18 May, 2007

I call this the Reckoning

It seems as though
Time is beginning to show
I've come across a lump
In life just a small road bump
Something to make me think
While I sit and ponder a drink

Life throws you a bucket of lemons…and they say make some lemonade.
Is it really that easy? Sounds kinda cheesy?

Do you ever think that sometimes you need something extraordinarily mind boggling to put you in your place and change the path you're currently on? You know…you're going about life, just bouncing along, and bam…

Something totally unexpected throws you for loop causing your mind to pop, and your soul to crack.
Josh used to use this term when he knew a "good" bad thing was about to happen.

I've come across a lump in life that has caused me to break down and contemplate my life thus far. What have I accomplished? What do I have to show? What makes me happy, am I truly happy…you know that sorta thing?

If I were to die tomorrow would I be happy with my life….
Well that's the thing…I don't think I have done enough in my life "Thus Far" in fact, I haven't done much, and this "lump" has thrown me into fast forward…so all I can imagine is the rest of my life and how it will play out…

It's as if…..The remote control to my life has run out of batteries, and right now I'm stuck in fast forward, scrambling around searching for new batteries… all the while, I can't pause, or even rewind, even worse I can't even turn it off.

It's all about what's coming next, how will I be affected, how will it affect others, and that is kind of scary at the moment.

I feel like I've been depressed, or just in a funk, for a little while now, and this curve ball like, a fishing line has yanked me out of my comfortable "yet unstable" zone and is dangling me over a bridge like a piece of bait. Any second now I expect a giant creature to jump straight out of the river and snap me up…

Only the bridge isn't that high, and there is of course water below to break my fall, but

I'm scared to death of letting go, scared of what's below the water, afraid of the unseen, and the unknowable depths of something so much bigger than my self.

I've just never felt this way before; I mean if I have, it's been more than 10 years…

I guess it's not a bad thing, after all if this "Lump" hadn't come my way, I might have gone on another 10 years with out ever really "Thinking" about what symbolizes my life or what my life means as a whole...So now here I am, facing crazy thoughts, a fearful heart and the questionable future….Maybe it's just because I'm almost a quarter of a century old (25)…and up until now I've just been living life on my terms, and not life on its terms.

I've been riding the waves, and not making waves of my own…how pathetic…LOL
I want to make waves, and splash color all over everything, leave nothing untouched, and everything overlooked…
I guess we all need something to jump out at us once in a while, in order to remind us, of who we are, and where we're going and why we're going there…
It's kind of sad to think it takes something overwhelmingly frightening to make you think outside the box, but what ever it takes, I'm going to hit "Play" no more of this fast forward shit, and no more rewinding myself back to the past, cause the past is gone, and I can't change it, no need to dwell there anymore, I must move on and create a path all my own, or at least just make a path, so I know kind of where I'm going…right? Or Wrong…

Or, does life just takes over and create a path when you have failed to do so for your self…
I think often that is the case, it's not a bad thing, and it's just that you never really know what you'll get, but then again, you never fully know what you're getting even when you know what's coming…

So why waste time waiting for life to throw you a curve ball, when you could be out throwing curve balls your self??!??!?!

Is it then, that you embark on the scariest chapter of your life, and why? Because you have no control over the "lump" that is in question, it's not something you created, or caused, it just something that's happened…

I guess when life takes over, you are living on life's terms and that's what you get…right? Life is too difficult to understand sometimes, trying to put it all together is just too much for the soul to bear and to heavy for the heart to carry.
Okay…I'm glad I got that out…

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