27 December, 2012

We are totally doing IVF in the Spring!!

So. . . I'm having another date night with a bottle of Pinot Noir! Hahaha, I promise I'm drinking out of a glass this time! More like a coffee cup, but hey it gets the job done. I'm watching "Rock of Ages", snuggled in my blanket, eating some peppermint bark and oh my gosh - I think I unconsciously swoon over Alec Baldwin. I think it's, because he's an Aries like me. He seriously makes me giggle :) Or maybe it is really, because I watch "30 Rock" and I love, LOVE love the relationship between Liz and Jack. . .  I always imagine Josh as my Jack :)

Lately, life has been very busy and I'm so, soo happy that the Holiday season is coming to an end! Work has been super busy, Josh's Nanny passed away and we flew to Louisiana in early December. . . When I got back I went back to work the next day and worked for 10 days straight, my grandmother, the very woman who raised me has been in and out of the Hospital for the last two weeks. She is out now and doing better, but geeeeze. I'm ready for a break and ready for things to calm down. Ugggg. Holiday season in my job field = craziness and longer hours. I'm burnt out, lol.

So, obviously the world did not end on the 21st :| I think I may have secretly hoped something slightly crazy would happen,lol I kept saying to Josh "If the world ends, or society as we know it ends then I won't have to work anymore" Hahaha. Wouldn't that be nice? Oh-well, maybe next time. I did have a Christmas-Dooms Day party at my house on Friday - The day the world was supposed to end, lol. It was a blast!! I had such a great time. I have to say it was the best party turn out at my house since we've moved in :) Christmas was good, not great, but good. I enjoyed being with my family the most! I think I feel so blah about it, because I had to work both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - Booooo. *sigh* and, because yet again we celebrate Christmas without our own little family - Infertility and Endometriosis suck - Big time *stomps feet*

But. . .  Hopefully. . . This will be our last Christmas as just the two of us!!

I haven't really been open or very verbal about this on Blogger, because I wasn't quite ready to share with everyone, I know some people read my blogs and I wasn't ready for them to know, but now I am.

Josh and I are moving forward with IVF in the spring. . .

Holy Freaking Crap!! 

Our first IVF consult appointment is set for February 4th *Eeeeeeeek*

I actually posted a blog months ago in my excitement and then took it down the very next day, lol. Some of you saw that, but for those who didn't - now you know!! I recently had 2,000.00 dollars worth of medication donated to me - OMG!! How awesome is that??? I feel truly blessed and if I don't use all of it then I will donate my remaining med's to someone in the end.

I am beyond excited *sigh* I'm also really scared, nervous and anxious. This is a huge step, a huge risk. Our hearts could be ripped apart or we could get he best gift life could possibly give. Looking over the year of 2012. . . it was filled with hurt, grief, pain, healing and frustration. I still feel some of those things here and there, but for the most part I do pretty well!! I'm strong in my head, strong in my heart and strong in my reason for continuing to try for a baby of our own. I will be going to a new Fertility Clinic, which makes me a bit nervous, but my doctor is moving to this clinic so that should make the transition much easier. I will probably start posting a bit more as we get closer. I will need a place of venting, questioning and reasoning. Blogging has always helped me through uncertain times.

In the new year Josh and I plan to get back into health mode!! We've been eating bad and drinking and all that good stuff. Now it's time to get back on track and get into baby-making mode. It's not the most romantic way to make a baby, but I have high hopes and at this point I don't care what it takes to get there. I just want to get somewhere. I'm excited about IVF, but realize and keep reminding myself that this is not a 100% guarantee. . . I will remain optimistic in my days ahead.

I signed up for a 5k in February :) I'm really excited about that. It is partly motivation to keep in shapte and healthy for IVF, but also something really fun to do. I've never done one before, but I've always wanted to do one. I turn 30 in March, have a small list of a few tings I want to do before turning 30, a 5k is one of them. I'm trying not to wig out about turning 30, but I have tiny moments here and there where I feel my youth slipping away, lol. I need to start planning a Birthday Bash!! We will not start an IVF Cycle until about April, so I will allow myself one night of fun and a few drinks!! I'm specifically waiting until after my Birthday to do IVF, because if it doesn't work I don't want to be sad and miserable during my 30th birthday. This past birthday when I turned 29 I was in the dumps. We did our 2nd IUI and I was in my 2WW on my birthday. . . I could not enjoy myself. I think I knew deep down inside that the IUI didn't work so it put me in a pretty fowl mood, I was so depressed and felt like such a failure, I was really angry with my body. . . I will not do that to myself again, not again.

Merry Christmas to everyone!! or Merry "What ever you celebrate" - See everyone in the new year!!

20 November, 2012

This post was brought to you by Pinot Noir

Here I sit. . . cozy on the couch., in my comfy cloths, in my usual spot with my usual Fall colored throw that Josh absolutely hates, lol. He has every right to hate it. Haha.  I got it on sale a year ago, I'd been eying if for a few weeks. The colors were so beautiful - rust and olive green chocolate browns with a few golden strands here and there, that kinda thing. Well. . . The stupid throw sheds worst than my dogs :| So, yea. . . here I sit, snug as a bug watching the movie "Andre". Sometimes I get these nostalgic feelings and pine to watch movies I loved as a child, or rather young person. . . Did I mention that I'm drinking Pinot Noir? Did I also mention that I'm drinking it straight from the bottle. Is it sad to say I was a little lazy and didn't want to get up to get a glass?? My excuse is that I drank half the bottle a few days back and since I know I'll finish the rest tonight, a glass. . . is not needed :) Pure logic I tell ya, pure logic. I'm quite happy right now if that means anything!!

I feel like the last part of this year is flying by. . . Like, seriously, wtf?!?  Does anyone else feel this way. I feel like I might say this every year, but  I swear this year if feels even faster. Hummm. Thanksgiving is in two days and it does not feel like Thanksgiving just yet. Mother Nature is late for the Fall party. . .  crazy bitch. I'm ready for some cold weather!!

(side note - So, Mr. Pnut and I have been watching Fringe (love!!) and Joshua Jackson playes Peter, well I'm watching Andre, the movie about the seal, and Joshua Jackson is in it as a little kid, loooooooollololol. I'm giggiling over here)

Okay, so back to how freaking fast time is flying by. (Side pic - Josh and I dressed as Zombies for a Halloween Party this year) I have to say I'm sadly disappointed that I haven't seen more craziness happening in the news about Dec 21st, 2012. (Pinot Noir makes me sarcastic). I thought for sure there would be large groups of people freaking out right about now. . . Tomorrow will make it a month till dooms day. Hahahha. I remember last year and the year before last when I was in the trenches of ttc. . . I felt this indescribable need to get pregnant fast so that I could get pregnant and have a baby before the world ended. wtf?? Is wrong with me? I don't know why I felt that way... but this tiny little voice in the back of my head would say "well, what if something really does happen" Nothing like feeling and hearing the ticking countdown of imaginary impending doom.  I don't really think the world is going to end, but you know. . . I'm infertile, I have irrational thoughts from time to time. On an infertility note, I'm doing well :) Still on Birth Control, still having Endo pain :| But doing well over all!! November was a little hard, as it was a year since our last loss, the one that ripped my heart out, yea . . . that one. It was hard, I actually cried on that day. . . it felt nice *sigh*. I'm strong. . . I'm ready. . . for IVF. Eeeek!!

I'm really excited for the new year to come. Eeek! Lots of things to come and I can't wait.

Well, peeps. . . This is totally just a rambling, wine induced post, so I will end here and say goodnight. I hope you are all doing well and soon I will return to blogger full time - xoxoxo


27 August, 2012

The season is changing, and so am I ♥

August is almost gone and Summer is winding down.

I guess you could say - The season is literally on the cusp of change and I couldn't be more happy about it, because I'm starting to feel this change deep within my bones, I can smell it and almost taste it in the air. . . and it feels really, really good.

