26 April, 2012

Ready for May!!

The break is almost over *wooohoooo* Today is April 26th, I'm on CD 26 and AF should be here this weekend*happy dance*. I love it when I get all kinds of excited that my period is on its way, lol. Only an infertile waiting to do treatment would be excited about AF. If I had not started my period on the 1st, I would not have even known what CD I am on, lol. I have not been keeping track this month and it has felt refreshing!

The break has been really nice and to my surprise very much needed *sigh*. Something I realized while on this break is that I've been such a freaking hermit over the past year. Even on this break I could barley get myself to blog or even read other blogs. I guess I really needed the alone time Uggg. Sometimes I want to slap my self and say "what's wrong with you". I did a few NIAW posts so that kinda got me out of my little blogging funk! I went out last weekend and saw some really good friends I'd not seen in at least 6 months, it was such a great feeling getting out of my house and to feel normal for a change :) They moved and live on the lake now, I didn't even know they moved, what a bad friend I've been. When I got there the sun was setting and it was simply breathtaking. I totally needed to see real beauty, beauty that I could breathe in. . . I also went out on Saturday with my Girls!! We went to the Main St Art's Festival... I may or may not have had a bit too much to drink, lol. I can't drink at all like I used to. I'll stick with my wine instead of Vodka. Vodka has seriously not touched my lips in a very, very long time, haha, it was worth it!!

Any-who I'm ready for IUI #3 - We can do this!! And, come on AF it is time to get this show on the road!

Don't Ignore - Yourself

Don't Ignore - Yourself 

I have already written one post for NIAW "National Infertility Awareness Week", but I felt inspired to write one more!! So many of you Ladies out there have written such amazing posts this week, and I am so happy to see everyone sharing their stories of hope, struggle and perseverance. Rock on!!!

I have Stage IV Endometriosis, so my left side tube is crappity crap-crap and we are only able to "ttc" every other month. Fun times I tell ya. . .

April was our month off this time around and it was the first month off in a long time that actually felt okay with it. I mean, I'm not going to lie and say I was perfectly okay with it. There was a part of me that was frustrated that we'd have to wait whole other month, uggg. After realizing there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, well, I just had to get over it and move ahead with a smile on my face. I welcomed the stress free time ahead of me and the ability to have a few glasses of wine - yummm! During my break I realized just how depressed I'd been over the last several months. I was able to take a step back and see what I was doing. . . And that was ignoring myself! It is so easy to get wrapped up with infertility, timing, treatments and charting. So much that you lose sight of your self. Then months later you take a break, open your eyes and say, wow - What happened to the last few months?

Taking a month of TTC isn't always easy for a woman. Sometimes you're so ready to keep moving forward and you just know in your heart that this next month will be "the month".  It is so intense on ones emotions. Sometimes it is devastating when you get sidelined and are forced to take a break. Sometimes you lose your self in those months of waiting for things to get moving again and sometimes you are already lost before you start the journey, that was me.

I was lost for at least 5 years. . .living in silence, lost in my own sea of infertility sadness. I was completely alone, contemplating my future as not only a mother and parent, but as a woman living in a world full of mothers and babies. I still ask myself "If I don't have kids who will I be"? I still don't know the answer to that questions, but I'm more okay not having kids as long as I know I fought for it i some way. 

It is my own fault for living in silence, so I really can't blame anyone. I wasn't ready to hear peoples opinions about me trying to conceive a child, or about how young I was, whether we were ready or whether or not we should finish school first. And since nothing was happening I chose not to share it with anyone, because I didn't want to hear their comments or less than positive opinions bout my choices. I knew I was young, I knew that! But, I also knew I had female "issues" that had not been confirmed and that weighted heavily on my mind. I drank, lied to myself, I partied, I pretended to be okay with not getting pregnant right away, I told myself I didn't want kids, I tried to ignore what was going on and I was angry with my body for failing me, month after month, year after year.

I didn't even talk to my husband about how I felt, because I pretended as if nothing was wrong and so did he. We were afraid to talk about it, so it was easier to imagine a life without having kids. I guess, I thought If we didn't talk about it then it wasn't real. We both knew there was a problem, yet we were not ready to do anything about it. I don't think we were even 100 percent sure if we wanted kids anymore, either that or we just knew how difficult it was going to be, so we held off thinking about it until it bubbled to the surface of our lives.

