30 November, 2009

Out danm spot!!

What a day…I barely slept last night with everything on my mind…not to mention I stayed up late watching my shows :)...Josh is the best; he makes sure my Sunday shows are ready when I get home from my night shift… plus I had to get up way to early today this morning. Yuck! I’m not the best morning person. So I picked my mom up at 9:30 and we drove across town for my appointment with the plastic surgeon. I have to say I really like him better then the dermatologist that I saw a few weeks back…This guy was very informative and I felt comfortable in his presence. When I saw the Dermatologist he stood by the door most of the time he was talking with me, as if he had a hot lunch date to catch. He was nice…but I just didn’t care for his bedside manor if you get my point. The plastic surgeon looked at the spot on my back and said (That needs to come off as soon as possible) I was relieved and scared all at the same time. I’m glad he’s taking it off sooner rather then later...I also showed him a spot on my left wrist and left shoulder. The dermatologist threw me for a loop and his anxiousness to leave the room and kind of left me overwhelmed…so I never showed him any other spots I was concerned about. But the surgeon saw them and has decided to take them at the same time. So Wednesday morning I have surgery at around 8:00 in the morning. I have to be there at 6:45…double yuck!! They will sedate me and do an excision with margins on all three and then they will send them off to be tested. I’m hoping, praying, and trying to stay positive about this…but I have to say I don’t think I’ll be able to rest easy until I get the results back..I have no idea how long that will take. I’m sure I will find out Wednesday…I guess the only plus side is that I’ll get a few extra days off work and some good pain meds...hehe Josh is going to take me to the hospital..I’m so glad I have him. I’ve been at his side through all his medical hiccups, hospitals visits and surgeries…Guess it’s his turn now :) But I wouldn’t have it any other way he is my very best friend and I know he’ll take great care of me.


29 November, 2009

Thanksgiving, Homeownership and Spots

Well...we closed on our house October 16th it was a great day, Miranda turned 2, Family was in town from Louisiana...and overall it was just amazing. I feel so grown up now hehe...We are officially homeowners ane we've done our part to help the housing market..haha It’s been amazingly awesome to have so much room...a nice big kitchen, a laundry room and a back patio to sit and enjoy the beauty of nature. The dogs love the dog door and the cat finally learned how to come in on her own. She was in shock for the first week; I knew when it got cold she would come in…and she did!

For the first time in 5 years I got thanksgiving off work so Josh and I hosted Thanksgiving at our house and it was perfect. Words can’t fully explain how happy I felt to have everyone there with us, the Cowboys won, we had wine, the kids watched movies and everyone was happy and full by the end of the day...it was truly one to remember. The food was great and the company even better. I’m so thankful to have such a supportive and loving family!

In other news…I recently went to a dermatologist for a spot on my lower back. I’ve had it all my life, only over the past year I’ve noticed a change in size, shape and color…So he’s referred me to a plastic surgeon…He believes it’s a possible melanoma. So I go tomorrow at 10:15 in the morning. My mom’s going to go with me…She went with me for my first visit to the Dermatologist. I’ve had an entire week to let it eat at me and drive my brain insane…I also have a depression in my skin; on my hip that has a white color…not like my normal pale skin, it makes my butt muscle sore..lol. My dermatologist said it’s Morphea which is a form of localized scleroderma, or lupus…It kind of took my by surprise. I’ve done a bit of research on it which honestly hasn’t been that helpful. The internet is not good for anyone with a health issue they are worried about…It will make you think you have everything known to man!! Which is what I’ve done to myself most of this week…I haven’t really talked a lot about it...Just here and there…but let me tell you it’s been on my mind every waking minute of my days this past week. I’m nervous. My mother has had two episodes of Superficial Spreading Melanoma…they caught it early on her chest, and told her that if she had waited more than a week for the one on her leg that it would have spread through out her lymph nodes..Scary!! So I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it’s just a pre-cancer meaning it doesn’t have active cancer cells…or if it is cancerous…I’m hoping that I didn’t wait too long…I have an appointment with an ENT on the 8th of December to have my lymph nodes checked out in my neck..I’ve got two swollen nodes...they’ve been swollen for over a year…I got a biopsy done a year ago and the doc said it was probably just an infection in my body collecting in my nodes, he gave me an antibiotic but it did nothing..So when I asked my dermatologist...He referred me to an ENT to have a thorough check up. I’ve had vertigo off and on for the last month so hopefully he can tell me what’s up. I know I probably sound like I’m falling apart or maybe even a little like a hypochondriac haha.... I’ve been so awful to my self...I haven’t been to a doctor unless I was dying of the flu since about 3 years ago..I stopped caring about my health and just didn’t think about taking care of me…but times are changing…Because if I want to live to be old and gray..Then I need to take the appropriate steps to maintain my health now. Any-who that’s my update wish me luck tomorrow!!


