28 July, 2009

Love and its charismatic anger

There she stood in the middle of the room trash bag in hand, her mind spinning, hands on her hips, tears pouring from her red and puffy face. Thoughts were fighting, screaming and shoving about inside her head, like birds fluttering in a rattled birdcage…She could not think of any more words to explain her frustration, and she could not make the throbbing anger subside; for it boiled inside her with in such a ferocious grip. He sat there before her, with a fierce face and strong words, his walls were up and they were high, he seems so powerful at times, so intimidating… a force not to be messed with…She just starred at him, his lips were moving and everything that came from his mouth was painfully hard to bear and at times a little too dramatic for her tastes, she could not understand his need for control, nor his insecurities being projected at her…his words were logical in one aspect and completely irrational in another, they stung her like a bee, he was unbeatable, selfish, and cold. Neither of them could see past their own wounds …She was about to explode, her mind was just not in the right place, and he was pressing all the right buttons…unable to contain herself. Her emotions enveloped her like the rising sun on a very sleepy city…she just let go and allowed them to carry her away, call it a moment of insanity, hormones, what ever you want! To her it was a moment of emotional self defense, pride, and hardheadedness spilling from her heart and mouth, she had lost all control…There was a slamming of the door, and then another, a few shouts that came out in a high-pitched scream, “Shuuuut Up” She had never lashed out like this. What was going on…she thought “Why again are we fighting, what started this”, . She was stunned and then immediately regretful of her actions...Her childlike behavior, her inability to control herself… But she had enough! No longer could she contain her ever dwindling sanity, and play the game of words. He was a skilled player… Sobs echoed from the bathroom, as she sat at the edge of the tub, head tightly held in her sweaty and shaky hands, her heart pounded feeling as if it would jump out of her chest and slap her across the face. She was now full of guilt and anger, anger that she had been pushed to the edge, guilty for lashing out with no class, she was animal like and raw, roaring loudly… Why was her anger playing her like a puppet, as if she were under some sort of mind control or spell? Was she really that weak? Why had she let herself take the bait and be dragged into a fire pit of swelling emotion, why not let it be, and wait for it to pass… what could possibly make the delicate bird so frazzled….so angry? Anger that swelled deep inside; of which came around in full force every great while…She desired her own thought at times he took it from her, she needs her own opinions, her own existence as a free thinking human being, as a creative and passionate creature…She does not want to be judged by that who claims to be her true love, she must be allowed to spread the beautiful wings that first attracted him… why was she allowing this to ensue? Was he unconsciously robbing her of her own unique identity, was he manipulating her very thought processes, trying to break her down so that she may be more even more malleable. Was she her self so riddled with insecurities that she could not understand his true nature …Did he really lover her, as much as he said he did...So many thought’s consumer her in this epic moment of pure and natural human instinct, the ultimate battle of one’s right to be heard and ones own understood falling through the floor. …Is it him, or is it really her; just losing control? Or are they both just held in the clutches of a deep growing love that’s constantly stretching and molding them to fit into shape, they are forced to bond in way’s never thought about, never imagined, and way’s that hurt along the way… those will be the moments that define them as a couple…where they go from there is what matters most…their love will override any amount of anger given a nights rest and a day of quiet understanding…Reflection is a beautiful part in it’s self. Because that is when they will learn the lessons that are meant to be found… and carried on...

To Love and its many mysteries..


23 July, 2009

Date Night with Harry Potter

Well…I finally got to see the long awaited Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince Movie...It was supposed to come out last Nov..however Twilight took it's spot..I was so sad..and disappointed..I felt like I had already waited long enough...But nevertheless it's here and sooo worth the long wait.. I got up and bought tickets at like 11:00am for the Midnight showing...It was fantastic…I absolutely loved it...Josh and I actually started our Harry Potter Marathon several day’s before…We watched all of them…and watched the Order of the Phoenix right before we left for the midnight showing… They of course left a few things out…But I’m not upset at that...Read the Books if you want all the details…lol…Now I patiently wait for the first half of the Deathly Hallows to come out…Come on 2010!!! I think in the mean time I may have to jump on the Twilight bandwagon...I said I wasn’t going to read it...but I’m slowly changing my mind..I desperately need a new book series to get sucked into…I’m currently reading “Change of Heart” So far so good…I’ve probably got about a week left of reading that one…

In other news…Josh and I have been approved for a home loan…Eeeeek! Totally excited!!! We’ve gone to see 3 houses so far and today we saw one that we both really...really liked…It will be a long process requiring much patients on my part..But I am overjoyed at the thought of owning our very own home…We’re not looking for anything to fancy, under a 100,000…The one today was built in the 60’s it was cute…Large living room…good sized kitchen..3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms…Awesome is all I can say…It seemed perfect…Need’s a small amount of work mostly cosmetic like paint and such. The best part is that it’s in the exact neighborhood that we want to live in…Close to our family…it’s not the Ghetto..hahaha..We have lived in the Riverside area for about 5 years now... it’s really worn on us, and left us with a bad taste in our mouths. No more gun shots in the middle of the night..Hopefully our neighbors wont be crack heads…We are ready to move out of lil-Mexico…and into suburbia hahaha…I’m just ready for the next chapter in our lives…and buying a home is a big step…can’t wait!!!


