29 October, 2010

25 October, 2010

Clomid round 2 and Pumpkin Carving

October has officially arrived :) Today I met Misty and Jillian at a park in Fort Worth to carve pumpkins!! What a way to bring in the festivities of Halloween also known as "All Hallows Eve"..my favorite Holiday of all American celebrated Holidays. Christmas is for the kids, although I do love to decorate and I always have Christmas songs stuck in my head for the whole month of December and some of November.lol..Thanksgiving is for food and family..Halloween is for fantasy, fun and friends, sugar... I ♥ it. A pagan Holiday to be celebrate with joy, laughter and friends. Carving pumpkins today surrounded by strong feminine energy is just what I needed to keep me from the *funk*. It was a soulful coming together of souls traveling a similar path, an amazing sun warming our bodies and hearts, truly a beautiful Autumn day. Anna also came out to see me on Thursday and it too was just what the doctor ordered. We got dolled up and wend out for drinks downtown. I had the best night I've had in a long time. We got tipsy, smoked a bunch of cigg's(which probably not a good choice for the fertility department) on the patio of the Library and just talked about so much. It was very therapeutic and refreshing to get some stuff out of my head and in to the mind of someone I trust with my heart. I love her!! I sometimes can't believe I've known her for so long. Anna knows me so well..sometimes it's kind of scary haha in a good way tho..lol. I love having girl time too. I always try and escape over to Sarah or Jen's house when I don't have a good schedule to go out and see people who live far *gas is expensive :/ . They are also really good listeners and I just love them..I'm luck to have such awesome girlfriends in my life..I feel loved. After the last two weeks of being emotional I needed to let my walls down and speak about my heart and minds sadness and in a way grief... Infertility is very emotional and it's deep, it causes insecurities to rise from within and you are forced to face them and learn from them..or else you will not move on or grow from the experience. I could go on about how it makes me feel..but I want to be positive! Although it's hard to feel that way sometimes..it's not the end of the world. I just have to really be aware of my thoughts and try and understand them before freaking out. I start my second round of Clomid tomorrow..well actually today since it's about 2am. I'm excited to try again heheh I'm refreshed and positive and now that I've gone through the first month of it...I kind of know what to expect this second time. It was like a roller coaster ride the first month but I feel better now than a week ago. I was pretty frustrated and just bummed that this wasn't the month for us. My emotions were kind out of whack. I guess in the back of your mind you kind of think "well maybe this first month is all it will take" without realizing it you've gotten your emotions so caught up in the "what if" instead of just taking it "day by day". Ugh..that's a hell of a lot easier said then done..lol. The one thing I was really excited about was that my cycle finally started on it's own on CD 42 *happy dance* I was really not excited about having to take a whole new drug to get things going again.. So this month I'm going to try and stress less about every little thing I feel..and just ride the waves as best as I can. It's going to happen sooner or later..it will!

18 October, 2010


I called my doctor this morning to ask about what’s possibly going on with my cycle this month. It’s been completely out of whack. The nurse said; that I should wait a few more days and take another pregnancy test because the Clomid made me ovulate on day 18 or 19 which is kind of late. I think I’m going to wait until Wed or Thursday because I’m actually off work. I’d rather take it when I’m off work so that the negative depressiveness doesn’t have to go with me to work. Even if you’re pretty sure you are not pregnant and you take a test and it’s negative…It’s gut wrenching…and it set’s your whole day of on the wrong foot and I hate that feeling, as much as you say it’s not going to affect you it totally does. If it comes up negative then I’ll have to start the drug called prometrium in order to start my cycle again. It’s so crazy to me…I have had a fairly normal cycle and now I’m completely screwed up because of this medication. I’m frustrated, wondering whether or not I should continue with the Clomid. I called my insurance company today and tried to find out what all my insurance covers as far as fertility treatment is concerned. And unfortunately they do not cover much.

I think I’m going to make an appointment to see a Reproduction Endocrinologist…my insurance covers that and it’s 50$ a visit I pretty much will have to pay out of pocket for an other labs, tests, x-rays and whatever else they would want to put me through…how crappy. At this point I feel I should go to the direct source of information instead of just seeing my ob/gyn…I’m sure she knows what she’s doing but if the Clomid doesn’t work within 3 months I’ll be referred to one (RE) anyway. I’m totally bummed :(

This is the reason I waited to so long in the first place to see a doc. I knew it would be a difficult ride…I don’t want to stop and run away scared because I really want this!! I’m just afraid and emotions are running wild right now. I’m trying to stay positive but today I just cried and cried while I was getting ready for work. I want to scream and yell “it’s not fucking fair” but that’s pretty childish and it really won’t get me anywhere. So I sit here with my stomach in knots and wait…that’s the current story of my life…lol.

17 October, 2010

Happy 1 Year Houseiversary

Saturday October 16th 2010was our 1 year House Anniversary!!