I started taking Birth Control again since we are no longer ttc'ing, I'm about two weeks in and already I feel like a new person.... well, almost new. . . I'm getting there slowly, but surely. Since starting the BC I feel that something within me has changed or rather something has awoken. I feel like the BC is helping me to understand that I don't have to live in that "TTC" frame of mind anymore, that I can stop thinking about having a baby for a while and that is okay and it doesn't mean I'm giving up, it just means I'm doing what I have to do in order to be happy. Someday we WILL do IVF and when that time comes it will be truly amazing, ah-mazing. I can't wait for that time to come, because I feel deep in my heart that it will work. . . I just know it. But. . .  I'm finding more, and more, that it is okay to just enjoy myself in the time between now and ivf-time. I have to live life. I have to be happy!! The BC is a huge help emotionally. . .  we'll see if it helps the pain! I do still plan to eventually be completely free of red meat and gluten. I've been making much better food choices, MUCH better :)I will admit that sugar is hard. . . I'm finding ice cream the hardest thing to give up. I'm not sure if taking the birth control has been a mental thing, or what, but I feel a spark again that I haven't felt in a very long time. It is a spark of real happiness, not a forced feeling of happiness, but a genuine happiness that is starting to wash over me. I feel it creeping into the nooks and crannies of my heart, breathing new light onto my dry and barren soul.  I feel myself letting go of the negative feelings that have accompanied this the last few years year, and I'm feeling more of this little thing called life. It has definitely taken me a while to get to this point, but I'm so glad that I'm on my way.

Although the Texas heat was horrendous and killed all of the grass in my yard, it did spare my Apple Blossom tree!! I planted it in June for remembrance of our losses and I was a little worried that the summer heat and lack of rain would kill it; I got lucky! So, overall the summer was really, really good to me. I spent time with friends, spent time in the sun, listened to great music beneath the Summer Sun, got sun-kissed and no sun burns, traveled to the lake house several times, drank alcohol and didn't feel guilty about it, got about a thousand new freckles, jet skied for the first time in my life, tubed across the lake laughing my ass off, kayaked for the first time, watched a meteor shower with my sister and saw 6 meteors, had BBQ, learned how to make my best friends awesome guacamole, started watching "Doctor Who" from the beginning, watched 2nd season of "Falling Skies" with my Hubby and I have successfully participated in August VEDA 2012. . . Not a bad summer, not bad at all. 

If you can't tell. . . I'm soooo ready for the Fall season to be here, I could scream!! Eeeek! I have one more day of work left and then I'm on vacation time *happy dance* I'm not going anywhere special. . . Honestly the only reason I'm taking vacation time is to clean my house and my yard. Plus, just having a bit of time off before the busy season kicks our butts will be nice. I've been sooo lazy over the summer and it's been so hot that I haven't wanted to do anything, ANY-E-THING. . . So I need a good week to get things in order. I've also picked up a new hobby ---> Crochet!!! I've needed a hobby for a while and I'm so glad I've found one. When I get really good I'll post a picture of something I've made. I'm currently working on a scarf... The bottom part looks pretty jacked up, but I'm getting better and that's really all that matters :)

This week was officailly Teddy's "Rescue Week". We found him last year this very same week, he was skin and bones, and dug his way into our yard. Josh decided if the was that determined to get into our yard for food and water, then we'd give him a shot - He has turned out to be one of the best dogs we've ever had the privelege of sharing our life with
Happy Rescue Week -Teddy Bear

I hope everyone has a great week and Thanks again to all of those who read and comment on my blog. You have no idea how much all of your sweet words mean to me


10 August, 2012

Thoughts. . .

I've sat down several times over the last couple weeks and tried to write a blog post; however. . .  they are all saved as drafts right now. They'll probably stay that way, as my brain hasn't been able to really get in the sharing mode. I either start off really well and fizzle out, or force my self to start and wind up writing a novel of repetitive feelings that make no sense. *sigh*.

So, here I am. . . Lost. . . Lost in an "in-between" world of Infertility and not quite sure how to really feel about it anymore.

We actively tried during the month of July to get pregnant. It was my last hurrah, my last chance trying on our own. One last moment to be mocked by my reproductive systems inability to do anything right. I used OPK's, pre-seed and the softcup. . . I'm on CD 32, AF is imminent, and of course I don't feel pregnant, nor do I think I am. Somehow I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe we'd get our miracle this month. Why do I do that to myself? I'm not devastated that I didn't get pregnant, because deep down I knew I wouldn't, but that tiny bit of hope floating around in my head thought it could be possible, but it's not. And, it just sucks. The reality of my Infertility pisses me the fuck off.

So, I called the RE office yesterday and asked for a prescription for BC. I was planning to do the Endo diet instead of taking BC, but I haven't even started my diet and figured I'd better take the BC so things don't get worse. I do still plan to start my diet, but at the same time I feel so defeated. I feel so many effing things that it's not even funny. I want to sulk and feel sorry for myself, but I also want to feel better and move on. . .

I don't even know if I want to do IVF anymore. I feel like it would be so much easier to just make the decision now, not to have kids so that I can move on with my life and start learning how to accept things. I feel like waiting for IVF is another few years of uncertainty that will steal away my life and my happiness and there is no guarantee that it will work. . . I feel like such a pessimist. Not everyday, but today I do.

After my RE consult in June, when she told me IVF was going to be the only way, I was angry, then happy and then ready to save money... I think I was wanting so badly to feel better that I just pretended that I was "cool" with it, but I'm not, not really. I'm still angry, still frustrated. still grieving my loss(es) and still pissed off at everything we've been through. We have nothing to show for it, but a few invisible scars and buried feelings that resurface and taunt me from time to time.

I have been enjoying the summer, so that is good. I feel like I really have fun when I do stuff with friends, but when I'm alone, I feel very alone with my thoughts. I need to start working out again, I know that will help alleviate this depression I'm feeling... It's just so hard to give your self the jump-start that is so desperately needed sometimes.

I've been doing a month long video challenge on my Youtube Channel, it is called VEDA (Video Everyday in August). I will post the link to my first VEDA on the bottom... we're now on day 10 and I'm proud to say I've actually stuck with it... let's see how if I can finish it without missing any days, hahaha.

My sister, Natalie moved back home :) It's been years since she lived close to us. I'm looking forward to spending time with her, having sister time and sister talks. One of my best friends (for the last 10 years) has fallen off the grid with a boy that hits her, and now we never talk. I've missed having a girl to vent to and she was always that person. I use to visit her at least once a week, becuase she only lived 10 minutes away, she was my escape, my laughter and my silliness. Several, several months ago she moved and wouldn't let me come see her, everything was an excuse. I knew it was, because she didn't want me to know she was still with that guy, so everything feel apart after that and now I might hear from her once a month, if that. I miss her so much, I worry about her and hope she figures life out. I was really angry inside with her at first when everything got bad. I wasn't really sure why, but then I realized it was, because after my miscarriage I needed friends more that anything and that's when she started fading away. I felt like she abandoned me as a friend, I was hurting and needed a friend and she wasn't there for me. . . I guess I'm just now starting to accept it and move on, losing a friend is hard. I know she's not gone, but in a way she is. I love her so much and will be there for her if she ever needs anything.

Any-who. Sorry this blog is so "Debbie-downer-ish" I just had to get thoughts out and put them somewhere other than my head, lol.

VEDA Challenge!!!


03 July, 2012

Update after RE Appt. . .

I can hardly believe it has been almost a month since I last blogged. . . I must admit that the time away has been nice and even now as I try and write this post my brain is just not really with it, lol. I think the Texas heat may be frying my brain cells just a tiny bit.

We finally had our WTF appointment with my RE and talked about what the next step is for us since IUI # 3 failed. . . It was a good talk and I'm glad I got it done and over with.

