27 November, 2011

On the mend!

I find myself quite amazed at how quickly the human heart begins to mend its self.

I'm beginning to feel more, and more like myself again. I will forever, and always be changed by the experience of losing a baby, but miraculously I'm still Me, and that makes me smile each day ♥

Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since we learned our little Bean's heart stopped beating, and Wednesday marks 3 weeks since I had the miscarriage :| Tomorrow, I would have been 13 weeks - those are always going to be my hard days. It feels like the pregnancy was just some oddly distorted dream that I was forced to suffer through. I cried for 2 weeks straight, everyday - no lie. Today I am smiling and tear free! I have cried only a few short tears here and there. . . so - Go Me!!! I guess you could say that last week was it for me. . . I finally had to force myself to get up, out, and be active <--Easier said than done, that's for sure.

I woke up on Monday with tears still in my eyes, I felt angry at myself for still wallowing in my own self pity. I wanted to be happy no matter the cost. I dug out my yoga pants, running shoes, charged up the Itouch, and headed out the door to the rec center only to find out they were not open until 4pm that day...Errr. I felt slightly defeated, since It was a feat to just make it out of the house. So, I went back home and decided to walk laps around my neighborhood. It was a success!! I grabbed a hoodie and was on my way. The wind was blowing in my hair, the fresh air was amazing, the sun and cloudy sky played peek-a-boo and painted a very lovely backdrop for my walk! I felt like I was one with myself. . . I have not felt that in a while.

I worked Thanksgiving morning and was off work a little after 3pm. I rushed over to my Grandma's house, then met Josh at his parents house at 5pm; Mama was in town, and cooked a lovely dinner for everyone! I did not cry at all on Thanksgiving Day :) I felt strong!! Being around family was much easier this go around. We said the blessing before eating, and Bart said something about missing those that were no longer with us, no matter if their heart beat for 93 years or just a few weeks. *sigh* it was very sweet of him to acknowledge our little Bean. I've learned that everyone handles this kind thing differently - I appreciated his kind words<3

I finally painted the front living room! It's an awesome Turquoise color! I only painted 1 wall, a few pieces of random furniture, and the front Door! Ohh and also all of my frames for that room. I'd actually been thinking about doing it for a while, but then I got pregnant that put a hold on a few "house" things. I've now decided that I want to get all the house painting done by March. That's hopefully around the time we'll get to do our 2nd IUI, so I want the house done! I'm thankful for the time, because I do our bedroom, laundry room and finally paint ALL the baseboards. I will post a better picture of the living room when it's completely done! I have to say, it's going to look pretty neat! I was a little inspired by the website Pinterest :) It is really good for me to have these house projects right now, because it will make the next few months go by fast :) Heck Thanksgiving's over, Christmas is right around the corner. . . Then it's a Happy New Year, one that I'm looking forward to. To be quite honest 2011 - Sucked Ass!!


20 November, 2011

Sometimes, I'm an Artist.

Art will always mend the soul, and set free the mind

The Redhead


18 November, 2011


I have cried everyday for the last 12 days. . .

I manage to not cry much in front of Josh, or at work, but when I am alone. . . I feel lost in my own tearful sea of sadness. I have sobbed deeply over something so small, so wondrous, and something so hoped for. . .

Something that was ours for just a tiny moment :|


This really hurts.

13 November, 2011

Things can only get better from here

Thursday night Josh and I went to Luby's for dinner with Josh's Parents, Jen, Wook, Miranda Jane and Mawmaw - it was her Birthday. It was too soon to be out in the company of people, even family. After quickly eating I looked at Josh and gave him the *look*, he didn't even have to ask, he just looked up and said "Well, we're going to go ahead and head home" Everyone seemed surprised that we were leaving, but I couldn't explain, I was trying so hard not to just break down and be a tearful mess :( So we just hugged and left. I cried all the way home. . . I knew I should have just stayed home. . . but I tried, and that's all that really matters. I know they understand. I am going to visit Mawmaw and Sheila on Tuesday this coming week. . . It will be much easier then.

