01 April, 2011

And sometimes you hit another road bump.

Today totally sucked!

AF came last week after being a week late. I didn't even buy a pregnancy test because I knew deep within that I was in-fact not pregnant, that my body was just playing games with me. I was sick last week and on antibiotics so that may have had something to do with it. Once it finally got here I was soo excited to go in and get the ball rolling on this IUI or as I like to call it the "TBP" meaning....*turkey basting procedure*. The plan was to see my fertility doctor today, check the lining of my uterus and my ovaries, pick up and start taking the Letrazole and be a happy little clam on my way to possible baby-bliss. That is totally not how it went down :(

I worked late last night and went to bed at 2am knowing I had to be up at 8 this morning. What can I say...I was nervous. As if I was waiting for the first day of school and so I got sucked into lame internet crap and couldn't shut my brain off. Josh woke me up and I literally had to drag myself out of the bed. I made it out of the house and to the doctors office on time...so I'm proud of myself for that!

Jennicka, the *infertile receptionist* greeted me with her normal bubbly chit-chat and then I waited for what felt like forever but I'm sure it was all of 10 minutes. I got weighed, poked with needles and had my blood pressure taken..which was fantastic as always. I went into the little room, dropped my drawers and got as comfortable as I could possibly get...considering I had my legs in stirrups. First was the pelvic exam and ladies you all know what that's like. For you guys that are possibly reading..you really don't want to know. Dr. Laura immediately noticed that I have a tilted uterus and that my left ovary was larger. She joked "maybe you just have really healthy ovaries" lol. The sonogram showed otherwise. I have a large hemorrhagic cyst on my left ovary :( I could feel the pain and tenderness from it as she moved the sonogram wand around and I could see it on the screen. My first thought was "oh crap, that's what that is" I've felt the tenderness of this for several months and my gynecologist never thought it necessary to do a sonogram...errr! It is most likely a cyst caused by endometriosis. Most women will get cysts during their cycles and they normally just go away, it's actually pretty common. This is a different type, one that most likely will not go away on it's own because it's blood filled instead of fluid filled. So we are unable to start the IUI this month *sniff sniff*. I have to wait 4 weeks and go back in for a follow-up. If the cyst is still there I'll have to wait another 2 weeks, then go to Radiology Associates and they will do a more in-depth sonogram and decide if I need surgery. If I need surgery they will cut out the cyst, assess the damage to the ovary and surrounding area, possibly remove any other area's that are affected and send tissues samples to pathology to rule out cancer.

As I put my cloths back on and sat there, I really don't know what was going through my mind. I was so focused on not bursting into tears that I put on that fake happy face and for the moment pretended that I was not at all affected by this news. I paid Jennicak my 50 dollar co-pay, tried to smile my way through signing my receipt as she quietly looked at me and whispered "I'm so sorry". I felt comforted...knowing she knows exactly how I must have been feeling at that very moment since she herself has been infertile for several years. I made it into the elevator, out the front doors, and half way through the parking garage before the first tears escaped. I felt lost driving away. Like I wanted to crawl into a hole and pretend this was really just a sick April fools joke. I stopped by josh's job to get a cig, but really I just wanted to see his face and hear his voice. I saw him only for a few minutes, long enough to tell him that we couldn't start the IUI and that I had a cyst, I didn't really go into detail and contained myself from crying since he was at work. He knew instantly that I had been crying, he knows me too well.

I walked out the door and cried the whole way home. I felt so sad inside and I felt like I didn't want to burden anyone with my stupid sad issue. I did but I didn't if that makes sense. I know that sounds silly, because I have plenty of people who love and support me...but I could not pick up the phone to call anyone except for my Grandmother. I called her and instantly broke down on the phone, I sobbed as if someone had died, I wanted her to be right there to hold me in her arms and stroke my hair. I knew she would pour sugary words of love all over me and tell me how much it was going to be okay, that she loved me and that she was so sorry for the hurt in inside my heart. She calmed me down and then I called Sheila, my amazing mother in-law. I tried not to really cry because I have this uncontrollable need and feeling to be strong so no one needs feel bad for me or pity me. But as soon as I start talking with Sheila...her sweet words of kindness and love bring down my walls, I love her so much. I text Anna a short of everything :) and called my Mom :) They all helped me though this morning. They are my female tribe ♥ They lift me up when I am sad and hurting.

I ran a hot bath, turned on some good music and cried while shaving my legs...lol. Josh called to say he was coming home early and I started to feel relieved that I would get to see him before work, that now I could truly make it through the rest of the day without crying. Just to see him, smell him and feel his touch, his strong arms hugging me...was all I needed to make me feel better. We talked about everything and he just let me vent it all out. He made me feel like I was going to be okay, that we were okay, and that this will just be more of the story we tell our child someday. I think he might have even felt a little better that it wasn't just the morphology that's hindering our journey :) I love that man with all my freaking heart and it's days like today that I know deep within my soul that I will love him forever even if we are never able to have babies. We have something great and if parenthood isn't in our cards then he and our animals will be enough to fill my heart with love, adventure and peace. We've gone this long with just one another hahaha. The emotional pain of going through all of this is rough and to know that he is right there by my side let's me know that we can get through anything together.

Luckily I made it through work without a single tear! However...writing this blog, I've already cried several times and yet I feel so much better than I did this morning. I've let everything wash over me and now I'm drying off. I can't just walk around depressed and sad. I have to move on from those feelings and get through the next month!! I don't want to be that "Crazy Infertile" who people whisper about.

Cheers to a new tomorrow ♥


  1. I cried reading this. My heart breaks for you, but I am crossing every finger and sending up many prayers that this is just another set back. I am so hopeful that one day your blog will talk about how the wait was worth every moment because you are holding a bundle of joy. Much love to you and Josh!

  2. Amanda...you are soo very sweet to me :) Thanks girl and I can't wait to see pics of lil Austyn Blair!!


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