Drum roll please
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


 *pulls hair out* 

Yep, that is the only option left for us unless a miracle happens and  I get pregnant naturally. 

Hummmm. . . *scratches head*  How the heck did we get to this?!?!?


 IVF will cost us anywhere from 12,500-14,500 and will get us 1 fresh IVF cycle and one FET cycle.

Mr. Pnut and I have decided that we'll save the money. *gulp* It may take a while, but eventually we'll get there. In the mean time I'll still be able to see my RE for treatment of Endometriosos *Happy Dance*. Getting to see Dr. Laura for Endo makes me so very happy and mainly, because I've already been seeing her for the last few years and she already knows my body, heck she's been inside there and knows what's up so that makes me feel very confident that I'm in good hands!!

We talked about what I should do about the Endo during the extended break before getting to IVF and she will leave it completely up to me. She doesn't want to force us to stop trying on our own, because any opportunity is an opportunity, but let's get real. Endo is ravaging my insides as we speak, so I need some way of controlling it from now until we're ready for IVF.

Right now I'm having more and more pain from my Endo, it is not just during AF, but also during sex, ovulation and other random days throughout my cycle. I've dealt with this for a very long time so, I'm kind of used to it, but knowing the pain is coming back more and more each cycle lets me know that the Endo needs to be stopped somehow if we are to have a successful IVF in the future. (I can't believe I just said that) Talking about IVF feels so foreign right now, I never thought we'd have to go that far to make a baby. . .

Dr. Laura recommends going back on BC to see if that helps the pain and to obviously control the growth, if that does not help then we'll talk about Lupron. I seriously do not want to take Lupron :| If any of you have had to go on Lupron for Endo please leave me some info, advice or anything that would be helpful please share :) Dr. Laura also advised me not to wait past 32. The longer we wait the more damage my Endo will cause, I'll be 30 in March so, this gives us a good amount of time to save up. I told Dr. Laura that I would call back in August as I'd make up my mind then on what to do about the BC. I'm about to get a visit from AF, so I plan on trying on our own for a natural cycle during July just as one last attempt on our own before walking away for the next year or so. I don't have high hopes that it will work, but who knows.

I've been thinking about possibly going on a Diet *Ahhhhhhhhhhhh* An Endo Diet that is. I wonder if I can control the Endo in a more natural way that way we still have opportunities to conceive on our own while we wait and save for IVF. So many things to think about. . . The Diet would mean big changes in my lifestyle, I'm fearful of not having the power to stick with it, lol. . . I've been doing a bit of research and it is helpful yet completely overwhelming at the same time.

RE Update - Vlog


09 June, 2012

I planted my Tree!!

I want to say again how grateful I am for this community and the support I have been given! Thank you to everyone who reads my blog, because it means a so much to me!!

I also want to say that if you do not see many posts from me over the next few months please do not be alarmed, lol. I'm just going through emotions that require more of *me* time!! More real *me*, not *me* on the computer contemplating all things infertility. I have to heal myself, and I can't continue to do things in the same way that I have in the past. I have been immersed in the world of infertility for so long that I need to regroup and figure out how I truly want to move forward, if I want to move forward. . . In order to do that I need feel better emotionally and physically. I need to support myself more instead of just shoving myself through each month mindlessly.

I'm not giving up on trying to conceive our little miracle, but I am stepping away for a while. I'm 29. I'll be 30 in March. I want to be happy when I turn 30. I was miserable turning 29, waiting to see if I was pregnant since we'd done IUI right before my Birthday. It failed. I failed. Emotionally it was the worst birthday I've ever had. It was fun and I was surrounded by my awesome friends, but I was numb inside and I hate that I have let infertility steal that from me. I have become such a hermit that I'm watching my life pass by, I miss my friends and I miss being happy. We need to save money, because I don't want to waste  money on ingectables with the severity of my Endo. If we are going to save money then I want to save for IVF. My doctor says I would be a great candidate because we know I "can" get pregnant and I have plenty of eggs. I feel a sense of relief knowing we are taking an extended break. *sigh* I have had thoughts of whether or not I even want to purse IVF. . . Maybe I'm ready to walk away and find peace with it all right now. I have been battling these thoughts very intensely as of late. I think if anything we'll always try no matter what, and if it happens well then so be it. I don't know what I'll do, I just know that I can't deal with this my whole life. . . I'm gonna to need to dig really deep in order to understand where I need to go from here.

I'll still be around lurking about and reading your blogs and perhaps even commenting. I hope to see many bfp's in the future for all you ladies!! And I'll probably post randomly about my life. . . Who knows *sigh*

I took the first step in my healing process by planting a tree in my backyard to remember my Little Bean. And all of *this*. This - meaning all the shit that my husband and I have been through because of Infertility, all the pain, the hurt and for each of my losses that will never be. Had I not miscarried in November we would have brought home a baby this week :| It still breaks my heart. This tree is also my hope. Because I do still have a lot of hope!! I will watch it grow and change, and I will hope with each new leaf and each new inch that I will be that much closer to my goal. A baby. A life that will be a piece of both of us, a life to carry on after ours. I feel much peace after planting my tree. I buried beneath it a sonogram picture, a short note, that first pregnancy test and my hospital bracelet with the date it all happened. . . It feels as if I set a part of my self free. I feel good about that and ready to move on with finding myself again. . .  Much love to you all ♥


04 June, 2012

Thank you everyone!!

I just want to to say Thank you so much to everyone for your support and wonderful comments. You truly helped lift my spirits and I really can't express in the right words what that means to me. I was in a very dark place, but I am feeling better today and a little more like me. I'm planting my little tree tomorrow and hope that it will help bring even more peace my way. I'm scheduling a consult appointment with my RE so the Husband and I can sit and discuss where we go from here. . . 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your sweet, honest and supportive words ♥ 

IUI #3 = BFN Vlog


02 June, 2012

Sometimes I'm not very positive. . .

IUI # 3 is a failure. . . I cried all day on Friday, actually I've been crying for days. . .  I just had a feeling this cycle wasn't it since I got so freaking sick this week. I wrote the post (below) last night in a fit of crying. It was not pretty, not pretty at all. Thank God my Pnut was snoozing in bed so he didn't have to witness me in all my glorious misery. This morning I took a test. . . I wasn't gong to test early, but I needed something to relieve the craziness going on in my head. The test was negative. I cried, and cried and cried some more and then went to work. I'm still a few days from my actual test date so I'm pretty sure the early pregnancy test would have picked up something. .  . I now feel sad, but feel some relief as well. I plan to obviously test again on Monday morning. . . But I already know in my heart that it is going to be a negative. I feel crushed and so disappointed. . . My heart is hurting and I truly don't know where we'll go from here. I was going to delete the post below, but felt I should not be ashamed of my sad pity party. . . I need to remember this, how it feels, so one day when I have to throw in the towel... at least I'll know I gave it everything I had in me. Life is so unfair. . .  I'm grateful for all I have, but I feel empty and defeated at the same time.

Friday Nights Post, mind you it was typed while crying uncontrollably... I'm better today.