11 October, 2009

The leaves are falling

Breathing in the beauty that is emerging from this Autumn tale, my soul is awakened from a thick summer sleep. The leaves are falling in brilliant fashion; the ultimate symbol of change. I am ready for it, I have been ready and I will greet my changing life with an open mind and soul. Change has been knocking on my door for some time now, a sweet tap that will not go unnoticed. The air is crisp, cool and whips my hair wildly around my face.
I look out into the multi faceted world that surrounds me and I see that beauty is hiding everywhere, waiting to be discovered, yearning to be written about and photographed. Mother Earth holds many wondrous secrets in her pockets. I wonder about many things; often the future. I question most everything and wonder how life will be different as I become brittle, grey and wrinkled. This life we are so delicately weaved into, crosses many mountains,wades many rivers, and staggers across vast desserts along the way. Don't you have to look forward to live life instead of looking back? I am saddened inside to see those chained to their past, frightened by God's wrath and fury..frightened at the thought of an unyielding loneliness...Yes, it is helpful to look back and understand a life lived then, who we are, and why we are who we've become. What about now? What about living life today with compassion, justice, truth and integrity, living with your head held high instead of buried in your tear stained hands. So many are being pulled under by the nasty current that is our media, our government and radical religious bigots...The media steals away your thoughts and replaces it with a mind numbing drug called "Social Opinions". Government bullies and and Self Richous Religious leaders want your money and care nothing about your personal gain, but you brought money for collection today..your a good person even if you don't have food to feed your family...Does our society care nothing for the people that keep it running... I used to believe that an opinion was a great thing to have, it was something you owned, something you created, something powerful! Now days, opinions are being forced down our throats every which way. It makes me sad in a way that I can't really express. What ever happened to "If you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all". Watching the news is no longer informative, it's a money and power hungry machine that slowly eats your soul. You don't even know it's happening until you stop, step back and take a good look. I stopped watching TV about 6 months ago...it has been a blessing. TV shows are great don't get me wrong I love several shows but I get them online and bypass all the bull shit in the middle...Life doesn't need another opinion..Life needs action, people to stand firm and walk the walk instead of just talking to talk...Life is begging for transition, the people scream out for understanding and compassion.

23 September, 2009

House round 2

The Palm tree and big front window

The Front

Hall Bath

Cute Mirror :)

Entrance to front living area from front of house

Second living area looking into kitchen
and a sliding glass door behind the blinds

Kitchen looking into living area

This kitchen is really good size
I cant wait to cook in it..

Covered back patio to sit outside during a rain storm :)

Roxy and Daisy..oh yea and Bloomberg, are gonna love this yard!

I'm in love with this house..keep your fingers crossed for us!!


22 September, 2009

Dear Fall, I missed you..welcome back :)

An awesome storm rolled into town earlier this evening...it’s was thunderous, angry, and full of lightning…it was truly beautiful. There were some strange clouds in the sky. Driving back to work it was just so weird…I don’t usually see clouds like that, but that’s because fall has arrived!! I know it’s only about an hour past midnight. To me it’s officially the start of fall, or…autumn, which ever you choose to call it.I have been waiting for the season change…like a kid waiting for Christmas...My life is changing right now and the seasons are changing with me, or I’m just changing with them lol…All I know is that I am ready for change and I’m ready for windy days, leaves crunching beneath my feet, sweaters and Halloween…Oh, I can’t wait till Halloween…I know most people don’t consider it an actual Holiday but in the mind of the “Crito” yes I’m referring to myself in third person with a nick name ha!...hehe Halloween is the best Holiday!!! Then comes; Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love the end of the year…So needles to say I have been ready for this season change a bit longer than I should naturally be. Now it’s here, like a present waiting on the porch when you get home from a day…Excitement fills you as the cool wind whips across your face and the smell in the air…Ahh…such a beautiful season :) Okay, so we made an offer on another house last Friday, they did: a counter offer, and today they accepted our offer!! I was dead asleep; Jocelyn called at 8:30 am I tried as hard as I could to sound awake, somewhat, at least. So we’re going Round #2 on this house stuff… I’m excited, a little nervous, but extremely anxious…I’m ready to get this done and over with. If all goes well we should close mid October. Maybe we’ll be there in time to have a Halloween house warming party. I can only hope. Also, I’ve never lived somewhere that I could give out candy to the neighbor hood kids!! I can’t wait to see them all dressed up, it will be a lot of fun. I’ve been a little reluctant to let my self get completely consumed in this new house but I know it’s already happening. Its super cute, has a palm tree in the front yard…haha I used to always tell Josh I wanted a palm tree. I never expected to find a house with one already there. It has a huge kitchen, 4 bedrooms, separate laundry room, new appliances, new paint and carpet, counter tops…1 and a half bath, big backyard and a wooded area behind us. Oh…and a creek that runs along the back wooded area. I’m in love of course, I’m keeping my fingers crossed…Other then that things are good, I’ happy and ready to get moved…I’m going to six flags this weekend with my best girlfriend Sarah, I love her she’s a truly great friend, I’m lucky she thinks I’m cool too. Hahah I feel so loved heheh...can’t wait.


15 September, 2009

Craving Autumn

It has been raining for the last five days and I couldn't be happier. Some of the leaves are falling and changing colors, fall is beginning to show it's pretty face. Rain is mentally therapeutic to me… And it’s the greatest gift I could have received after last week’s brutal slap in the face. the rain has been quietly falling… steadily calming my soul all the while, it's been gray and gloomy while the sun takes a break. I let my self get way too attached..to that damn house...the 9th of September came and went like a cool front on the edge of a sweltering summer day
To our bewilderment the seller decided that he did not want to sell his house and changed his mind a few days before closing...so we are out about 500 bucks, and our emotions have been on an extra bumpy ride, a bit more bumpier than expected. There were many tears…then of course we were just pissed off beyond belief, then there was the bashing of the house (you know listing all the reasons you secretly didn’t like the house) haha we were just blindsided and didn’t quite know how to deal with it. So now we are back on the hunt …It’s frustrating to know we are starting over….But there’s not really a lot we can do about it…except suck it up and keep looking ahead...we'll find another house...perhaps it will be even better then the Bonny Wayne house...All I know is I'm glad to have some rain and a lot of it too! It's been very dry .and now everything is so green and pretty. It almost looks fake to look out and see the green trees and vibrant color of flowers that dot the yards.. I truly love this time of year :)something about it soothes my soul and makes me feel connected as a human to the world around me and the beauty that consistently cradles my creative imagination..and in a sense connected to the giant ocean of living consciousness..I'm more soulfully awake during the last part of the year..during the spring and summer months I am not action oriented..I' more contemplative and observant. I am ready for the season change. Oh, how my mind and soul crave the Autumn and Winter months.


