28 December, 2011

Made it through in one piece!

The Holiday's are almost over and I seriously couldn't be more happy!

I managed to make it through Christmas in one piece :) There were a few moments when sadness sneaked up on me, but I didn't let it hang out for too long! I spent the time staying busy cleaning, baking, hanging out with my Pnut, and hosting a Christmas party for our Friends... I'm glad it's all coming to an end :)

The most difficult thing was probably getting a text from my friend Linda, telling me she's having a girl. Linda and I got pregnant at the same time in September. This will be her third, and she's a week ahead of where I would have been right now. . . That part makes me sad, I can't go see her either... it's just too hard for me to go around her right now. I know she understands, but it still makes me feel like a big baby. Errr. By now we would have been able to find out the sex. *sigh* Would it have been a little boy, a sweet faced girl??? We'll never know. My heart still hurts for the loss of our Little Bean. . . I catch myself daydreaming about what would have been, what it would have felt like to have a tiny human inside of me, what it would have been like to see that baby's face for the first time, to gaze upon its face and cry tears of pure joy... Ugggg. Rest in Peace little Bean - you will never leave my heart!

I must admit I've felt less angry... I have been secretly obsessing and fantasizing about February!! I'm excited to do another IUI... Ahhh it's driving my brain crazy waiting. I would do it right this very instant if I could, but time will hopefully give us the best chances of a successful conception.

We leave for Vegas in in about 2 1/2 weeks! Eeeeek!

Christmas treats for all ♥

My super sweet Pnut, and I made Christmas treats for everyone this year!!

We are saving all of our funds for Vegas and Fertility costs, so our Christmas gift to our families,were sweet yummy things!! Hanging around the house all day with my husband making yummy things was quite a lot of fun - We make a good team ♥


Pepermint Oreo Cookie Balls

Perpermint Oreo Cookie Balls = Yumminess
(and of course you must have a glass of wine to go with)


18 December, 2011

Time is moving again!

I'm completely done with my HCG monitoring. . . So no more unnecessary trips to the Fertility office *Happy Dance* Yay!! I will miss seeing them over the next few months, however I will not miss the sinking feeling I get every time I pull into that parking garage. I've cried so many times in that garage, it is not even funny.

AF finally arrived this and what a relief. It totally explains why I've felt so depressed, and crappy the last few weeks.I started Birth-Control today, Ugggg. It always makes me laugh when I have to be put on it. I mean seriously, I'm infertile, and your putting me on medication so I don't get pregnant. Hahaha. I'm only taking BC to try and keep my Endometriosis at bay until we do IUI # 2.

And. . . If all goes well we should be able to do our 2nd IUI the second week in February.


I'm excited, scared, nervous, hopeful, and ready. We will not be telling anyone when we do it, it will be our secret. . . I will share the journey with my blog peep's, but that is as far as it will go. If you happen to read my blog, and you are family or a close friend ---> Keep your lips sealed and wish us luck, because we'll definitely need all the luck and sticky dust you could possibly give ♥

12 December, 2011

I hate feeling angry.

Grief is the most arduous, exhausting, gut wrenching, heartbreaking emotional work that you will most likely ever do. It takes so much energy. Know that you are strong as you cry, as you wail, as you collapse from the weight of the sorrow. Know you are strong as you face your feelings and hold onto the love that whispers through your soul. Although you don't feel brave, know that you are courageous and strong in your brokenness.

I found the above quote on my Facebook status feed today and it really hit a nerve... It really is the truth.

It has officially been a month since my hopes of motherhood completely collapsed. I cry less and less, but still have moments of tearful sadness. I find that I feel pissed off more than anything. How unfair. . . how unfair that there are no answers as to why this happened, how unfair I have to wait for another miscarriage to find out if I have lupus or Antiphospholipid syndrome, or something else. . . Or maybe next time things will go great and I'll never have to feel this type of loss again. Who knows - It all just makes me mad, I guess this is one of the stages of the grieving process. I'll be glad when this passes.

My Father In-law and I were talking through email and I said "This is a lonely type of grief to go through" and I mean it. . .

At times I feel like it never happened, as if I dreamed it all up. No one sends cards, or flowers to tell you they are sorry for you loss, most do not acknowledge what has happened because they are probably afraid to bring it up. I'm not expecting a pity party, or everyone to feel sorry for me, or even for people to feel obligated to talk to me about it. It just makes me a kind of sad that I feel so alone in this. I hate it. I hate it with every ounce of my being. I hate that there is a huge hole inside of my chest. It is painful, yet invisible to the world. I want to talk about my miscarriage, yet I feel afraid to bring it up. Even my closest friends do not really ask how I'm doing. I see them, we talk and catch up on what's going on in each others lives, we laugh, we talk about everything, except that. No one really asks "Hey how are you doing" or "Do you need to talk". . . Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. It is very lonely walking down this road I'm on. I do not wish it upon anyone. I love my friends, and I know they love me with all their hearts, and in time maybe they will ask me about it; so I can share my deepest sorrow with them. It is not really okay until you cry it out with your friends, and I really haven't done that. Everything feels so heavy in my heart. . . the right time will come. Evey ones lives are busy. . . So I'm not angry at them, it is just hard sometimes, hard holding it in, and hard carrying around the weight of it. In all honestly I'm doing a whole hell of a lot better, if I could just stop feeling so angry inside...

Today I had to go in for labs at the Fertility office, again :| This is hopefully the last one I'll have to do. Since the miscarriage I've had to go in once a week so they can monitor my HCG levels, and make sure they go down to 0. Last time they were at a 2, so hopefully this was my last visit.

Each time I have to go in for the labs it just reminds me of the awfulness that transpired. The awfulness that ruined my favorite month. The awfulness that breaks my heart. It brings back memories, and puts me in a crabby mood; hence the crabby post. I really hope today was the last lab. I'm currently waiting on AF, then I'm supposed to start Birth Control until we are ready to do out next IUI in hopes that my Endo doesn't go crazy. I hope the next few months pass by quickly :)

11 December, 2011

Did someone say Vegas?!?

Sooo. . . The hub's and I are flying to Vegas in January!!! OMG, Omg, omg.

In the 13 years that Josh and I have been together, we've never, ever flown on a plane together. Josh is not big on flying, and most of our trips have all been between here and Louisiana, sooo yea. . . Did I mention that we fly out on Friday the 13th??? Hahahah.

My best friend (since before we had boobs) Anna is marrying her long time boyfriend of the past 7 years! I'm so excited for her *sigh*

She will be an Amazing Bride - I can't wait!!

We are booked at Ballys which is next to the Paris Hotel and across from the Bellagio. Eeeeek!! The picture below shows where we'll be staying. . . right in the heart of Vegas ♥ *happy dance*

All I can say is. . . This is going to be a fabulous celebration of true Love, and a Great way to start off the New Year.

Neat - My first blog award!

I received my very first Blog award from----> Our Journey through this Lovely Life

Alexis - Thank You so much!
You made me smile and made my day. I feel so excited to receive this award, and to know that people actually read my ramblings - Thanks so very much!!

Similar to the Liebster Blog Award, certain rules also apply in receiving this award:

* Thank the person who passed the award on to you.
* List 7 things that people may not know about you.
* Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and don't forget to notify them as well.

About Me

I am a natural redhead with lots of freckles
I was born in Fort Worth, Texas
I love the color Turquoise or any sort of teal/aqua shade
My favorite month is October
I am an Aries 7, with Virgo rising and a Leo Moon
I Harry Potter
My favorite comfort food is Chicken and Rice with all tha fixin's


I have given Awards to these lovely Blogs! If I listed you here it is because I have greatly enjoyed reading your blog through the year, and secretly you have helped me on my own journey - Thank you all so much and best of luck to each of you ♥

Finding Joy in the Journey
I believe in Miracles
No Longer Broken
Trying for A Baby
Mission: Fertile Soul


27 November, 2011

On the mend!

I find myself quite amazed at how quickly the human heart begins to mend its self.

