It feels like the clouds have opened up and let the sun shine on my heart again! The last 5 months have been like a roller coaster ride dealing with this infertility junk My emotions have literally been up and down, and up and down and up and down again. There have been many tears..but I'm not giving up just yet :)
AF came to visit on Sunday so I called my doctor's nurse this week and she already had my referral ready. I didn't expect to feel as emotional about it as I did. All month I'd been trying not to even think about it, obsess about or fantasize about it. To no avail...I was a mess of tears on my ride home from work, feeling as hopeless as ever and just plain and simple...feeling sorry for my self. It was a miserable feeling.
A few days ago I called the Reproduction Endocrinologist office and set up an appointment for March 10th!! Josh and I will go together and sit with the Doc and go over all of our previous records and start a new "plan of action". I now feel revived, renewed and ready to continue riding the Infertile wave that is crashing over us. My heart has been sad for some time...and it sux! This fairytale life we envisioned when we got married is not turning out the way we planed. Don't get me wrong... We have all the love you could imagine...just no children to share that love with. We laugh, have deep conversations often, we play music and listen to comedy, we watch Star Trek and cartoons, and clean house together with the music up loud, we get fruffy (our word for pissy or being mad) and have days where we hardly say a word to each other but at the end of the day we don't go to bed angry. We allow each other to have our down days and just try to be supportive on the upside of things. Yes... I know it's totally cliche but it's the truth. I married a Libra they are logical and balanced, in turn he has rubbed off on me over the years and taught me how to not let my emotions rule my life. However... it doesn't work allll the time lol. Zoloft 50mg definitely helps hehe... it is one of my best friends and keeps me from letting my crazy *Interfile Madness* spill out into the real world. And let me tell you...that is an awesome thing.
Example: The day before Thanksgiving I had to get my Clomid before everything closed for the holiday. I left on my lunch break to pick it up because I had to start taking it on day 5 which happened to be the next day Thanksgiving. I stood in line for 25 minutes at the Wal-mart pharmacy, got to the counter with my box of tampons in hand as well, since obviously I wasn't cooking a bun in my oven, I asked for my prescription, they didn't have it because it was called into the wrong pharmacy. Girl at the counter sent me to the next counter to talk with someone else, I take my tampons with me to pay for them, I talk with a woman who tells me it's going to be at least 3-5 hours before they can put my 5 little pills in a bottle and get them ready *assholes* so I decided I might as well go back to work and have Josh pick it up, I ask to pay for the *Vampire floss* Josh's word for tampons and the woman tells me that she can't check me out here that I have to go back and stand in line. I proceeded burst into tears and walk away cussing under my breath and then threw the effing box of tampons at the bench in between the two pharmacy counter windows. People thought I was crazy, and for a moment I truly was. That my friends is why Zoloft is my friend...lol.
So back to what I was originally talking about...lol. I truly believe that Josh and I are a happy couple on the inside and out. We... like any couple have our moments and days when we are on completely different vibes and the beauty is that most of the time we let each other chill out on that vibe and catch up the next go around. Being a couple isn't losing yourself and becoming that person. It's losing yourself and that person helping you find *you* again, that person loving you on your worst days of tears, crazy emotions, and utter hopelessness. Mr. Pnut has been a loving and supportive husband through all of this, he takes his vitamins and listens and smiles when I gripe at him for drinking red bull because it is bad for the little guys. He understands because he's going through it with me...we are in this together. He may not be the one having the intense uncontrollable emotions, hot flashes or visits from Aunt flow but I know every month that I start sobbing when it didn't work he is immediately softer, unselfish, completely and honestly my best friend. I could not ask for anything more and if anything... all of this infertility stuff is bringing us closer together on a level we never imagined being on.
Lately I find myself looking at a lot of infertility forums and blogs late at night when I can't sleep and in between the "2 week wait". Last night I found a site called "999 reasons to laugh at infertility" It seriously is my new favorite addiction!!