The first year was full of excitment, snow, friends, storms, parties and Love.
Here are some pics from our 1st year!

Signed the paperwork and got the keys

Moved the first boxes in

Celebrated Halloween with Friends

Cooked Thanksgiving dinner for our Family and Friends

Snow on Christmas Eve

Still can't believe we had a white Christmas

Got to ring in the New Year with Sarah

Happy 2010

A random morning Sunrise from the backyard

Our Palm Tree

A foot of snow in February

The creek behind our house

Our 2010 Snowman

Drinks with friends on the patio

Roxy, Daisy & Scruffy

Parties and Grilling

Our first year of homeownership was amazing. I can only hope this next year will be just as great! I just want to say Thanks to all of our friends and family for making it a special year and Thnaks so much for always being supportive of us! We love you all so much. And to mother nature...we really enjoyed all the snow, please send more this year!

Cheers to another fabulous Year!!

A craptastic day!

Still no sign of Aunt Flow and this morning I took a home pregnancy test and it was a Big Fat Negative otherwise know and a BFN. I learned this as I was obsessing over Clomid forums last night. Guess I'll be calling my doctor in the morning to see what's going on. After taking my test this morning I went into the living room depressed and bummed, I slumped onto the couch and then got up to let the dogs in since they sleep in the laundry room at night. Daisy came running in first and after and few minutes I realized that Roxy and Scruffy had not come to lick and jump on me yet which is odd because usually they are climbing on top of one another just to get to me. I went out to the back yard only to find the gate wide open. I immediately freaked out and ran into the street. Roxy was just coming across the street and I didn’t see scruffy anywhere. I started yelling out his name and then I burst into tears and then a hard sob. I called Josh at work, thankfully he answered. I cried my way through telling him that scruffy was gone. At that moment I really did think that we’d ever see him again. I walked up our whole block twice crying the entire time. I asked a few kids if they saw a little dog. One little boy said he saw two dogs but when he explained to me what they looked like I realized that he was talking about Daisy and Roxy. Today is the first time I’ve meet some of my neighbors and I must say in my moment of utter desperation and sadness… they were all extremely nice and comforting. Several people got my house number and said if they found him they’d bring him to me it was comforting. I got back to the house after the second walk around the block and went into the laundry room crying and asking Roxy to go find scruffy… she just looked at me with her head low to the ground…I could tell that they knew something wasn’t right, Daisy had a very nervous look on her face and right behind me the whole time. I walked outside and Josh pulled up (he rushed from work.. thank goodness we live somewhat close to our jobs) I ran to his arms sobbing and crying and he just squeezed me realy tight and kissed my head. He then went straight in the house grabbed Roxy and said lets go. He let Roxy down and kind of followed her…all the while Josh is saying “which way did he go Roxy”. The way we were going I told Josh he probably wasn’t down there because it was kind of far and a boy on that street did not see any dogs… But low and behold about two blocks over there was Scruffy hiding out by a fence of other dogs. Poor little guy must have been lost and afraid…when he saw us he was excited but afraid to come out to us until we got a bit closer. I cried even more when we found him *sigh* Thank God I have Josh in my life sometimes I’m just not sure what I’d do with out him he truly is my personal hero :)

Scruffy is one lucky pup. We still have no clue how the gate came to be open but Josh bought a lock on his way home from work. So I feel a lot better now. After a year in the house this is the first time any of our dogs have gotten out…it’s very scary. My dogs are like little people to me they have such a important part of my heart and today I felt my heart was breaking. Someone was looking over our shoulder today and for that I’m very thankful.

14 October, 2010

Anticipation can bite me

Anticipation...is not my friend.

On a fertility update - I'm two days late and have been feeling for 3 days like I'm going get a visit from Aunt Flow but nothing yet so...as you can imagine I'm kind of a hormonal ball of mess right now. I'm keeping it in pretty well as to not seem on the outside like such a crazy female but I sure feel it. Ugh! I know it is just two days but when you're trying to get pregnant every hour can feel like a day..yes I know it's so dramatic lol. Eeerrrr!! I really hate waiting. I wish it would just come already if it's gonna.. stop teasing me. At first.. 4 days ago I was excited because I woke up and my nipples were really sore. They still are which is odd for me. I've had sore breast before but not nipples. So of course I got super excited inside and though ohhhh..this could be the first sign so I bought a two pack test I took one and it was negative, my mom thinks it's too early to tell. I think my brain is playing tricks on my body haha. I've been having lower back pain for the last 3 days, as if I'm going to start any minute..it's weird and I've felt the normal moodiness that comes along so I'm guessing I'll probably start soon. My anxious thoughts about everything is probably what's causing me to be late or maybe the fact that I've been taking the Clomid. Huummmm well I guess I'll wait a bit longer but if no visit by Sat..I'll take a test. I remember in the past...that every time I'd finally get the courage up to go buy the damned test I would finally start..lol