I'm beginning to feel more, and more like myself again. I will forever, and always be changed by the experience of losing a baby, but miraculously I'm still Me, and that makes me smile each day ♥

Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since we learned our little Bean's heart stopped beating, and Wednesday marks 3 weeks since I had the miscarriage :| Tomorrow, I would have been 13 weeks - those are always going to be my hard days. It feels like the pregnancy was just some oddly distorted dream that I was forced to suffer through. I cried for 2 weeks straight, everyday - no lie. Today I am smiling and tear free! I have cried only a few short tears here and there. . . so - Go Me!!! I guess you could say that last week was it for me. . . I finally had to force myself to get up, out, and be active <--Easier said than done, that's for sure.

I woke up on Monday with tears still in my eyes, I felt angry at myself for still wallowing in my own self pity. I wanted to be happy no matter the cost. I dug out my yoga pants, running shoes, charged up the Itouch, and headed out the door to the rec center only to find out they were not open until 4pm that day...Errr. I felt slightly defeated, since It was a feat to just make it out of the house. So, I went back home and decided to walk laps around my neighborhood. It was a success!! I grabbed a hoodie and was on my way. The wind was blowing in my hair, the fresh air was amazing, the sun and cloudy sky played peek-a-boo and painted a very lovely backdrop for my walk! I felt like I was one with myself. . . I have not felt that in a while.

I worked Thanksgiving morning and was off work a little after 3pm. I rushed over to my Grandma's house, then met Josh at his parents house at 5pm; Mama was in town, and cooked a lovely dinner for everyone! I did not cry at all on Thanksgiving Day :) I felt strong!! Being around family was much easier this go around. We said the blessing before eating, and Bart said something about missing those that were no longer with us, no matter if their heart beat for 93 years or just a few weeks. *sigh* it was very sweet of him to acknowledge our little Bean. I've learned that everyone handles this kind thing differently - I appreciated his kind words<3

I finally painted the front living room! It's an awesome Turquoise color! I only painted 1 wall, a few pieces of random furniture, and the front Door! Ohh and also all of my frames for that room. I'd actually been thinking about doing it for a while, but then I got pregnant that put a hold on a few "house" things. I've now decided that I want to get all the house painting done by March. That's hopefully around the time we'll get to do our 2nd IUI, so I want the house done! I'm thankful for the time, because I do our bedroom, laundry room and finally paint ALL the baseboards. I will post a better picture of the living room when it's completely done! I have to say, it's going to look pretty neat! I was a little inspired by the website Pinterest :) It is really good for me to have these house projects right now, because it will make the next few months go by fast :) Heck Thanksgiving's over, Christmas is right around the corner. . . Then it's a Happy New Year, one that I'm looking forward to. To be quite honest 2011 - Sucked Ass!!


20 November, 2011

Sometimes, I'm an Artist.

Art will always mend the soul, and set free the mind

The Redhead


18 November, 2011


I have cried everyday for the last 12 days. . .

I manage to not cry much in front of Josh, or at work, but when I am alone. . . I feel lost in my own tearful sea of sadness. I have sobbed deeply over something so small, so wondrous, and something so hoped for. . .

Something that was ours for just a tiny moment :|


This really hurts.

13 November, 2011

Things can only get better from here

Thursday night Josh and I went to Luby's for dinner with Josh's Parents, Jen, Wook, Miranda Jane and Mawmaw - it was her Birthday. It was too soon to be out in the company of people, even family. After quickly eating I looked at Josh and gave him the *look*, he didn't even have to ask, he just looked up and said "Well, we're going to go ahead and head home" Everyone seemed surprised that we were leaving, but I couldn't explain, I was trying so hard not to just break down and be a tearful mess :( So we just hugged and left. I cried all the way home. . . I knew I should have just stayed home. . . but I tried, and that's all that really matters. I know they understand. I am going to visit Mawmaw and Sheila on Tuesday this coming week. . . It will be much easier then.

I have text my closest friends, and avoided answering the phone for anyone. . . It seems that everyone wants to talk to me about it, but I'm just not ready. I will be in time, just not yet. This blog is a huge help for me. It's very therapeutic, and I'm thankful to have an outlet for my thoughts, during a time when I am unable to speak. . .

A part of me feels bad for shutting everyone out, but it's what I must do to get through this for now. I hope any Friends reading this understands. I have to grieve in my own way, and unfortunently I'm one of those peope who shuts other out. lol. It is only temporary, if you know me well enough, then you understand :)

I went back to work Friday for the evening shift. Getting myself ready was the hardest thing in the world to do. I literally cried for an hour while getting ready, cried on my way to work, and even made a few trips to the bathroom to secretly cry while at work, thank goodness it was busy. By the end of the night, I was starting to feel stronger, except that as soon as I got in my car to leave I bawled like a baby. When I came in that day, I could tell that Kathy wanted to hug me, and say something, but she held back. She knows me well enough to know I would have cried... and I was thankful she didn't say anything. No one asked me anything, and that made all the difference. I'm okay until I have to explain it or talk about it, that's when the tears start falling, I don't even have to be in a tragic state. One minute I'm fine, and then Bam! A single thought in my head, or word mentioned and I'm a mess. My second day of work was much easier. I guess it is probably best that I went back to work. - You have to get back in the routine of things sooner or later.

I thought I would make it a whole day without crying yesterday, but like clockwork, as soon as Josh went to bed, I became overwhelmed with my emotions, and broke down. . . I told him that when I cry like that, it feels like my entire body is crying. My soul feels very broken. I feel like I do not know who I am anymore. . . I am infertile, but who am I?

I'm going to plan a girls night out very soon! I need to have fun, and not feel bad for it. I need to have a drink. . . a good strong drink. . . I need to feel like me again. I need to laugh, like a really good laugh and not a pretend laugh.

I have 3 months until we start this all over again. The IUI that is... at least we think around that time :)

I have 3 months to find who I am again, to lose the 15 pounds that I've gained over the last few months, heal my heart as best as I can, and to let my body heal. So that when we do, do this again I'm healthy and ready!

A huge part of me is so afraid to do this again, and have the same outcome. But I will take the risk, and it will take everything within me to be strong enough. . . I want this morning than anything I've ever wanted, so I like I said. . . will take that risk. . . even if it hurts me in the end.

3 months seems like forever, but I know in time, I will be me again. . . I will find myself. And, I will be full of excitement when March rolls around. . . Right now it feels impossible, but all is not lost. I have hope buried deep inside. . . Monday I am going to start things off differently. I will not allow myself to continue eating this misery by the spoonful. I am going to start working out again at the rec, I'm going to clean my house, and I'm going to start working on homemade Christmas Gifts. I will not let myself be consumed by depression this holiday season. . . Thanksgiving is a little less than 2weeks away damn it, and I'm going to be happy!


Miscarriage = A broken heart

***Warning*** This post contains info that is probably *TMI* for most.

I have cried, I have sobbed. . . uncontrollably at times. It's therapeutic, really it is. I feel angry, guilty, relieved and I feel a deep sorrow that aches throughout my entire body. I truly thought this was going to be it! The next chapter of our life unfolding before us. I thought for sure after all this time, finally getting pregnant, on the first IUI, that there was no looking back and I was so happy to be pregnant. . . I told Josh that - I guess was so excited about finally getting pregnant that I didn't even think about miscarriage, until that sonogram. I feel angry that it is over, yet I'm beginning to accept it with a certain peace. I want to try again!! I want what we almost had. I know that through this deep struggle, something good must eventually happen - right? I know that I have lost a part of me, that will never be a part of me again. Today I am okay with that. . . yesterday I wasn't, and tomorrow I might not be, but today I am. One day at a time!

This my story about having a miscarriage, it's not pretty, it's not what most people want to hear. It's probably not the most exciting post, nor is it the happiest post, but it's my story to share and I can't let this stay inside of me.

