27 February, 2011

The good, the bad and the ugly..

I wrote this a few days back (the stuff below in bold) and couldn't find it in me anywhere to actually post it. Some part of me felt embarrassed, stupid, whinny and slightly over emotional. I thought who the hell want's to read depressing crap like this? I thought for a few more days and finally I decided that since this is my "Blog"...About our "Infertility Journey" then I need to share it all...the Good the Bad and the Ugly. Maybe a part of me didn't really want to share how I truly felt because if I did then it would be true, and how do you deny the truth when it's right there in your face? It has been a few days and I've sat and thought of all the negative things I could possibly think of and then something beautiful happened. My positive side started taking back over and told my negative thoughts to get lost..lol. I'm moving on from these insecure feelings and finding my strength again. *We can do this* No one person...is ever fully prepared to start a family and I guess that is the beauty of it. It's your own canvas to paint and if you let others tell you to paint inside the lines then it will not be "your own"

About a two weeks ago my Father In-law called and spoke with me about the IUI treatment and since they are helping us fund this whole shindig he naturally had a few questions. "Will you still have a job after you get pregnant" "Are you going to stay home with it" " How will you take care of it" Who will watch it" and so on. I felt slightly offended after getting of the phone with him but I realize they are all very valid questions to ask someone who wants to have a child. I told him that we didn't have an exact plan but that we were going adapt our lives around this change. Ever since then I feel like I have this giant ball of insecurity sitting inside my stomach and every day my mind comes up with a new reason as to why it would be too difficult to have a family. Why do I have all these doubts now?!? I know we would be great parents and do what we must to take care of our family... After listening to Bart ask those questions I felt like some part of him doesn't have faith in us or in our ability to handle taking care of a child. It's not like I plan on pawing the kid off on them every week and besides I have family myself that can help us. Deep down I know he meant well and wants nothing but the best for us. My sensitive side just completely took it the wrong way :( I know it doesn't matter what others think but his opinions really matter to me because he is my Father in-law. Obviously it's not his fault that I feel this way. It's probably been inside me for a while and just hasn't surfaced until now. But why now?!? Why when we are a month away from starting this process am I getting cold feet? Maybe the fact that it might actually work is what scares me. I've been so used to nothing happening that I haven't really thought about what if it really does work. I am worried that we've gotten a little too set in our ways, like maybe we've already become too comfortable in this life we've created for our selves, that maybe there is no room for anyone else and what would happen if we change everything? Are we strong enough to handle it? Will we still be just as happy with each other? It's just been him and I for so long now. Will we be able to afford this? Neither of us has a college degree. We work different shifts at work, and honestly at any moment one of us could lose our jobs and be totally screwed...all these things are freaking me out now. I feel so confused inside...when a month ago I was so headstrong about everything. What has happened to my enthusiasm?!? And then I hear myself think like this and say "What the hell is wrong with you" "You've cried one too many nights over this"... so many months of positive and excited feelings followed by compete sadness. Why go through all that just to run away scared in the end?

21 February, 2011

Rubella schmellla

Today was not one of the greatest days.. It was a shit-tastic day to be honest. I woke up this morning at 4:45 from a really sad and depressing dream. I was moaning in my sleep because I woke myself up, but I was totally crying my eyes out in my dream. Josh fell and started having some sort of heart attack or stroke or something...I was trying to resuscitate him but he was dying and I couldn't save him. The dream was full of grief, sadness, anger and complete loss. I've not had a dream like that in ages. It felt so real..as if I lived through that whole experience. It definitely set the tone for the entire day. It was "yell at Crystal day" at work. Not by the people I work with but by guests..errr I hate days like today. I pretty much got home and went to bed for a nap, spent about 30 minutes crying in bed and then fell asleep and woke up at 8:30...Josh woke me up with freshly baked Margaretta pizza - my fav! I got my Rubella vaccine today after my not so fabulous work day and every since I got the shot I've felt a little sluggish, colder then normal and overall very blah. I've been bundled up on the couch watching Sense and Sensibility, this movie always calm my soul when I'm feeling down and overwhelmed by the world and it's crazy people. I also had to deal with the insurance claims person who surveys the damage of your vehicle. I got into a car wreck on the 12th of February :( I was driving to work downtown and a woman ran a red light and slammed into the side of my little truck..errr. She didn't even have a license! She was listed on someone insurance and the insurance is valid but now her own insurance company can't get in touch with her. Luckily I got a police report and had a witness. This month has been stressful... I'm ready for Gaga and birthday fun!

20 February, 2011

Moving on to IUI treatments!!

