fair. Why? Why"? Fucking WHY???? I hurt on a daily basis. I put on my mask to be a normal person in this cookie cutter life, but at times I feel as though I'm dying inside. I hate what I have emotionally become. I hate the way I feel. I hate that it feels like there is a fucking hole in the middle of not only my body but my soul. I am broken, I feel completely broken. . . I do not know who I am anymore. I mean really? who am I? I am an fucking infertile woman who is pissed off at the world. *sigh* I'm breaking inside. . . Photobucket

27 comments:

  1. Crystal I am so sorry. My heart is breaking with yours. It is so unbelievably unfair. I wish I could bring you comfort. Just know that I am here with you.

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  2. I'm so sorry. I was even mentioning to my husband the other day how it feels like the only smile I have anymore is a fake one I have to paste on.

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  3. oh crystal there are no words i can say that will help you through this. i was the same way when i thought i couldn't have a child. it isn't fair i know and i don't understand why it has to happen to a great couple instead to one who doesn't deserve a child. i will be praying for GOD to comfort you and to heal you in this time of need.

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  4. I'm so sorry. :( Infertility is just awful...

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  5. I'm so sorry you're in such a dark place right. It's hard. Give yourself some time to work through your emotions. In my opinion, you have to go through it to get to the other side. A place that feels better.

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  6. So incredibly sorry for you Crystal. It's not fair. It doesn't make sense. Infertility is so isolating and awful. I understand. We understand. We are walking right beside you, feeling empty and aching right along with you. It will get better. Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end. A million hugs your way.

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  7. I'm sooo sorry! :-( My heart goes out to you. It is so freaking unfair. I could have written many of the things you wrote, too. Sending hugs and love.

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  8. Crystal, I am so, so sorry. I hate that so many of us- good people- are stuck in this battle, losing so much of ourselves, our innocence, our ability to f-ing dream. We are here for you, we get it and I know we all wish we could show up on your doorstep to give you real life hugs! Praying and hoping that you get to push Play again soon. Love and hugs coming your way, girl. Hang in there. XOXO

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  9. Oh sweetie...I am so very sorry. I know I don't have words to make anything better, I just want you to know that you're not alone. You're not alone in the hurt and sadness. You're not alone in the disappointment and fear either. I know exactly where you are and I hope and pray that you will be lifted out of this mess soon!

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  10. Wish I could be there to give you a real hug hon. I am sorry you are so upset. You are right, all does fucking suck! I am glad though that you let it out and are feeling a little better. Praying you continue. Like others have said, you are not alone. I know that might not help because it sucks that so many people have to go through this, but we are here for you to lean on.

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  11. Crystal - I am so sorry. Anyone going through this awful journey knows what it is like to feel that loss of hope. Thankfully, though, many of us seem to have a lot of strength to somehow get us through the darkest parts so we can hope again. Thinking of you!

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  12. Oh, Crystal. I am so sorry. Let yourself feel these emotions, let them wash over you. You are not alone.

    ((hugs))

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  13. So sorry it didn't work this cycle.

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  14. I'm so sorry that you're going through hell right now. I hate how infertility can take people to such dark places. But remember that it can also bring people together. There's a whole community of understanding ladies out here who are here to listen to you vent and provide you emotional support. I wish I could be there to give you a huge hug! Hang in there sweetie, eventually you'll find a way out of the darkness.

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  15. It is exhausting to be positive all the time!! You deserve some time to be angry and frustrated and everything else you are feeling right now. Take some time to yourself before you jump to any quick decisions. That is the biggest lesson I have learned though all this. So sorry that you have to go through this, it just plain sucks and isn't fair. AT ALL. Thinking of you...xoxoxo

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  16. I am so so sorry. It's not fair at all. You're in my thoughts.

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  17. I have been thinking about you for the last two weeks, praying and hoping and wishing, I am so so very sorry, I know that there is nothing I can say to make you truly feel better, but please know I am here for you if you need to talk or vent. Please remember you will be in my thoughts and prayers always!

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  18. Gah, this sucks so much. I'm so sorry, I was hoping so badly this cycle would work for you. ;( Sending virtual hugs your way....

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  19. It's good to get it out, and it's ok to be negative or dark. I've done quite a few of those posts recently. I have been thinking about you and wondering what the outcome of this try would be. Give yourself all the time you need to grieve but please remember that you are not alone. There are lots of women who would be happy to talk anytime, or just sit and listen and let you get it out. I'm sending tons of love and support to you and Pnut during this hard time xxxx

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  20. I'm so sorry! Sending positive thoughts and hugs your way!

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  21. OMG...I'm so sorry! But I think it's great that you posted your crying, angry post. You typed what I have been feeling lately...and probably what a lot of others feel as well. It's such an awful, soul-stealing feeling. I pray that you find the strength to make it through these dark times.

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  22. I'm a google addict on my own infertility ride. Today I googled "infertility blog iui heartbroken," and The Redhead Files popped up. Reading your blog was a little like balm for my scorched heart. I'm so sorry your journey has been what it is. You, with your quirky, creative soul, certainly don't deserve this grief. I can't help but be grateful for your honesty and openness, too. I'm comforted to know we aren't alone. It doesn't lessen the weight of the pain, but it does validate carrying it. Thanks Crystal.

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  23. Reading this again from CdlC... Great post.

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  24. "I'm going to wake up, baby or no baby and be sad for all that I have lost to this stupid fucking disease." You're right, of course. The end, wherever or whenever it comes, doesn't erase the journey. I'm so sorry.

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  25. Here from reading your post on the Creme. I hope 2013 brings you a wonderful end to this difficult journey. Peace x

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