22 January, 2012

Feeling Anxious!

Okay, I'm just going to say it. . . Where the hell is Winter? It was freaking 75 degrees today and it is January *stomps feet* :| I feel totally jipped and robbed of my precious dreary days, and frosty nights *sigh* Not cool Mother Nature. . .

Not cool :|

I feel like I've been avoiding my blog a bit. Not that I haven't had anything to say, because I have. . . I've just had a lot going on in my head. So much, that I could barely even get my Vegas blog out. My brain was cluttered up with so many other thoughts and feelings. Goodness.

I have been feeling anxious and restless... Oh, and you can add a bucket of anger along with it. Some mornings I wake up in a pissed off mood, still angry at what transpired in November. Angry that we have to go through this all over again. I hate feeling that way, but I can't push it away anymore, I have to feel it until there is nothing left to feel. The last few months have been really hard since the miscarriage, I feel like I have pushed certain feelings aside in order to make it through daily life without being a depressed mess. Hell - just making it through the Holidays was a job. It has been hard, harder than I have recently cared to admit.

Small amounts of excitement have started to creep back in to my heart. . . I officially have only a week and a few days until I finish my Birth Control. Eeek! I will call the Fertility office on CD 1, go in for my baseline ultrasound on CD 3, hopefully all will look good and I can pick up my Letrozole and be on our way to IUI # 2. Fingers are crossed that there are no speed bumps. I'm over speed bumps and ready to get this show on the road.

I admit that it feels kind of strange being weeks away from doing another IUI. . . Weren't we just there a few months ago? It already feels different this time. I feel like a wounded warrior going back into battle. This time going in, I will not let me heart be hurt so easily. I will guard my self and my thoughts as best as I can. It feels like it all happened yesterday, and yet it will be three months on Feb 9th. My poor little Bean. So many things are running through my head, I have never felt so vulnerable. I'm feeling deep emotions and lots of them. I am excited, fearful, hopeful, nervous and scared to death all at the same time. It feels like I'm riding huge waves of emotions the closer we get. I want so badly for it to work again, just like it did last time. I pray that if it does work, that it sticks. . . I am so afraid of another loss. My heart can't take much more. All I can do is think positively and if it doesn't work we'll try one more time.

I recently started Video Blogging and created a Youtube Channel :) For anyone that wants to follow along, please do! And if any of you ladies out there Video Blog let me know - I'd love to follow your stories as well!!



  1. I miss winter too!! where the hell is the cold?! I love your video blog! Keep your thought positive! :) February is almost here!!

  2. I loved the video!! You are sooo brave and strong to continue your fight to have a baby and to journal it all here and on video, I think that's really great! I know you have all kinds of mixed up emotions, but don't keep them in! There are lots of ladies out there to talk to in the blogosphere and I would be happy to chat! I feel like our journeys are very similar and I would be happy to connect! Good luck in February and I will have everything crossed for you! Take care xxx

  3. I hear you--where the heck is winter? I'm so weirded out by the warm weather. I love warmth but this is crazy.

    All of your thoughts about trying again--YES. I'm so scared, too. The thought of having another loss is absolutely terrifying.

    I hope your letrozole cycle starts off perfectly! (And ends perfectly, but we'll start with being hopeful for the CD3 u/s, right?)


Leave some Luv