26 October, 2011

Living on hope & prayers

My heart feels like it's been cracked open, my thoughts are heavy, and my mind is desperately trying to hang onto hope in any way possible.

We are living on hopes and prayers. . .

I wish I could say things are better, but they are not better, and yet. . . they are not worse.

We are stuck in a moment of time that is relentless, truthful, and raw.

Yesterday, we could barley see embryo/baby/tiny little bean... *tear* I'm still growing, but very slowly. It looks like I'm behind in growth basically by a week or so at least. We could not get a good measure of the heartbeat, or the crown to rump length. But, Josh and I both saw it. . . It was effing there. . . beating and clinging on to life for us. It was there, trying to survive. I felt so sad, knowing that it was struggling. It was still there and that's what matters to me right now.

Dr. Laura said the heartbeat seemed erratic, this measurements are off, and that it looked like the pregnancy was not going to progress much further, that I would probably miscarry within the next few weeks, or I could have a missed-miscarriage, if my body doesn't get the hint, as to what's going on. I don't go back until around the 2nd week of November... I'm going to keep praying to any, and all Gods that are listening, I will pray, and cling to my scattered hope. I really have no choice, because the odds seemed stacked against us. *sigh*

It's useless to ask - Why!?!?!? But for some reason it seems appropriate when you're crying your eyes out, and snot is running down your face.

I'm going to be honest. . . Yesterday, I didn't even expect to see a baby, or heartbeat. Our last appointment had be shaking in my boots and I thought for sure it was over. Secretly, I made peace with it, within myself, accepted, and prepared myself for the worst outcome. I was shocked to see a heartbeat. I did not cry on my way out of the office, but later in the evening I started rehashing everything she said in the office; I started to feel anxious, and cried later in the evening. . . several times. I've teared up a few times today thinking about it, or having to explain it to anyone, even though I have my hope, it still sucks ass, and makes me sad. . . Why is this happening. My hear is breaking as we speak. . .

I asked Dr. Laura many, many questions. She has to be as honest as possible, and that's the hard part for her :| She has been there with us through this whole thing, in fact everyone on staff has. They are only 4, but they are a great team of 4 woman. who feel our pain, and that creates a certain bond. I could tell she felt emotional telling us everything, I could sense that she probably could have cried herself, if she didn't have to maintain the professional composure. I asked about angles, my tilted uterus; I reaching for hope in any way possible. She agreed that there are always miracles out there, things that don't fall into the statistical realm of normal. Things happen all the time that they can't explain, or predict. The amount of Data out there, to compare stuff to is incredibly low when it comes to infertility research. From the info and scans, she leans more towards a miscarry, although that's not to say it's 100% until I actually have a miscarriage. Basically, I still have a baby, because we have a heartbeat. That is hope to me!!

I'll either start to bleed, and have a miscarriage over the next few weeks, or I'll go back in a few weeks and have a baby and a heartbeat. If we go back and see nothing, I'll have a D n C, or take the vaginal medication to induce miscarriage.

I'm not going to lie. . . I'm scared shitless. I've had a miscarriage before :( Right now I can't imagine having to do that again. I still feel all my pregnancy symptoms. Waiting this out will be torture, but I will gladly do it that means I will be privileged to carry this baby.

Yesterday, I told Josh I didn't want to do this again. . . He said I was just upset, and didn't mean it. Part of me did mean it. This pain is very deep, and hard to maintain on an everyday level. I have to admit that he is mostly right, because I always said we do it at least twice. And, we will. We will do it a second time if things do not turn out. After that we are done... Done. We would never be able to afford IVF, there is no guarantee it would even work, and I can't live life on this roller coaster. Josh has been amazing, he would do what ever I wanted, but I can't do this to him either... This has been the most painful journey to walk down, and I would not wish it upon anyone. Not even my worst enemy.

Dr. Laura offered to let us do a chromosomal test, if this ends badly. To find out if we are have a bigger problem. I really appreciate the offer. Basically we could have a problem that will never allow us to have a successful pregnancy, so rather then continue to throw money at fertility treatments, we could make a decision about our lives, begin to move on, grieve and heal... if that's even possible. It feels so unfair. I hate this feeling more than anything in the world.

I wanted to say Thank you to everyone who's said prayers, sent vibes, sent messages and sent love. I appreciate you, your support and for reading along through this crazy time. It means more than I can express with words.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry. I can definitely empathize here - we went through a week and a half of not being sure what was going on, hoping that the positive signs (rising hCG, growing sac) would outweigh the negative (low hCG levels, nothing visible). "Relentless, truthful, and raw" - you describe it perfectly. Hugs.


Leave some Luv