Ps. . . Sorry about all the F-bombs :|

I cry and my heart aches. . . it aches more than words can say. I cry, because I feel dead inside, numb, unable to find my happiness, unable to remember who I am and what makes me laugh. I feel as if all I know right now is pain, struggle and heartache. . . My sobs are deep and full of sadness, fear and frustration. This pain of "what if" and this pain of "infertility" is and has become emotional torture. I have felt this pain for 8 years, 8 fucking years and it only gets worse as time goes on. Why do I feel so alone, why do I punish myself and not let myself reach out? I stay in this warped little bubble that is my world, and I feel comfort there, because it is really all I have know for such a long time, I feel like no one around me really understands the pain I feel inside. I don't want to burden others. I'm struggling to stay afloat and I am losing my life, my *me*. One day when this is all over (this crappy infertility ride) I'm going to wake up, baby or no baby and be sad for all that I have lost to this stupid fucking disease. I feel so guilty at times for pushing people away, I don't mean it, but I know I do it. I feel somewhat disconnected, emotionally disconnected. It kinda feels like everyone's life is moving forward in some way, and I'm just stuck on pause watching everything else around me go by, unable to speak, powerless. It's getting close to the end, because I don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm almost ready to walk away if this one doesn't work. I just want to scream out loud, I want to break things I want to feel something other than just my fucking emotions. I'm hurting inside. I feel so defeated already, my heart.... I want to rip it out and not feel anything. I'm so fearful of failure, I don't want to go back to that dark place. I can't. It's not fair. Why? Why"? Fucking WHY???? I hurt on a daily basis. I put on my mask to be a normal person in this cookie cutter life, but at times I feel as though I'm dying inside. I hate what I have emotionally become. I hate the way I feel. I hate that it feels like there is a fucking hole in the middle of not only my body but my soul. I am broken, I feel completely broken. . . I do not know who I am anymore. I mean really? who am I? I am an fucking infertile woman who is pissed off at the world. *sigh* I'm breaking inside. . . Photobucket

29 May, 2012

Feeling like crapola

Well Ladies I'm sick :| And not the "morning sickness" kinda sick. I have been attacked by some sort of virus or some sort of upper respiratory infection. I feel like dog poo, and it is my Husbands fault since he got sick first :| Monday I had a little cough, Monday night it started to get worse, I couldn't sleep last night and could feel my lungs burning each time I tried to cough. Ugggg. I woke up this morning feeling like death warmed over :( This is totally not the best time to get sick. *stomps feet and pouts*

Today I am 7 DPIUI and on CD 23. . . I really have no clue if this IUI worked or not. I'm afraid my pessimistic side has gained control of my thoughts as of right now. I've been very tearful, emotional, irritable or rather short tempered, but I haven't felt any of the signs I felt when I got pregnant with IUI in September. I wake up and the first thought on my waking mind is "Are my boobs sore??" Ugggg. I feel like a freak walking around grabbing my boobs throughout the day, lol. I feel frustrated that I'm unable turn that part of my brain off. I know I've said this before... So I'll just say it again.


I feel as though I got spoiled feeling all those symptoms so early on that first IUI... I'm finding it hard to remain positive right now. No to say that I can't find it within me, just that its kinda hard right now. I'm hoping my negativity is a sign of moodiness and hopefully a pregnancy symptom :) I don't know if it's because I'm sick and just feel so crappy, if it is just the fear of failure or if I'm just feeling sad about this upcoming week... My little Beans due date *sigh*. I didn't think it would really bother me, but having done this IUI I now feel soooo much emotion, so anxious, I feel like I want to hibernate for the next 7 days. . . :)

Sorry to be such a downer Ladies - we all have those days and today is mine! 

 IUI #3 CD 23 - 7 DPIUI Vlog


22 May, 2012

That time again - May ICLW

Welcome, May ICLWers!!

Thank you so very much for taking the time to stop by my page *waves Hi*

If you want the long version of our journey you can visit here.

I am 29 years old and my Husband is 31 - We will celebrate 9 years of Marriage this week on Thursday the 24th Eeek- ♥ We have been attempting to get pregnant and stay pregnant for the last 8 years. . . We've spent the last two and a half years seeking treatment and have suffered several miscarriages :| I have Stage IV Endometriosis which blocks my left tube and has caused extensive scarring, but the Husband has a pretty decent swing team so that is an excellent plus!!

Today at 10:30am we completed our 3rd IUI paired with Letrozole. This will be our 3rd "try" since my miscarriage in November 2011. Hopefully this will be our lucky #3. We should know by the first week of June if our IUI worked. That will be the same week I would have been due with my sweet little bean *sigh* Let's just say it will either be the best week I've had in forever, or it will be a rather crappy week where I'm forced to crawl into a hole and hibernate until I'm old, grey and all my eggs have dried up, hehehe. 

This may very well be our last shot with IUI. I'm hoping and praying with everything that I have within me that it works and sticks. I'd love to have a little Valentines Baby *sigh* We can't afford IVF so if this doesn't work we'll most likely take an extended break, try on our own and save for IVF.

*fingers crossed*


19 May, 2012

IUI# 3 CD -12 Follicle check!

Well ladies. . . My CD-12 Follicle check went well! My right ovary listened and did great work this month, because I have a SUPER-EGG and several other great sized follicles!!! *happy dance* Let's all give my right ovary a round of applause, lol.

Dr. Laura did say that my lining looked really thin :| Although I'm not extremely worried, plus she said the day I go in for our IUI we'll do another check of the lining. This month when AF ended I continued to have light spotting up until CD-10. I had a feeling it was going to be thin. Like I said, I'm not going to worry about it, because this is what happened to me on the very first IUI cycle we did in September. I remember calling the Fertility office freaking out, because I was still bleeding. They calmed me down and said I'd be fine and to call if it didn't end in a few days. When we did that IUI we didn't even do a follicle check or even a lining check, other than on CD-3 baseline, we just did it with no hesitation, lol. So what I'm saying is. . . my lining must have thickened up on its own because I did get pregnant!! So. . . I'm not that worried.
Dr. Laura said that she didn't like that the Letrozole was thinning me out so much, so she kind of hinted at possibly doing an injectable cycle next time if this one does not work. But. . . Yes, there is always a but! She is worried about doing an injectable cycle, because my left tube is blocked. I have no idea what an injectable cycle will cost, I'm sure it isn't cheap :| Uggg. Oh, and yes.... Blood sausage is still there. Fun times I tell ya - Overall the appointment went really well and I feel sooooo hopeful :) Dr. Laura even had a little present for me, *blushes* She got me a necklace with a tiny little owl on it. I love owls, she said she hopes it brings us luck. I put it on and I don't plan on taking it off until this cycle ends in a BFN or BFP. . . and if it ends with a BFP I may never take it off, hehehe. Right now I'm just waiting on my surge so we can get this show on the road!!

I am happy to announce that I lost some weight over the last two weeks - Yay!!!After jumping on the scale and seeing 153 I decided to stop going crazy with all the sweets and huge portion sizes ( I love food and flavor) So I am now down to 144 *sigh* I feel more comfortable with that number. . . I've been trying to eat super healthy, we have not had fast food in almost two weeks, plus I've been drinking tons of water! I eat Fiber Flax seed bread with my sandwiches, raw fruit, raw greens, vitamins, carrot juice and mega green juice. . .  I feel really, really, really good about this cycle.

I love the feelings I get when I'm cleared for a treatment cycle. I suddenly feel more alive than normal, I have a certain kinda pep in my step and I am filled with unending hope. I smile more. I cry tears of hopeful joy and I begin to imagine myself with a little one. I don't imagine being pregnant, but I am filled with little visions of myself as a mother, or visions of Josh teaching our little one something super important. I can see him now being so protective and nurturing.. . . Just walking through my house I'll stop and imagine a little toddler running ahead of me to let the dogs out, or a little toddler splashing around in my bath tub. If I can see it in my head, then it must be possible right???

I'm going to pray to any and all Gods that may be listening and hope 
with all my heart that this is our lucky # 3 ♥

IUI # 3 Vlog


14 May, 2012

Hello hot-flashes and Goodbye Mothers Day!

I sat down yesterday and tried to write a post for Mothers Day, but it just wasn't in me.

I took my last dose of Letrozole yesterday, so I was definitely feeling emotional and slightly tearful at the tiniest things, I could also feel the hot flashes setting in, lol. They are no where near as bad as Clomid hot-flashes. Today is CD 8 and I'm already lost in thought when it comes to this 3rd IUI. I can't believe we are here again.