21 July, 2009

Down by the River

It finally rained this morning…it was dark and cloudy, made me pine for the fall and winter months :o) It was a light rain; at least it was something…I went down to the river back at the end of June…it was looking so pretty, glistening in the sunset…Absolutely beautiful, somewhat full…not to the brim…but it was definitely flowing nicely. Over the last several weeks it’s been shrinking before my eye’s. I drive over the river everyday to and from work. I always wind up peering out my window at it's curious tranquility but it’s slowly shrinking because it's so damn hot!!! and we've not had hardly enough rain… Maybe I should perform an ancient rain dance..lol A cool front blew in over the weekend. Instead of being 103 or 104 it’s only been in the upper 90’s not much of a cool front when you think about it. Whew. Still very hot…especially when you’re in the direct sun or you’re wearing a black suite and have to valet cars and run around in the sun…that’s the worst. It just beats down on you…

Along the dry cracked river bed I found many shells and animal bones, small rodents and other types, something that looked like a lobster claw. I found a huge muscle shell. I brought it home and cleaned it all up... It’s odd. I guess I really did’t expect to see the bones...but Hey; such is life… it was interesting, kind of adventurous. I felt like a paleontologist. Ha-ha I dug into the ground ran across odd looking rocks and tiny shells everywhere. There was also a large amount of trash buried in the sand and dirt. Makes me want get a group together. And spend a few hours with trash bags just picking up everything that’s there…It was so hot when I went to the river that day that after just 15 minutes of being in the sun sweat was pouring off my face...I could feel the salt burning my eye's..my body was probably cussing me out wondering what the hell I was doing in the sun like that..No worries..I had my SPF...It was insanely hot! It was however..a nice lil adventure for me, my camera, and the beauty of nature surrounding me..It felt relaxing and therapeutic.


12 July, 2009

helping him find his self again...

It’s been 3 weeks since I dropped my Brother off at a rehab facility in Dallas…we left early in the morning and drove into to Dallas from downtown fort worth…it’ was a drive that I will remember for quite a while…or at least I can say it will stick with me for years to come…The sky was unforgettable that morning…just beautiful..And since I'm so not an early riser I had to take pictures of the sunrise...absolutely breathtaking.

For several months my brother has been spiraling downward from a relapse with methanphetamines, or speed, ice, Tina..... My uncle a dealer, was just handing it over to him, so that he could use my brothers car...so my Brother just completely fell of the wagon...getting money any which way he could to pay for that "last" little bag, staying gone for 8 hours when he was just supposed to go and get a pack of cigarettes..he'd been unstable, unstoppable, without a solid foundation to stand on...absolutely no willpower! I can honestly say I understand because I myself had been there about 3 years ago...I was an addict for a few years so a large part of me can understand where my brother's desperation comes from...that addictive nature that runs through our blood and tickles our brains in the most natural way...that desperate need to escapes one's current reality. He was on the road to living under a bridge in no time if he didn't get help..."Cover your pain with a veil of meth and you won't care about yourself, anyone, or anything around you" It's a sad place to be, it's lonely and Meth steals away your conscious mind, it takes control of you and you're just locked up in your head without the will to want to fight...I was thankful when he called me in tears, crying. It was time for something to be done. I would like to say that my side of the family is supportive, and they are in a strange way. However they are rather negative people, and when you are surrounded by negativity it's even harder to fight your own battles ...