26 August, 2009

On my way home...

On my way back home...the sun was beautiful..

Iguanas and spaceships

For the last week I’ve been having some very crazy dreams…lol I mean have tons of dreams usually. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately so...they’ve just been extra weird. The first dream I had was Sat night…Now keep in mind, I went to a friends birthday party and had two shots of Jaeger at the end of the night…something that you know...”might have attributed to my freaky dreams”. Anna was in my dream (she is my oldest best friend...not old as in wrinkled and menopausal, old as in, of all my friends she’s the one that’s been my friend the longest” We were sitting in a room getting ready to go somewhere, she seemed upset at me, or at something not in words but in facial expressions. She was quiet and sitting on the floor at the other side of the bed. I was picking off some sticky letters that were on the side of the suitcase I was sitting next to. It was blue and in white letters it said “White Paint”… I was pealing off the letters for that said paint…we were departing…something wasn’t right. While we are sitting there I am snacking on a bag of something I’ve never eaten in real life. The food was fruit flavored but had the texture of cheese puffs. The pieces were big, palm sized, they were shaped like the fruit they portrayed, only they were not juicy; they were crunchy and stuck to the inside of your teeth…it was an odd texture but tasted just like real fruit.
The next night (Sunday) I dreamt about an old pet that passed away in 2005. “The Freak” an Iguana that Josh acquired before we got married...He was a little guy back then, by the time he passed on he was about 5’5” he was huge…He escaped during the spring and lived out the summer in our backyard and the neighbors front tree. The first freeze that year he didn’t make it. So I dreamt the other night that I had moved into my house and I had this great huge porcelain tub sitting in my bathroom…I came from the other room holding an iguana, which to me was the freak in “dream-form”…as if he came to visit me...I picked him up and oddly he wasn’t scratching or trying to get loose…I drew a bath of a lukewarm water…I set him at the edge to the tub and let him slide slowly into the bath, he swam with such peace, swimming gracefully back and forth, diving into the water and swishing his body like a snake, .his pudgy arms straight at his side. He then turned into a cartoon type character, turned over on his back and looked up at me with a smile on his face….it made me giggle, and I felt overjoyed with happiness…it’s as if he had a human spirit and consciousness...he was happy to be in the water and happy to see me!

My last dream was early Tuesday morning…The most intense of my dreams this week..I won’t go into much detail. Only because there is a lot to go along with it…For the most part...there was an invasion on earth, spaceships in the sky, I was freaked out, trying to find cover…I was so wigged out at one point I was sitting on the ground trying to dig a hole that I could hide in. there were thousands of lights above my head each one a mother ship…there were people running, missiles flying…it was totally crazy, insane and quite possibly could have made a great movie had I been able to remember all of the details...So that’s it for my dreams this week. I’m sure there will be many more, since I started all of this house stuff...my brain has been very active at night...it’s kinda been fun, a little creepy here and there…but nevertheless entertaining to my mind

Happy dreaming...


13 August, 2009

oh cloudy day

If you did not know or had not figured out by now...I love the sky, the clouds..and of course the Sun, Moon and Stars, they have been triggers for some of life's deepest curiosities and the most profound mysteries...I keep my camera with me at all times...just in case I need to pull over and catch some life's natural beauty...This morning was one of those days. I got up at 9:00am to meet Jocelyn my Realtor at the house...We scheduled a foundation inspection and all went well...The clouds in the sky today were truly amazing, they had me in a trance..with their stunning beauty...My pictures don't do justice to what the sky painted me today...but I snapped some photo's anyway The other night Josh and I got to see some of the Perseid meteor shower!! It was awesome..it happens every August. I went out at Midnight and it was too cloudy..then at 1:30 still a little cloudy...then we went out at 3:00am, we popped open the tail gait of the truck and both just laid down starring up into the great unknown...we were out there a good 10 minutes and then it happened...a huge meteor shot across the sky; I gasped and sat straight up clutching my chest. It gives me chills to see something like that..it was so neat so much bigger than all the little things in life, things are happening out there while we just go about our business down here. In all we saw 3 that night. Had we not lived in the city we could have seen many more..But I was satisfied with what we got to see. I will never forget it! It was great to experience that with my Pnut(Josh) making memories is a lot of fun! As a kid I would beg my papa to stay up late when there was a lunar eclipse. He bought a telescope and we always looked to the skies for enjoyment...I was so curious about space and the skies when I was young..it's something I never grew out of. I miss my grandfather. He was an open minded man back then..only I was to young to know or even understand..I wish I could see him now..it would be amazing to talk to him about all the things I've learned over the years..how I've continued to love space even after he left us so long ago, to tell him we have lil robots on Mars..I can see him grinning now :o)..I can remember always waiting and waiting and then falling asleep on the couch..he'd come running into the living room "It's time get up..it's time to come see" We drove my grandmother crazy I'm sure... I'd be half asleep with my hair a mess, and my brain still vaguely swimming in dream land..and after just a moment of peaking into the telescope I lit up like a star, danced on the porch and threw my arms in air ..I would get so excited and just stand there in amazement looking into the sky....I really didn't realize how much my heart missed him until now we have some good memories...this one's for you papa!