I have text my closest friends, and avoided answering the phone for anyone. . . It seems that everyone wants to talk to me about it, but I'm just not ready. I will be in time, just not yet. This blog is a huge help for me. It's very therapeutic, and I'm thankful to have an outlet for my thoughts, during a time when I am unable to speak. . .

A part of me feels bad for shutting everyone out, but it's what I must do to get through this for now. I hope any Friends reading this understands. I have to grieve in my own way, and unfortunently I'm one of those peope who shuts other out. lol. It is only temporary, if you know me well enough, then you understand :)

I went back to work Friday for the evening shift. Getting myself ready was the hardest thing in the world to do. I literally cried for an hour while getting ready, cried on my way to work, and even made a few trips to the bathroom to secretly cry while at work, thank goodness it was busy. By the end of the night, I was starting to feel stronger, except that as soon as I got in my car to leave I bawled like a baby. When I came in that day, I could tell that Kathy wanted to hug me, and say something, but she held back. She knows me well enough to know I would have cried... and I was thankful she didn't say anything. No one asked me anything, and that made all the difference. I'm okay until I have to explain it or talk about it, that's when the tears start falling, I don't even have to be in a tragic state. One minute I'm fine, and then Bam! A single thought in my head, or word mentioned and I'm a mess. My second day of work was much easier. I guess it is probably best that I went back to work. - You have to get back in the routine of things sooner or later.

I thought I would make it a whole day without crying yesterday, but like clockwork, as soon as Josh went to bed, I became overwhelmed with my emotions, and broke down. . . I told him that when I cry like that, it feels like my entire body is crying. My soul feels very broken. I feel like I do not know who I am anymore. . . I am infertile, but who am I?

I'm going to plan a girls night out very soon! I need to have fun, and not feel bad for it. I need to have a drink. . . a good strong drink. . . I need to feel like me again. I need to laugh, like a really good laugh and not a pretend laugh.

I have 3 months until we start this all over again. The IUI that is... at least we think around that time :)

I have 3 months to find who I am again, to lose the 15 pounds that I've gained over the last few months, heal my heart as best as I can, and to let my body heal. So that when we do, do this again I'm healthy and ready!

A huge part of me is so afraid to do this again, and have the same outcome. But I will take the risk, and it will take everything within me to be strong enough. . . I want this morning than anything I've ever wanted, so I like I said. . . will take that risk. . . even if it hurts me in the end.

3 months seems like forever, but I know in time, I will be me again. . . I will find myself. And, I will be full of excitement when March rolls around. . . Right now it feels impossible, but all is not lost. I have hope buried deep inside. . . Monday I am going to start things off differently. I will not allow myself to continue eating this misery by the spoonful. I am going to start working out again at the rec, I'm going to clean my house, and I'm going to start working on homemade Christmas Gifts. I will not let myself be consumed by depression this holiday season. . . Thanksgiving is a little less than 2weeks away damn it, and I'm going to be happy!


Miscarriage = A broken heart

***Warning*** This post contains info that is probably *TMI* for most.

I have cried, I have sobbed. . . uncontrollably at times. It's therapeutic, really it is. I feel angry, guilty, relieved and I feel a deep sorrow that aches throughout my entire body. I truly thought this was going to be it! The next chapter of our life unfolding before us. I thought for sure after all this time, finally getting pregnant, on the first IUI, that there was no looking back and I was so happy to be pregnant. . . I told Josh that - I guess was so excited about finally getting pregnant that I didn't even think about miscarriage, until that sonogram. I feel angry that it is over, yet I'm beginning to accept it with a certain peace. I want to try again!! I want what we almost had. I know that through this deep struggle, something good must eventually happen - right? I know that I have lost a part of me, that will never be a part of me again. Today I am okay with that. . . yesterday I wasn't, and tomorrow I might not be, but today I am. One day at a time!

This my story about having a miscarriage, it's not pretty, it's not what most people want to hear. It's probably not the most exciting post, nor is it the happiest post, but it's my story to share and I can't let this stay inside of me.