We went in for our sonogram appointment on Monday the 7th, and were unable to find a fetal heartbeat :( The last time we saw it, it was 63 bpm :(

If Josh had not been with me, I may have had to crawl out of that appointment dragging my heart behind me on the floor.
I laid there on the bed looking at the screen with a heavy sadness in my heart, because I could tell instantly that it was bad news. Tears began to stream down my face as I started to realize it was really over. Josh stood up quietly at the sight of my tears, and put his hand on my shoulder.

We were both speechless and brokenhearted to say the least.

Dr. Laura scheduled another ultrasound with Radiology to make 100% sure that things were over before taking any sort of action. *Great, I have to do this all over again*. I asked for the latest time available, because I wanted to go home and hide from the world. I didn't want to be sitting in another waiting room sobbing for the world to see.

Before we left the Fertility office, we sat in Dr. Laura's consult room (the room I've come to despise) and discussed options. Talk about depressing. *Uggg* Our options were to wait and have a natural m/c(which could take up to a month), take the tablets to induce the m/c, or have a D&C. We discussed each option in depth, and decided that a D&C was not for us. I've had it before, and having Stage IV Endo we didn't want any scarring or adhesion's to form inside my uterus. I'm make adhesion's really easily, which sucks. So that would be even more devastating to cause more damage. So I opted for the med's, and made an appointment for Tuesday to receive the tablets vaginally. Uggg.

We drove home from the Fertility office, and I cried the whole way there. The sky was cloudy, and matched my internal struggle perfectly. Josh just kept his hand resting on my leg, while I cried and he drove. He did not say much about how he was feeling, but I know it was difficult for him as well, he was very quiet. He asked if I wanted him to come with me to the next appointment, I said No. I really knew deep inside that he too, needed his time. I did not want to make him go through it all over again. What was the point?!? Our baby was no more :( I also needed to be alone with myself, I needed to be free to cry with no one having to see me, or feel sad for me, or pity me. We would have our time together later.

I drove to the second ultrasound appointment. Many tears fell as I drove in silence. I didn't know I could cry that much in such a short period of time. The ultrasound Tech was extremely gentle, soft spoken, and kind to me. I appreciated that. I can't imagine having her job :| I wasn't able to see what she was doing, but when I got dressed I looked at the screen my heart sank deep into my chest. There it was, my little bean sitting so still inside of my body, frozen there in time, and in my mind forever. It's little heartbeat was just a memory now, it was over. . .

It was the final blow, the final straw, the final stab in my heart.

I feel like all this has left a gaping hole that only I can see, and feel.

I waited and did not tell anyone until after that last ultrasound. . . I made the call to my Grandmother. Sheila called while we were leaving the 1st appointment, and I could barely get words out. I called my boss while I was leaving the last appointment *sigh* I just stood in the parking garage crying, starring out into the cloudy sky. In some strange way it was quite beautiful. I could have stood there all night, I could have been my own weeping willow.

What a sad mess I was. Reality was settling in, and if felt horrible. I felt guilty as if it was my fault, as if I caused it in some way. I also felt relief. The last month had been filled with long days of uncertainty. I was stuck in time, I feel like my life kinda paused the day we heard that heartbeat of only 65 bmp... I've been sitting on egg shells waiting for something to change, and now we have an answer, an outcome. Maybe not the one we wanted, but there was finally and end in sight. So Yes, in some way I felt relief.

I drove to pick up my tablets so I could take them to my appointment the next day. When I got to the pharmacy, the tech was pretty busy and just sorta yelled out "I'll be right with you", the other tech got my info and prescription, handed it to her, and she again yelled out across the pharmacy "Are you pregnant"? I stood there in disbelief. . . Did she really just ask me that? Am I not picking up medication to induce a fucking miscarriage???? How insensitive. I answered back "Well, I was" in the most miserable voice, with a line of people behind me. I seriously could have reached over that counter and slapped the shit right out of that woman.

I finally made it home. I was exhausted. I had no appetite. I was numb, yet tears managed to still fall from my face. . . my body still shook with each sob. I was angry. The pain within my heart is bigger than myself, and I don't know exactly what to do with that, other than write it out.

The next morning I woke up, went to the bathroom, and realized I already started to bleed. I called, and canceled my appointment for the day :( I guess my mind finally started to accept what was happening, and allowed my body to start doing its part. The bleeding didn't last long... By mid day it stopped, so I called the office and asked if I could go ahead and insert the med's myself. I guess most woman feel squeamish about doing it their self, so she repeatedly asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. I was sure. I went to the store and bought a heating pad, because I ours was MIA, got a huge bottle of water, and bag of peppermint Hershey kisses - I ate the entire bag :(

I was afraid of what it would be like, and if I would be able to handle the pain, I prayed that the medication worked so this wouldn't be drawn out any longer, because I was worried about going to work, and that I wouldn't have to have the D&C if nothing happened.

I made a little nest around the couch with everything I could possibly need. . . I placed the medication, and within 1 hour the cramping started. By the second hour my uterus was contacting, and causing me a great deal of pain. After several hours of intense pain, and trips to the bathroom, I finally dragged myself into the bedroom with my heating pad. I tossed and turned, rocked, and cried myself to sleep. I woke up on Wednesday, and felt the same. I had very intense cramping so much so that I had to sit on the toilet, because I was bleeding a lot. . . It was pretty intense. Dr. Laura warned that I would pass "tissue" meaning the products of conception, the placenta, sac, everything. . .

And I did. I passed everything. I saw everything. . . I will never forget those images, ever. For a moment I thought "Should I bury this"? I felt that flushing everything was so cut and dry, so sad. . . I felt confused, I didn't really know how I'd feel seeing it all. You may ask why I looked, or even held it in my hand, but I don't know why. . . I just had too, it was a part of me, I felt that I had to see it to move on from it. some parts alone we almost as long as my hand. It was an odd, and somewhat traumatizing experience. After that, the intensity of the cramping had subsided more and more. I'm now having what some would call the most extreme period, ever. I thought that most of the painful cramping had gone, but I was wrong.

Today I woke up at about 6:15am in the most excruciating pain. I was rocking in bed in the fetal position, crying, breathing in and out, trying to balance myself so I that I could make it out of bed long enough to find pain relief. I made my way to the computer room to find my my 800mg ibuprofen. I grabbed the heating pad on my way back, curled up in my bed, and cried; not out of sadness, but out of pain. I contemplated calling my doctor, but after 2 hours the pain started to calm down, and I was able to fall back to sleep for a little bit. I felt like my entire uterus was about to fall out of my body, everything hurt. I don't even know how to explain it :| I could feel the pain building up, and so all I could do was breath my way through it.

Josh keeps reminding me that I am going to be an even stronger person after this. He is so strong for me. . . I love him with all my ♥ He keeps me laughing, makes me smile, and let's me be, and feel how I need to feel or be :) I hope I never have to go through this again :|

We always take pictures of our selves when we are our happiest. . . I'm sure it seems morbid to some, and of maybe of bad taste to post pictures of you in your saddest moments. While sobbing in my room, listening to my itouch; Donnie Darko - Mad World started playing. I walked over to to change it, because that song was driving the tears right out of me, because in that moment I did not need anything else to make me cry, lol. I waked over, and the itouch was on camera setting, so there I was on the screen, looking all sorts of brokenhearted in my moment of misery. I looked at myself, red nose, puffy eyes, tears quietly streaming down my face, and hair all a mess; I felt compelled to take a few pictures of myself at my absolute lowest. Of course, I will never forget any of this, ever. . . It will stay with me always. I will get better, and will eventually heal, but If I ever think things can't get any worse, I will look back at these pictures, and realize that I've already been through the worst.

I feel stronger after writing all this out. It's as if I've placed half of my pain elsewhere. I will be able to move forward, even if it's only an inch a day :)


09 November, 2011

Rest in Peace, My Little Bean...

There is much sadness in my heart. . .

To my friends that knew from the beginning, and to the ones who didn't have a clue. . .