Come on Right Ovary. . . I will pull all of my hair out if you do not work with me  You can do this!!

Every year we host a Mothers Day Lunch at the Hotel I work for, so I was pretty busy and happily distracted throughout most of the day. I was glad to work. When I got to work it was still kind of quiet so I stepped outside and called my Grandmother to wish her a Happy Mothers Day!! She did raise me after all, and I own my life to that woman for taking me in when my own parents no longer wanted me. I then called my Mother and then my Mother In-law!! My Mom was dead asleep and Sheila didn't answer, so I wound up leaving a message. Making my rounds of Mother's Day calls this year was fairly painless. I worked, made my calls, watched the series finale of Desperate Housewives *sniff sniff*, and last but not least, the season finale of Survivor!! I was jumping back and forth for two hours trying to catch bits and pieces of each show, lol. I enjoyed myself and I'm so thankful, that I made it through in one piece!!

In all honesty - I tried not to think about it. . .  "It"  being Mothers Day. . .

I didn't think "how unfair" or say "I'm so sad" or "I hate this day" I just didn't think or speak about it as best as I possibly could. There were a few moments where I teared up looking at other peoples Facebook posts, pictures of flowers or pictures out to lunch with their little ones, but over all I survived the day, and I feel proud of myself!! I waited until I got home from work before sending out the mass "Happy Mothers Day!!" text to all my cousins and friends. For some reason it felt more difficult to send out that text, I'm not really sure why. I didn't have enough in me to send out personalized texts for each person, but hey at least I made the effort, right? 

Josh and I were catching up on a few shows when I sent out the Mothers Day text. . . He asked me if Mothers Day was hard for me. I was surprised that he asked and I told him "Kind of". I quickly spit out a few more words to let him know I was okay and trying not to let it bother me. In that moment, I could have broken down immedeatly and really, really cried, but I wanted him to see that I was strong, and that I'd be okay, because I was, it was just another day. I then mumbled that I was trying not to think about it, and the conversation was over. I felt happy that he asked me, that he acknowledged the fact that this day "might" be hard for me.
I was super surprised that my cousin Maddie text back with " You too, darling I love you"

I cried. . . She was the only person other than Josh, that said anything to me about Mothers Day, acknowledged me, or even thought of me, it touched my heart in a way that I can't explain ♥ The tears I cried were short and sweet. It felt really nice knowing my cousin took a moment and realized that this day was hard for me and that it, is not always a day of celebration, but sometimes it is a day to mourn. And her simple text made all the difference in my day, and I love her so very much for that. It made me feel like all the pain in my heart was softened every so slightly, that everything I've been through has been real, and not just in my head. I may not be a Mother with a baby in my arms, but I have babies in my heart that I will never, ever get to hold. . . I was a Mother the moment I had to grieve the loss of life my husband and I created together *sigh*.

My heart wants to mother things more than anything in this world. When I was a kid and played "house" with my cousins, I was always the Mom. I've always wanted to be a Mother, always, deep down inside. I didn't get to grow up with my Mother, so I feel sometimes that I missed out on something very important in my life. I feel like having my own child will allow me a peek into a world I never understood. . . 

Happy Mothers Day to all of you awesome Moms
 And . . .
Happy Mothers Day to all you Ladies in waiting ♥

08 May, 2012

CD 2 - IUI #3 - Baseline

I know it has been a while and I've been rather quiet on the blogging front, but I am still here living in my own quiet little bubble. *sigh* I've been lurking about, reading posts here and there. To be honest. . . I haven't had the energy or even the ability to focus long enough to write out a post or comment on anyone's posts. I've had many things jumbling around in my head, but nothing that could be strewn together and actually called sentences or paragraphs. I have been everywhere except in my head, and usually it's the opposite way around. I have been dealing with some family issues as of late and lets just say - My side of the family is so effing crazy extremely draining emotionally. I love them, but holy crap are they a handful, plus they will never change and sometimes it is just too much. I'll have to save all that crazy drama for a rainy day, lol. I enjoyed my break from ttc'ing. I got out of the house more this month than I have in the last several months. If felt great. This past weekend Josh and I went out to celebrate a good friends Birthday. It was Saturday, Cinco De Mayo, on the lake, suuuuper nice. We sat out by the lake drinking beer, enjoying the sun and good company :) It was exactly what we I needed!! On Sunday we cooked Shrimp and Sausage Jambalaya and Burgers for my In-laws :) Josh's Mom is leaving on Saturday of this week, one day before Mothers day, so dinner was a good idea since she'll be in Louisiana for the next month. I'm glad the ttc break is over and that this month we have an actual goal: To Get Pregnant!!

AF finally arrived on Monday the 7th *Happy Dance* IUI # 3 Here we come!!!

It was CD 37. wtf AF, trying to make a girl crazy??? I haven't been that late in a really long time. I was definitely stomping my feet and tapping my fingers. I didn't think that I was pregnant, I knew I wasn't, I was just annoyed at having to wait around like that. Hahaha. My guess is that it's, because I wasn't on any hormones this month. Over the last few months I had been on meds, so I think going Au natural made my body for get what it was supposed to do, go figure.

I went in for my Baseline ultrasound today (CD2)! And, everything looked as good as we could possibly expect for someone with Stage IV Endo :| On Wednesday I'll pick up my prescription for Letrozole, start taking it and go back in on May 18th for a mid-cycle follicle check. Can't wait!!! I've determined that If my right ovary is the dominate one this month and we get to do the IUI for sure, it will be a day or so before our 9 year wedding Anniversary on the 24th and we'd be due right about Valentines Day 2013 *sigh*, one can dream. . . . .

I was sad to learn that Anna, the practice Medical Assistant had resigned. :( She was so funny, I'll miss her.  I was also sad when I stepped on that scale today. I admit that I have not been eating healthy, that I have not exercised in over two months and that I have put on weight and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Uggggggg. Today was an eye opener :| I felt so crappy seeing how much I weighed. My Dr. never said anything about it, but I felt ashamed that I've lost my self control,lol. I know it is not a horrible number, but it is the most I have EVER weighed in my life. None of my cloths fit, i feel jiggly and totally foreign in my own body. *sigh* The last year of treatment, miscarriage, depression and overall Infertility has taken a toll on me. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry. I'm going to start making changes!! No more excuses. I weighed 153 today. *gulp* Last July right before I had surgery for the Endo I was working out and weighed 135. . .  Something has to be done. I need to stop cramming sweets down my throat. I need to get up off my tush and exercise, I always feel so much better when I do cardio...  Uggg. I hate feeling like this. I know I can change it, but dammit why does everything have to be so freaking hard?? *sigh* I just want cookies that don't go straight to my ass, is that too much to ask for, Hahahha. *sigh*

I'm trying to think positively about this cycle and I truly hope that we are blessed with a successful and lucky 3rd IUI :)  I'm so tired of riding this IF-Coaster. . . I'm ready for a new adventure.

I have also been thinking a lot about what happens if this doesn't work. I wonder if we shouldn't just take an extended break from treatments, continue to try on our own and save up for IVF??? We could take the break, I could get myself back to a happier weight and we could refocus where we need to go from here. Don't get me wrong - I hope with all my heart and soul that this IUI works, that it will stick and we will make it past 4 months so we can finally clean out that junk room and call it a nursery I want this to work more than I can explain to anyone. I just don't know how I'm going to feel if it doesn't work. How will it affect my emotions, my weight, my life and my happiness. I felt so happy and excited about IUI #2 in March... then I felt so shitty when it failed. It was hard to swallow and I felt like such a failure. I know I am not really a failure, but I still felt the sting of my bodies inability to do what I needed it to do.