03 October, 2010

Lake Charles Trip 2010

Josh and I made the pilgrimage home to Lake Charles, Louisiana to see his family and it was fantastic. It's been quite a while since we went down for a visit. The trip was a great getaway from the stresses of working and everyday life. We left out early Tuesday morning and of course I woke up with the sun and was so excited I could not go back to sleep. So I finished up the packing, waited for my mom to come over, got the dogs fed and the trash out to the curb. It was about 7 hours to get there…the drive was very..very long. GPS told us to go the new way… so we decided to be a little adventurous and do it. We got there with no problem and the drive was very scenic, we went through several small towns…the kind of towns you blink and they’re gone. We got in at about 6:45 and made it to Popou’s house.. It was his birthday so Nanny, Josh and I joined him at Outback for dinner and it was delish! After dinner we went to bed pretty early, we were both pretty tired from driving all day and when I mean early I mean like 8:30 and that is really early for me. I’m normally a late night owl and I was exhausted.
Every time I’ve gone to Louisiana it has been a quick trip and we’ve never really had much time to do anything else other than visit with family and then head back…so Wednesday morning after breakfast Josh gave me a tour of Lake Charles!! We went to the downtown area and new civic center on the lakefront. It was like a mini beach with
pretty sand and a plethora of shells to collect. We rode around town and went to lunch at Hollier’s Cajun Kitchen. Talk about real authentic Cajun food! It was really good.. Josh and I both had the crawfish etouffee… we were definitely stuffed when we left. After lunch Josh and I went to the Ryan’s house and Mamaw made Josh’s favorite meal… roast rice and gravy with potato salad, I scarfed everything down so fast..Josh even had seconds. I need to learn how to make it for him someday :) After dinner we had wine and chatted with the Ryan’s for a while it's always so nice seeing them..you can really talk for hours and not realize it. The next morning we had breakfast with the Ryan’s and then Kate and Irene came to see us!After that we went to Starbucks to get our internet fix..Josh would probably say it was my internet fix but I know he enjoyed too. We spent the afternoon swimming in the pool and Nanny and Popou’s house. I never knew that Nanny was a smoker..hehe We had a cig on the back patio with her..I think she liked it. There is nothing like having a pool all to yourself, it was deep, clean, pretty, sparkly and had a diving board…needless to say we had a blast. I learned that Josh is quite a fish in the water *giggle* and he has
great form when it comes to diving. He’s so freaking cute…I love him so much! Josh drove me out to the Camp on the bayou that Josh’s papa “Jugg” George Washington Ryan built with his own hands. Josh spent his summers out at the camp with the Ryan's and with the Bernard's..both set's lived in lake Charles only a few minutes from one another. I think the Ryan's lived at the camp for at least more than 10 years while one of their children lived in their home..They are an awesome family to be apart of..I feel very blessed! It was really neat to see the camp..this place I’ve so often heard him talk about. It is for sale now. The Ryan’s are now in their nineties and just really don’t have the ability to keep up with it any longer. During hurricane Katrina and Rita the camp suffered damage when the bayou flooded…so it’s a little run down now. I really wish that Josh and I could somehow save it and keep it in the family. It’s just something you have to see for yourself I guess, just being there I could feel the happiness that echoed out. I was really glad that I got to see it in person before it’s sold. Josh seemed really happy to see it again too..I could see and read his thoughts as all his childhood memories of the camp kind of washed over him…sad in some ways. The night before we left Josh and I drove out to the casino’s on the lake…I've never in my life been gambling or even stepped foot in a casino. It was a fabulous experience, we were pretty cheap and only spent 20 dollars each. (That is the secret to not losing all your money Ive heard..lol) I won my money back on the first slot machine…talk about beginners luck!!

It was a great trip and it was so lovely getting to see everyone. We are definitely going to make this a yearly trip..


Happy Birthday Pnut

My husband is 30 years old now Eeeek…that means I’m not far behind.Josh got a fancy grill for his birthday from his parents Bart and Sheila, they came over to our house Saturday and brought Chipotle for dinner *yumm*. We put the grill use Monday September 27th for Josh’s 30th Birthday celebration in the back yard. I'm thinking it was the first of many more BBQ's to come. It was really a great day, the weather was amazing..Fall is definitely showing her love to us all...and Sarah pretty much spent the day with me running errands and getting food together…she is awesome!!Jen, Wooky, Justin, Ant, Sarah, Misty, Ben and all the kiddo’s, minus Miranda came to enjoy the BBQ that Josh cooked up and my goodness it was finger licking good :) I’m very lucky to have a husband and chef all rolled into one. I personally think 30 looks good on him..He seemed a little bothered by turning 30 throughout the month..but the day came and went and he seemed just the same hehe. I think things only get better after 30...your twenties are all about figuring it out..thirties are about putting that life experience to use..haha at least that's what I think now..I'll get back with ya when I'm turning 30 lol