11 August, 2009

Chasing sunsets

This evening I drove through the cemetery on the way home from dropping my brother off. It was kind of weird; I didn't plan it..I just kinda wound up there chasing the sunset.I have been serving as "Local Taxi" to my family over the last several months, my brother has his rehab classes, my grandmother her gazillion doctors appointments, and my dad with his strokes and needing to go to the grocery store at the most inconvenient times..they are a mess..But with great love and the deepest affection I say to you "they are my mess...they drive me crazy, but I love them with all my heart" and I offered to help when my Bro went to rehab..It was one of the stipulations of him going, we kinda made a deal..but hey it's been the best damn deal we've made in a very long time..I'm proud of him..he's staying strong and doing well, taking it day by day..I remember saying "If you go and lose your car (which he did) I will help you no matter what happens" Of course I was being Lil Big sis, and needed to swoop in and take action..I just didn't realize how big of a task it would be..especially when you are in the middle of trying to buy a house. So on day's like today I say to myself.."I got him into rehab it's my duty to see him through recovery" that's what family is for..plus he needs all the support he can get..he has a lot on his plate..
On my way home I was starring face to face with a beautiful sunset, it was speaking to me, painting a beautiful picture that my mind was getting lost in. It was talking to my soul, and the song's on the radio were sent from the Radio Gods just for me, it was a perfect moment, I felt at peace with myself for the first time in a while...a good feeling deep within that things are going to work out no matter what..things will happen even if it takes them a while. One of those moments when I'd look out into the sky and realized that my life was moving and the sunset was moving and I had to catch it, we are all apart of everything, my life has been moving all along the whole time..I just didn't stop to realize it. With the house thing I am totally in tune with my responsibilities at the moment, it feels good, I feel good..and very focused haha..That is a really good feeling. My life is no longer standing still..but in fact change is upon me, blowing all around..
That is why I had the urge to chase the sun and get my inspirational motivation in picture form. Josh forbids me to go down to the river at sunset alone so I make do with parking lots and such...It's not too bad :o) I used to stomp my foot in protest and of course say "I'm an adult I can take care of myself, just because I'm a woman you think I am weak, blah blah blah" overtime I guess I'm starting to realize he really is just looking out for me..and doesn't want anything to happen to my well being.It's sweet in a romantic kinda way and sometimes I just feel so irked at hearing those words.."You're going down there?!?..at this time?!?..by yourself!!" I can laugh about it now because I have no need to take my camera, throw on my granny shades and sit by the river taking pictures of things I really wish were giant mountains and sandy beaches. Driving through Mt Olivet cemetery was quite an interesting and peaceful experience..I never knew how big it was...never did I imagine it was that large..from the street it looks small, neat and quiet a little like one of those cemetery's you see in the movies, except it wasn't cloudy and it wasn't cold or rainy. It was quiet, emerald green..it was quite peaceful...I drove all the way to the back so I would not offend anyone there morning for their lost loved one's or who knows cursing their loved one's for leaving them with debt or crazy greedy kids..what ever they were feeling I was not about to be apart of it..and I didn't want them to see me and wonder what this crazy woman with a camera is doing driving up and down the street's stopping for a few seconds only to stop again a few feet ahead..I was chasing that perfect spot.. that perfect shot..I don't think I found it..but being there..something about it was captivating..I really can't explain it..it was just oddly soothing to be there for a moment..so many tall and full trees, with the sunset peaking through in little patches..it was a beautiful place. If I wanted to buried I guess I wouldn't mind being placed 6ft under one of those big green shade trees...and the grass...ohhh the grass was so green..I almost wanted to take my shoes off and go walk through it..but I thought that might look a little strange...


06 August, 2009

my epic dream...August 2009

I have many dreams, but about every 4-6 months I have these unbelievably intense dreams about space, planets, the sun, moon and the earth, end of the world type stuff..they are so very real..each one different, yet similar other ways..they are very heavy and stay with me for years...I'm not really sure why I have them..but they are amazing...sometimes a little too scary!
In my dream we (family and friends) are all sitting around the house watching TV and talking about the fact that it’s 2012, Joking like we did when Y2K came around…and we’re laughing and joking about how nothing has happened…You know because so many people believe the world will end in 2012...Suddenly my mind is transported to some place. Maybe the white house, NASA, or some underground place where there are Astrologists and Cosmologists, scientist...hell I don’t know but people of importance, people who watch the skies for a living…. I was standing in the room off to the side as if no one really knew I was there…I can see on these huge screens the planetary system and people pointing and talking and saying that something is happening out there. They are worried, it causes me to worry, I get panicky, they were using words that sounded crazy and times, and numbers it’s difficult to remember word for word what was in my dream. I woke up to a phone call from my realtor in the non-dream world up so it was hard hanging on to all the details…It’s as if they were saying that several planet’s lined up, I guess my brain pulled up that file…hahah the Great Alignment...lol .In my head I could see Neptune, Jupiter, Saturn and other planets. those are the ones that just came right to my mind when I saw them…it’s as if I knew exactly which ones were which I could see them all in a line. As if they were hanging in front of me on fishing wire…like I could reach out and just grab one of them. With all that I was seeing in my head I was suddenly back inside the living room with the people I was with. Family I think. But I can’t say for sure it’s always people who feel like family and friends, but I usually never really see their faces. Not often…. It was night time, the air was thick, and people were nervous feeling, lots of people were outside their homes gawking and pointing, even crying out and screaming, but also laughing and joking as if it was amusing that people were getting wound up and scared. Outside it was dark; not pitch dark. Dark like your in a lit up parking lot. We are looking at the sky; we can see the moon and it's not as big as it usually is in my dreams! Normally it's as big as an orange. Part of the moon is smoking…as if it’s burning; only it doesn’t look like it’s on fire…it’s eerie thought to think that anything would be going on because everyone’s joked about it for so long, that I think a lot of people have a very small part inside them that gets fearful at the thought “What if something did happen” Well …That something was happening. And we were all standing around in complete shock not knowing what to expect…but in my dream, I knew what to expect…I’ve had a lot of these dreams now so I felt more at home in this dream…as I watched the moon continue to smoke I was again back at the “place” where all the Space people and government people were…I could see them seeing what was happening and just completely wigging out it’s not as if they could hide it from the people. Once people on the ground started to notice anything at all…it spread around the world like wildfire, it was a world wide event, everyone everywhere that was outside or within reach of a TV, radio, internet… knew that something was happening way out there and we had no idea what was going to happen. Standing outside again we are watching the moon smoke and there is all of this cloudy vapor type stuff way out in the sky. Not like normal clouds. these were unexplainable, hard to make sense of…the moon suddenly started to burn and fall apart, I ran into the house at this moment, I can remember slamming the door once we were in, and it suddenly got very bright in the room as if the entire sky lit up. I closed my eyes instinctively, then suddenly it was back to regular dim light, everything sounded odd. Actually there was no sound. Nothing was happening, there were no lights, we were completely powerless standing there watching the moon as burned in the sky like the tip of a lit cigarette, it looked as though it was falling to the earth in slow motion and that was all I remember…

goodnight...and happy dreaming :o)