Josh and I got to see Dr. Laura Lawrence at Fertility Associates of North Texas on Tuesday this past week! It was the 15th and we were there for about 2 hours talking with the Dr about Morphology, egg health and different types of treatment ideas. It was an information overload. It was kind of funny to look over at Josh throughout..hehe He was a trooper through it all. We are a good candidate for 3-4 rounds of IUI <--- In other words, an Intrauterine Insemination. They are going to put the swim team a little bit closer to the finish line. I am no longer going to take Clomid. It made my vision kind of blurry while I was taking it, my Gyno never even asked me if it blurred my vision. Dr. Laura said that Clomid can cause permanent damage to one's optic nerve. Eeek! My vision is already a little challenged...lol and I definitely don't want to risk my eye sight trying to have a baby. I'm going to take something called Letrozole to stimulate ovulation. I'll have to tinkle on the little sticks again, get sonograms to see how many eggs my ovaries produce with the Letrozole and measure the size of the follicles to make sure the eggs are mature enough. When I get the LH surge it will be time to inseminate the "not so original way". Josh will give his sample of the swim at the ARTS building next door to our RE office, they will wash it (get rid of the bad stuff) add it to some protein mixture and then deposit it into my baby making oven! Then we'll wait and see if it works. It's honestly not that complicated...compared to injectables or invtro. With all my heart and soul I pray to the Gods that we don't have to get to that point. When we saw her on Tuesday we were all set to start this IUI process when my next cycle comes, which should be this week sometime. Unless I got pregnant this month *crosses fingers* and then I would get that Halloween baby *sigh*. I had a bunch of blood drawn to test for various different things. Then...Friday morning my nurse Coral calls to tell me I have absolutely no immunity to the Rubella virus (MMR = Measles, mumps and Rubella (German measles)). I told Coral I'd think about it over the weekend. No big deal right?!? Ugh...we have to wait whole month before we can start any IUI's :/ Aaannnndddd...we have to use condoms...rotfl or "contracept" as Coral would say. *Yea kids...so I know you haven't used a condom in about 8 years but now you do and you have to do it for a month...have fun* I was really bummed after my phone conversation. I was sooo excited to get started in March! It could have been my Birthday present *giggle*. I kept thinking... Rubella? Mumps...measles!?! Who the hell even gets this crap anymore, I mean at least here in the states anyway :/ I had to set my selfish and impatient feeling aside and do what's best for the health of our future Baby Bernard. Contracting Rubella while pregnant would be detrimental to the baby's health. I work in a Hotel and see people everyday who get off planes and who knows who they were sitting next to. I was torn on what to do I wanted to jump right in and get started lol... This is a true test of my patients. Josh and I talked about it on Friday and then Sunday night again, I asked him what he thought and He said "We've waited long enough, what's another month of waiting" so I knew my answer.. "We wait" I'm kind of excited at how it worked out because my Birthday is March 25 and I'm going to Lady Gaga on the 14th so now I can actually drink and let me tell you...I'm gonna have a blast!

10 February, 2011

Once upon a time contest!

My friend Crystal Michelle who is an amazingly talented photographer is having a Valentines Contest. Send your love story and win a free couples session with her!

Please take a look at her site and send in your own love story



The Story of a Pnut and his Crito...

