28 December, 2011

Made it through in one piece!

The Holiday's are almost over and I seriously couldn't be more happy!

I managed to make it through Christmas in one piece :) There were a few moments when sadness sneaked up on me, but I didn't let it hang out for too long! I spent the time staying busy cleaning, baking, hanging out with my Pnut, and hosting a Christmas party for our Friends... I'm glad it's all coming to an end :)

The most difficult thing was probably getting a text from my friend Linda, telling me she's having a girl. Linda and I got pregnant at the same time in September. This will be her third, and she's a week ahead of where I would have been right now. . . That part makes me sad, I can't go see her either... it's just too hard for me to go around her right now. I know she understands, but it still makes me feel like a big baby. Errr. By now we would have been able to find out the sex. *sigh* Would it have been a little boy, a sweet faced girl??? We'll never know. My heart still hurts for the loss of our Little Bean. . . I catch myself daydreaming about what would have been, what it would have felt like to have a tiny human inside of me, what it would have been like to see that baby's face for the first time, to gaze upon its face and cry tears of pure joy... Ugggg. Rest in Peace little Bean - you will never leave my heart!

I must admit I've felt less angry... I have been secretly obsessing and fantasizing about February!! I'm excited to do another IUI... Ahhh it's driving my brain crazy waiting. I would do it right this very instant if I could, but time will hopefully give us the best chances of a successful conception.

We leave for Vegas in in about 2 1/2 weeks! Eeeeek!

Christmas treats for all ♥

My super sweet Pnut, and I made Christmas treats for everyone this year!!

We are saving all of our funds for Vegas and Fertility costs, so our Christmas gift to our families,were sweet yummy things!! Hanging around the house all day with my husband making yummy things was quite a lot of fun - We make a good team ♥


Pepermint Oreo Cookie Balls

Perpermint Oreo Cookie Balls = Yumminess
(and of course you must have a glass of wine to go with)


18 December, 2011

Time is moving again!

I'm completely done with my HCG monitoring. . . So no more unnecessary trips to the Fertility office *Happy Dance* Yay!! I will miss seeing them over the next few months, however I will not miss the sinking feeling I get every time I pull into that parking garage. I've cried so many times in that garage, it is not even funny.

AF finally arrived this and what a relief. It totally explains why I've felt so depressed, and crappy the last few weeks.I started Birth-Control today, Ugggg. It always makes me laugh when I have to be put on it. I mean seriously, I'm infertile, and your putting me on medication so I don't get pregnant. Hahaha. I'm only taking BC to try and keep my Endometriosis at bay until we do IUI # 2.

And. . . If all goes well we should be able to do our 2nd IUI the second week in February.


I'm excited, scared, nervous, hopeful, and ready. We will not be telling anyone when we do it, it will be our secret. . . I will share the journey with my blog peep's, but that is as far as it will go. If you happen to read my blog, and you are family or a close friend ---> Keep your lips sealed and wish us luck, because we'll definitely need all the luck and sticky dust you could possibly give ♥

12 December, 2011

I hate feeling angry.

Grief is the most arduous, exhausting, gut wrenching, heartbreaking emotional work that you will most likely ever do. It takes so much energy. Know that you are strong as you cry, as you wail, as you collapse from the weight of the sorrow. Know you are strong as you face your feelings and hold onto the love that whispers through your soul. Although you don't feel brave, know that you are courageous and strong in your brokenness.

I found the above quote on my Facebook status feed today and it really hit a nerve... It really is the truth.

It has officially been a month since my hopes of motherhood completely collapsed. I cry less and less, but still have moments of tearful sadness. I find that I feel pissed off more than anything. How unfair. . . how unfair that there are no answers as to why this happened, how unfair I have to wait for another miscarriage to find out if I have lupus or Antiphospholipid syndrome, or something else. . . Or maybe next time things will go great and I'll never have to feel this type of loss again. Who knows - It all just makes me mad, I guess this is one of the stages of the grieving process. I'll be glad when this passes.