04 August, 2009

Hello Sunrise..

I normally work the night shift..so there comes a time when I have to make the dreaded turn-around..Eekkk!!...Don't get me wrong it's not the worst thing that can happen to a person..It's just difficult getting home and having to be back at work in 6 hours. Once I'm there I'm good..it's the getting to sleep and the waking back up in such a short amount of time; that really gets me. Normally I can't sleep so I take A few Melatonin to fall asleep and then I'm like a brainless zombie when I have to get up..lol..there I am dragging my half asleep, still kinda dreaming, drunk-like body out to the car, making sure I have my phone, my key's, the right cloths on, name tag..my camera...*I always have my camera*...and making sure the make-up I forgot to take off last night isn't smeared across my face..lol..okay so maybe not the make up thing...that was back in my early twenties.."The Party all night, don't go to sleep just go straight to work, get a red-bull and worry about sleep later" days...I've grown up a bit since then..but you get my point...the turnaround kicks my ass now..How lame..I'm starting to show my age..hehehe...**Earth**Paging Crystal, get your lazy ass up and get moving, the car isn't going to start it's self"..haha One of the best parts about the turn-around...is that the sun greets me and watches over me as I make the trek to work...as if's it's telling me.."Wake up sleepy Crito, Did you sleep well..have any dreams??..Have a good day..we'll catch up at three!..The morning sun brings out in me such a natural happiness, It's beautiful, it makes me feel alive, and when I see it..I know that I am alive..it's the true start of the day...one I feel from the very depths of my soul..I often miss it because of my night schedule. What's really weird is seeing the Moon out on your way home...and getting back up in those few hours to drive back and you see the moon out still..just about to fade away..as if it waited all night for you..just for you!

28 July, 2009

Love and its charismatic anger

There she stood in the middle of the room trash bag in hand, her mind spinning, hands on her hips, tears pouring from her red and puffy face. Thoughts were fighting, screaming and shoving about inside her head, like birds fluttering in a rattled birdcage…She could not think of any more words to explain her frustration, and she could not make the throbbing anger subside; for it boiled inside her with in such a ferocious grip. He sat there before her, with a fierce face and strong words, his walls were up and they were high, he seems so powerful at times, so intimidating… a force not to be messed with…She just starred at him, his lips were moving and everything that came from his mouth was painfully hard to bear and at times a little too dramatic for her tastes, she could not understand his need for control, nor his insecurities being projected at her…his words were logical in one aspect and completely irrational in another, they stung her like a bee, he was unbeatable, selfish, and cold. Neither of them could see past their own wounds …She was about to explode, her mind was just not in the right place, and he was pressing all the right buttons…unable to contain herself. Her emotions enveloped her like the rising sun on a very sleepy city…she just let go and allowed them to carry her away, call it a moment of insanity, hormones, what ever you want! To her it was a moment of emotional self defense, pride, and hardheadedness spilling from her heart and mouth, she had lost all control…There was a slamming of the door, and then another, a few shouts that came out in a high-pitched scream, “Shuuuut Up” She had never lashed out like this. What was going on…she thought “Why again are we fighting, what started this”, . She was stunned and then immediately regretful of her actions...Her childlike behavior, her inability to control herself… But she had enough! No longer could she contain her ever dwindling sanity, and play the game of words. He was a skilled player… Sobs echoed from the bathroom, as she sat at the edge of the tub, head tightly held in her sweaty and shaky hands, her heart pounded feeling as if it would jump out of her chest and slap her across the face. She was now full of guilt and anger, anger that she had been pushed to the edge, guilty for lashing out with no class, she was animal like and raw, roaring loudly… Why was her anger playing her like a puppet, as if she were under some sort of mind control or spell? Was she really that weak? Why had she let herself take the bait and be dragged into a fire pit of swelling emotion, why not let it be, and wait for it to pass… what could possibly make the delicate bird so frazzled….so angry? Anger that swelled deep inside; of which came around in full force every great while…She desired her own thought at times he took it from her, she needs her own opinions, her own existence as a free thinking human being, as a creative and passionate creature…She does not want to be judged by that who claims to be her true love, she must be allowed to spread the beautiful wings that first attracted him… why was she allowing this to ensue? Was he unconsciously robbing her of her own unique identity, was he manipulating her very thought processes, trying to break her down so that she may be more even more malleable. Was she her self so riddled with insecurities that she could not understand his true nature …Did he really lover her, as much as he said he did...So many thought’s consumer her in this epic moment of pure and natural human instinct, the ultimate battle of one’s right to be heard and ones own understood falling through the floor. …Is it him, or is it really her; just losing control? Or are they both just held in the clutches of a deep growing love that’s constantly stretching and molding them to fit into shape, they are forced to bond in way’s never thought about, never imagined, and way’s that hurt along the way… those will be the moments that define them as a couple…where they go from there is what matters most…their love will override any amount of anger given a nights rest and a day of quiet understanding…Reflection is a beautiful part in it’s self. Because that is when they will learn the lessons that are meant to be found… and carried on...