It was a fine spring day freshman year. He'd been sitting at my lunch table for weeks and today I had the nerve to speak! Something about his smile made my heart feel like it was floating, he consumed my thoughts and I was hooked instantly. He was your over-achieving high school boy who didn't wake up everyday caring what people thought of him. He was a dork, nerdy to tha max, a singer and a theater geek...he definitely skipped to the beat of his own drum. After weeks of eying each other across the table we started joking, talking and then the innocent flirting kicked in. He left the lunch room early one day and so did I. Somehow we managed to bump into each other on the second floor. He was wearing a red theater shirt, a jesters hat for spirit day and juggling chocolate milk...lol. He then set them down and in sign language asked for my phone number. He called me that night at 10:30 after I sneaked the phone into my room and from that day on our relationship was in full bloom. I would sneak the phone every night and wait for his call, we would talk for hours and hours. He picked a red and yellow rose from his mothers rose bush, brought them to school, gave them to me and asked me to be his girlfriend on May 1st 1998. Love was pumping deep in our veins and fueling our teenage fantasies. In the middle of sophomore year my crazy grandmother moved me to Burkburnett Texas...to the middle of no where! Josh and I stayed together :) It was probably one of the hardest things to do in my teenage life...moving away from everything you've know is really hard. Josh came to see me every few months, and I would see him when I came to visit family. We wrote to each other every week. He even made me a cassette tape to take with me, which I listened to and cried to every single night for 2 months. Moving made me realize that my heart was meant for him, that he was truly my other half. I couldn't be completely happy without him. Eventually I made it back to fort worth and got an apartment with my brother in the middle of my junior year. I was finally back home and we were inseparable.
Josh took me to the Magic Time Machine May 1st of 2001 and asked me to marry him in the valentine booth *giggle* He got down on one knee shaking and sweating and asked me to be his wife. I was over the moon in love with him. We were engaged for two years and married on May 24th of 2003. Our love has grown everyday and and changed us both so much along the way. We have grown up with one another and watched each other change from rebellious teenagers to adults who push through life with love as their shinning light...we've changed each other in ways never imagined during the puppy-love stage. Josh stood by my side and held my hand when couldn't see past my own drug addiction. I got lost in a world that I didn't belong in. He was hard on me but walked by my side and continued to love and support me despite my flaws. Without his strength and support I honestly don't' know if I would have been strong enough to kick my drug habit. I am sober because of his love for me. It took many long nights of tears, painfully deep conversations, NA meetings and harsh words to wake me up and show me what I was throwing away. He is a patient man with a very deep love who I admire so very much. This year we'll be married for 8 years and have been together for a total of 13 years. Sometimes when I really think about the amount of time we've had together it just floors me. I never in my wildest dreams as a child could have imagined being so blessed with such a genuine love. We have been suffering from infertility for the past 6 years and desperately want to start a family of our own. This has been by far the most difficult thing to deal with as a couple and has tested our love in many ways and in some ways tested our character as humans.. Our love is strong and carries us through each month of sadness and disappointment. Somehow he finds a way each month to keep me laughing and keep me pushing forward. We know our love is strong enough to get through this painful hand of cards we've been dealt. We know that if we are unable to have children that we will not love each other any less...that in-fact we will have what some couples never have...the ability to give almost all of ourselves to one another. We are nothing special to anyone else but to each other we are the greatest things since sliced bread. We watch star trek and play scrabble, we clean house and cook together with the radio turned up real loud..contemplate the meaning of life, watch the stars and talk about how one day we'll fix the world :) We dream big and dream together...for ever and always ♥

07 February, 2011

"You no wann no kiieeds?"

Today is one of those days where everyone wants to asks you if you have kids and then of course the "Oh really...why you don't you?". I got my nails painted today *no fake nails for this girl* for the first time in about 7 years *giggle*.It felt nice to pamper myself a little bit. Kim, the tiny little Vietnamese lady painting my nails asks me how long I've been married, and then proceeds to ask how many children I have. I say "none" and her eyes get all big and bright. "You no want no kiiids?" she says in her accent.I say "We've been trying for a couple years now" and tell her I've been taking fertility drugs. She smiles this most awesome smile at me and squeezes both of my hands and says " Now you come to me...you gonna get pregnant, I touch you and give you good luck, I have 8 children" I laughed a genuine laugh as she tells me the names and ages of each of her children, obviously a very proud mom. Normally I would have wanted to sulk and be sad about it... but it actually felt nice to just blurt out that we are doing fertility stuff and are seriously trying. It feels good to say it!! For so long when people would ask why we didn't have kids yet I would just say "We are just taking our time, no rush if you know what I mean" which was total BS. I just didn't want people to know we had problems but now that we are in the thick of it...it feels nice to let it out and let people know what's really going on. Today at work Mr. Appsoloft asked me when I got off work and whether I had kids waiting at home for me. I said "No" then gave him the same spill "We're trying", fertility treatment, blah, blah, blah" and he did the exact same thing with his eyes. I'm guessing it just really surprises people to know there are people out there who are married and don't have kids yet. Then he told me a really sweet story about his sister who tried for years and went through what we're going through, they were successful in the end. *I love happy endings*. He says "I know it's really cliché but it will happen when it happens" lol. Strange Day...I can't wait for our appointment in March. I'm really nervous but ready to hear what they have to say :/ Josh has not had a red bull in 10 days. He is sweet and honestly it really shows me that he wants this as much as I do!

06 February, 2011

Winter has graced us with her icy presence!

Winter has graced us with her icy presence once again! Monday we were hit with several inches of ice, the temp did not get above freezing for several days and then we got a few inches of snow on top of it all! I know it creates such a mess and hassle for people to drive but it always makes me feel like a kid inside waking up to snow covered trees!

Josh drove me in at 7am on Wednesday and then I drove myself to work the rest of the week...it was pretty scary and exciting at the same time. There were a few moments driving in on Friday that I almost peed myself..lol. The roads were covered in ice and then the snow fell...so it was really difficult to see grooves in the road that I'd driven on the night before. As I type this very minute it's raining heavily outside and the temperature is continuing to drop. We have another arctic blast and winter-mix on the way! The Superbowl is on right now, SO crazy to think in just a few short hours they will be descending upon downtown to finish celebrating...lol. it is going to be a late night :)