After 6 years of trying to put a bun in my oven, and finally getting pregnant on our first IUI in September, I am sad to say that I have miscarried my little bean. Its tiny little heart wasn't strong enough and stopped beating at about 9 weeks, I was 10 weeks on Tuesday. . . It seems unfair that this journey has had to end so soon :| I'm having a bunch of blood work done, they took 8 vials today. . . Part of me prays that there is nothing found, that maybe this was just an unlucky chromosomal match-up, and there is also a part of me that wishes for an answer. Why does this keeps happening?


I will never forget the excitement I felt for that tiny life, the excitement in Josh's eyes the first time we saw that little heartbeat, the dreams I had, the feeling of pure happiness. . . I was dancing on cloud 9, and over the moon in love with the idea that Josh and I were finally going to have a little Baby Bernard. We've tried for so long, and been disappointed so many times, that we really thought this was going to be our time, but it truly wasn't meant to be, at least not this time around. We've decided that we'll try again sometime in Feb or March, after my body, and mind have had time to heal. The fact that I even got pregnant was a miracle, so that gives me hope for the future.

Yes, It sucks! It fucking sucks more than my words could possibly explain. . . I will not be able to forget this pain, the emotional or physical. I will have to let it become apart of me, they say it will make me stronger. . . Why is that so hard to believe?

I just need to find my big girl panties, put them on, dust my self off, keep a tissue in my pocket for tears, and keep my head up. I have to remember that above all else. . .

For now I'm going to pour myself a glass of red wine, curl up with my heating pad, a Harry Potter Movie, my Roxy, and call it a night.

06 November, 2011

What Earthquake?!?

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.
-Edgar Allan Poe

I love this quote... I'm loving today's weather... I didn't feel the earthquake... It is my Friday... and most of all I'm ready for tomorrow, and whatever comes with it ♥

Yes, there was an Earthquake in central Oklahoma last night at about 10:53, a 5.6 magnitude! I know it's not that big, but we're not used to that kinda stuff down south. It was felt all throughout North Texas! Meaning here in Fort Worth & Dallas, and everything in between. It was even felt all the way up to St Louis.

(*o*) <---- That's my woooOooooh face. Crazy huh?!? They say A series of quakes, the largest being a 4.8, shook the same area overnight Friday. All I can say is - I didn't feel anything, I was working <- Lame :| lol Photobucket

03 November, 2011

Monday seems far, far away. . .

Monday is the day. . .

I'm not exactly sure how I feel. I mean. . . there are hundreds of things I'm feeling, but I feel mostly numb to the situation now. I haven't given up, there is secretly a crap load of hope sitting inside of me. I feel that hope differently each day. I'm just keeping a realistic approach so that I'm not blindsided, if that makes sense.

I am proud of myself for not breaking down, and going in this week for an ultrasound. Monday, and Tuesday were very difficult. . . I wanted to call, and go in so badly, yet somehow I managed to pick up the phone, and schedule the appointment for the next week... Monday at 9:30 is the day our lives will either be crushed, or consumed with amazing joy.

I've continued to be a recluse, no answering of phone calls, and no getting out of the house to visit people, basically I've been in a depressed state of mind, I haven't done housework, laundry... absolutely nothing, but sitting around watching movies. *sigh* I told Josh if this ends badly, that I'm going to drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine or vodka. . . And, I'm not even joking. Yes, I've proabbly made this harder on myself in some peoples eyes, but explaining to everyone I see what's going on is torture, because people are going to ask, and that's not their fault. People don't really know what to say, so making it so no one has to ask is easiest, for me and everyone else.

The viability of this pregnancy is the 1st and last thought on my mind each day. Some days I feel pregnancy symptoms, some day's I do not. Some days I feel good about the situation and other days I feel hopeless. . . Monday can't come fast enough, yet I'm scared to death. . .

29 October, 2011

Feeling un-Halloweeny

Halloween is days away, and this is the first year in a very long time that I could care less about it :| Halloween is my all-time favorite festive day of the year :( How depressing am I, lol. Josh, and I dressed the dogs up in costumes the other day, it put a smile on my face! I decorated a pumpkin several weeks back with Anna, but that's the extent of my Halloween-ness this year. I'm such a Debbie-Downer. Humph...

So, the waiting continues. . . no news is good news, I guess.

I've been okay maintaining my thoughts and feelings. I've still been avoiding all my friends, phone calls and such. I'm sorry for this but, it's just to hard to casually talk about right now. I'm teetering on the edge of insanity Errrr. Yesterday, I woke up pissed off, angry, sad, depressed, and anxious. . . I felt so much emotion, that it was impossible to get away from, I just had to feel it, every effing ounce of it, no escape. I was depressed all day, cried before work, made it through work, cried the entire way home, and then some more at home with Josh. I really don't know how I'd make it without him ♥

On a side note...

I have a spot on my butt cheek the size of a nickle, a spot on my toe, and a small spot on my nose that are strange, flaky, red, itchy, and not bug bites bites. They don't seem to be going away, or getting better. These did not show up until the last few weeks. Several years ago I had a spot on my skin that would not go away and my dermatologist said it was Morphea, which is also known as localized lupus. With the sudden appearance of these new spots, I did a little investigating online, and I am curious if these new spots have anything to do with Lupus. I've never thought I had it before, never asked, never really knew much about it, but I think I may ask Dr. Laura what she thinks. It's odd that they would just now show up, during such a stressful time.

Someone can just shoot me now, so I'll stop freaking out about stupid crap... I really wouldn't mind, hahaha.

Happy Halloween Everyone!

26 October, 2011

Living on hope & prayers

My heart feels like it's been cracked open, my thoughts are heavy, and my mind is desperately trying to hang onto hope in any way possible.

We are living on hopes and prayers. . .

I wish I could say things are better, but they are not better, and yet. . . they are not worse.

We are stuck in a moment of time that is relentless, truthful, and raw.

Yesterday, we could barley see embryo/baby/tiny little bean... *tear* I'm still growing, but very slowly. It looks like I'm behind in growth basically by a week or so at least. We could not get a good measure of the heartbeat, or the crown to rump length. But, Josh and I both saw it. . . It was effing there. . . beating and clinging on to life for us. It was there, trying to survive. I felt so sad, knowing that it was struggling. It was still there and that's what matters to me right now.

Dr. Laura said the heartbeat seemed erratic, this measurements are off, and that it looked like the pregnancy was not going to progress much further, that I would probably miscarry within the next few weeks, or I could have a missed-miscarriage, if my body doesn't get the hint, as to what's going on. I don't go back until around the 2nd week of November... I'm going to keep praying to any, and all Gods that are listening, I will pray, and cling to my scattered hope. I really have no choice, because the odds seemed stacked against us. *sigh*

It's useless to ask - Why!?!?!? But for some reason it seems appropriate when you're crying your eyes out, and snot is running down your face.

I'm going to be honest. . . Yesterday, I didn't even expect to see a baby, or heartbeat. Our last appointment had be shaking in my boots and I thought for sure it was over. Secretly, I made peace with it, within myself, accepted, and prepared myself for the worst outcome. I was shocked to see a heartbeat. I did not cry on my way out of the office, but later in the evening I started rehashing everything she said in the office; I started to feel anxious, and cried later in the evening. . . several times. I've teared up a few times today thinking about it, or having to explain it to anyone, even though I have my hope, it still sucks ass, and makes me sad. . . Why is this happening. My hear is breaking as we speak. . .

I asked Dr. Laura many, many questions. She has to be as honest as possible, and that's the hard part for her :| She has been there with us through this whole thing, in fact everyone on staff has. They are only 4, but they are a great team of 4 woman. who feel our pain, and that creates a certain bond. I could tell she felt emotional telling us everything, I could sense that she probably could have cried herself, if she didn't have to maintain the professional composure. I asked about angles, my tilted uterus; I reaching for hope in any way possible. She agreed that there are always miracles out there, things that don't fall into the statistical realm of normal. Things happen all the time that they can't explain, or predict. The amount of Data out there, to compare stuff to is incredibly low when it comes to infertility research. From the info and scans, she leans more towards a miscarry, although that's not to say it's 100% until I actually have a miscarriage. Basically, I still have a baby, because we have a heartbeat. That is hope to me!!