To Love and its many mysteries..


23 July, 2009

Date Night with Harry Potter

Well…I finally got to see the long awaited Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince Movie...It was supposed to come out last Nov..however Twilight took it's spot..I was so sad..and disappointed..I felt like I had already waited long enough...But nevertheless it's here and sooo worth the long wait.. I got up and bought tickets at like 11:00am for the Midnight showing...It was fantastic…I absolutely loved it...Josh and I actually started our Harry Potter Marathon several day’s before…We watched all of them…and watched the Order of the Phoenix right before we left for the midnight showing… They of course left a few things out…But I’m not upset at that...Read the Books if you want all the details…lol…Now I patiently wait for the first half of the Deathly Hallows to come out…Come on 2010!!! I think in the mean time I may have to jump on the Twilight bandwagon...I said I wasn’t going to read it...but I’m slowly changing my mind..I desperately need a new book series to get sucked into…I’m currently reading “Change of Heart” So far so good…I’ve probably got about a week left of reading that one…

In other news…Josh and I have been approved for a home loan…Eeeeek! Totally excited!!! We’ve gone to see 3 houses so far and today we saw one that we both really...really liked…It will be a long process requiring much patients on my part..But I am overjoyed at the thought of owning our very own home…We’re not looking for anything to fancy, under a 100,000…The one today was built in the 60’s it was cute…Large living room…good sized kitchen..3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms…Awesome is all I can say…It seemed perfect…Need’s a small amount of work mostly cosmetic like paint and such. The best part is that it’s in the exact neighborhood that we want to live in…Close to our family…it’s not the Ghetto..hahaha..We have lived in the Riverside area for about 5 years now... it’s really worn on us, and left us with a bad taste in our mouths. No more gun shots in the middle of the night..Hopefully our neighbors wont be crack heads…We are ready to move out of lil-Mexico…and into suburbia hahaha…I’m just ready for the next chapter in our lives…and buying a home is a big step…can’t wait!!!


21 July, 2009

Down by the River

It finally rained this morning…it was dark and cloudy, made me pine for the fall and winter months :o) It was a light rain; at least it was something…I went down to the river back at the end of June…it was looking so pretty, glistening in the sunset…Absolutely beautiful, somewhat full…not to the brim…but it was definitely flowing nicely. Over the last several weeks it’s been shrinking before my eye’s. I drive over the river everyday to and from work. I always wind up peering out my window at it's curious tranquility but it’s slowly shrinking because it's so damn hot!!! and we've not had hardly enough rain… Maybe I should perform an ancient rain dance..lol A cool front blew in over the weekend. Instead of being 103 or 104 it’s only been in the upper 90’s not much of a cool front when you think about it. Whew. Still very hot…especially when you’re in the direct sun or you’re wearing a black suite and have to valet cars and run around in the sun…that’s the worst. It just beats down on you…

Along the dry cracked river bed I found many shells and animal bones, small rodents and other types, something that looked like a lobster claw. I found a huge muscle shell. I brought it home and cleaned it all up... It’s odd. I guess I really did’t expect to see the bones...but Hey; such is life… it was interesting, kind of adventurous. I felt like a paleontologist. Ha-ha I dug into the ground ran across odd looking rocks and tiny shells everywhere. There was also a large amount of trash buried in the sand and dirt. Makes me want get a group together. And spend a few hours with trash bags just picking up everything that’s there…It was so hot when I went to the river that day that after just 15 minutes of being in the sun sweat was pouring off my face...I could feel the salt burning my eye's..my body was probably cussing me out wondering what the hell I was doing in the sun like that..No worries..I had my SPF...It was insanely hot! It was however..a nice lil adventure for me, my camera, and the beauty of nature surrounding me..It felt relaxing and therapeutic.


12 July, 2009

helping him find his self again...

It’s been 3 weeks since I dropped my Brother off at a rehab facility in Dallas…we left early in the morning and drove into to Dallas from downtown fort worth…it’ was a drive that I will remember for quite a while…or at least I can say it will stick with me for years to come…The sky was unforgettable that morning…just beautiful..And since I'm so not an early riser I had to take pictures of the sunrise...absolutely breathtaking.

For several months my brother has been spiraling downward from a relapse with methanphetamines, or speed, ice, Tina..... My uncle a dealer, was just handing it over to him, so that he could use my brothers car...so my Brother just completely fell of the wagon...getting money any which way he could to pay for that "last" little bag, staying gone for 8 hours when he was just supposed to go and get a pack of cigarettes..he'd been unstable, unstoppable, without a solid foundation to stand on...absolutely no willpower! I can honestly say I understand because I myself had been there about 3 years ago...I was an addict for a few years so a large part of me can understand where my brother's desperation comes from...that addictive nature that runs through our blood and tickles our brains in the most natural way...that desperate need to escapes one's current reality. He was on the road to living under a bridge in no time if he didn't get help..."Cover your pain with a veil of meth and you won't care about yourself, anyone, or anything around you" It's a sad place to be, it's lonely and Meth steals away your conscious mind, it takes control of you and you're just locked up in your head without the will to want to fight...I was thankful when he called me in tears, crying. It was time for something to be done. I would like to say that my side of the family is supportive, and they are in a strange way. However they are rather negative people, and when you are surrounded by negativity it's even harder to fight your own battles ...

