13 November, 2011

Things can only get better from here

Thursday night Josh and I went to Luby's for dinner with Josh's Parents, Jen, Wook, Miranda Jane and Mawmaw - it was her Birthday. It was too soon to be out in the company of people, even family. After quickly eating I looked at Josh and gave him the *look*, he didn't even have to ask, he just looked up and said "Well, we're going to go ahead and head home" Everyone seemed surprised that we were leaving, but I couldn't explain, I was trying so hard not to just break down and be a tearful mess :( So we just hugged and left. I cried all the way home. . . I knew I should have just stayed home. . . but I tried, and that's all that really matters. I know they understand. I am going to visit Mawmaw and Sheila on Tuesday this coming week. . . It will be much easier then.

I have text my closest friends, and avoided answering the phone for anyone. . . It seems that everyone wants to talk to me about it, but I'm just not ready. I will be in time, just not yet. This blog is a huge help for me. It's very therapeutic, and I'm thankful to have an outlet for my thoughts, during a time when I am unable to speak. . .

A part of me feels bad for shutting everyone out, but it's what I must do to get through this for now. I hope any Friends reading this understands. I have to grieve in my own way, and unfortunently I'm one of those peope who shuts other out. lol. It is only temporary, if you know me well enough, then you understand :)

I went back to work Friday for the evening shift. Getting myself ready was the hardest thing in the world to do. I literally cried for an hour while getting ready, cried on my way to work, and even made a few trips to the bathroom to secretly cry while at work, thank goodness it was busy. By the end of the night, I was starting to feel stronger, except that as soon as I got in my car to leave I bawled like a baby. When I came in that day, I could tell that Kathy wanted to hug me, and say something, but she held back. She knows me well enough to know I would have cried... and I was thankful she didn't say anything. No one asked me anything, and that made all the difference. I'm okay until I have to explain it or talk about it, that's when the tears start falling, I don't even have to be in a tragic state. One minute I'm fine, and then Bam! A single thought in my head, or word mentioned and I'm a mess. My second day of work was much easier. I guess it is probably best that I went back to work. - You have to get back in the routine of things sooner or later.

I thought I would make it a whole day without crying yesterday, but like clockwork, as soon as Josh went to bed, I became overwhelmed with my emotions, and broke down. . . I told him that when I cry like that, it feels like my entire body is crying. My soul feels very broken. I feel like I do not know who I am anymore. . . I am infertile, but who am I?

I'm going to plan a girls night out very soon! I need to have fun, and not feel bad for it. I need to have a drink. . . a good strong drink. . . I need to feel like me again. I need to laugh, like a really good laugh and not a pretend laugh.

I have 3 months until we start this all over again. The IUI that is... at least we think around that time :)

I have 3 months to find who I am again, to lose the 15 pounds that I've gained over the last few months, heal my heart as best as I can, and to let my body heal. So that when we do, do this again I'm healthy and ready!

A huge part of me is so afraid to do this again, and have the same outcome. But I will take the risk, and it will take everything within me to be strong enough. . . I want this morning than anything I've ever wanted, so I like I said. . . will take that risk. . . even if it hurts me in the end.

3 months seems like forever, but I know in time, I will be me again. . . I will find myself. And, I will be full of excitement when March rolls around. . . Right now it feels impossible, but all is not lost. I have hope buried deep inside. . . Monday I am going to start things off differently. I will not allow myself to continue eating this misery by the spoonful. I am going to start working out again at the rec, I'm going to clean my house, and I'm going to start working on homemade Christmas Gifts. I will not let myself be consumed by depression this holiday season. . . Thanksgiving is a little less than 2weeks away damn it, and I'm going to be happy!


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