Don't Ignore - Yourself
I have already written one post for NIAW "National Infertility Awareness Week", but I felt inspired to write one more!! So many of you Ladies out there have written such amazing posts this week, and I am so happy to see everyone sharing their stories of hope, struggle and perseverance. Rock on!!!
I have Stage IV Endometriosis, so my left
April was our month off this time around and it was the first month off in a long time that actually felt okay with it. I mean, I'm not going to lie and say I was perfectly okay with it. There was a part of me that was frustrated that we'd have to wait whole other month, uggg. After realizing there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, well, I just had to get over it and move ahead with a smile on my face. I welcomed the stress free time ahead of me and the ability to have a few glasses of wine - yummm! During my break I realized just how depressed I'd been over the last several months. I was able to take a step back and see what I was doing. . . And that was ignoring myself! It is so easy to get wrapped up with infertility, timing, treatments and charting. So much that you lose sight of your self. Then months later you take a break, open your eyes and say, wow - What happened to the last few months?
Taking a month of TTC isn't always easy for a woman. Sometimes you're so ready to keep moving forward and you just know in your heart that this next month will be "the month". It is so intense on ones emotions. Sometimes it is devastating when you get sidelined and are forced to take a break. Sometimes you lose your self in those months of waiting for things to get moving again and sometimes you are already lost before you start the journey, that was me.
I was lost for at least 5 years. . .living in silence, lost in my own sea of infertility sadness. I was completely alone, contemplating my future as not only a mother and parent, but as a woman living in a world full of mothers and babies. I still ask myself "If I don't have kids who will I be"? I still don't know the answer to that questions, but I'm more okay not having kids as long as I know I fought for it i some way.
It is my own fault for living in silence, so I really can't blame anyone. I wasn't ready to hear peoples opinions about me trying to conceive a child, or about how young I was, whether we were ready or whether or not we should finish school first. And since nothing was happening I chose not to share it with anyone, because I didn't want to hear their comments or less than positive opinions bout my choices. I knew I was young, I knew that! But, I also knew I had female "issues" that had not been confirmed and that weighted heavily on my mind. I drank, lied to myself, I partied, I pretended to be okay with not getting pregnant right away, I told myself I didn't want kids, I tried to ignore what was going on and I was angry with my body for failing me, month after month, year after year.
I didn't even talk to my husband about how I felt, because I pretended as if nothing was wrong and so did he. We were afraid to talk about it, so it was easier to imagine a life without having kids. I guess, I thought If we didn't talk about it then it wasn't real. We both knew there was a problem, yet we were not ready to do anything about it. I don't think we were even 100 percent sure if we wanted kids anymore, either that or we just knew how difficult it was going to be, so we held off thinking about it until it bubbled to the surface of our lives.
And it did. . . One Summer, the Summer of 2010. It was finally time to talk about it and there was no stopping it. That Summer I lost it or rather, I found a part of my "fight" that had been buried for so long. When I realized that I really did want to fight well, that was it. I went to my girly Doctor, who I had also avoided for 5 years. Seriously. . . I was so upset about possibly being infertile that I chose not to see my girly doctor, because I was afraid I'd have to talk about it, it being my infertility. So yea, I didn't go for a papsmear for 5 years. I had an emotional breakdown and decided I wanted to see someone, so I finally called girly Doctor. When I went to that appointment I broke down, all the way. I cried and sobbed the entire time, it was uncontrollable and I could barley get out coherent words. I wept as if was mourning a part of me that died. I was so sad inside. She stood there quietly holding a box of tissues. She didn't even bother me with silly questions, she just let me have my cry and gave me options. . . I felt so embarrassed, and wondered how many woman like myself she's seen in the last month.
I left the appointment that day feeling a thousand pounds lighter and feeling like I found a part of my old self. I never knew how much pain I was in until I felt half of it taken off my shoulders. I left with a prescription for Zoloft (taken only during the 2 weeks before my period), an appointment for blood work and a Clomid consult. I can't explain to anyone how life changing that appointment was for me. I could no longer suffer alone, my body and mind would no longer allow me to Ignore Myself.
I still struggle with Infertility on a daily and monthly basis, yearly basis. It will always be with me, but infertility will never control me like it did, because I found a part of myself that is willing to fight!!
If you are interested in learning more about infertility please visit Resolve.org
You can also participate in National Infertility Awareness week
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)