01 July, 2011

Helllloooh July :)

Goodbye June and Hellllooo July... I've been patiently waiting for you, for what seems like forever :)

I painted my back living room this week! I painted 3 walls with Cadet Blue and an accent wall in Burnt Chilly Pepper. I need to do one more coat of the orange and then I'm good to go. Well.. actually I need to do the trim but that can wait a bit. I still can't believe it has taken me almost two years to finally paint hahaha. The next room will be the kitchen. I'm thinking maybe an olive green or mustard yellow. Humm -well see how that goes.

I am excited to say that I will be able to celebrate the 4th of July with my friends and family!! I haven't had the 4th off in several, several years. I have to work the morning shift from 7am-3pm, but after I get off Sarah and I are headed to the lake for a few hours, then we'll head back to my house for burgers on the grille and then we'll all go down to the old football stadium to watch the fireworks! I'm super excited :)

Surgery is 12 days away. Eeek! I have been so anxious for this date to finally get here and of course... now I'm all sorts of nervous about it. Hahahha - Figures! I'm ready don't get me wrong...but just hoping that everything goes well and I get to keep my ovary...I'm a little fond of if, if I do say so myself. lol

This week was an emotional one to say the least... My brother, as some of you know, has been struggling with a serious drug addiction for several years. He had a son who he only has visitation with. He recently was sober for about 8 months and about 3-4 weeks ago he fell off the wagon and hasn't been able to get back on track since. I felt so bad for him because he was working hard, sober and genuinely trying hard to take care of things. He was unable to attain the amount of money to pay for a lawyer upfront so after several months Josh and I helped him get a lawyer so that he can get back custody of his child. Now he won't be able to pass a single drug test when he goes back to court and will probably lose his parental rights to Arthur. He was doing soo well. I think my brother fears getting him back because he doesn't think he will be able to provide for him in the right way. He is sabotaging his self and his chance to be a father. It was a waste of money and It breaks my heart every time... and it pisses me off beyond anything. I love my brother with all my heart, but enough is enough. I wish I knew what to do but I know deep down that there is really nothing I can do for him, that he has to do it for his self and his son.

Many people have asked "Why don't you take him"?!? I would love too, however, I haven't had custody of him this whole time, as a not so nice Lawyer said to me over the phone. I already gave my brother money for a lawyer, which means I'd have to come up with more money to get a lawyer for myself in order to petition for custody. We are already dealing with our own financial stuff when it comes to infertility costs. He is 2 almost 3 and has only seen me a handful of times. I'm not about to rip him away from the only mother he has really known for the past several years. He knows Teresa and loves her but you can tell that when he gets hurt or scared he goes to Judy (friend of family with custody of Arthur currently) I just wont do it!! It would be so selfish of me to just expect to get him since we are blood related and it wouldn't be emotionally healthy for him. If I did take Arthur, my brother would always hold that against me and I can't deal with the stress it would cause with my family. They already expect so much of me, and then If I were to take Arthur, they would expect me to be over there every other day with him and that's now how my life works... It probably seems very selfish to some people that I have all these excuses but you'd have to know the whole story to understand my decisions. I love my nephew and if Judy came to me one day and said she just couldn't do it anymore then I would jump on that in a heartbeat and take him in... I wouldn't let him go into foster care but right now he is with a loving family that has his happiness as a top priority and that means more than anything just to know he is in a safe and loving environment. It's more than my brother is able to offer him. I pray to the Gods that he finds peace within his soul and that he is one day able to understand his purpose in this life. It is sad to watch someone you have known all your life, completely break down. Sometimes I feel guilty at where I am in my life because I have my crap together and he doesn't. I know it's not my fault.. and I know I shouldn't feel that way but it's difficult sometimes. I think it is more sad then anything really. I don't feel sorry for him, I feel sad for his soul because he must really have some awful stuff going on in his head to be this self destructive.

Have a great weekend everyone and Happy Birthday America!!

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