He had a huge bowl of fruity pebbles before I picked him up, Teresa was waiting patiently ( his wife) he had his bag packed and a smile on her face...He was ready to go...On the way we jammed to some old Rock with the occasional hip hop song, I could feel that it was lifting him up a bit...As we got closer he became more agitated, and said he was so nervous. He felt he ws going to throw up...I just said.."Hey You're gonna be just fine" He smoked his last cigarette on the way and when we got there we had to wait outside with all the other people who were checking into homeward bound Trinity center..He got freaked out when we first pulled up, there were bums, homeless people all over the lawn, he immediately got scared started to feel very negative about the whole situation, he said "I don't think this is the right place for me to be at" I said.."CJ do you see those people? That is who you are going to be if you do not try this rehab out, you will wind up like them faster than you can imagine"..The difference is that my brother chose to check himself into rehab, the other's were there either by police force, or mandatory per the state, CPS, probation...etc....But I think it was good for him to see it like that, see those people whom had already lost more control than he could imagine...He needed to see what life is like when you don't seek help on your own...It's never good to just see what happens...you have to find help or someone that can help you...Addiction is a road well traveled, but most of it's travelers are left with soulless bodies that are broken down and weak" I love my Brother with all of my heart..I will be there for him in any way possible...I love him that's all I can say..and I hope that he's found at least some part of himself that had been lost.

10 July, 2009


A few weeks back I was at the pool with my nomadic,pregnant,love-lost,trying to find herself-cousin Madeline...I lover her to death!!! but girl got herself in a hard spot right now..she's trying, and she's a fighter so..I believe she will rise up and meet her challenge.Soo..we went to the pool at my ma's apartment complex..the sun was bright, the water warm from the 103 degree weather outside...the sky was cobalt blue..and there were these giant puffy clouds everywhere..they were beautiful, it looked as though Daisy my picawawa got a hold of a bag of cotton balls and just tore across the sky..love it!

06 July, 2009

We are alike in so many ways, yet fighting to be different in so little ways

We are alike in so many ways, and fighting to be different in so little ways. We are all beings, either coming or going, but we’re all here together, and we all basically want the same things, values, peace, Justice and Freedoms. Notice How I left religion out? That’s a whole other story…My point is… We are everywhere… on different sides of the world, in the same neighborhoods, some in secret, some afraid to speak out, most unable to open their minds, fear of the repercussions from the Establishment maybe?…We all want a better future; we all want a safe world for our children and family to come...Why must we continue to wage wars that will not be won; Wars that bloom from seeds of fearful necessity and infectious greed? Peace and truth in Justice…it seems like such a cliche to want something so trivial... I wait patiently for more signs of social enlightenment, open-mindedness, and individual growth..it's a beautiful thing to watch not only yourself grow but those around you as well; I know it seems too far out of reach… But one can still dream right?....and when I say "Grow" what I mean...is..Actually finding that little part of what makes you who you are, that part that makes you unique...yet still a piece to the bigger puzzle...I wish for more people to just let go of all the bullshit that emotionally weights them down. I wish for more people to just be happy with who they are instead of trying to be what someone else wants them to be. I wish for so many things...and that's okay... I will continue to have hope for humanity as a whole!

I wanna fly to the moon

I want to fly to the moon…

I want to take a road trip, to nowhere and take the long way, I want to stop at mom and pop shops and take in the beauty of life it's self…I wanna jam out to Lynard Skinard, the Beatles, Pink Floyd and many more while smoking a doobie on a long country road. I want to feel the sun in my face and the wind in my hair…I want to get away and feel the world breathe around me… I'm tired of this mundane simple routine of life, I want life to happen, I want a child to watch grow up…I wanna see the sunset on the ocean, I want to drive through mountains, and get lost in the woods, I want to be anywhere but here….I just want to go run free into the great world and find new things, and places I've never seen, never even heard of…I just want to be me, free from work, from family, free from my own restraints…I want to be so small and overlooked that no one gives a flip…hahahah I really do care…But there is this huge part of me that needs to run wild through the world, I need to see things for my self, I want to help and build communities that have been damaged, I want to feel like what I'm doing in life really matters, not to the world or others but to me..…I feel there is so much more I could do with my time, that would really be beneficial to the world and people who live in it…I'm stuck…Between real life and what I wish life was like….I should have nothing to complain about, yet there is something I'm not getting out of life…I go to work, and pay bills, get groceries, feed the dogs, it's life at It's simplest…yet I want to rock the boat and have more excitement…

05 July, 2009

dancing in the wake of dawn

Take away this day from me

So I; may no longer be.

Stuck inside my wondering mind,

Give me just a piece of time.

In my mind of written pages

You are there through the ages

Painting time and flying high

Through the distant calming sky.

The lustful night awaits us

Get your things dont make a fuss

We are always on the go

Why not stop and see the show.

Dancing in the wake of dawn

You look at me and yawn.

Now were off to clear our head

Beckoned by our calling bed

Tickled Pink

Sometimes Laughter isn't funny

Like a bee hive without any honey

And sometime when the sky is gray

You want the sun to come and play

What if a rainbow springs a leak

And the gray sky is tickled pink

Will you giggle; laugh and say

My what a pretty silly day


07 June, 2009

Epic Dream June

another dream I found written down..I started a dream journal a while back and it's been hiding in a box for a while..I just found it..and it's August..that last time I wrote was in June..lol