I'll either start to bleed, and have a miscarriage over the next few weeks, or I'll go back in a few weeks and have a baby and a heartbeat. If we go back and see nothing, I'll have a D n C, or take the vaginal medication to induce miscarriage.

I'm not going to lie. . . I'm scared shitless. I've had a miscarriage before :( Right now I can't imagine having to do that again. I still feel all my pregnancy symptoms. Waiting this out will be torture, but I will gladly do it that means I will be privileged to carry this baby.

Yesterday, I told Josh I didn't want to do this again. . . He said I was just upset, and didn't mean it. Part of me did mean it. This pain is very deep, and hard to maintain on an everyday level. I have to admit that he is mostly right, because I always said we do it at least twice. And, we will. We will do it a second time if things do not turn out. After that we are done... Done. We would never be able to afford IVF, there is no guarantee it would even work, and I can't live life on this roller coaster. Josh has been amazing, he would do what ever I wanted, but I can't do this to him either... This has been the most painful journey to walk down, and I would not wish it upon anyone. Not even my worst enemy.

Dr. Laura offered to let us do a chromosomal test, if this ends badly. To find out if we are have a bigger problem. I really appreciate the offer. Basically we could have a problem that will never allow us to have a successful pregnancy, so rather then continue to throw money at fertility treatments, we could make a decision about our lives, begin to move on, grieve and heal... if that's even possible. It feels so unfair. I hate this feeling more than anything in the world.

I wanted to say Thank you to everyone who's said prayers, sent vibes, sent messages and sent love. I appreciate you, your support and for reading along through this crazy time. It means more than I can express with words.

23 October, 2011

Pushing yourself through the day...

It is finally Sunday (my Friday), and I am doing better than I was...

Yesterday I started to laugh a bit more, I forced myself to catch up on shows that have been collecting, I watered the plants on my patio, I avoided most friend and human contact. I felt cooped up, but could not bring myself to do a single productive thing other than the watering of the plants, and only because Josh insisted. Josh has remained optimistic, and hopeful about the whole situation; which helps me a great deal. I still have moments where, if I stop, and really think about it, I get sad with fear, and tears fill my eyes. I'm getting better. I continue to talk to my little bean at night, when I shower, take a bath, and when I'm alone. I rub my stomach, in hopes that my little bean will feel my touch, and know that I'm here for it. My prayers are that his/her little heartbeat is beating faster and faster each day.

I emailed Bart and Sheila, told my Grandmother, and Brother about what's going on and my friend Sarah. I've kept this news relatively quiet for the most part. Yesterday, my Brother called me up to say a prayer over the phone, wow. My Brother, and his continued sobriety is truly a Gift from the God's above. It felt so strange being on the other end with my brother, usually I'm the one consoling him, telling him it will be okay, that God is looking out for him, or talking him through difficult times. Yesterday he was that for me, and I appreciated it more than my words can express.

I called the Fertility office on Friday morning, and asked for my ultrasound to be moved up to Tuesday, since I'm off and Josh is off. I have have absolutely no sick time left since I had to have surgery back in July, so trying to get through all of this with no sick time is really proving to be difficult. I'm so anxious right now, it feels like I have a brick sitting in my gut. I'm remaining calm, cool and collected, for the most part... but there is this small part of me going crazy with each passing hour. The "unknown" is torturous, *sigh*. I'll be glad when Tuesday comes so we'll know more about which direction this is all heading.

Regardless of what happens I know we will survive. . .

21 October, 2011

Hanging on by a tiny thread of emotion.

Many tears have fallen in the last 24 hours :|

**The Good**

Josh and I, went in yesterday for a sonogram to see the heartbeat! We were so excited!! We saw and heard it, our eyes were bright, and our hearts were happy and fluttering; it was probably the most amazing feeling ever *sigh*.

**The Bad**

The heartbeat was only 65 bpm, meaning very slow. It was so tiny, like a little lightning bug flashing at us... but Dr. Laura said it should be above 100. "This is concerning" she said with a very serious face. Like the morning I woke up spotting, my heart fell out of my chest once again. I couldn't even look at Josh until she left the room, because I knew the flood gates were about to open. We sat in her office, and had a very serious discussion about everything that could happen, it was the most depressing conversation I've ever had. Even though all hope is not lost, because there is a heartbeat, I felt completely defeated by the seriousness of our discussion. I was miles away, as Josh would say. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

*The Ugly** (the unstoppable emotions)

This is not good, and there is no sugar coating it. I keep trying to come up with reasons of - why, but they are not there. I'm currently begging the God's to continue smiling upon us, not to take away this dream that has landed in our laps. We have been waiting for so long, and worked so hard for where we are. I am devastated and heartbroken right now. I just don't know how to feel, I feel bad for being upset, because that's stressful to the baby, and I could cause more harm, but I'm hurting deep inside on an emotional level, and don't know how to balance out these feelings. I left the office yesterday feeling like at any minute I'll probably have a miscarriage. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread of pure emotion. I have to wait until next week to do another sono. I'm worried, yet trying to hang on to the slivers of hope floating randomly around in my head. I cried all evening last night, could not sleep at all, just tossed and turned, and have cried throughout this morning. I am trying to stay positive, I've been talking to my baby, asking it to hang on just a little longer... telling it how much I Love it, and what a cool Dad it has waiting on the outside. I feel so lost right now. I'm not ready for this to be over, the pain it too much after getting this far. *sigh* Come on Baby Bernard, you can do it!!!! We have faith in you!!!

If you pray... Say a prayer for us
If you send vibes... send some vibes our way
If you can... send positive thoughts my way
I'll take whatever you got, because my own supply of strength is very low at the moment.

14 October, 2011

Gotta wait a bit longer

*Yawn* Well it's Friday, and I just woke up from sleeping about 11 hours. It felt so amazing!

Josh and I went in on Tuesday morning for a sonogram, but we were not able to see the heartbeat. :/ I was pretty disappointed; which led to obsessive negative thoughts, fear and moodiness. hahah. Everything was exactly where it should have been, my yolk sac grew bigger, uterus was at the right size, my cervix was closed, and my HcG levels were right on. So we're waiting until next Thursday to go back!! I was only 5 weeks 7 days... 6 1/2 weeks is really a better time to see it, I've been told. I felt pretty bummed that entire day, but when Dr. Laura called the next day with my numbers I felt tons better, I also emailed Jencia, and asked if not seeing the heartbeat was normal... she calmed my nerves too and said it's very normal. :) I am anxious to see this tiny little life that's currently inside of me, jacking my nutrients and making me sleepy, lol. Josh was great during the sonogram! His eyes got so bright, and I could feel the vibrations of excitement resonating off his body. Every time he saw the little tiny thing inside the sac, he'd unknowingly squeeze my arm or shoulder, he'd get this huge grin on his face, and when we didn't see the heartbeat; he reassured me that he could see everything that he needed to know everything was fine. lol!

Like I said in the beginning... It's Friday, I just slept for 11 hours and I feel great! I feel every bit of pregnant I could possibly feel at this point. My breast are still a size bigger, and sore, my appetite fluctuates day to day; more like hour to hour. I sleep a lot, I cry and become moody all the sudden, and my pants don't button, hahaha. So I'm not fretting one bit until Thursday. I've still had some spotting here and there, but that's only because of the small hemorrhage next to where my sac implanted... So that doesn't scare me anymore, and I'll probably have spotting until it goes away completely or my body absorbs it! I'm currently feasting on a bowl of cut up strawberries, blueberries and raisins. I thought I was going to be totally cool and healthy, and have them with organic plane yogurt, but my lord was I wrong... I. HATE. YOGURT. The taste is horrid. I thought maybe I'd be able to give it a try, that maybe my taste buds had changed enough for me to like it, and I was totally wrong.

