21 October, 2011

Hanging on by a tiny thread of emotion.

Many tears have fallen in the last 24 hours :|

**The Good**

Josh and I, went in yesterday for a sonogram to see the heartbeat! We were so excited!! We saw and heard it, our eyes were bright, and our hearts were happy and fluttering; it was probably the most amazing feeling ever *sigh*.

**The Bad**

The heartbeat was only 65 bpm, meaning very slow. It was so tiny, like a little lightning bug flashing at us... but Dr. Laura said it should be above 100. "This is concerning" she said with a very serious face. Like the morning I woke up spotting, my heart fell out of my chest once again. I couldn't even look at Josh until she left the room, because I knew the flood gates were about to open. We sat in her office, and had a very serious discussion about everything that could happen, it was the most depressing conversation I've ever had. Even though all hope is not lost, because there is a heartbeat, I felt completely defeated by the seriousness of our discussion. I was miles away, as Josh would say. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

*The Ugly** (the unstoppable emotions)

This is not good, and there is no sugar coating it. I keep trying to come up with reasons of - why, but they are not there. I'm currently begging the God's to continue smiling upon us, not to take away this dream that has landed in our laps. We have been waiting for so long, and worked so hard for where we are. I am devastated and heartbroken right now. I just don't know how to feel, I feel bad for being upset, because that's stressful to the baby, and I could cause more harm, but I'm hurting deep inside on an emotional level, and don't know how to balance out these feelings. I left the office yesterday feeling like at any minute I'll probably have a miscarriage. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread of pure emotion. I have to wait until next week to do another sono. I'm worried, yet trying to hang on to the slivers of hope floating randomly around in my head. I cried all evening last night, could not sleep at all, just tossed and turned, and have cried throughout this morning. I am trying to stay positive, I've been talking to my baby, asking it to hang on just a little longer... telling it how much I Love it, and what a cool Dad it has waiting on the outside. I feel so lost right now. I'm not ready for this to be over, the pain it too much after getting this far. *sigh* Come on Baby Bernard, you can do it!!!! We have faith in you!!!

If you pray... Say a prayer for us
If you send vibes... send some vibes our way
If you can... send positive thoughts my way
I'll take whatever you got, because my own supply of strength is very low at the moment.

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