We went in for our sonogram appointment on Monday the 7th, and were unable to find a fetal heartbeat :( The last time we saw it, it was 63 bpm :(

If Josh had not been with me, I may have had to crawl out of that appointment dragging my heart behind me on the floor.
I laid there on the bed looking at the screen with a heavy sadness in my heart, because I could tell instantly that it was bad news. Tears began to stream down my face as I started to realize it was really over. Josh stood up quietly at the sight of my tears, and put his hand on my shoulder.

We were both speechless and brokenhearted to say the least.

Dr. Laura scheduled another ultrasound with Radiology to make 100% sure that things were over before taking any sort of action. *Great, I have to do this all over again*. I asked for the latest time available, because I wanted to go home and hide from the world. I didn't want to be sitting in another waiting room sobbing for the world to see.

Before we left the Fertility office, we sat in Dr. Laura's consult room (the room I've come to despise) and discussed options. Talk about depressing. *Uggg* Our options were to wait and have a natural m/c(which could take up to a month), take the tablets to induce the m/c, or have a D&C. We discussed each option in depth, and decided that a D&C was not for us. I've had it before, and having Stage IV Endo we didn't want any scarring or adhesion's to form inside my uterus. I'm make adhesion's really easily, which sucks. So that would be even more devastating to cause more damage. So I opted for the med's, and made an appointment for Tuesday to receive the tablets vaginally. Uggg.

We drove home from the Fertility office, and I cried the whole way there. The sky was cloudy, and matched my internal struggle perfectly. Josh just kept his hand resting on my leg, while I cried and he drove. He did not say much about how he was feeling, but I know it was difficult for him as well, he was very quiet. He asked if I wanted him to come with me to the next appointment, I said No. I really knew deep inside that he too, needed his time. I did not want to make him go through it all over again. What was the point?!? Our baby was no more :( I also needed to be alone with myself, I needed to be free to cry with no one having to see me, or feel sad for me, or pity me. We would have our time together later.

I drove to the second ultrasound appointment. Many tears fell as I drove in silence. I didn't know I could cry that much in such a short period of time. The ultrasound Tech was extremely gentle, soft spoken, and kind to me. I appreciated that. I can't imagine having her job :| I wasn't able to see what she was doing, but when I got dressed I looked at the screen my heart sank deep into my chest. There it was, my little bean sitting so still inside of my body, frozen there in time, and in my mind forever. It's little heartbeat was just a memory now, it was over. . .

It was the final blow, the final straw, the final stab in my heart.

I feel like all this has left a gaping hole that only I can see, and feel.

I waited and did not tell anyone until after that last ultrasound. . . I made the call to my Grandmother. Sheila called while we were leaving the 1st appointment, and I could barely get words out. I called my boss while I was leaving the last appointment *sigh* I just stood in the parking garage crying, starring out into the cloudy sky. In some strange way it was quite beautiful. I could have stood there all night, I could have been my own weeping willow.

What a sad mess I was. Reality was settling in, and if felt horrible. I felt guilty as if it was my fault, as if I caused it in some way. I also felt relief. The last month had been filled with long days of uncertainty. I was stuck in time, I feel like my life kinda paused the day we heard that heartbeat of only 65 bmp... I've been sitting on egg shells waiting for something to change, and now we have an answer, an outcome. Maybe not the one we wanted, but there was finally and end in sight. So Yes, in some way I felt relief.

I drove to pick up my tablets so I could take them to my appointment the next day. When I got to the pharmacy, the tech was pretty busy and just sorta yelled out "I'll be right with you", the other tech got my info and prescription, handed it to her, and she again yelled out across the pharmacy "Are you pregnant"? I stood there in disbelief. . . Did she really just ask me that? Am I not picking up medication to induce a fucking miscarriage???? How insensitive. I answered back "Well, I was" in the most miserable voice, with a line of people behind me. I seriously could have reached over that counter and slapped the shit right out of that woman.