We got our sweet Daisy spayed a few days ago. I felt kinda bad inside taking away her chance to have puppies :| She came into heat, and was driving our Teddy & Scruffy to the brink of insanity. Next, we'll have to get Mr. Scruffy Man fixed! I swear he would have tried to get the wall pregnant if he could have. Hahaha. Natural instinct is so darn strong sometimes.

I dreamed of my old friend Sarah last night. It's been a while since she visited my dreams. About a month ago, Anna and I decided to go see her Mom! Shannon, said we should write Sarah a note, and leave it in her mailbox, since we can't just go next door like normal adults, and say Hi. So I did, we never heard anything from her. It hurt my feelings, I guess she truly is the one who doesn't want to be friends. That makes me sad inside. I've forever and always thought it to be her husbands choice, because that's how it was so long ago. He's the one who said we could not be friends. But now I'm really starting to just let go of the idea of ever having a friendship with her again. It is sad... because she was an awesome person. I feel bad that I was a wild child, and lost her friendship, but we're all grown adults now, so I don't understand why we can't act like adults, and move forward in life. More and more I feel less bad, and feel that it's her loss. I'm not going to beg for anyone to be my friend. Any-who... In my dream I was sitting in my living room, and I could see her at her Moms house, then all the sudden she was walking into my front door, she sat down with her daughter, and said "I asked if I could come over, and he said it was OK". That was pretty much it. See... very strange, hummm. It was nice to see her though... even if it was just a short dream :)

Have a swell day everyone ♥

07 October, 2011

Our little contamination is in there!!!

Today the Gods smiled upon me ♥ and I am smiling back.

I went in this morning at 9:30am for my first Sonogram...

And.... Everything looks Great!!! Our little "contamination" is in the right spot and growing fast! I go back on Tuesday to see the heartbeat! I am the happiest girl in the world today! I feel so extremely blessed... I don't even have words to describe the incredible feeling I have within me...


I'm crying as I type this, and let me tell you - they are the happiest tears I've ever cried and I can't stop. I go from crying to laughing, to crying back to laughing. I sobbed on the phone with my Brother and Grandma before even leaving the parking lot of the Fertility office.. lol It has been an amazing day and I am truly blessed beyond anything I could possibly imagine ♥


What a day... Make that two days.

Where do I start!?! Uggg. Yesterday was a very difficult day emotionally, today was okay, and I'm hoping for a better tomorrow.

***Warning - maybe a little TMI in the next paragraph***

Yesterday morning (wed) I had my alarm set for 5:20 to get up, get ready, and return to work from my vacation/family stuff. I woke up at 3am to pee, then again at about 4am to pee, only this time I notice blood when I wiped! I'm not talking a little spot, I'm talking bright red blood. My heart dropped out of my chest and hit the bathroom floor. I freaked out, and had a mini meltdown right there on the damned toilet. I ran into the living room crying my eyes out and sobbing like a crazy woman, I called the Fertility office, left a message with the answering service... they said she would be paged immedeatly. They were not lying either, it couldn't have been more than 3-5 minutes and Dr. Laura was on the phone, sounding as dead asleep as ever... poor thing, she really is such an awesome doctor. I wish she could be my doctor for everything. The first thing she told me was that bleeding is common, as long as you are not gushing, with blood running down your leg and filling your shoe. It doesn't mean it should be dismissed, only that it's common, or been known to happen. I described the intensity and all that junk - I wasn't having cramps, so she told me to come in for a blood draw to test my HcG levels. Dr. Laura spoke to me for a while on the phone reassuring me that for the moment I was okay, she was really honest about everything that could possibly happen. She made me feel more focused, and I started to calm down.

I called my Job and let them know that I had to go to my doctor right away, and could not be there at 7. This was my first day back :/ I did not even have a chance to tell them that I was pregnant. This wasn't the way I'd planned on telling them, but hey, shit happens.

I felt emotional and defeated. I could not believe what was happening, and I could not believe for one second that this wasn't a miscarriage. I had one before, I know what it's like... After making the necessary phone calls I stayed in the living room crying, asking "why"? And pleading through my sobbing tears "please don't let this be anything" "please let this be nothing". I asked the Gods to let me keep this happiness that has been shown to me... I cried, and cried, and said I could not live this this kind of sadness... I was desperate, I didn't want to lose what we have tried for so long to achieve. I dried my eye's as much as I could and went back to bed, Josh mumbled "are you going to work", I said "No I am going to go to the Dr. because I'm bleeding a little bit", he asked if I was okay, I said "yes" quietly, trying to remain calm. I needed to sleep. He rubbed my back softly, and didn't ask questions. I'm certain he was thinking about it, but didn't want to stress me out, because he got up a little later...it wasn't a long time, but I knew he was as worried as I was. I slept for a few hours and was off to the Fertility office with my stomach dragging on the ground behind me- I was so scared.

At the Fertility office Dr. Laura examined me, felt around and poked on my belly; she didn't want to do a sonogram, because she was afraid it would be a little too early to see the sac, and she didn't want me to get discouraged by that. I got hugs from everyone, Jenica even came into the room when Dr. Laura was done, she didn't say a word just opened the door and gave me a big hug. *sigh* I love them all... they are amazing woman with big hearts. I left the office, text my boss to say I wasn't going to make it in that I'd bring a doctors note, and keep him updated. I went home, curled up on the couch and waited for that call. Josh was very cautious with words, sweet and observant. I love him so much...

Coral called later in the day to say that my Beta was 2665!! The numbers are right where they should be. Dr. Laura gave me the option to come in on Friday morning(tomorrow)to do an ultrasound for location of the sac. I feel relieved that I will not have to wait through the weekend. I will be 5 weeks and 4 days, so that's pretty close to the 6week mark, we should hopefully be able to see something. I'll get to go back for another sonogram next Tuesday. Even if we don't see anything tomorrow! And if we do see something then we'll hopefully hear a heartbeat next Tuesday.

I have continued to spot, and bleed lightly throughout today. I feel better because it's not as bad as yesterday, but because it is still there my stomach feels nervous nonetheless... I'm not giving up hope!!!

30 September, 2011

#2 Beta is 372 :)

My Beta was great!! It went from 123 ---> 372 *sigh* I'm super happy, and Josh was very happy too! He pretty much sat there and stared at me the whole time I was on the phone with Coral, hehe. Just knowing the number went up gives us a great deal of hope! Our first Sonogram is on October 11th, it will mainly be to check the location of the sac. I'll be 6 weeks on that day, Eeek! Wow, it's still crazy to me. We are still being optimistic, and understand that anything could happen at this point, we are cautious yet so, soo happy! I continue to pee every hour on the hour in the mornings, and frequently throughout the day. lol

I am sad to report that Josh's Papa passed away this morning. I'm so grateful we had those moments with him... He will always be missed, and thought highly of, for generations to come <3
In the words of my Brother In-law - Joaquin Torrans:

Jug passed away this morning from a tumorous cancer near his spinal cord. He is survived by his wife, Gloria, their daughters, Irene, Sheila, and Kate, their husbands, Vernon, Bart, and Mark, 6 grandchildren, and 9 great-grandchildren.

Jug was a descendent of Jacob Ryan, town father of Lake Charles, LA, where Jug was born, lived, and raised his family. A World War II veteran, Jug worked thirty years for PPG.

Surrounded by family and friends, Jug met his end with dignity, in the home he and his wife shared for most of their married life.

Rest in peace, Papa Ryan <3 Photobucket

29 September, 2011

Nervousness ensues :|

I'm feeling so nervous about tomorrow :| ayi-yi-yie

My second Beta/HcG test is at 9am tomorrow, and I'll get the results back sometime in the afternoon (Friday). *shaking in my boots* I think I will probably feel sick until I get that call! The number needs to double from 123, or at least go up instead of down. I haven't been this nervous in a while, and I haven't been this nervous and pregnant so, I'm kinda freaking out a little bit in my head, lol. I'm cool though, for-real, just slightly dramatic at times :) I've been doing stuff all day to keep busy, and keep my mind off things, but now that I'm sitting down to relax, my mind automatically goes there, lol. I actually slept in until 10:00 this morning. For the last week I've been waking up starting at about 5am, and then I get up every hour to pee until I get up for good. I've always had a weak bladder so it comes as no surprise that "having to pee all the time" would be one of the "for-sure" symptom of pregnancy for me - lol. It does feel nice getting up earlier, so that's a plus. My boobs are still sore and heavy... Did I mention that my husband can't keep his eyes or hands off of them?!?! He's been very sweet - *sigh*, I can tell he is so happy and excited about this ♥

My fingers crossed for a Fabulous Beta tomorrow!!