And it did. . . One Summer, the Summer of 2010. It was finally time to talk about it and there was no stopping it. That Summer I lost it or rather, I found a part of my "fight" that had been buried for so long. When I realized that I really did want to fight well, that was it. I went to my girly Doctor, who I had also avoided for 5 years. Seriously. . . I was so upset about possibly being infertile that I chose not to see my girly doctor, because I was afraid I'd have to talk about it, it being my infertility. So yea, I didn't go for a papsmear for 5 years. I had an emotional breakdown and decided I wanted to see someone, so I finally called girly Doctor. When I went to that appointment I broke down, all the way. I cried and sobbed the entire time, it was uncontrollable and I could barley get out coherent words. I wept as if was mourning a part of me that died. I was so sad inside. She stood there quietly holding a box of tissues. She didn't even bother me with silly questions, she just let me have my cry and gave me options. . . I felt so embarrassed, and wondered how many woman like myself she's seen in the last month.

I left the appointment that day feeling a thousand pounds lighter and feeling like I found a part of my old self. I never knew how much pain I was in until I felt half of it taken off my shoulders. I left with a prescription for Zoloft (taken only during the 2 weeks before my period), an appointment for blood work and a Clomid consult. I can't explain to anyone how life changing that appointment was for me. I could no longer suffer alone, my body and mind would no longer allow me to Ignore Myself.

I still struggle with Infertility on a daily and monthly basis, yearly basis. It will always be with me, but infertility will never control me like it did, because I found a part of myself that is willing to fight!!

If you are interested in learning more about infertility please visit Resolve.org
You can also participate in National Infertility Awareness week

 http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

23 April, 2012

"Don't Ignore" The Pain of Infertility

It is "National Infertility Awareness Week" also know as "NIAW"
 April 22-28, 2012 is National Infertility Awareness Week®, a nationwide campaign intended to educate the public about infertility and the concerns of the infertility community. Since 1989, RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association has led efforts to celebrate this special week by hosting events and activities designed to encourage grassroots advocacy and motivate the infertility movement
 This is a week set aside to discus all things infertility - How we are affected, how those around us are affected, how we can be helped, how we can help each other, how we can make changes and. . .  how we cope. 

I'm 29 years old - I have Stage IV Endometriosis and have had 3 miscarriages. I have been TTC for 7 years, 5 years spent trying on our own, and the last 2 1/2 years have been with a doctor.

The Theme for this years NIAW is "Don't Ignore______". You are supposed to fill in the blank with something you'd like to tell people "Not to Ignore" about infertility. I have chosen Pain. . . I have felt deep pain due to infertility. I have felt a pain that echos throughout my heart, my soul and body. It is the type of pain that greets me in the morning with a cruel smile. It is like a companion I feel chained to, a companion I have grown tired of, and a companion that has changed my life completely. Sometimes I feel that Infertility has highjacked my life. It has only been recently that I have become more able to face it and accept it for what it is. I have suffered loss and that is hard to swallow at times, not only am I infertile, but I can't stay pregnant. Infertility is pain that is handed out in doses, it's not all at once, it stays with you and lingers. I realize that I may never have a child of my own, it is a very real outcome that I try not to think about too much, yet the reality of that truth haunts me at times. I have felt pain both physically and emotionally. It doesn't go away and it cant be rated on a scale of 1-10, because the pain vibrates out and touches family members, spouses and friends in totally different ways. . . it touches whole lives and has little mercy.

I had a "feeling" I was infertile in my early 20's. I chose to ignore my gut feelings, because of what society told me and how I was made to feel by doctors. "You are so young, don't you want to wait and take birth control in the meantime". I was young, and why would I want to have children so young when there is treatment available for later on when I was "really" ready? All I can say is treatment does not guarantee that you'll get pregnant and stay pregnant.

Don't ignore your gut feeling and don't ignore the pain.

I have done the following - Relaxed, Taken it easy, Prayed, Vacationed, Had surgery, Hoped, Peed on ovulation strips, Tracked my cycle, Taken my temperature, Use special lube for sex, Laid in awkward positions after sex, Eaten different foods around ovulation, IUI, Clomid, Letrozole, Taken Vitamins, Changed my Diet, Charted, Stopped smoking, Stopped Drinking, Cried, Pleaded, Crossed my fingers, Tried not to think about it, and I have propositioned God, or whatever God is listening.
I have already tried all of it and more. And, let me tell you. . .  it is an insult when you tell me "It is in Gods hands" or that it will happen when "God says it is time". . .

