07 October, 2011

What a day... Make that two days.

Where do I start!?! Uggg. Yesterday was a very difficult day emotionally, today was okay, and I'm hoping for a better tomorrow.

***Warning - maybe a little TMI in the next paragraph***

Yesterday morning (wed) I had my alarm set for 5:20 to get up, get ready, and return to work from my vacation/family stuff. I woke up at 3am to pee, then again at about 4am to pee, only this time I notice blood when I wiped! I'm not talking a little spot, I'm talking bright red blood. My heart dropped out of my chest and hit the bathroom floor. I freaked out, and had a mini meltdown right there on the damned toilet. I ran into the living room crying my eyes out and sobbing like a crazy woman, I called the Fertility office, left a message with the answering service... they said she would be paged immedeatly. They were not lying either, it couldn't have been more than 3-5 minutes and Dr. Laura was on the phone, sounding as dead asleep as ever... poor thing, she really is such an awesome doctor. I wish she could be my doctor for everything. The first thing she told me was that bleeding is common, as long as you are not gushing, with blood running down your leg and filling your shoe. It doesn't mean it should be dismissed, only that it's common, or been known to happen. I described the intensity and all that junk - I wasn't having cramps, so she told me to come in for a blood draw to test my HcG levels. Dr. Laura spoke to me for a while on the phone reassuring me that for the moment I was okay, she was really honest about everything that could possibly happen. She made me feel more focused, and I started to calm down.

I called my Job and let them know that I had to go to my doctor right away, and could not be there at 7. This was my first day back :/ I did not even have a chance to tell them that I was pregnant. This wasn't the way I'd planned on telling them, but hey, shit happens.

I felt emotional and defeated. I could not believe what was happening, and I could not believe for one second that this wasn't a miscarriage. I had one before, I know what it's like... After making the necessary phone calls I stayed in the living room crying, asking "why"? And pleading through my sobbing tears "please don't let this be anything" "please let this be nothing". I asked the Gods to let me keep this happiness that has been shown to me... I cried, and cried, and said I could not live this this kind of sadness... I was desperate, I didn't want to lose what we have tried for so long to achieve. I dried my eye's as much as I could and went back to bed, Josh mumbled "are you going to work", I said "No I am going to go to the Dr. because I'm bleeding a little bit", he asked if I was okay, I said "yes" quietly, trying to remain calm. I needed to sleep. He rubbed my back softly, and didn't ask questions. I'm certain he was thinking about it, but didn't want to stress me out, because he got up a little later...it wasn't a long time, but I knew he was as worried as I was. I slept for a few hours and was off to the Fertility office with my stomach dragging on the ground behind me- I was so scared.

At the Fertility office Dr. Laura examined me, felt around and poked on my belly; she didn't want to do a sonogram, because she was afraid it would be a little too early to see the sac, and she didn't want me to get discouraged by that. I got hugs from everyone, Jenica even came into the room when Dr. Laura was done, she didn't say a word just opened the door and gave me a big hug. *sigh* I love them all... they are amazing woman with big hearts. I left the office, text my boss to say I wasn't going to make it in that I'd bring a doctors note, and keep him updated. I went home, curled up on the couch and waited for that call. Josh was very cautious with words, sweet and observant. I love him so much...

Coral called later in the day to say that my Beta was 2665!! The numbers are right where they should be. Dr. Laura gave me the option to come in on Friday morning(tomorrow)to do an ultrasound for location of the sac. I feel relieved that I will not have to wait through the weekend. I will be 5 weeks and 4 days, so that's pretty close to the 6week mark, we should hopefully be able to see something. I'll get to go back for another sonogram next Tuesday. Even if we don't see anything tomorrow! And if we do see something then we'll hopefully hear a heartbeat next Tuesday.

I have continued to spot, and bleed lightly throughout today. I feel better because it's not as bad as yesterday, but because it is still there my stomach feels nervous nonetheless... I'm not giving up hope!!!

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