23 December, 2010

Sometimes all you need is a good long cry.

I feel so much better this morning.. *sigh*

Yesterday was a very emotionally difficult day. I cried all the way home from work..my radio is on the outs so it was silent and I knew that the flood gates would just open as soon as I shut the car door. I dried up a bit before going inside..Josh was very sweet. I love him for that! He didn't bombard me with silly words like "it will happen when it happens" or " If it's meant to be" He just simply sat there and looked at me with soft eyes and let me cry. He came over and hugged me and held me while I sobbed into his shoulder.. That was exactly what I needed from him and nothing more. We really are in tune with one another in moments where we are our weakest. I watched a movie and made a 1am trip to wal-mart. Luckily it wasn't that crowded...considering its only two days away from Christmas. After that...my tears were pretty much dried up for the day. I went to bed late and got up around ten this morning. I called my doctor to let them know I started my cycle...boooo!! I always talk to my doctors nurse, Susan..she is a very sweet woman. She herself went through years of fertility treatment and now has a little boy..so she definitely understands all the things I'm feeling right now and its comforting to talk with someone who has been through it. They are going to let me do a few more months of Clomid. I asked her if it was a waste of time to continue with the Clomid. She looked over Josh's swim team analysis. He has a 95.5 million sperm, he has strong concentration 75 million, and 45% motility which has to be 25% or higher, she listed other levels which were all good too but I can't remember them all..so everything but the Morphology is good it's only 2% and should be at least 4% or higher. With such a high count of total sperm even with just a 2% morph..that should still give him at least a few million good ones. I have been ovulating great this whole time and my progesterone levels have been really high 26 last month and 16 this month so that is really good. So after talking with her I decided to go ahead and do a couple more rounds of the Clomid. Last night I was over it and ready to throw the towel in and run away scared so this morning I felt good asking her to go ahead and call the prescription in. After a month or two they will write up the referral for the Reproduction Endocrinologist. I think we would have more luck doing the IUI. We'll see..she told me when I see the RE they will do some pretty extensive testing. So we may also discover another reason why we're not getting pregnant. *Sigh* what a bumpy journey we are on. I have to work today and then I'm off for Christmas Eve and Christmas day..thank the Gods! lol

Merry Christmas everyone and I hope you are all blessed with a fabulous New Year..so hard to believe its going to be 2011.

22 December, 2010


Clomid was definitely not the miracle drug for us :( I was really hoping this month would have been it for us… I figured it would have made the most wonderful Christmas present. But instead I sit here with tears in my eye’s wondering if this will ever happen for us. I’m angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated..and a little broken inside. I woke up this morning and took a pregnancy test and it was a BFN. I immediately went back to bed, and then got up in the most depressed mood and then the cramps started. So…no bun in the oven for us this time. My heart feels extremely heavy and every time I think of it my eye’s start to tear up, it crushes my heart every time. I’m at work currently and just wish I could go cry in the bathroom until it’s time to go home. I will probably cry the entire way home. I will feel better when I can just cry it all out… I’m glad I found out today rather then Christmas day…that was my original plan…to take the test on that day. I decided today that I’d rather be depressed before Christmas not on that day. I’m mad and sad…and frustrated…that I had to deal with all those stupid hot flashes for nothing…ugh! I hate this. I’m tried of people saying “be patient, it will happen when it happens” It’s so easy for women who already have babies to say that. I know it’s not their fault…it just stings because I’ve been patient for several years already. I know people are just tying to be nice and supportive... and I guess there is really nothing anyone can say to make it okay. I need a strong drink after today.

21 December, 2010

Total lunar eclipse on the Winter solstice..

Around 12:45 this morning I posted up outside with a camera to catch the total Lunar eclipse. To top it off..it fell on the winter solstice. That hasn't happened since the 1600's. It is always such an awesome thing to see with your own eyes. Josh stayed with me outside until just after it started :) he set the camera up for me..so sweet! The dogs hung out with me and by the end of the night my butt was cold from sitting on the ground and my neck was sore from staring up at the sky..lol. It was well worth it though..such a beautiful sight to see.

Happy Winter Solstice!!

Christmas Lights

Josh and I went to downtown Fort Worth off of west 7th and saw the LED Christmas lights!! They were amazing..it felt like we were in wonderland :)

10 December, 2010

Exactly what my heart needed to see..

I was lucky enough to happen upon a most beautiful Sunset

It is exactly what my heart and soul needed to see..in order to get me through this week..

Ready for a better week!

It's quite possibly been the most stressful last two weeks I've had in a while.

