11 August, 2009
This evening I drove through the cemetery on the way home from dropping my brother off. It was kind of weird; I didn't plan it..I just kinda wound up there chasing the sunset.I have been serving as "Local Taxi" to my family over the last several months, my brother has his rehab classes, my grandmother her gazillion doctors appointments, and my dad with his strokes and needing to go to the grocery store at the most inconvenient times..they are a mess..But with great love and the deepest affection I say to you "they are my mess...they drive me crazy, but I love them with all my heart" and I offered to help when my Bro went to rehab..It was one of the stipulations of him going, we kinda made a deal..but hey it's been the best damn deal we've made in a very long time..I'm proud of him..he's staying strong and doing well, taking it day by day..I remember saying "If you go and lose your car (which he did) I will help you no matter what happens" Of course I was being Lil Big sis, and needed to swoop in and take action..I just didn't realize how big of a task it would be..especially when you are in the middle of trying to buy a house. So on day's like today I say to myself.."I got him into rehab it's my duty to see him through recovery" that's what family is for..plus he needs all the support he can get..he has a lot on his plate..
On my way home I was starring face to face with a beautiful sunset, it was speaking to me, painting a beautiful picture that my mind was getting lost in. It was talking to my soul, and the song's on the radio were sent from the Radio Gods just for me, it was a perfect moment, I felt at peace with myself for the first time in a while...a good feeling deep within that things are going to work out no matter what..things will happen even if it takes them a while. One of those moments when I'd look out into the sky and realized that my life was moving and the sunset was moving and I had to catch it, we are all apart of everything, my life has been moving all along the whole time..I just didn't stop to realize it. With the house thing I am totally in tune with my responsibilities at the moment, it feels good, I feel good..and very focused haha..That is a really good feeling. My life is no longer standing still..but in fact change is upon me, blowing all around..
That is why I had the urge to chase the sun and get my inspirational motivation in picture form. Josh forbids me to go down to the river at sunset alone so I make do with parking lots and such...It's not too bad :o) I used to stomp my foot in protest and of course say "I'm an adult I can take care of myself, just because I'm a woman you think I am weak, blah blah blah" overtime I guess I'm starting to realize he really is just looking out for me..and doesn't want anything to happen to my well being.It's sweet in a romantic kinda way and sometimes I just feel so irked at hearing those words.."You're going down there?!?..at this time?!?..by yourself!!" I can laugh about it now because I have no need to take my camera, throw on my granny shades and sit by the river taking pictures of things I really wish were giant mountains and sandy beaches. Driving through Mt Olivet cemetery was quite an interesting and peaceful experience..I never knew how big it was...never did I imagine it was that large..from the street it looks small, neat and quiet a little like one of those cemetery's you see in the movies, except it wasn't cloudy and it wasn't cold or rainy. It was quiet, emerald green..it was quite peaceful...I drove all the way to the back so I would not offend anyone there morning for their lost loved one's or who knows cursing their loved one's for leaving them with debt or crazy greedy kids..what ever they were feeling I was not about to be apart of it..and I didn't want them to see me and wonder what this crazy woman with a camera is doing driving up and down the street's stopping for a few seconds only to stop again a few feet ahead..I was chasing that perfect spot.. that perfect shot..I don't think I found it..but being there..something about it was captivating..I really can't explain it..it was just oddly soothing to be there for a moment..so many tall and full trees, with the sunset peaking through in little patches..it was a beautiful place. If I wanted to buried I guess I wouldn't mind being placed 6ft under one of those big green shade trees...and the grass...ohhh the grass was so green..I almost wanted to take my shoes off and go walk through it..but I thought that might look a little strange...