09 June, 2012

I planted my Tree!!

I want to say again how grateful I am for this community and the support I have been given! Thank you to everyone who reads my blog, because it means a so much to me!!

I also want to say that if you do not see many posts from me over the next few months please do not be alarmed, lol. I'm just going through emotions that require more of *me* time!! More real *me*, not *me* on the computer contemplating all things infertility. I have to heal myself, and I can't continue to do things in the same way that I have in the past. I have been immersed in the world of infertility for so long that I need to regroup and figure out how I truly want to move forward, if I want to move forward. . . In order to do that I need feel better emotionally and physically. I need to support myself more instead of just shoving myself through each month mindlessly.

I'm not giving up on trying to conceive our little miracle, but I am stepping away for a while. I'm 29. I'll be 30 in March. I want to be happy when I turn 30. I was miserable turning 29, waiting to see if I was pregnant since we'd done IUI right before my Birthday. It failed. I failed. Emotionally it was the worst birthday I've ever had. It was fun and I was surrounded by my awesome friends, but I was numb inside and I hate that I have let infertility steal that from me. I have become such a hermit that I'm watching my life pass by, I miss my friends and I miss being happy. We need to save money, because I don't want to waste  money on ingectables with the severity of my Endo. If we are going to save money then I want to save for IVF. My doctor says I would be a great candidate because we know I "can" get pregnant and I have plenty of eggs. I feel a sense of relief knowing we are taking an extended break. *sigh* I have had thoughts of whether or not I even want to purse IVF. . . Maybe I'm ready to walk away and find peace with it all right now. I have been battling these thoughts very intensely as of late. I think if anything we'll always try no matter what, and if it happens well then so be it. I don't know what I'll do, I just know that I can't deal with this my whole life. . . I'm gonna to need to dig really deep in order to understand where I need to go from here.

I'll still be around lurking about and reading your blogs and perhaps even commenting. I hope to see many bfp's in the future for all you ladies!! And I'll probably post randomly about my life. . . Who knows *sigh*

I took the first step in my healing process by planting a tree in my backyard to remember my Little Bean. And all of *this*. This - meaning all the shit that my husband and I have been through because of Infertility, all the pain, the hurt and for each of my losses that will never be. Had I not miscarried in November we would have brought home a baby this week :| It still breaks my heart. This tree is also my hope. Because I do still have a lot of hope!! I will watch it grow and change, and I will hope with each new leaf and each new inch that I will be that much closer to my goal. A baby. A life that will be a piece of both of us, a life to carry on after ours. I feel much peace after planting my tree. I buried beneath it a sonogram picture, a short note, that first pregnancy test and my hospital bracelet with the date it all happened. . . It feels as if I set a part of my self free. I feel good about that and ready to move on with finding myself again. . .  Much love to you all ♥


04 June, 2012

Thank you everyone!!

I just want to to say Thank you so much to everyone for your support and wonderful comments. You truly helped lift my spirits and I really can't express in the right words what that means to me. I was in a very dark place, but I am feeling better today and a little more like me. I'm planting my little tree tomorrow and hope that it will help bring even more peace my way. I'm scheduling a consult appointment with my RE so the Husband and I can sit and discuss where we go from here. . . 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your sweet, honest and supportive words ♥ 

IUI #3 = BFN Vlog


02 June, 2012

Sometimes I'm not very positive. . .

IUI # 3 is a failure. . . I cried all day on Friday, actually I've been crying for days. . .  I just had a feeling this cycle wasn't it since I got so freaking sick this week. I wrote the post (below) last night in a fit of crying. It was not pretty, not pretty at all. Thank God my Pnut was snoozing in bed so he didn't have to witness me in all my glorious misery. This morning I took a test. . . I wasn't gong to test early, but I needed something to relieve the craziness going on in my head. The test was negative. I cried, and cried and cried some more and then went to work. I'm still a few days from my actual test date so I'm pretty sure the early pregnancy test would have picked up something. .  . I now feel sad, but feel some relief as well. I plan to obviously test again on Monday morning. . . But I already know in my heart that it is going to be a negative. I feel crushed and so disappointed. . . My heart is hurting and I truly don't know where we'll go from here. I was going to delete the post below, but felt I should not be ashamed of my sad pity party. . . I need to remember this, how it feels, so one day when I have to throw in the towel... at least I'll know I gave it everything I had in me. Life is so unfair. . .  I'm grateful for all I have, but I feel empty and defeated at the same time.

Friday Nights Post, mind you it was typed while crying uncontrollably... I'm better today.

Ps. . . Sorry about all the F-bombs :|

I cry and my heart aches. . . it aches more than words can say. I cry, because I feel dead inside, numb, unable to find my happiness, unable to remember who I am and what makes me laugh. I feel as if all I know right now is pain, struggle and heartache. . . My sobs are deep and full of sadness, fear and frustration. This pain of "what if" and this pain of "infertility" is and has become emotional torture. I have felt this pain for 8 years, 8 fucking years and it only gets worse as time goes on. Why do I feel so alone, why do I punish myself and not let myself reach out? I stay in this warped little bubble that is my world, and I feel comfort there, because it is really all I have know for such a long time, I feel like no one around me really understands the pain I feel inside. I don't want to burden others. I'm struggling to stay afloat and I am losing my life, my *me*. One day when this is all over (this crappy infertility ride) I'm going to wake up, baby or no baby and be sad for all that I have lost to this stupid fucking disease. I feel so guilty at times for pushing people away, I don't mean it, but I know I do it. I feel somewhat disconnected, emotionally disconnected. It kinda feels like everyone's life is moving forward in some way, and I'm just stuck on pause watching everything else around me go by, unable to speak, powerless. It's getting close to the end, because I don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm almost ready to walk away if this one doesn't work. I just want to scream out loud, I want to break things I want to feel something other than just my fucking emotions. I'm hurting inside. I feel so defeated already, my heart.... I want to rip it out and not feel anything. I'm so fearful of failure, I don't want to go back to that dark place. I can't. It's not fair. Why? Why"? Fucking WHY???? I hurt on a daily basis. I put on my mask to be a normal person in this cookie cutter life, but at times I feel as though I'm dying inside. I hate what I have emotionally become. I hate the way I feel. I hate that it feels like there is a fucking hole in the middle of not only my body but my soul. I am broken, I feel completely broken. . . I do not know who I am anymore. I mean really? who am I? I am an fucking infertile woman who is pissed off at the world. *sigh* I'm breaking inside. . . Photobucket