My brother is dealing with a family crisis. It's a messy child custody thing. Chester and Teresa (his wife) go to court on the 14th.. My brother was abusing drugs when Arthur was born and cps got involved. A family friend stepped into to take the baby until he got his crap together. He did really well for a while and then relapsed. Cps was called again... Now he's been sober for 6 months, taken drug rehab classes, goes to weekly and sometimes daily NA & AA meetings.. He's trying hard to stay sober.. The family friend is suing my brother for custody of Arthur. They would have limited visitation and have to pay child support. My brother can't afford a lawyer and he went to the legal aid of Fort Worth...but they would not take his case. We are hoping when he appears in court that they will appoint him an attorney. He has all of his paperwork and stuff he's been collecting to state his case. It's so sad.. My brother really screwed up and everyone is suffering because of it.. We are hoping they don't lose, they've done everything CPS has asked of them, passed all drug tests...it's a very overworked system. With no lawyer it's going to be difficult. Hopefully they will only appoint her custody for 3-6 months..and during that time as long as my brother continues to work, and stay sober maybe they will have a better chance at getting him back and settling all of this. It's so hard on every one's emotions..very stressful and frustrating because there is nothing we can do. I can't really step in and take him because she's already had him for 6 months if you add up all the time. I hope my brother truly realizes that the rest of his life has to be different then what he's chosen for his self in the past. :( It really breaks my heart. I wonder if my brother will ever be able to fully step up to the plate and take care of this child that needs his parents. It reminds me of what my brother and I went through when we were children. It hurts. I try and have faith that he will be responsible and stay sober.. He has a good heart..he's not a bad person..just makes really selfish decisions that hurt other people. I pray for him.

My dad has been in the hospital.. My dad is an alcoholic, has had 4 strokes and has chronic liver disease. Alcohol will be the death of my father. I've already come to terms with that..but it certainly doesn't make it any easier to deal with. He went in over the weekend with sever abdominal pains, and he's had diarrhea for a month solid. Liquid shits basically. He's been throwing up and he's losing weigh everywhere but his huge stomach. Something somewhere isn't right. So they are running tests, and doing scans trying to control the problems. He always says "Oh I'm going to quit drinking" but he won't. I love him either way..I just wish he realized what he's putting us all through. He's selfish and only cares about his own pain and woes. Little does he see that his son Chester needs a male figure..a freaking Father to support him through what he's dealing with right now..But he's to blind to know or see that all we require from him is love..and love for his self. I'm going to visit him in the morning. Last night I talked to the nurse and she said they were planning on keeping him a few more days. I hope they are able to figure something out. I get nervous. My co-worker Steve is in the hospital too. He has a massive build up of fluid around his heart. Poor guy. He came into work on Tuesday for the Front Desk meeting and when he walked in his face was swollen..it looked like he gained 30 pounds overnight.

I really hope next week is a little less stressful..lol. Court will be on Tuesday of next week and I also go for my progesterone test to make sure I ovulated. This is the last month of Clomid *hope it works* We are in the "wait and see if it worked" phase right now. My fingers are crossed :) I'm trying not to let myself get too stressed out over everything that is going on with my family...because it doesn't help when you're trying to put a bun in the oven. hahaha! Work alone has been busy with the Holiday season upon us. We've had lots of events, party's and tea's. It really keeps us on our toes!! We are going to have our annual Ashton holiday party next Friday. I'm excited :) Still hard to believe Christmas is only a few weeks away. It would be totally awesome if we got another white Christmas..haha! Last year was so pretty.

05 December, 2010

Oooh Mercury...

Mercury is about to go retrograde and I can definitely feel everything slowing down and becoming a little more intense. Mercury retrograde happens 3-4 times a year. Basically mercury slows down and then looks like it becomes stationary or that it's moving backwards but it is just and optical illusion. Mercury is the planet of communication also the ruling planet of Virgo an earth sign.  It seems like there are more miscommunication and delays during this time. Retrograde is also a period when you can step back and contemplate life and your surroundings more so then you normally do. It's a way to look back at things and understand why you did them..We get so busy with everyday life  that we don't take time to look things over..so Mercury's energy forces you to feel the things we've been putting on the back burner. If you're open minded and receptive this stuff (astrological influences) can really be beneficial to ones soul, in almost a spiritual way. I'm not super religious, although I respect religion as a whole. Astrology just makes the most sense and I understand the movements and energies of the planets better than most religions. Planets in Astrology tend to symbolize, activate and stir awareness I click with astrology! Josh pokes fun at me if I start jabbering about what planet is where and in what sign...but I think he understands that it means something real to me inside. So for this Mercury Retrograde I wish everyone to have peaceful moments of solitude and quiet reflection. Mercury goes retrograde December 10th - December 29 in the signs of Capricorn and Sagittarius. Earth and fire :)

The Winter solstice is not far away! I'm really excited because Wooky and Jen will be getting Married that day!!

01 December, 2010

A November Sunset

A November Sunset

I haven't had the urge to drag out my paint and brushes lately ( as in many..many months)..but yesterday I did and It felt deeply cleansing in some way. Peaceful..with just myself, my paint and my thoughts. I was proud that I finished. Over the last year my art has had some difficulty flowing freely..and when I would start something I wouldn't finish it.. So this is good.. hehehe. Josh was napping, the dogs were napping..and of course the cat was napping. I was extremely bored with tons of housework that needed to be done yet I didn't want to do any of it lol. So I pulled the chair up to the window of our office that faces west, I opened the blinds and gazed upon a beautiful sunset, it was as if the sun was singing an enchanting song and I was memorized by it's stunning warmth. The season is changing so fast now.. There are leaves everywhere! Just the other day when Sarah and I went on our evening walk and we were crunching as many leaves as we could along the way. It is still fun to act like a kid when every possible :) I just love the way the evening sun sets upon a cloudless sky and you see the deep hues of blue, green and orange..how there is no line between each new hue..only flawless beauty that spilled out into the sky and how the leave-less tree branches reach out to the sky to absorb the suns rays..one last time before day is gone *sigh*. Beauty is all around us