09 November, 2011

Rest in Peace, My Little Bean...

There is much sadness in my heart. . .

To my friends that knew from the beginning, and to the ones who didn't have a clue. . .

After 6 years of trying to put a bun in my oven, and finally getting pregnant on our first IUI in September, I am sad to say that I have miscarried my little bean. Its tiny little heart wasn't strong enough and stopped beating at about 9 weeks, I was 10 weeks on Tuesday. . . It seems unfair that this journey has had to end so soon :| I'm having a bunch of blood work done, they took 8 vials today. . . Part of me prays that there is nothing found, that maybe this was just an unlucky chromosomal match-up, and there is also a part of me that wishes for an answer. Why does this keeps happening?


I will never forget the excitement I felt for that tiny life, the excitement in Josh's eyes the first time we saw that little heartbeat, the dreams I had, the feeling of pure happiness. . . I was dancing on cloud 9, and over the moon in love with the idea that Josh and I were finally going to have a little Baby Bernard. We've tried for so long, and been disappointed so many times, that we really thought this was going to be our time, but it truly wasn't meant to be, at least not this time around. We've decided that we'll try again sometime in Feb or March, after my body, and mind have had time to heal. The fact that I even got pregnant was a miracle, so that gives me hope for the future.

Yes, It sucks! It fucking sucks more than my words could possibly explain. . . I will not be able to forget this pain, the emotional or physical. I will have to let it become apart of me, they say it will make me stronger. . . Why is that so hard to believe?

I just need to find my big girl panties, put them on, dust my self off, keep a tissue in my pocket for tears, and keep my head up. I have to remember that above all else. . .

For now I'm going to pour myself a glass of red wine, curl up with my heating pad, a Harry Potter Movie, my Roxy, and call it a night.


  1. During the darkest indigo midnight, yet will countless stars blossom. ~Dr. SunWolf

    ...this made me think of you.


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