28 September, 2011

Beta - No, not the fish.

"It's Fucking Positive" <---- Yesss, I know it's such bad language, but those were my exact words, and I feel that when you've waited as long as I have for this, you deserve to drop a few F-Bombs here and there. lol I'm Pregnant!! It's crazy and still feels unreal... *****If you read this blog, and/or are on my Facebook, please do not make any comments on my page or wall - It's means a lot*****

Some may ask why I'm blogging so early about this and the truth is... I choose to share here, because I honestly only have a few followers, I like to blog in real time (when things actually happen), just in-case things don't go smoothly, I still capture the realness of my life in blog-form. Plus, I can't not blog about this... my life is being written right now, and that is the beauty of my blog - It is real, honest, and a little raw sometimes! Since I do have people that have been reading, and following, I didn't want to leave anyone hanging. I truly appreciate everyone's support through this journey! We've told our closest family, and a few close friends. (If you have not been told verbally and see it here I'm sorry- please don't take offense) It's hard trying to keep this a secret since everyone has been following along in our journey, and everyone pretty much knows when I start these days, lol! We are so happy and so freaking excited ♥

:How it went down:

I pulled up my big girl panties, and peed on the stick yesterday (27th & The Hub's Birthday) morning. I woke up at about 7:15 in the morning, got up to go pee, Josh was stumbling into the bathroom as I was stumbling out. He looked at my hand, and said "What's that"? I mumbled half asleep "The stupid pregnancy test, I'm going to set it on the dresser and wait" So there I am, sitting on our hotel room's chaise lounge, sitting as far away from the test as possible, thinking the worst lol. Josh is on the "John", I try to wait, but get so anxious that I can't wait any longer! I walk up to the dresser like I'm ready to fight it, I look down, see two lines, my mouth drops, my heart may have even skipped a beat - I am in complete shock, I feel elated, and nervous. Finally after 6 years we see a faint line, where I've for so long seen absolutely nothing. I starred at the test, put it up to the lamp to make sure I wasn't just seeing it in my head... I opened the bathroom door, shove my arm in with the test in hand, and scream "It's fucking positive" I can see Josh in the mirror, he looks confused... Then he laughed, and repeated my words to his self "it's fucking positive", he looked about as shocked, and surprised as I did. After barging in on him I went back to the chaise lounge, only this time I had the test right in front of me on the table... I just sat there and cried the happiest tears I have ever cried. When he came out of the bathroom, he looked at it more then gave me a huge hug :)

We are still in shock; a happy shock in all, but now we've moved on from the excited shock to the nervous two week wait that now begins. In about two weeks maybe a few days sooner, I'll go in for a sonogram to check and see if we can see the sac in the uterus, and make sure it's not in a tube or elsewhere :/ That would be devastating. I'm considered a very high risk for an ectopic pregnancy, so right now I don't think we'll be able to fully breath until we can see where it is... This morning I went in to the Fertility office at 9am, to get my first Beta/HCG test. It was great because Coral just got new pregnancy tests in, and offered to let me be a guinea pig and test them out for free, hehehe. All three, two urinary, and 1 blood test, came out positive!!! On Friday morning I'll go back into the office, and have the test (Beta/HCG) done again (48 hours later). They want to make sure the number doubles from today. Eeeek! I still can't believe I'm even typing this... I feel like an "impostor", hehe. The second test will let them know that it's progressing the right way, that cells are dividing, and it will also kind of helps us determine if it's in the right location...if the number doesn't change. I'm so happy, and so darn nervous that I could once again, throw up, hahaha.

Jenica just called --- Eeeeek!!! My BETA is 123... I asked if that was good, she said "That's fantastic" *sigh* My heart, and brain are on cloud nine - ♥

26 September, 2011

Great Papa & The end of the 2WW

I'm sitting here in our Hotel room watching, and listening to my husband snooze away pretty hard core! The room is dark, chilly and quiet... I like it. He's had a difficult last few days. We went to lunch after spending the morning with his Papa, he had 4 beers, and the waitress gave him a shot on the house. She was really sweet, and full of Louisiana charm. I'm enjoying the quiet time right now, and I'm glad to know he's actually sleeping, whether it's alcohol induced or not, he hasn't slept well the last few nights. Besides, Josh has never been a big drinker so I don't mind if he indulges a little more right now, give the situation. He has never lost anyone really... I mean maybe a few great aunts and great uncles, but all of his Grandparents are still currently living.

We travel to Lake Charles, Louisiana about once a year to see all of Josh's family. We originally had a trip planed the first week of October (next week) Josh's Mom called Thursday to say we may want to travel to Lake Charles sooner rather then later, because His Papa ("Jug" - George Washington Ryan III), was sent home with Hospice care, and not expected to have much time left. We drove down on Friday, and have been over everyday since we got here. This morning seemed hard for him. It's strange to watch someone go, and even more difficult to fully explain all the emotions that run though your mind. Josh was by his side, and held his hand all morning. He's not even really my Papa by blood, but it brings tears to my eyes at times, and reminds me of when I had to let go of my own Papa so long ago :/ Jug has lived such a long and full life, he has been such a great example of a human being to all that he meets, all his children and grandchildren. I think just watching my husband hold back tears of his own sadness in order to be strong for his now weak Papa, is really what makes me cry. It's a softer side of Josh that I forget is there. Josh, like most men, doesn't show his emotions often, yet somehow I can always tell when he's fighting to keep a straight face. *sigh* I only feel sad for everyone's heart, and how much they will truly miss him when he is no longer here, he's always been such a funny guy :) He is moving onto a new journey... To say it is unfair for him to go, would be an inappropriate statement, because he was blessed with 93, relatively healthy years of life that involved family, laughter and true friendships... He is a great man, or as Miranda would say he is "Great Papa"!

On a fertility note - Tomorrow is exactly two weeks since the actual IUI.. Eeeek!!

The last 4 mornings as soon as I wake up I want to immediately take a PG test, but somehow I have managed to control myself. How?!?! Probably only because we are not home, and we have everything else going on to keep my mind off that particular subject. If you were to ask me a week ago if I thought it worked, I would have said yes, if you ask me yesterday I would have said no, if you ask me now, I'd say maybe. My brain is going to explode soon - Humph... I hate this whole waiting part. My nips are still tender, I have not felt nauseous like I did with the apple those two days in a row, but I have felt tired...ugh - who knows. Everyone here in Lake Charles has been looking curiously at me, and asking me things like "is there a baby in there" or "Any News" - Ahhhhh. I can feel them all wondering, hehe.