On May 4th (Star Wars Day - May the Fourth be with You) there was a storm in our area, I was out on my front  patio videoing the weird looking sky and lighting, and to my surprise I found a beautiful rainbow right over my house. I'm hoping this was a sign Eeek!!! *wishing and hoping for my rainbow baby*

I'll keep you all updated and I hope everyone has a great week ♥

Vlog - IUI #3


26 April, 2012

Ready for May!!

The break is almost over *wooohoooo* Today is April 26th, I'm on CD 26 and AF should be here this weekend*happy dance*. I love it when I get all kinds of excited that my period is on its way, lol. Only an infertile waiting to do treatment would be excited about AF. If I had not started my period on the 1st, I would not have even known what CD I am on, lol. I have not been keeping track this month and it has felt refreshing!

The break has been really nice and to my surprise very much needed *sigh*. Something I realized while on this break is that I've been such a freaking hermit over the past year. Even on this break I could barley get myself to blog or even read other blogs. I guess I really needed the alone time Uggg. Sometimes I want to slap my self and say "what's wrong with you". I did a few NIAW posts so that kinda got me out of my little blogging funk! I went out last weekend and saw some really good friends I'd not seen in at least 6 months, it was such a great feeling getting out of my house and to feel normal for a change :) They moved and live on the lake now, I didn't even know they moved, what a bad friend I've been. When I got there the sun was setting and it was simply breathtaking. I totally needed to see real beauty, beauty that I could breathe in. . . I also went out on Saturday with my Girls!! We went to the Main St Art's Festival... I may or may not have had a bit too much to drink, lol. I can't drink at all like I used to. I'll stick with my wine instead of Vodka. Vodka has seriously not touched my lips in a very, very long time, haha, it was worth it!!

Any-who I'm ready for IUI #3 - We can do this!! And, come on AF it is time to get this show on the road!

Don't Ignore - Yourself

Don't Ignore - Yourself 

I have already written one post for NIAW "National Infertility Awareness Week", but I felt inspired to write one more!! So many of you Ladies out there have written such amazing posts this week, and I am so happy to see everyone sharing their stories of hope, struggle and perseverance. Rock on!!!

I have Stage IV Endometriosis, so my left side tube is crappity crap-crap and we are only able to "ttc" every other month. Fun times I tell ya. . .

April was our month off this time around and it was the first month off in a long time that actually felt okay with it. I mean, I'm not going to lie and say I was perfectly okay with it. There was a part of me that was frustrated that we'd have to wait whole other month, uggg. After realizing there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, well, I just had to get over it and move ahead with a smile on my face. I welcomed the stress free time ahead of me and the ability to have a few glasses of wine - yummm! During my break I realized just how depressed I'd been over the last several months. I was able to take a step back and see what I was doing. . . And that was ignoring myself! It is so easy to get wrapped up with infertility, timing, treatments and charting. So much that you lose sight of your self. Then months later you take a break, open your eyes and say, wow - What happened to the last few months?

Taking a month of TTC isn't always easy for a woman. Sometimes you're so ready to keep moving forward and you just know in your heart that this next month will be "the month".  It is so intense on ones emotions. Sometimes it is devastating when you get sidelined and are forced to take a break. Sometimes you lose your self in those months of waiting for things to get moving again and sometimes you are already lost before you start the journey, that was me.

I was lost for at least 5 years. . .living in silence, lost in my own sea of infertility sadness. I was completely alone, contemplating my future as not only a mother and parent, but as a woman living in a world full of mothers and babies. I still ask myself "If I don't have kids who will I be"? I still don't know the answer to that questions, but I'm more okay not having kids as long as I know I fought for it i some way. 

It is my own fault for living in silence, so I really can't blame anyone. I wasn't ready to hear peoples opinions about me trying to conceive a child, or about how young I was, whether we were ready or whether or not we should finish school first. And since nothing was happening I chose not to share it with anyone, because I didn't want to hear their comments or less than positive opinions bout my choices. I knew I was young, I knew that! But, I also knew I had female "issues" that had not been confirmed and that weighted heavily on my mind. I drank, lied to myself, I partied, I pretended to be okay with not getting pregnant right away, I told myself I didn't want kids, I tried to ignore what was going on and I was angry with my body for failing me, month after month, year after year.

I didn't even talk to my husband about how I felt, because I pretended as if nothing was wrong and so did he. We were afraid to talk about it, so it was easier to imagine a life without having kids. I guess, I thought If we didn't talk about it then it wasn't real. We both knew there was a problem, yet we were not ready to do anything about it. I don't think we were even 100 percent sure if we wanted kids anymore, either that or we just knew how difficult it was going to be, so we held off thinking about it until it bubbled to the surface of our lives.

And it did. . . One Summer, the Summer of 2010. It was finally time to talk about it and there was no stopping it. That Summer I lost it or rather, I found a part of my "fight" that had been buried for so long. When I realized that I really did want to fight well, that was it. I went to my girly Doctor, who I had also avoided for 5 years. Seriously. . . I was so upset about possibly being infertile that I chose not to see my girly doctor, because I was afraid I'd have to talk about it, it being my infertility. So yea, I didn't go for a papsmear for 5 years. I had an emotional breakdown and decided I wanted to see someone, so I finally called girly Doctor. When I went to that appointment I broke down, all the way. I cried and sobbed the entire time, it was uncontrollable and I could barley get out coherent words. I wept as if was mourning a part of me that died. I was so sad inside. She stood there quietly holding a box of tissues. She didn't even bother me with silly questions, she just let me have my cry and gave me options. . . I felt so embarrassed, and wondered how many woman like myself she's seen in the last month.

I left the appointment that day feeling a thousand pounds lighter and feeling like I found a part of my old self. I never knew how much pain I was in until I felt half of it taken off my shoulders. I left with a prescription for Zoloft (taken only during the 2 weeks before my period), an appointment for blood work and a Clomid consult. I can't explain to anyone how life changing that appointment was for me. I could no longer suffer alone, my body and mind would no longer allow me to Ignore Myself.

I still struggle with Infertility on a daily and monthly basis, yearly basis. It will always be with me, but infertility will never control me like it did, because I found a part of myself that is willing to fight!!

If you are interested in learning more about infertility please visit Resolve.org
You can also participate in National Infertility Awareness week

 http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

23 April, 2012

"Don't Ignore" The Pain of Infertility

It is "National Infertility Awareness Week" also know as "NIAW"
 April 22-28, 2012 is National Infertility Awareness Week®, a nationwide campaign intended to educate the public about infertility and the concerns of the infertility community. Since 1989, RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association has led efforts to celebrate this special week by hosting events and activities designed to encourage grassroots advocacy and motivate the infertility movement
 This is a week set aside to discus all things infertility - How we are affected, how those around us are affected, how we can be helped, how we can help each other, how we can make changes and. . .  how we cope. 

I'm 29 years old - I have Stage IV Endometriosis and have had 3 miscarriages. I have been TTC for 7 years, 5 years spent trying on our own, and the last 2 1/2 years have been with a doctor.

The Theme for this years NIAW is "Don't Ignore______". You are supposed to fill in the blank with something you'd like to tell people "Not to Ignore" about infertility. I have chosen Pain. . . I have felt deep pain due to infertility. I have felt a pain that echos throughout my heart, my soul and body. It is the type of pain that greets me in the morning with a cruel smile. It is like a companion I feel chained to, a companion I have grown tired of, and a companion that has changed my life completely. Sometimes I feel that Infertility has highjacked my life. It has only been recently that I have become more able to face it and accept it for what it is. I have suffered loss and that is hard to swallow at times, not only am I infertile, but I can't stay pregnant. Infertility is pain that is handed out in doses, it's not all at once, it stays with you and lingers. I realize that I may never have a child of my own, it is a very real outcome that I try not to think about too much, yet the reality of that truth haunts me at times. I have felt pain both physically and emotionally. It doesn't go away and it cant be rated on a scale of 1-10, because the pain vibrates out and touches family members, spouses and friends in totally different ways. . . it touches whole lives and has little mercy.