Infertility has changed my life in many ways, many ways I could never explain to you, because I can't seem to find the right words. If I could share anything with the wold it would be this - Please Do Not tell a woman to do all of these things I have already done, while she is trying to conceive especially if it has already been over a year or more. I can understand saying some of these things within the first 3-8 months of trying to conceive, because it can take a few tries. Once you hit that year mark it is pretty obvious that there is a problem somewhere. It it hurts deep inside when you hit that year mark, have no answers, and no funds to figure it out. People have no clue that your heart is suddenly thrown into a most fearful and tragic state of being. And with everyone around you saying that you need to relax, well it is a slap right in the face and a hard one too. . . So if we open up enough to tell you we are struggling don't use those types of comments when responding to us. We usually know you had the best intentions when you make those types of comments, we know that you were just trying to be kind and say something nice, because you probably just didn't know what to say. What you should say is that you are sorry things didn't work this cycle, and that you hope the next month will be successful and maybe, that you hope one day they are blessed with a healthy pregnancy and that all their hard work pays off. That is truly the most neutral, kindest and honest statement you could say to any man or woman dealing with infertility. We know people don't necessarily understand what it is like to be infertile, but we know you are capable of opening your hearts to hear us, and that is what we need most of all. . . for those around us to listen, and not question. . . It seems a little scary for us to share things too, so don't be afraid to talk to us, and ask us what is going on in our "journey". We are used to most people not asking us what's going on, so your curiosity is sometimes a blessing in disguise, often allowing us to open up and release a little bit of our hurt that is bottled up inside. Talking about it makes it easier to deal with, and that is no lie.

And to all of the infertile woman out there right now - Don't ignore your own disease or your own feelings about the disease. Don't ignore your gut feelings. It is time to stop putting ourselves through so much torture, stop keeping it bottled up inside. We need to do our part and start opening our mouths to the world, make the people hear us, understand us. The world, everyday people and insurance agencies will not know we are in pain unless we tell them, show them or force them them understand. People around you will not know you are suffering unless you tell them. States will not know to cover Family reproduction aid, unless we tell them we need to the help, and if they don't listen, then make them listen. And, I don't mean just in this week. It is up to you to tell those around you when you are at your lowest, don't put on the fake smile and say your great, if someone is asking then tell them how you truly feel, or else how are they to know what you are dealing with? How are they to know that your heart was broken hours before you came into work because of another failed fertility treatment? Tell your friends when you hate the world, tell them when you feel jealous, and hurting, because you are so broken inside from dealing with infertility. Tell your family the truth about your struggles, tell them you've already had two losses and never shared it with them, because you didn't want to burden anyone with your pain and struggle. Tell your friends honestly that you don't want to go to that 3rd baby shower, because it is just too painful. Take time for your self and don't ignore your mental needs. "We" as infertile woman want to control how people see us while were dealing with infertility, we want people to think we are strong and we are, but we are also fragile and living on the edge of something so fierce, something so much bigger than ourselves. It is overwhelming at times, so Ladies - Stop trying to hold it all on your own shoulders, share your burden, your feelings, your hopes and your struggles. Do not be ashamed, we are Warriors. It is time to break the cycle of living in silence. It is completely up to us to change the way people, insurance agencies and the Government sees and treats Infertility. We must share our pain no matter how painful that is. Infertility affects 1 in 8. . . That is a lot people struggling, a lot of broken hearts, a lot of financially broken couples. . . and so much pain that isn't necessary. Don't  Ignore Infertility, because it wont ignore you!!

If you are interested in learning more about infertility please visit Resolve.org
You can also participate in National Infertility Awareness week

 http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

14 April, 2012

Liebster Nomination!!

I received a Liebster Nomination from Alexis at "Our Journey Through this Lovely Life" 

Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers

Thank you so much, Alexis!! You are such a strong woman - I admire your strength and spirit!! If you don't know Alexis, please stop over and say a big Hello, she recently suffered a 2nd loss after TTC with Infertility and she could always use some extra love and hugs.

I also wanted to mention that another of my blogging friends is going through a loss, she too has been TTC for quite some time, this was her first pregnancy after IUI and sadly they have been diagnosed with a Blighted Ovum, please stop over at "Home Grown Love", give Slynn some positive thoughts, hugs and as much love as you can spare, She and her DH need all the love anyone can give!

Now. . . 
On to the Leibster Nomination

Each Nominee Should:

• Choose five up and coming blogs to give the Liebster award to. 
Blogs must have less than 200 followers.
• Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them
& post the award on your blog
• List the bloggers you gave the award to with links to their sites. Leave a comment
on their blogs to let them know they have received the award. 
• Share five random facts about yourself!