He had a huge bowl of fruity pebbles before I picked him up, Teresa was waiting patiently ( his wife) he had his bag packed and a smile on her face...He was ready to go...On the way we jammed to some old Rock with the occasional hip hop song, I could feel that it was lifting him up a bit...As we got closer he became more agitated, and said he was so nervous. He felt he ws going to throw up...I just said.."Hey You're gonna be just fine" He smoked his last cigarette on the way and when we got there we had to wait outside with all the other people who were checking into homeward bound Trinity center..He got freaked out when we first pulled up, there were bums, homeless people all over the lawn, he immediately got scared started to feel very negative about the whole situation, he said "I don't think this is the right place for me to be at" I said.."CJ do you see those people? That is who you are going to be if you do not try this rehab out, you will wind up like them faster than you can imagine"..The difference is that my brother chose to check himself into rehab, the other's were there either by police force, or mandatory per the state, CPS, probation...etc....But I think it was good for him to see it like that, see those people whom had already lost more control than he could imagine...He needed to see what life is like when you don't seek help on your own...It's never good to just see what happens...you have to find help or someone that can help you...Addiction is a road well traveled, but most of it's travelers are left with soulless bodies that are broken down and weak" I love my Brother with all of my heart..I will be there for him in any way possible...I love him that's all I can say..and I hope that he's found at least some part of himself that had been lost.

10 July, 2009


A few weeks back I was at the pool with my nomadic,pregnant,love-lost,trying to find herself-cousin Madeline...I lover her to death!!! but girl got herself in a hard spot right now..she's trying, and she's a fighter so..I believe she will rise up and meet her challenge.Soo..we went to the pool at my ma's apartment complex..the sun was bright, the water warm from the 103 degree weather outside...the sky was cobalt blue..and there were these giant puffy clouds everywhere..they were beautiful, it looked as though Daisy my picawawa got a hold of a bag of cotton balls and just tore across the sky..love it!

06 July, 2009

We are alike in so many ways, yet fighting to be different in so little ways

We are alike in so many ways, and fighting to be different in so little ways. We are all beings, either coming or going, but we’re all here together, and we all basically want the same things, values, peace, Justice and Freedoms. Notice How I left religion out? That’s a whole other story…My point is… We are everywhere… on different sides of the world, in the same neighborhoods, some in secret, some afraid to speak out, most unable to open their minds, fear of the repercussions from the Establishment maybe?…We all want a better future; we all want a safe world for our children and family to come...Why must we continue to wage wars that will not be won; Wars that bloom from seeds of fearful necessity and infectious greed? Peace and truth in Justice…it seems like such a cliche to want something so trivial... I wait patiently for more signs of social enlightenment, open-mindedness, and individual growth..it's a beautiful thing to watch not only yourself grow but those around you as well; I know it seems too far out of reach… But one can still dream right?....and when I say "Grow" what I mean...is..Actually finding that little part of what makes you who you are, that part that makes you unique...yet still a piece to the bigger puzzle...I wish for more people to just let go of all the bullshit that emotionally weights them down. I wish for more people to just be happy with who they are instead of trying to be what someone else wants them to be. I wish for so many things...and that's okay... I will continue to have hope for humanity as a whole!

I wanna fly to the moon

I want to fly to the moon…

I want to take a road trip, to nowhere and take the long way, I want to stop at mom and pop shops and take in the beauty of life it's self…I wanna jam out to Lynard Skinard, the Beatles, Pink Floyd and many more while smoking a doobie on a long country road. I want to feel the sun in my face and the wind in my hair…I want to get away and feel the world breathe around me… I'm tired of this mundane simple routine of life, I want life to happen, I want a child to watch grow up…I wanna see the sunset on the ocean, I want to drive through mountains, and get lost in the woods, I want to be anywhere but here….I just want to go run free into the great world and find new things, and places I've never seen, never even heard of…I just want to be me, free from work, from family, free from my own restraints…I want to be so small and overlooked that no one gives a flip…hahahah I really do care…But there is this huge part of me that needs to run wild through the world, I need to see things for my self, I want to help and build communities that have been damaged, I want to feel like what I'm doing in life really matters, not to the world or others but to me..…I feel there is so much more I could do with my time, that would really be beneficial to the world and people who live in it…I'm stuck…Between real life and what I wish life was like….I should have nothing to complain about, yet there is something I'm not getting out of life…I go to work, and pay bills, get groceries, feed the dogs, it's life at It's simplest…yet I want to rock the boat and have more excitement…

05 July, 2009

dancing in the wake of dawn

Take away this day from me

So I; may no longer be.

Stuck inside my wondering mind,

Give me just a piece of time.

In my mind of written pages

You are there through the ages

Painting time and flying high

Through the distant calming sky.

The lustful night awaits us

Get your things dont make a fuss

We are always on the go

Why not stop and see the show.

Dancing in the wake of dawn

You look at me and yawn.

Now were off to clear our head

Beckoned by our calling bed

Tickled Pink

Sometimes Laughter isn't funny

Like a bee hive without any honey

And sometime when the sky is gray

You want the sun to come and play

What if a rainbow springs a leak

And the gray sky is tickled pink

Will you giggle; laugh and say

My what a pretty silly day