***Warning*** This post contains info that is probably *TMI* for most.
I have cried, I have sobbed. . . uncontrollably at times. It's therapeutic, really it is. I feel angry, guilty, relieved and I feel a deep sorrow that aches throughout my entire body. I truly thought this was going to be it! The next chapter of our life unfolding before us. I thought for sure after all this time, finally getting pregnant, on the first IUI, that there was no looking back and I was so happy to be pregnant. . . I told Josh that - I guess was so excited about finally getting pregnant that I didn't even think about miscarriage, until that sonogram. I feel angry that it is over, yet I'm beginning to accept it with a certain peace. I want to try again!! I want what we almost had. I know that through this deep struggle, something good must eventually happen - right? I know that I have lost a part of me, that will never be a part of me again. Today I am okay with that. . . yesterday I wasn't, and tomorrow I might not be, but today I am. One day at a time!
This my story about having a miscarriage, it's not pretty, it's not what most people want to hear. It's probably not the most exciting post, nor is it the happiest post, but it's my story to share and I can't let this stay inside of me.
We went in for our sonogram appointment on Monday the 7th, and were unable to find a fetal heartbeat :( The last time we saw it, it was 63 bpm :(
If Josh had not been with me, I may have had to crawl out of that appointment dragging my heart behind me on the floor.
I laid there on the bed looking at the screen with a heavy sadness in my heart, because I could tell instantly that it was bad news. Tears began to stream down my face as I started to realize it was really over. Josh stood up quietly at the sight of my tears, and put his hand on my shoulder.
We were both speechless and brokenhearted to say the least.
Dr. Laura scheduled another ultrasound with Radiology to make 100% sure that things were over before taking any sort of action. *Great, I have to do this all over again*. I asked for the latest time available, because I wanted to go home and hide from the world. I didn't want to be sitting in another waiting room sobbing for the world to see.
Before we left the Fertility office, we sat in Dr. Laura's consult room (the room I've come to despise) and discussed options. Talk about depressing. *Uggg* Our options were to wait and have a natural m/c(which could take up to a month), take the tablets to induce the m/c, or have a D&C. We discussed each option in depth, and decided that a D&C was not for us. I've had it before, and having Stage IV Endo we didn't want any scarring or adhesion's to form inside my uterus. I'm make adhesion's really easily, which sucks. So that would be even more devastating to cause more damage. So I opted for the med's, and made an appointment for Tuesday to receive the tablets vaginally. Uggg.
We drove home from the Fertility office, and I cried the whole way there. The sky was cloudy, and matched my internal struggle perfectly. Josh just kept his hand resting on my leg, while I cried and he drove. He did not say much about how he was feeling, but I know it was difficult for him as well, he was very quiet. He asked if I wanted him to come with me to the next appointment, I said No. I really knew deep inside that he too, needed his time. I did not want to make him go through it all over again. What was the point?!? Our baby was no more :( I also needed to be alone with myself, I needed to be free to cry with no one having to see me, or feel sad for me, or pity me. We would have our time together later.
I drove to the second ultrasound appointment. Many tears fell as I drove in silence. I didn't know I could cry that much in such a short period of time. The ultrasound Tech was extremely gentle, soft spoken, and kind to me. I appreciated that. I can't imagine having her job :| I wasn't able to see what she was doing, but when I got dressed I looked at the screen my heart sank deep into my chest. There it was, my little bean sitting so still inside of my body, frozen there in time, and in my mind forever. It's little heartbeat was just a memory now, it was over. . .
It was the final blow, the final straw, the final stab in my heart.
I feel like all this has left a gaping hole that only I can see, and feel.
I waited and did not tell anyone until after that last ultrasound. . . I made the call to my Grandmother. Sheila called while we were leaving the 1st appointment, and I could barely get words out. I called my boss while I was leaving the last appointment *sigh* I just stood in the parking garage crying, starring out into the cloudy sky. In some strange way it was quite beautiful. I could have stood there all night, I could have been my own weeping willow.
What a sad mess I was. Reality was settling in, and if felt horrible. I felt guilty as if it was my fault, as if I caused it in some way. I also felt relief. The last month had been filled with long days of uncertainty. I was stuck in time, I feel like my life kinda paused the day we heard that heartbeat of only 65 bmp... I've been sitting on egg shells waiting for something to change, and now we have an answer, an outcome. Maybe not the one we wanted, but there was finally and end in sight. So Yes, in some way I felt relief.