I had a "feeling" I was infertile in my early 20's. I chose to ignore my gut feelings, because of what society told me and how I was made to feel by doctors. "You are so young, don't you want to wait and take birth control in the meantime". I was young, and why would I want to have children so young when there is treatment available for later on when I was "really" ready? All I can say is treatment does not guarantee that you'll get pregnant and stay pregnant.

Don't ignore your gut feeling and don't ignore the pain.

I have done the following - Relaxed, Taken it easy, Prayed, Vacationed, Had surgery, Hoped, Peed on ovulation strips, Tracked my cycle, Taken my temperature, Use special lube for sex, Laid in awkward positions after sex, Eaten different foods around ovulation, IUI, Clomid, Letrozole, Taken Vitamins, Changed my Diet, Charted, Stopped smoking, Stopped Drinking, Cried, Pleaded, Crossed my fingers, Tried not to think about it, and I have propositioned God, or whatever God is listening.
I have already tried all of it and more. And, let me tell you. . .  it is an insult when you tell me "It is in Gods hands" or that it will happen when "God says it is time". . .

Infertility has changed my life in many ways, many ways I could never explain to you, because I can't seem to find the right words. If I could share anything with the wold it would be this - Please Do Not tell a woman to do all of these things I have already done, while she is trying to conceive especially if it has already been over a year or more. I can understand saying some of these things within the first 3-8 months of trying to conceive, because it can take a few tries. Once you hit that year mark it is pretty obvious that there is a problem somewhere. It it hurts deep inside when you hit that year mark, have no answers, and no funds to figure it out. People have no clue that your heart is suddenly thrown into a most fearful and tragic state of being. And with everyone around you saying that you need to relax, well it is a slap right in the face and a hard one too. . . So if we open up enough to tell you we are struggling don't use those types of comments when responding to us. We usually know you had the best intentions when you make those types of comments, we know that you were just trying to be kind and say something nice, because you probably just didn't know what to say. What you should say is that you are sorry things didn't work this cycle, and that you hope the next month will be successful and maybe, that you hope one day they are blessed with a healthy pregnancy and that all their hard work pays off. That is truly the most neutral, kindest and honest statement you could say to any man or woman dealing with infertility. We know people don't necessarily understand what it is like to be infertile, but we know you are capable of opening your hearts to hear us, and that is what we need most of all. . . for those around us to listen, and not question. . . It seems a little scary for us to share things too, so don't be afraid to talk to us, and ask us what is going on in our "journey". We are used to most people not asking us what's going on, so your curiosity is sometimes a blessing in disguise, often allowing us to open up and release a little bit of our hurt that is bottled up inside. Talking about it makes it easier to deal with, and that is no lie.

And to all of the infertile woman out there right now - Don't ignore your own disease or your own feelings about the disease. Don't ignore your gut feelings. It is time to stop putting ourselves through so much torture, stop keeping it bottled up inside. We need to do our part and start opening our mouths to the world, make the people hear us, understand us. The world, everyday people and insurance agencies will not know we are in pain unless we tell them, show them or force them them understand. People around you will not know you are suffering unless you tell them. States will not know to cover Family reproduction aid, unless we tell them we need to the help, and if they don't listen, then make them listen. And, I don't mean just in this week. It is up to you to tell those around you when you are at your lowest, don't put on the fake smile and say your great, if someone is asking then tell them how you truly feel, or else how are they to know what you are dealing with? How are they to know that your heart was broken hours before you came into work because of another failed fertility treatment? Tell your friends when you hate the world, tell them when you feel jealous, and hurting, because you are so broken inside from dealing with infertility. Tell your family the truth about your struggles, tell them you've already had two losses and never shared it with them, because you didn't want to burden anyone with your pain and struggle. Tell your friends honestly that you don't want to go to that 3rd baby shower, because it is just too painful. Take time for your self and don't ignore your mental needs. "We" as infertile woman want to control how people see us while were dealing with infertility, we want people to think we are strong and we are, but we are also fragile and living on the edge of something so fierce, something so much bigger than ourselves. It is overwhelming at times, so Ladies - Stop trying to hold it all on your own shoulders, share your burden, your feelings, your hopes and your struggles. Do not be ashamed, we are Warriors. It is time to break the cycle of living in silence. It is completely up to us to change the way people, insurance agencies and the Government sees and treats Infertility. We must share our pain no matter how painful that is. Infertility affects 1 in 8. . . That is a lot people struggling, a lot of broken hearts, a lot of financially broken couples. . . and so much pain that isn't necessary. Don't  Ignore Infertility, because it wont ignore you!!

If you are interested in learning more about infertility please visit Resolve.org
You can also participate in National Infertility Awareness week

 http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

14 April, 2012

Liebster Nomination!!

I received a Liebster Nomination from Alexis at "Our Journey Through this Lovely Life" 

Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers

Thank you so much, Alexis!! You are such a strong woman - I admire your strength and spirit!! If you don't know Alexis, please stop over and say a big Hello, she recently suffered a 2nd loss after TTC with Infertility and she could always use some extra love and hugs.

I also wanted to mention that another of my blogging friends is going through a loss, she too has been TTC for quite some time, this was her first pregnancy after IUI and sadly they have been diagnosed with a Blighted Ovum, please stop over at "Home Grown Love", give Slynn some positive thoughts, hugs and as much love as you can spare, She and her DH need all the love anyone can give!

Now. . . 
On to the Leibster Nomination

Each Nominee Should:

• Choose five up and coming blogs to give the Liebster award to. 
Blogs must have less than 200 followers.
• Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them
& post the award on your blog
• List the bloggers you gave the award to with links to their sites. Leave a comment
on their blogs to let them know they have received the award. 
• Share five random facts about yourself!

5 Random facts about Me!
1. I'm naturally red headed with Freckles everywhere except my butt cheeks!
2. I'm an Aries, with Virgo rising and a Leo Moon
3. I enjoy painting, drawing and all things Art
4. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid
5. I love movies set during the 1800's :)

Ladies I would like to Nominate

Have fun everyone and have a great weekend!!


10 April, 2012

5 months already. . .

Yesterday was officially 5 months since my last miscarriage. . .

5 months already

 I feel proud of myself for being here today with a smile on my face, still pushing forward ♥

My due date would have been June 5th, which is right around the corner. I have decided to celebrate my "Little Bean" on that day. Some may call it silly, some may laugh, some may not understand, but I don't care what others think. It may have only been a 10 week pregnancy, but that was 10 weeks of my life that I believed I was going to become a mother. We saw and heard a tiny little heartbeat, there was life, and then that life was gone. I still have my sonogram pictures, pregnancy tests, and my hospital bracelet from the day I found out it was all over. I have those things tucked away in a little box and I'm going to bury them in my backyard and plant something on top of it when June 5th rolls around. We have a small tree that I literally grew from a seed, (my husband actually started the seedling) Josh found the apple blossom that dropped on the ground in our back yard, shoved it in some dirt and I took care of it for the remaining season, the summer from hell (Last year), before I knew it we had a tiny little tree growing strong. So I'm going to plant that little tree on top of my box of memories. When I look at that tree growing and changing over time, I will always remember my Little Bean and how its short life affected us so deeply. It is an Apple Blossom tree which is a beautiful tree. . . it will be perfect. I am also going to get a balloon, write a note to my " Little Bean" and send it off. It will be a way for me to say goodbye, to get some closure, to put my mind at peace and to finally let go. I have learned to be more at peace since the loss, but there are still days where I am brought to tears.

I really thought I'd be pregnant by now, I thought the IUI in March was going to work. . . I have been dealing with my anger lately and it has been difficult at times, but overall I think it is good for me - I hope it is making me stronger.

