17 July, 2011

My baby making equipment sucks - Surgery Update

It's 5 days after surgery and I am now able to sit at the computer without feeling uncomfortable, for the most part lol. I'm still moving around at old lady speed but getting better each day. I've been a couch potato, watched lots of day time TV, I've become addicted to "The Talk", court TV shows and I've had entirely too much time to think, haha. I also got to see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows part 2... and it was totally worth all the crap I've endured this week :)

Surgery was on Wednesday the 13th at 7:30am. The day before surgery I spent the afternoon getting cozy with the toilet and I couldn't eat any solid foods. I had to do a bowel prep *lucky me* and I had to drink phosphasoda <---- YUCK!!! The most disgusting crap I've ever ingested into my body. Seriously... it was so nasty I almost threw it up both times. Yes, I had to drink two bottles of that crap. Needless to say, Wed morning I was starving and very ready to get everything over with. I got signed in at 6am, got into my little room, stripped down and got snuggled up into a lovely and fashionable medical gown topped with fancy blue hair net hahah. Once they put my IV in, they let Josh come back and sit with me. Thankfully we got to hang out with one another until it was time for surgery. I saw the anesthesiologist, he asked me if I'd ever had any complications, so I told him that last time I had surgery in 2009 I woke up. He said being a redhead will do that. Hahaha. Most redheaded people require more anesthesia to be kept asleep. It has something to do with a chromosome we have that changes our receptive ability. It was kind of a complicated explanation but it made sense to me. Dr. Laura came in right after the anesthesiologist, all dressed in her scrubs, she's such a tiny little thing and I always see her dressed up with her white Dr's coat, so I felt relieved knowing she would be the one doing most of the work and she looked confident in her scrubs haha...I just felt a lot better seeing her before! Dr. Laura was her usual funny yet professional self and went over all the details once again, which made me feel really good. Once they started plugging stuff into my IV I don't remember much else. I do remember the medication hitting me and me looking over at Josh saying, "I think I feel this". That was it. I don't remember anything else except waking up with Josh sitting right next to me with his ipod in my face. I was in my little recovery room under about a hundred blankets and here sits my husband with his ipod pointed directly at my face asking me the secret code word. LOL I didn't know it, but it's an inside joke between the two of us :) He was hoping to catch crazy red-head wife ramblings, but all he got was a sour face and a sick wife who could barely keep her peepers open. I was in surgery for 3 1/2 hours!! So when I woke up, I was really nauseous... I stared waking up more I threw up a bunch of times in recovery, and all I remember is shaking all over each time I threw up, because it hurt to roll over, to sit up, to cough, it just hurt to use my stomach muscles :/ It took me a while to wake up enough to eat a cracker and have some water, hahaha, but that only made me sicker. Josh and the nurse kept trying to get me to sit up more so I'd wake up, but I looked up at Josh and said in my most pathetic voice "can we just go?". Josh looked at my nurse and told her, "she is probably as good as she was going to be, so we might as well head home soon". I followed with a "please can I we just go". I was so sick and all I wanted to do was lay in my bed. Before I knew it, Josh was dressing me hahaha. I don't know why, but thinking back on it, well... it's kinda cute. I know he really loves me when he can dress me when I'm half conscious. He got me dressed, the nurse got me in the wheelchair and he was off to pull the car up. Being wheeled outside was nice, it was so hot outside (102) and I was so cold that it made me feel like I was wrapped in a giant heating blanket! I curled up in the front with the seat all the way down, Josh strapped me in and rubbed my back as he drove me home. Once inside he got me to the bedroom where I immediately passed out. Once I was finally awake enough to eat, Josh got me some mashed potatoes and I was a happy girl after that :) That evening Josh gave me a "soft" rundown of what went on in surgery, then he pulled out the pictures. LOL yes, there are 3 pages if pictures of my insides... totally wasn't expecting that, but I was really glad to be able to see everything. It was not pretty... I could not put them down, I could not believe what I was seeing. It was like world war III went off in my baby making oven :/ The left side is the worst. The ovary and fallopian tube were rolled up together in an adhesion and scar tissue. You could see the right ovary but not the left at all, it was underneath everything, the cyst was big, and gross :/ I had bowel stuck to the adhesion's and all of that, was stuck to the side of my uterus and bottom of my abdominal wall. The cyst grew a lot bigger since May. Because my ovaries are stuck in place and the cyst was at the bottom of my ovary it was really hard to get to. While removing the cyst it broke and all of this dark chocolaty fluid came out, they cleaned up all the fluid as best as they could and she had to leave behind part of the cyst wall. Dr. Laura called me Thursday morning and explained everything to me, which was totally unexpected. I'm not used to having a Dr. who is so personal and informative and who calls you personally after surgery. She said that it took at least an hour to get the cyst out and cleaned up, they had to leave part of it behind because it was so deep into my ovary that if she had gone any further she would have open my ovary and I would have lost valuable eggs, so she didn't want to damage it further. I had a ton of scar tissue, the right ovary and fallopian tube have adhesion's and Endo, just not as bad as the left, she burned off the Endo that she could. She did not cut the adhesion's on the right because they would have started growing back and attached to different parts of my insides, and since that was the better side, she didn't want to mess with anything that might cause me problems down the line. She did cut adhesion's on the left, because everything was so freaking stuck together :/ Like I said... it's not pretty, and it's not going away. When she called Thursday morning she basically said "You should try right away, because it's just going to grow back and we have better luck for the next few months". I go back to work on the 27th and I have my follow up appointment on the 28th... I'm guessing we'll do another scan to see how it all looks, and to determine if the cyst has already started to grow back. She said we could go ahead and try a few IUI-treatments, with Letrazole, and possibly in-jectables. She did inform me that a lot of times, women with bad endo will need IVF. Basically... if we do a few IUI's and it doesn't work then most likely our only other option would be IVF :/ We're not there yet obviously, so I shouldn't be upset and freaked out, but it's easier said then done. I hate Endometriosis... I wish there was a magical cure and I wish fertility stuff didn't cost so much. It is so much to think about and hurts my brain lol. Overall surgery was a success, since I did not lose my ovary and only lost part of my fallopian tube... I'm relieved that surgery is over, I'm glad to finally know how bad my Endo is, and I'm sad that this is the reason we've not been able to have a family. I'm worried that there is just too much scarring, I know that I still need to have faith and hope, but today I feel defeated. I already feel like the IUI's will be failures, wastes of money and slaps in the face. I need to do some more research... I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but the truthful reality is this "My baby making equipment sucks ass" and there's no sugar coating it. I am having thoughts of not even wanting to try the IUI's, should we just try on our own.... Ahhhhhhhhhh I feel lost now, and completely unsure of what I truly want to do. I've been laid up on the couch with nothing to do but think and think...and think. I know once I get up and moving more that I'll start to feel better... but good Lord I hate the way I feel right now. Dr. Laura said - "When you do finally have babies, after you're done you may want to have your OBGYN take out all the bad stuff, because it's never going to go away". I have very mixed emotions right now. I don't know if I need to cry, scream, pout or what... I just know that there is a small part of me that's very sad inside... maybe even a little broken. I haven't really shared that with Josh or anyone else, I've pretty much kept that to myself. I don't want to seem like I'm feeling sorry for myself or need pity, because I don't. But I do have the right to feel sad and angry at my body for not doing what the hell it's meant to do... I need my time to feel this out... time to sort out my emotions, if ya know what I mean.

