27 February, 2011

The good, the bad and the ugly..

I wrote this a few days back (the stuff below in bold) and couldn't find it in me anywhere to actually post it. Some part of me felt embarrassed, stupid, whinny and slightly over emotional. I thought who the hell want's to read depressing crap like this? I thought for a few more days and finally I decided that since this is my "Blog"...About our "Infertility Journey" then I need to share it all...the Good the Bad and the Ugly. Maybe a part of me didn't really want to share how I truly felt because if I did then it would be true, and how do you deny the truth when it's right there in your face? It has been a few days and I've sat and thought of all the negative things I could possibly think of and then something beautiful happened. My positive side started taking back over and told my negative thoughts to get lost..lol. I'm moving on from these insecure feelings and finding my strength again. *We can do this* No one person...is ever fully prepared to start a family and I guess that is the beauty of it. It's your own canvas to paint and if you let others tell you to paint inside the lines then it will not be "your own"

About a two weeks ago my Father In-law called and spoke with me about the IUI treatment and since they are helping us fund this whole shindig he naturally had a few questions. "Will you still have a job after you get pregnant" "Are you going to stay home with it" " How will you take care of it" Who will watch it" and so on. I felt slightly offended after getting of the phone with him but I realize they are all very valid questions to ask someone who wants to have a child. I told him that we didn't have an exact plan but that we were going adapt our lives around this change. Ever since then I feel like I have this giant ball of insecurity sitting inside my stomach and every day my mind comes up with a new reason as to why it would be too difficult to have a family. Why do I have all these doubts now?!? I know we would be great parents and do what we must to take care of our family... After listening to Bart ask those questions I felt like some part of him doesn't have faith in us or in our ability to handle taking care of a child. It's not like I plan on pawing the kid off on them every week and besides I have family myself that can help us. Deep down I know he meant well and wants nothing but the best for us. My sensitive side just completely took it the wrong way :( I know it doesn't matter what others think but his opinions really matter to me because he is my Father in-law. Obviously it's not his fault that I feel this way. It's probably been inside me for a while and just hasn't surfaced until now. But why now?!? Why when we are a month away from starting this process am I getting cold feet? Maybe the fact that it might actually work is what scares me. I've been so used to nothing happening that I haven't really thought about what if it really does work. I am worried that we've gotten a little too set in our ways, like maybe we've already become too comfortable in this life we've created for our selves, that maybe there is no room for anyone else and what would happen if we change everything? Are we strong enough to handle it? Will we still be just as happy with each other? It's just been him and I for so long now. Will we be able to afford this? Neither of us has a college degree. We work different shifts at work, and honestly at any moment one of us could lose our jobs and be totally screwed...all these things are freaking me out now. I feel so confused inside...when a month ago I was so headstrong about everything. What has happened to my enthusiasm?!? And then I hear myself think like this and say "What the hell is wrong with you" "You've cried one too many nights over this"... so many months of positive and excited feelings followed by compete sadness. Why go through all that just to run away scared in the end?

1 comment:

  1. What's great is that he was asking you about the baby-not if you're going to have a baby. He's in the future. From my view, which is very distant, these feelings that you're having now are normal to have when planning or getting pregnant or pregnant. It's not focusing on the trying to conceive, but focus on the outcome of all of your hard work. These are all normal feelings and I'm excited you're feeling them. Because you're concerned means you're responsible and loving. (Jocelyn)


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