5 Random facts about Me!
1. I'm naturally red headed with Freckles everywhere except my butt cheeks!
2. I'm an Aries, with Virgo rising and a Leo Moon
3. I enjoy painting, drawing and all things Art
4. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid
5. I love movies set during the 1800's :)

Ladies I would like to Nominate

Have fun everyone and have a great weekend!!


10 April, 2012

5 months already. . .

Yesterday was officially 5 months since my last miscarriage. . .

5 months already

 I feel proud of myself for being here today with a smile on my face, still pushing forward ♥

My due date would have been June 5th, which is right around the corner. I have decided to celebrate my "Little Bean" on that day. Some may call it silly, some may laugh, some may not understand, but I don't care what others think. It may have only been a 10 week pregnancy, but that was 10 weeks of my life that I believed I was going to become a mother. We saw and heard a tiny little heartbeat, there was life, and then that life was gone. I still have my sonogram pictures, pregnancy tests, and my hospital bracelet from the day I found out it was all over. I have those things tucked away in a little box and I'm going to bury them in my backyard and plant something on top of it when June 5th rolls around. We have a small tree that I literally grew from a seed, (my husband actually started the seedling) Josh found the apple blossom that dropped on the ground in our back yard, shoved it in some dirt and I took care of it for the remaining season, the summer from hell (Last year), before I knew it we had a tiny little tree growing strong. So I'm going to plant that little tree on top of my box of memories. When I look at that tree growing and changing over time, I will always remember my Little Bean and how its short life affected us so deeply. It is an Apple Blossom tree which is a beautiful tree. . . it will be perfect. I am also going to get a balloon, write a note to my " Little Bean" and send it off. It will be a way for me to say goodbye, to get some closure, to put my mind at peace and to finally let go. I have learned to be more at peace since the loss, but there are still days where I am brought to tears.

I really thought I'd be pregnant by now, I thought the IUI in March was going to work. . . I have been dealing with my anger lately and it has been difficult at times, but overall I think it is good for me - I hope it is making me stronger.

I have to admit that I am enjoying our little break more and more each day. I got the greatest feeling on the day my period came when I called Coral and she said "Enjoy the month off without having to call us", I felt like jumping for joy. You mean we can have a normal sex life??? No timed intercourse??? No peeing on sticks every morning??? No 2ww - Sign me up!!! I really needed this month break. . . more than I cared to admit in the beginning. I bought myself a bottle of Pinot Noir and it was amaaaaaaazing, it felt good to relax and let loose.

I'm still a bit frustrated that IUI #2 failed. At the same time. . . I am so very grateful that we are going to try again in May!! We've missed out on our 2012 Baby, *sigh* I was soooo hoping for a 2012 baby, I really was, lol. I used to get nervous thinking "What if the world really does end and I never get the chance to become a mother" Stupid I know, but when you're infertile crazy things like that will run through your mind at any given moment. It looks like we'll be set for an early February baby if IUI #3 works in May. .  *fingers crossed*

In the mean time. . . 
I've been keeping myself distracted by painting, taking pictures and playing with instagram.

I hope everyone has a Fabulous week!!


01 April, 2012

April Fools Day 2012

AF arrived today - Happy April fools Day, sorry your IUI failed. Haha :)

April first is never really a great day for me or at least it hasn't proven so over the last few years lol. Last year I remember going in on April 1st, it was CD 3 and my first baseline for what was supposed to be my first IUI, I felt on top of the world, only we found a huge cyst on my left ovary, so that threw a major roadblock in our path and I was crushed in an instant. it did lead to my surgery which was a blessing in disguise, I guess.

I'm going to call the fertility office in the morning and let my Doctor know that my period arrived and see if she has any suggestions for this month, or just let her know we're taking a month break :) I already feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off me, and I feel good about not doing anything this month!! I need a girls night out on the town, and not being on meds or having to time things will make a night out much more enjoyable, plus getting to have an normal sex life for a month sounds pretty amazing - no stress, is my kinda thing!!

We ripped out the carpet in our back living room today and if felt great!! I feel as thought I released a lot of residual anger from this failed cycle, Plus the Pnut and I make a great team ♥ Have a Great week everyone!!

After ripping the carpet out I needed yet another project to keep me occupied, so I made a slide show video form our Vegas trip pictures!!