01 July, 2011

Helllloooh July :)

Goodbye June and Hellllooo July... I've been patiently waiting for you, for what seems like forever :)

I painted my back living room this week! I painted 3 walls with Cadet Blue and an accent wall in Burnt Chilly Pepper. I need to do one more coat of the orange and then I'm good to go. Well.. actually I need to do the trim but that can wait a bit. I still can't believe it has taken me almost two years to finally paint hahaha. The next room will be the kitchen. I'm thinking maybe an olive green or mustard yellow. Humm -well see how that goes.

I am excited to say that I will be able to celebrate the 4th of July with my friends and family!! I haven't had the 4th off in several, several years. I have to work the morning shift from 7am-3pm, but after I get off Sarah and I are headed to the lake for a few hours, then we'll head back to my house for burgers on the grille and then we'll all go down to the old football stadium to watch the fireworks! I'm super excited :)

Surgery is 12 days away. Eeek! I have been so anxious for this date to finally get here and of course... now I'm all sorts of nervous about it. Hahahha - Figures! I'm ready don't get me wrong...but just hoping that everything goes well and I get to keep my ovary...I'm a little fond of if, if I do say so myself. lol

This week was an emotional one to say the least... My brother, as some of you know, has been struggling with a serious drug addiction for several years. He had a son who he only has visitation with. He recently was sober for about 8 months and about 3-4 weeks ago he fell off the wagon and hasn't been able to get back on track since. I felt so bad for him because he was working hard, sober and genuinely trying hard to take care of things. He was unable to attain the amount of money to pay for a lawyer upfront so after several months Josh and I helped him get a lawyer so that he can get back custody of his child. Now he won't be able to pass a single drug test when he goes back to court and will probably lose his parental rights to Arthur. He was doing soo well. I think my brother fears getting him back because he doesn't think he will be able to provide for him in the right way. He is sabotaging his self and his chance to be a father. It was a waste of money and It breaks my heart every time... and it pisses me off beyond anything. I love my brother with all my heart, but enough is enough. I wish I knew what to do but I know deep down that there is really nothing I can do for him, that he has to do it for his self and his son.

Many people have asked "Why don't you take him"?!? I would love too, however, I haven't had custody of him this whole time, as a not so nice Lawyer said to me over the phone. I already gave my brother money for a lawyer, which means I'd have to come up with more money to get a lawyer for myself in order to petition for custody. We are already dealing with our own financial stuff when it comes to infertility costs. He is 2 almost 3 and has only seen me a handful of times. I'm not about to rip him away from the only mother he has really known for the past several years. He knows Teresa and loves her but you can tell that when he gets hurt or scared he goes to Judy (friend of family with custody of Arthur currently) I just wont do it!! It would be so selfish of me to just expect to get him since we are blood related and it wouldn't be emotionally healthy for him. If I did take Arthur, my brother would always hold that against me and I can't deal with the stress it would cause with my family. They already expect so much of me, and then If I were to take Arthur, they would expect me to be over there every other day with him and that's now how my life works... It probably seems very selfish to some people that I have all these excuses but you'd have to know the whole story to understand my decisions. I love my nephew and if Judy came to me one day and said she just couldn't do it anymore then I would jump on that in a heartbeat and take him in... I wouldn't let him go into foster care but right now he is with a loving family that has his happiness as a top priority and that means more than anything just to know he is in a safe and loving environment. It's more than my brother is able to offer him. I pray to the Gods that he finds peace within his soul and that he is one day able to understand his purpose in this life. It is sad to watch someone you have known all your life, completely break down. Sometimes I feel guilty at where I am in my life because I have my crap together and he doesn't. I know it's not my fault.. and I know I shouldn't feel that way but it's difficult sometimes. I think it is more sad then anything really. I don't feel sorry for him, I feel sad for his soul because he must really have some awful stuff going on in his head to be this self destructive.

Have a great weekend everyone and Happy Birthday America!!