I finally made it home. I was exhausted. I had no appetite. I was numb, yet tears managed to still fall from my face. . . my body still shook with each sob. I was angry. The pain within my heart is bigger than myself, and I don't know exactly what to do with that, other than write it out.

The next morning I woke up, went to the bathroom, and realized I already started to bleed. I called, and canceled my appointment for the day :( I guess my mind finally started to accept what was happening, and allowed my body to start doing its part. The bleeding didn't last long... By mid day it stopped, so I called the office and asked if I could go ahead and insert the med's myself. I guess most woman feel squeamish about doing it their self, so she repeatedly asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. I was sure. I went to the store and bought a heating pad, because I ours was MIA, got a huge bottle of water, and bag of peppermint Hershey kisses - I ate the entire bag :(

I was afraid of what it would be like, and if I would be able to handle the pain, I prayed that the medication worked so this wouldn't be drawn out any longer, because I was worried about going to work, and that I wouldn't have to have the D&C if nothing happened.

I made a little nest around the couch with everything I could possibly need. . . I placed the medication, and within 1 hour the cramping started. By the second hour my uterus was contacting, and causing me a great deal of pain. After several hours of intense pain, and trips to the bathroom, I finally dragged myself into the bedroom with my heating pad. I tossed and turned, rocked, and cried myself to sleep. I woke up on Wednesday, and felt the same. I had very intense cramping so much so that I had to sit on the toilet, because I was bleeding a lot. . . It was pretty intense. Dr. Laura warned that I would pass "tissue" meaning the products of conception, the placenta, sac, everything. . .

And I did. I passed everything. I saw everything. . . I will never forget those images, ever. For a moment I thought "Should I bury this"? I felt that flushing everything was so cut and dry, so sad. . . I felt confused, I didn't really know how I'd feel seeing it all. You may ask why I looked, or even held it in my hand, but I don't know why. . . I just had too, it was a part of me, I felt that I had to see it to move on from it. some parts alone we almost as long as my hand. It was an odd, and somewhat traumatizing experience. After that, the intensity of the cramping had subsided more and more. I'm now having what some would call the most extreme period, ever. I thought that most of the painful cramping had gone, but I was wrong.

Today I woke up at about 6:15am in the most excruciating pain. I was rocking in bed in the fetal position, crying, breathing in and out, trying to balance myself so I that I could make it out of bed long enough to find pain relief. I made my way to the computer room to find my my 800mg ibuprofen. I grabbed the heating pad on my way back, curled up in my bed, and cried; not out of sadness, but out of pain. I contemplated calling my doctor, but after 2 hours the pain started to calm down, and I was able to fall back to sleep for a little bit. I felt like my entire uterus was about to fall out of my body, everything hurt. I don't even know how to explain it :| I could feel the pain building up, and so all I could do was breath my way through it.

Josh keeps reminding me that I am going to be an even stronger person after this. He is so strong for me. . . I love him with all my ♥ He keeps me laughing, makes me smile, and let's me be, and feel how I need to feel or be :) I hope I never have to go through this again :|

We always take pictures of our selves when we are our happiest. . . I'm sure it seems morbid to some, and of maybe of bad taste to post pictures of you in your saddest moments. While sobbing in my room, listening to my itouch; Donnie Darko - Mad World started playing. I walked over to to change it, because that song was driving the tears right out of me, because in that moment I did not need anything else to make me cry, lol. I waked over, and the itouch was on camera setting, so there I was on the screen, looking all sorts of brokenhearted in my moment of misery. I looked at myself, red nose, puffy eyes, tears quietly streaming down my face, and hair all a mess; I felt compelled to take a few pictures of myself at my absolute lowest. Of course, I will never forget any of this, ever. . . It will stay with me always. I will get better, and will eventually heal, but If I ever think things can't get any worse, I will look back at these pictures, and realize that I've already been through the worst.

I feel stronger after writing all this out. It's as if I've placed half of my pain elsewhere. I will be able to move forward, even if it's only an inch a day :)


09 November, 2011

Rest in Peace, My Little Bean...