I drove to pick up my tablets so I could take them to my appointment the next day. When I got to the pharmacy, the tech was pretty busy and just sorta yelled out "I'll be right with you", the other tech got my info and prescription, handed it to her, and she again yelled out across the pharmacy "Are you pregnant"? I stood there in disbelief. . . Did she really just ask me that? Am I not picking up medication to induce a fucking miscarriage???? How insensitive. I answered back "Well, I was" in the most miserable voice, with a line of people behind me. I seriously could have reached over that counter and slapped the shit right out of that woman.
I finally made it home. I was exhausted. I had no appetite. I was numb, yet tears managed to still fall from my face. . . my body still shook with each sob. I was angry. The pain within my heart is bigger than myself, and I don't know exactly what to do with that, other than write it out.
The next morning I woke up, went to the bathroom, and realized I already started to bleed. I called, and canceled my appointment for the day :( I guess my mind finally started to accept what was happening, and allowed my body to start doing its part. The bleeding didn't last long... By mid day it stopped, so I called the office and asked if I could go ahead and insert the med's myself. I guess most woman feel squeamish about doing it their self, so she repeatedly asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. I was sure. I went to the store and bought a heating pad, because I ours was MIA, got a huge bottle of water, and bag of peppermint Hershey kisses - I ate the entire bag :(
I was afraid of what it would be like, and if I would be able to handle the pain, I prayed that the medication worked so this wouldn't be drawn out any longer, because I was worried about going to work, and that I wouldn't have to have the D&C if nothing happened.
I made a little nest around the couch with everything I could possibly need. . . I placed the medication, and within 1 hour the cramping started. By the second hour my uterus was contacting, and causing me a great deal of pain. After several hours of intense pain, and trips to the bathroom, I finally dragged myself into the bedroom with my heating pad. I tossed and turned, rocked, and cried myself to sleep. I woke up on Wednesday, and felt the same. I had very intense cramping so much so that I had to sit on the toilet, because I was bleeding a lot. . . It was pretty intense. Dr. Laura warned that I would pass "tissue" meaning the products of conception, the placenta, sac, everything. . .
And I did. I passed everything. I saw everything. . . I will never forget those images, ever. For a moment I thought "Should I bury this"? I felt that flushing everything was so cut and dry, so sad. . . I felt confused, I didn't really know how I'd feel seeing it all. You may ask why I looked, or even held it in my hand, but I don't know why. . . I just had too, it was a part of me, I felt that I had to see it to move on from it. some parts alone we almost as long as my hand. It was an odd, and somewhat traumatizing experience. After that, the intensity of the cramping had subsided more and more. I'm now having what some would call the most extreme period, ever. I thought that most of the painful cramping had gone, but I was wrong.
Today I woke up at about 6:15am in the most excruciating pain. I was rocking in bed in the fetal position, crying, breathing in and out, trying to balance myself so I that I could make it out of bed long enough to find pain relief. I made my way to the computer room to find my my 800mg ibuprofen. I grabbed the heating pad on my way back, curled up in my bed, and cried; not out of sadness, but out of pain. I contemplated calling my doctor, but after 2 hours the pain started to calm down, and I was able to fall back to sleep for a little bit. I felt like my entire uterus was about to fall out of my body, everything hurt. I don't even know how to explain it :| I could feel the pain building up, and so all I could do was breath my way through it.
Josh keeps reminding me that I am going to be an even stronger person after this. He is so strong for me. . . I He keeps me laughing, makes me smile, and let's me be, and feel how I need to feel or be :) I hope I never have to go through this again :|
We always take pictures of our selves when we are our happiest. . . I'm sure it seems morbid to some, and of maybe of bad taste to post pictures of you in your saddest moments. While sobbing in my room, listening to my itouch; Donnie Darko - Mad World started playing. I walked over to to change it, because that song was driving the tears right out of me, because in that moment I did not need anything else to make me cry, lol. I waked over, and the itouch was on camera setting, so there I was on the screen, looking all sorts of brokenhearted in my moment of misery. I looked at myself, red nose, puffy eyes, tears quietly streaming down my face, and hair all a mess; I felt compelled to take a few pictures of myself at my absolute lowest. Of course, I will never forget any of this, ever. . . It will stay with me always. I will get better, and will eventually heal, but If I ever think things can't get any worse, I will look back at these pictures, and realize that I've already been through the worst.
I feel stronger after writing all this out. It's as if I've placed half of my pain elsewhere. I will be able to move forward, even if it's only an inch a day :)