My Father In-law and I were talking through email and I said "This is a lonely type of grief to go through" and I mean it. . .

At times I feel like it never happened, as if I dreamed it all up. No one sends cards, or flowers to tell you they are sorry for you loss, most do not acknowledge what has happened because they are probably afraid to bring it up. I'm not expecting a pity party, or everyone to feel sorry for me, or even for people to feel obligated to talk to me about it. It just makes me a kind of sad that I feel so alone in this. I hate it. I hate it with every ounce of my being. I hate that there is a huge hole inside of my chest. It is painful, yet invisible to the world. I want to talk about my miscarriage, yet I feel afraid to bring it up. Even my closest friends do not really ask how I'm doing. I see them, we talk and catch up on what's going on in each others lives, we laugh, we talk about everything, except that. No one really asks "Hey how are you doing" or "Do you need to talk". . . Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. It is very lonely walking down this road I'm on. I do not wish it upon anyone. I love my friends, and I know they love me with all their hearts, and in time maybe they will ask me about it; so I can share my deepest sorrow with them. It is not really okay until you cry it out with your friends, and I really haven't done that. Everything feels so heavy in my heart. . . the right time will come. Evey ones lives are busy. . . So I'm not angry at them, it is just hard sometimes, hard holding it in, and hard carrying around the weight of it. In all honestly I'm doing a whole hell of a lot better, if I could just stop feeling so angry inside...

Today I had to go in for labs at the Fertility office, again :| This is hopefully the last one I'll have to do. Since the miscarriage I've had to go in once a week so they can monitor my HCG levels, and make sure they go down to 0. Last time they were at a 2, so hopefully this was my last visit.

Each time I have to go in for the labs it just reminds me of the awfulness that transpired. The awfulness that ruined my favorite month. The awfulness that breaks my heart. It brings back memories, and puts me in a crabby mood; hence the crabby post. I really hope today was the last lab. I'm currently waiting on AF, then I'm supposed to start Birth Control until we are ready to do out next IUI in hopes that my Endo doesn't go crazy. I hope the next few months pass by quickly :)

11 December, 2011

Did someone say Vegas?!?

Sooo. . . The hub's and I are flying to Vegas in January!!! OMG, Omg, omg.

In the 13 years that Josh and I have been together, we've never, ever flown on a plane together. Josh is not big on flying, and most of our trips have all been between here and Louisiana, sooo yea. . . Did I mention that we fly out on Friday the 13th??? Hahahah.

My best friend (since before we had boobs) Anna is marrying her long time boyfriend of the past 7 years! I'm so excited for her *sigh*

She will be an Amazing Bride - I can't wait!!

We are booked at Ballys which is next to the Paris Hotel and across from the Bellagio. Eeeeek!! The picture below shows where we'll be staying. . . right in the heart of Vegas ♥ *happy dance*

All I can say is. . . This is going to be a fabulous celebration of true Love, and a Great way to start off the New Year.

Neat - My first blog award!

I received my very first Blog award from----> Our Journey through this Lovely Life

Alexis - Thank You so much!
You made me smile and made my day. I feel so excited to receive this award, and to know that people actually read my ramblings - Thanks so very much!!

Similar to the Liebster Blog Award, certain rules also apply in receiving this award:

* Thank the person who passed the award on to you.
* List 7 things that people may not know about you.
* Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and don't forget to notify them as well.

About Me

I am a natural redhead with lots of freckles
I was born in Fort Worth, Texas
I love the color Turquoise or any sort of teal/aqua shade
My favorite month is October
I am an Aries 7, with Virgo rising and a Leo Moon
I Harry Potter
My favorite comfort food is Chicken and Rice with all tha fixin's


I have given Awards to these lovely Blogs! If I listed you here it is because I have greatly enjoyed reading your blog through the year, and secretly you have helped me on my own journey - Thank you all so much and best of luck to each of you ♥

Finding Joy in the Journey
I believe in Miracles
No Longer Broken
Trying for A Baby
Mission: Fertile Soul