Tomorrow (Josh's 31st Birthday) I'm taking a PG test for sure! I've had two of them stashed in my purse for over a week and half now, lol. I'm so nervous about taking taking them I could throw up, and I just know my heart will be broken if I get a negative :/ The first morning I woke up and wanted to take one, I got up to go pee had the stick in hand and then put it back up, I went back to bed, fell into a light sleep, and dreamed that I peed on a PG test and got two lines... When I woke up, I was so happy and excited, lol I thought it was a sign! Everything these day's is a sign. If we did get knocked up we'll have a June Baby! Neither Josh or myself has family with a June Birthday :) That's my sign this time around... hahahaha Like I said, there is always a sign when you are TTC. So yes, test tomorrow... I kind of want to wait until either I'm late (by wed) or until we are home from Louisiana before testing, so I don't have to be sad and depressed here, or overjoyed and unable to share my news. I don't know that announcing a pregnancy when someone is passing on, is an appropriate time for that kinda thing, but I can't take the waiting any longer. And I'm not going to share with the world, but I will with my family because they have been with us every step of the way!! They pretty much know when I start now, hahaha

Tomorrow my period is due! I'm pretty sure if I am pregnant it would show up on a test, I don't really feel like I'm going to start tomorrow; so I'm going to pull up my big girl panties, and pee on the damn stick. If it's negative, then it's negative... I will be sad, I will want to crawl into a hole and not come out for a week, I will hate my body, I will hate everything, but once I cry it all out, I will move forward, and get over it with time. I am ready! And, we will try again if this round didn't work. I honestly don't think I've been this nervous about taking a pregnancy test, since that very first round of Clomid. My cycle was way late, I tested and tested - nothing... I was broken hearted, and tortured with fake pregnancy symptoms, only to find out it was a cyst that eventually ruptured. *sigh* - Waiting is such a sucky process, haha. I don't want those feelings of sadness, and loss of hope to come back, and steal away my excitement... Ahhhhh I'm ready to just - let it be

My fingers, eye's, toes and legs are crossed for two lines in the morning. *please, oh please, oh... please with sugar on top - let this be our month*!!


17 September, 2011


Okay.. So I'm starting to obsess a little bit. Hahahha

This morning I woke up like I always do, got my glass of water, ate my apple, then took my vitamins. Then 15 minutes later my stomach started to hurt, this time I threw everything up, vitamins and apple. Hummmmm. My nips are still super sensitive. I'm going to ask Coral on Tuesday, what's the earliest time I can test. *Fingers crossed*

Have a great weekend everyone!!

IUI & The 2ww *tapping fingers*

Soooo, Josh and I got the IUI done on Tuesday morning September 13th (Sarah's birthday) !! It was an emotional morning to say the least... even though we scrubbed the floor the day before, we were each still feeling a little tense and on edge that morning. So it was another tear filled morning of stressed emotions, hurt feelings, and overemotional-whackness, haha. I'm laughing because while we waited for his "ammunition" to be washed and counted, we sat in the waiting room of the ART's office quietly bickered back and forth. The lady behind the window closed the glass when I turned in the paperwork, I think she knew we needed a few minutes of alone time by the look on my face. It didn't even phase her, I'm sure she's seen this time and time again. Tears are streaming down my face, my nose was stopping up, and all I could think was "Good lord, I don't want them to see me like this, what if they think we can't handle this". Lucky for us no one else was in the waiting room, and by the time we were handed the "ammunition", and walked down the hall to the fertility office, I began to cease crying all together, I needed to suck it up and stop being a sap because, this was not the way I wanted to remember *The day we may or may not have gotten knocked up* - I guess either way I'll remember it. Ughhh. I hate feeling out of control, when my only response to everything is crying - I curse you Letrozole, I need you, but you are evil, very evil... hummphhh :/

Once we were in the Fertility office I started feeling better, more excited, I guess you could say. I wanted to be happy, I hated that my body was at the peak of this emotional roller-coaster, and all I could feel was craziness. Jenica was not there, which normally I would have been sad about, but since my face was all red and puffy from crying; I decided it was a good thing she wasn't there that day. Coral immediately said, "are you okay" when she saw me, I laughed, said it was a bit of an emotional morning, but that I was okay, and we were okay, just ready to get going. She's so sweet... I guess we're probably not the only "emotional" couple they've seen. I mean it is a fertility office ,and we are being pumped with drugs that cause us imbalances. Hahaha, we have nothing to worry about! (That's what I tell myself to feel better, lol) Josh and I got situated in the little room that I always seem to be in. I had to drop my drawers, and wait on the table with a little paper sheet tucked all around me, those things are never big enough. Josh just kind of sat there watching my every move, very quite, and intermittently starring at the floor. I wondered what was going through his head as he watched me tuck my panties under my neatly folded jeans, only to shove all of that under my purse, pull out a magical pair of socks, and slap them puppies on my feet faster than you could blink - My feet get really cold in those stirrups, plus my toes were looking a little rough, so it's best to just bring socks. If he understood the way's of the woman, he would have saw me as a pro that day :) Dr. Laura came in and asked if everything was okay, she knew I had been upset by my puffy face. This time Josh and I both laughed, I could feel the tension leaving our bodies, I said it sucks that I can never hide if I've been crying because, my face, and eyes stay red for at least a good 30 minutes after being tearful. We talked about my symptoms from the Letrozole, the hot-flashes, headaches and emotional craziness - She said the meds were probably working really well, since I was "feeling" so much, which made me happy... and made all of us laugh. Dr. Laura is great, she understand the emotions that we feel and she makes Josh feel just as important! In this situation men are greatly affected too, it's hard knowing how to comfort that and recognize it.

The IUI process didn't take long at all; basically it was like a long and really intense pap-smear, lot's of pressure, but completely painless. She got the ammunition/swim team ready, then asked Josh if he wanted to do the injection part! His eye's got really bright, and he said "Do I get to look", with much excitement in his voice, I felt slightly like an lab animal, lol. At the same time I was truly happy inside that he didn't hesitate to do it *sigh* - That's my Pnut! He had 2 Hands in it that day (inside joke, hehe) I stayed there on the table for a bit, then we were free to go. And...Baam!!! - Just like that we may have made a baby. *giggle* Wow... I would seriously piss myself if this works and I'm not joking... I've got a weak bladder from the Endo, hahaha.

When we left the clinic there was a certain relief that overcame both of us, it was so peaceful compared to what were feeling in the days leading up to this. The hard part was over. He could breath, and finally go home to take that nap he wanted so badly, and I could stop obsessing over whether or not I timed the LH surge right. IUI's are all about timing. Once we got home I had to do something to keep my mind from thinking too much about it. That is soo stressful and I hate obsessing. I finished painting a tree in the bathroom that I've been working on for, ohhhhh.. a few months now. Well, actually I painted the trunk part and stopped, it looked pretty ridiculous without branches. I was feeling very motivated after the IUI!! I did the tree, and also put up my painted letters in the kitchen that I'd painted the day before. It felt really nice to be crafty and to actually finish a project I had started.

I'm currently at 5-DPI (5 Days Past Insemination)!! I have to go back into the office on Tuesday to get a progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. I'm pretty certain that I did... The two week mark, is the Tuesday after that, which is also Josh's Birthday. Hehehe. It makes me giggle. I've had a few "phantom" symptoms that could point to pregnancy, but in all honesty it's waaaay to early to tell. Plus my body and mind is in-tune to any slight change, so I'm noticing everything. The one symptom I'm having, but I don't always get, is the "sore nipples", I got this with my very first round of Clomid, but never had it on the other 3 rounds. I also took my vitamins this morning and they made me feel sick for about 5 minutes. I was getting ready for work when my stomach started to feel sick, and I felt like I could taste the vitamins... but then it was gone. I've been taking these vitamins for a year now and they've never made me feel that way. Ayi yi-yi - So you see, I could totally freak out on these feelings, but I can't... until I take a HPT and get a positive line, I'm not going to allow myself to obsess over every little feeling I get. It's not healthy for me because, then my body will start producing all types of symptoms just to mess with me, that is theeee worst. I've been there, done that, felt that, and don't plan to wade in that deep just yet :)

This evening we had our first rain in months, *sigh* - It has been so long in fact, that I don't even remember the last time it rained. It was a downpour, gloriously gloomy downpour, and I loved it. When I got home from work, Josh said that Teddy also looooved the rain, that it took 2 towels to dry him off :) Teddy is fitting in nicely with our little family, and starting to look like a healthy dog once again! We are so glad he found us ♥ Tomorrow night I'm going out to Celebrate my very good friend Sarah's Birthday!! We've celebrated every Birthday together since 21.. We are only 6 months apart in age and she's the older one, lol. I can't wait to go out, and be a Designated Driver!! It's so strange going out and not having a drink. I'm totally cool with it, but it's still odd sometimes, *giggle* I feel really good about this month!