14 May, 2012

Hello hot-flashes and Goodbye Mothers Day!

I sat down yesterday and tried to write a post for Mothers Day, but it just wasn't in me.

I took my last dose of Letrozole yesterday, so I was definitely feeling emotional and slightly tearful at the tiniest things, I could also feel the hot flashes setting in, lol. They are no where near as bad as Clomid hot-flashes. Today is CD 8 and I'm already lost in thought when it comes to this 3rd IUI. I can't believe we are here again.

Come on Right Ovary. . . I will pull all of my hair out if you do not work with me  You can do this!!

Every year we host a Mothers Day Lunch at the Hotel I work for, so I was pretty busy and happily distracted throughout most of the day. I was glad to work. When I got to work it was still kind of quiet so I stepped outside and called my Grandmother to wish her a Happy Mothers Day!! She did raise me after all, and I own my life to that woman for taking me in when my own parents no longer wanted me. I then called my Mother and then my Mother In-law!! My Mom was dead asleep and Sheila didn't answer, so I wound up leaving a message. Making my rounds of Mother's Day calls this year was fairly painless. I worked, made my calls, watched the series finale of Desperate Housewives *sniff sniff*, and last but not least, the season finale of Survivor!! I was jumping back and forth for two hours trying to catch bits and pieces of each show, lol. I enjoyed myself and I'm so thankful, that I made it through in one piece!!

In all honesty - I tried not to think about it. . .  "It"  being Mothers Day. . .

I didn't think "how unfair" or say "I'm so sad" or "I hate this day" I just didn't think or speak about it as best as I possibly could. There were a few moments where I teared up looking at other peoples Facebook posts, pictures of flowers or pictures out to lunch with their little ones, but over all I survived the day, and I feel proud of myself!! I waited until I got home from work before sending out the mass "Happy Mothers Day!!" text to all my cousins and friends. For some reason it felt more difficult to send out that text, I'm not really sure why. I didn't have enough in me to send out personalized texts for each person, but hey at least I made the effort, right? 

Josh and I were catching up on a few shows when I sent out the Mothers Day text. . . He asked me if Mothers Day was hard for me. I was surprised that he asked and I told him "Kind of". I quickly spit out a few more words to let him know I was okay and trying not to let it bother me. In that moment, I could have broken down immedeatly and really, really cried, but I wanted him to see that I was strong, and that I'd be okay, because I was, it was just another day. I then mumbled that I was trying not to think about it, and the conversation was over. I felt happy that he asked me, that he acknowledged the fact that this day "might" be hard for me.
I was super surprised that my cousin Maddie text back with " You too, darling I love you"

I cried. . . She was the only person other than Josh, that said anything to me about Mothers Day, acknowledged me, or even thought of me, it touched my heart in a way that I can't explain ♥ The tears I cried were short and sweet. It felt really nice knowing my cousin took a moment and realized that this day was hard for me and that it, is not always a day of celebration, but sometimes it is a day to mourn. And her simple text made all the difference in my day, and I love her so very much for that. It made me feel like all the pain in my heart was softened every so slightly, that everything I've been through has been real, and not just in my head. I may not be a Mother with a baby in my arms, but I have babies in my heart that I will never, ever get to hold. . . I was a Mother the moment I had to grieve the loss of life my husband and I created together *sigh*.

My heart wants to mother things more than anything in this world. When I was a kid and played "house" with my cousins, I was always the Mom. I've always wanted to be a Mother, always, deep down inside. I didn't get to grow up with my Mother, so I feel sometimes that I missed out on something very important in my life. I feel like having my own child will allow me a peek into a world I never understood. . . 

Happy Mothers Day to all of you awesome Moms
 And . . .
Happy Mothers Day to all you Ladies in waiting ♥


  1. Happy mother's day, friend! XO

  2. Your post made me shed a few tears...I feel you...Happy Mama's Day. I love how strong your being!

    1. Awe, Thank you :) I appreciate your kind words xoxox

  3. Happy mother's day. Your special time is just around the corner. :)

    1. Alicia Thank you so much!!! What is your blog link?? I could not find it last time

  4. Happy mother's day to you, too! Your cousin sounds like a sweet woman; it feels nice to know people haven't forgotten us 'ladies in waiting' doesn't it? Rooting for your right ovary as you approach your IUI!!

  5. Happy Mother's Day to you! I give you credit for wishing all the mothers in your life a happy day (because I know that's not an easy thing to do while you are burning with jealousy) and for getting through the day in one piece. Wishing you the best with your IUI!

  6. Good for you! You survived the day. I'm glad that you had it in you to make all those phone calls. I called my mom on Friday, I avoided as much as possible all human contact on Mother's day. I'm a chicken!

    1. Awe, Rebecca... I feel ya, normally I am, but I tried to creep out of my shell a little bit :)

  7. Amazing how a few thoughtful words can make such a wonderful difference. So glad that your cousin thought of you.

    1. She is a sweet heart and has supported me through this long journey!! I'm grateful to have a cousin like her.

  8. Happy Mother's day Crystal. Glad you survived such a difficult day and glad you had a wonderful cousin who understands.

  9. Hi, I'm new to your blog. I found you through the ICLW list. I can really relate to your feelings! Hugs! I'm also on Femara this cycle. Wishing you lots of luck with your IUI! I hope everything goes well for you!

    1. Well, Thank you so much for stopping by my blog :) Good luck with Femara this cycle!!! It was no where near as bad as clomid, heeh. Good luck to you and I'll come find your blog too!

  10. I don't know if you saw my Mother's posts on Facebook... so I'll copy and paste them here.

    I thank God everyday for the amazing gift of being Cameron and Nathan's mom. :-) Whether you hold your child in your arms or in your heart, I'm wishing you a Happy Mother's Day. For those who are struggling with infertility, I remember those days as well. I'm thinking of you and praying that your arms are filled soon.

    "Remember that no matter how your children came to you and no matter how long their lifetime lasted, they are yours and this day they designate as Mother's Day... that's yours, too." - SPC

    To those who gave birth this year to their first child - we celebrate with you.
    To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you.
    To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you.
    To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you.
    To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you.
    To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you.
    To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you.
    To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you.
    To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you.
    To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience.
    To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst.
    To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you.
    And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you.
    This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

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