I have to admit that I am enjoying our little break more and more each day. I got the greatest feeling on the day my period came when I called Coral and she said "Enjoy the month off without having to call us", I felt like jumping for joy. You mean we can have a normal sex life??? No timed intercourse??? No peeing on sticks every morning??? No 2ww - Sign me up!!! I really needed this month break. . . more than I cared to admit in the beginning. I bought myself a bottle of Pinot Noir and it was amaaaaaaazing, it felt good to relax and let loose.

I'm still a bit frustrated that IUI #2 failed. At the same time. . . I am so very grateful that we are going to try again in May!! We've missed out on our 2012 Baby, *sigh* I was soooo hoping for a 2012 baby, I really was, lol. I used to get nervous thinking "What if the world really does end and I never get the chance to become a mother" Stupid I know, but when you're infertile crazy things like that will run through your mind at any given moment. It looks like we'll be set for an early February baby if IUI #3 works in May. .  *fingers crossed*

In the mean time. . . 
I've been keeping myself distracted by painting, taking pictures and playing with instagram.

I hope everyone has a Fabulous week!!


01 April, 2012

April Fools Day 2012

AF arrived today - Happy April fools Day, sorry your IUI failed. Haha :)

April first is never really a great day for me or at least it hasn't proven so over the last few years lol. Last year I remember going in on April 1st, it was CD 3 and my first baseline for what was supposed to be my first IUI, I felt on top of the world, only we found a huge cyst on my left ovary, so that threw a major roadblock in our path and I was crushed in an instant. it did lead to my surgery which was a blessing in disguise, I guess.

I'm going to call the fertility office in the morning and let my Doctor know that my period arrived and see if she has any suggestions for this month, or just let her know we're taking a month break :) I already feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off me, and I feel good about not doing anything this month!! I need a girls night out on the town, and not being on meds or having to time things will make a night out much more enjoyable, plus getting to have an normal sex life for a month sounds pretty amazing - no stress, is my kinda thing!!

We ripped out the carpet in our back living room today and if felt great!! I feel as thought I released a lot of residual anger from this failed cycle, Plus the Pnut and I make a great team ♥ Have a Great week everyone!!

After ripping the carpet out I needed yet another project to keep me occupied, so I made a slide show video form our Vegas trip pictures!!


30 March, 2012

Beta Results for IUI #2

Thank you to everyone for the amazing support, comments, advice, sweet thoughts, crossed fingers, positive vibes and hugs that were sent my way - You all truly helped me get through this week of *infertility torture* - Thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥

Since the *faint line* catastrophe, I've been living on the edge of my emotions, and my poor Pnut has been hiding in my shadows trying to avoid the *Crito Craziness* It has not been fun, nor easy, but I'm glad to get off this ride, at least for now.

Beta was Negative

I feel a huge amount of sadness, frustration, anger and best of all, relief!!!


The last few days have been emotionally torturous. Yes I know that sounds extremely dramatic, but it is the freaking truth. . . and anyone on the "IF" journey can attest to what I'm talking about. Waiting is draining. Investing your money and emotions is draining. Having it not work in the end is even more draining. Infertility alone is draining. Uggggg.

AF has not officially arrived, so I do not yet know where we go from here. We most likely won't be doing treatment for April since my left side is about as useful as a shredded up dollar bill. I will call the Fertility office when AF arrives and Dr. Laura and I will come up with a plan of action. I feel angry that this IUI didn't work, I feel like we put so much into it, errrrr. . . But I feel grateful that we will hopefully be able to do it again soon. The next time I will request a a trigger shot so that there is absolutely no confusion about my LH Surge, it will make me feel a lot better. I will also never buy the Walgreens brand blue dye/pregnancy tests... I will admit that if felt kinda nice to *think* I was pregnant for a day. Oh well. . . I'm going to enjoy April and try to not be such a hermit, I'm also going to have a huge glass of wine tonight, because not only do I deserve it, I need it more than you know.

Have a fabulous weekend everyone, and I promise to catch up on everyone's blogs, I've been a bad blogger and got behind this week. I plan to catch up on Sunday

Beta Vlog!!


29 March, 2012

Bummer - It was negative

**Update** Beta is set for 9:15 Friday morning.

I tested this morning after only sleeping for about 5 hours and it was negative :|

(insert the curse words of your choice here _____________ <---They've already been said)

I'm just going to wait until Sat or Sunday and test again. Maybe my initial gut feeling was right, maybe I'm just not pregnant, maybe others were right when they said the blue dye pregnancy tests are just evil and mock woman in their most desperate moments; stupid little faint line. Who knows?!?!

I've decided to *try* and be at peace with whatever the outcome is. There is nothing I can do at this point to change anything. *sigh* It is what it is

If it is negative this weekend then we'll just wait for AF, and try again in May. I can enjoy a hormone-free April :) I have to look at it positively, or else I'm going to lose my mind, lol and I don't have time for that crap. I feel a bit frustrated, but nothing like I did the other day. Thanks for all the super sweet comments. I was feeling down after taking the test and driving to work this morning, but seeing all your comments lifted my spirits a bit more and gave me a tiny boost in the "hope" department - Thanks everyone.

Have a great day everyone!!

28 March, 2012

Humm... not too sure!

First off - Thank you all sooooo much for all the supportive and positive comments you left on my page yesterday and today. It means so much to me! I hate to be negative, but I had to get it out yesterday!!

Today is CD 26 and I am 12DPIUI

After my emotional freakout yesterday I decided I would test this morning after Josh went to work. And I did. I got a super, super faint line, so faint you can barely tell that it is there, so faint I feel like my brain might have made it up.

This pic is not the best, but it was the only one to actually show this *line* I speak of!

I'm obviously not convinced that it is a necessarily a positive test, so I'm definitely going to test again in the morning to see if it shows up again... OMG, omg, omg... I'm totally freaking out here. Please don't' let this be an Evap line, please, oh please don't let this be a joke. . .



27 March, 2012


The 2ww is not over and I've already lost my mind.

I feel totally un-pregnant :|

Not a single sore boob, nausea or anything. Uggggg Last time my body just knew, I felt so much at first... Right now all I feel is depressed and I'm crying and I feel frustrated... pretty sure it didn't work, I feel nothing except emotion.

I will test in a few days... I'm 11DPIUI and on CD 25.
I hate these feelings. Last time I felt everything, maybe I did mess up the timing. Fuck me. I want to pull my effing hair out... *pulls hair out* *stomps foot*.

I'm so afraid of a negative test... All I can think is - there goes another chunk of money and crap we have to wait another month before we can try again.

What ever will be, will be...

Sorry for my rant - I'm sure will feel like a jack-ass if I am pregnant. *sigh*

21 March, 2012

March - ICLW

March ICLW

I would like to welcome everyone to "The Redhead Files" and I would also like to say Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by my little corner of the Internets :)

My name is Crystal otherwise known as "The Redhead" and I married Josh aka - The Pnut in 2003. We are High-school sweethearts and we'll celebrate 14 years together on May 1st and 9 year of marriage on May 24th!!

We totally rock ♥

The Pnut and I have been trying to get knocked up and stay knocked up for the last 7 years. We have spent 5 years trying on our own with no success and 2 years of seeing a doctor for Infertility. I suffer from repeat pregnancy loss & Stage IV Endometriosis, which is why I'm an "Infertile" - lol.

Currently I'm in a 2WW - Eeek!!!

This was our first "try" since my 3rd miscarriage in November, 2011. We decided to take my Doctor's advice and wait the appropriate 3 months to let my body heal, and let my heart heal. We were going to try last month, but my Endo got in the way and prevented us from proceeding with IUI # 2, we of course tried on our own, but were unsuccessful - no surprise there! We did IUI#2 on March 16th, 2012 and now we're waiting to see if it worked!!

♥ Fingers Crossed ♥