There is much sadness in my heart. . .

To my friends that knew from the beginning, and to the ones who didn't have a clue. . .

After 6 years of trying to put a bun in my oven, and finally getting pregnant on our first IUI in September, I am sad to say that I have miscarried my little bean. Its tiny little heart wasn't strong enough and stopped beating at about 9 weeks, I was 10 weeks on Tuesday. . . It seems unfair that this journey has had to end so soon :| I'm having a bunch of blood work done, they took 8 vials today. . . Part of me prays that there is nothing found, that maybe this was just an unlucky chromosomal match-up, and there is also a part of me that wishes for an answer. Why does this keeps happening?


I will never forget the excitement I felt for that tiny life, the excitement in Josh's eyes the first time we saw that little heartbeat, the dreams I had, the feeling of pure happiness. . . I was dancing on cloud 9, and over the moon in love with the idea that Josh and I were finally going to have a little Baby Bernard. We've tried for so long, and been disappointed so many times, that we really thought this was going to be our time, but it truly wasn't meant to be, at least not this time around. We've decided that we'll try again sometime in Feb or March, after my body, and mind have had time to heal. The fact that I even got pregnant was a miracle, so that gives me hope for the future.

Yes, It sucks! It fucking sucks more than my words could possibly explain. . . I will not be able to forget this pain, the emotional or physical. I will have to let it become apart of me, they say it will make me stronger. . . Why is that so hard to believe?

I just need to find my big girl panties, put them on, dust my self off, keep a tissue in my pocket for tears, and keep my head up. I have to remember that above all else. . .

For now I'm going to pour myself a glass of red wine, curl up with my heating pad, a Harry Potter Movie, my Roxy, and call it a night.

06 November, 2011

What Earthquake?!?

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.
-Edgar Allan Poe

I love this quote... I'm loving today's weather... I didn't feel the earthquake... It is my Friday... and most of all I'm ready for tomorrow, and whatever comes with it ♥

Yes, there was an Earthquake in central Oklahoma last night at about 10:53, a 5.6 magnitude! I know it's not that big, but we're not used to that kinda stuff down south. It was felt all throughout North Texas! Meaning here in Fort Worth & Dallas, and everything in between. It was even felt all the way up to St Louis.

(*o*) <---- That's my woooOooooh face. Crazy huh?!? They say A series of quakes, the largest being a 4.8, shook the same area overnight Friday. All I can say is - I didn't feel anything, I was working <- Lame :| lol Photobucket

03 November, 2011

Monday seems far, far away. . .

Monday is the day. . .

I'm not exactly sure how I feel. I mean. . . there are hundreds of things I'm feeling, but I feel mostly numb to the situation now. I haven't given up, there is secretly a crap load of hope sitting inside of me. I feel that hope differently each day. I'm just keeping a realistic approach so that I'm not blindsided, if that makes sense.

I am proud of myself for not breaking down, and going in this week for an ultrasound. Monday, and Tuesday were very difficult. . . I wanted to call, and go in so badly, yet somehow I managed to pick up the phone, and schedule the appointment for the next week... Monday at 9:30 is the day our lives will either be crushed, or consumed with amazing joy.

I've continued to be a recluse, no answering of phone calls, and no getting out of the house to visit people, basically I've been in a depressed state of mind, I haven't done housework, laundry... absolutely nothing, but sitting around watching movies. *sigh* I told Josh if this ends badly, that I'm going to drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine or vodka. . . And, I'm not even joking. Yes, I've proabbly made this harder on myself in some peoples eyes, but explaining to everyone I see what's going on is torture, because people are going to ask, and that's not their fault. People don't really know what to say, so making it so no one has to ask is easiest, for me and everyone else.

The viability of this pregnancy is the 1st and last thought on my mind each day. Some days I feel pregnancy symptoms, some day's I do not. Some days I feel good about the situation and other days I feel hopeless. . . Monday can't come fast enough, yet I'm scared to death. . .