Last night I had what I call an Epic Dream…I was outside and the moon was big in the sky. It was huge!! It had an odd color to it…blue and light orange colors swirled through it…It almost looked like another planet had jumped into our sky...But deep within me I knew for some reason that it was indeed the moon. Something crazy had happened. There were no means of communication through phones, internet or TV...It’s as if suddenly time was standing still. I was fearful inside, I was afraid of what was happening because I did not know what the hell was going on. I normally don’t have dreams with Josh but he was in the dream. We were in two different places. This deep fear hit me. Would I be able to get to Josh? Would we both be trying to get to one another and miss each other along the way?…When the sun came out it was bright but not as bright as if it were daylight…It was dark outside, lit by the odd moon… then the sun was there this giant orange ball hanging in the sky it seemed much closer than the moon did…and in my dream I mean that the sun was like a basked ball in the sky…maybe bigger...that compared to holding up a quarter and saying that’s the normal size…it was just looming in the sky while panic started to set in. all I could think was that “I had to find Josh” the dream turns into action after this… I was hiding in random houses, many people fled their homes or were being killed I don’t know what was happening but people were lying all over the place…like they had just lain down to sleep, but they were dead. I don’t know what killed them. I just know that I had this animal like instinct to hide…like I could not be caught or seen, or captured it was very real and intense feeling. Along my way I ran into my dad, he had a back pack, so he gave it to me and said “You’ll need this more then me” Then I was rummaging through some house I was getting stuff I would need to survive. I just remembered tossing stuff to the side that I did not need and shoving other stuff in the backpack. I was frantic then from a distance I see Josh he is just staring at the ground almost like a statue, I start to run to him. He does not move or see me. I wake up before reaching him…I lost most of the details of this dream because I waited the entire day before I could write it out...ugh… Extremely intense...very strange

25 March, 2009

Dream March 25

I was in a field a huge open area that had tree’s along the horizon, I was with some other people a few friends...and I think my brother and sister in-law, we were running along side a ditch, there were hills around us but not many trees; except in the distance. There was a lot of wind; suddenly I fell to the ground and dug my arms deep into the earth. I was elbow deep grass and dirt, When I looked behind myself I looked along the ditch…I could see mini tornados forming within the ditch, they seemed to appear out of no where, and they came right for me, I buried my head in my arms and the dirt that surrounded me…they tornados would blow right over me, causing me to feel so freaked out, I would not say horrified. Just freaked out…Today is my birthday. I had several dreams last night. What a great birthday present…the dream was so weird…4 times the tornados came at me, I wasn’t hurt or anything…This dream was on the small side compared to the last tornado dream I had…I was sitting on my bed looking out the window and I could see this huge ominous cloud coming our way, I knew it was a tornado, and by the time it got to us is it was magnificent, Huge and truly amazing…it came up on the house and was just tearing it apart, I could feel the house being pulled apart and feel things buzzing past my body… I remember laying back down on the bed screaming “This is it; hang on” I felt my bed and my body being lifted into the air, I was laying flat on my back with my eye’s closed, and my hands tightly wound up in the sheets. I was floating in the sky I had this sudden peaceful feeling that overcame my entire being…I remember feeling like “This was It I was about to die” as soon as that thought entered into my head I was right back on the ground with chaos surrounding me...But I was alive...so I guess that’s all that really mattered. In my early teens and early 20’s I never had dreams about tornados…there’s are fairly new to my dreamscape

05 March, 2009

my peaceful aura is changing color

Life at the moment is still and quiet like an empty field in the early morning hours right before the sun rises and birds begin to chirp. My mind is active; my heart worrisome, and my peaceful aura is changing color…it's beyond my control now; it's taking a path of its own, leading me in a direction slightly unknown. Life is changing like it does so frequently, people come and people go. It's as if life around me is changing so much and I am standing at the beginning of this long dirt road watching life fly by…Families are blooming, falling apart, people are growing and moving on, babies are being made, and lives are being written…Maybe it's just the long summer months that make me feel so funky…I really do believe some people are happier In the winter and fall months…I being one of those people…My moods are seasonal...Hahahah...Sure call it rubbish. But it's no lie…the summer months leave my mind bored and yearning for action packed adventure…Where the hell is my action packed adventure? Tell me where the hell is it?? I think schools shouldn't give children the whole summer off; it sets you up for disappointment when you grow up and don't get summer vacations. lol Ugh.....

02 March, 2009

Unconscious Sabotage

There are things we sometimes do to our self, and it progressively kills the life within us, I'd like to think of it as Unconscious Sabotage. Treading along in life without change, subconsciously, and unconsciously we make choices based upon a superficial feeling. We sabotage our own progress before we know progress is needed. Perhaps derived from fear, we continue to disable our logical strength and allow an epic battle to be played out within the conscious being. Why? We base our current state: in life; upon an emotional battle going on deep within, of course! You say to your self; as humans with such multifaceted emotions, we are often the prey of our own meticulous yet legendary hunt.

My question is: how exactly do we step outside the moment and honestly look at the consequence? How does one keep from being pulled into the attractive poison of life's secretes? Like honey bee's we are drawn to self doubt, self hate, depression, jealousy, anger, rage, more hate, and a handicapped ability to accept responsibility for our own actions, oh wait and disillusionment. Well what I mean by disillusionment is; that sometimes life can be so up in your face that you tune it all out or make it rational in your own mind in order to deal with it for the moment, and then we continue on auto pilot. Doing everything you've always done and nothing more. And that is just it; "Nothing More". Auto Pilot is not a healthy way to live, and yet so many of us do it day in and day out, going to work, going home, doing the same thing everyday with out change. It's like sanding your soul, slowly wearing down the layers making you more vulnerable to falling apart

09 January, 2009


I've walk the endless road of doubt

in search of unfound thought and unplanned meaning

Stories are told; lives are lost; forever unmentioned

Will I follow and float within the sea of lost forgotten thoughts?

Perhaps I know something more than obvious

I gracefully leap off this magnetic cloud of fear laced routine.

Leaving behind darkened times of weakened shame

Cushioning my steps, are memories of contagious laughter

and long lost touch friendly to all who stand in line.

for I am embraced by love unconditionally

a beauty in full bloom, This soul has a thing or two to learn

caressed by vivid and evoking glances

your soft stare penetrates my longing need for touch

quiet sounds of love mingle in the air

Anxiously; pondering the next touchdown.

I am penetrated by his heart-wrenching gaze

I am frozen in this timeless moment

Melting in my very own pool of emotion

I bathe myself in the scattered light

Taking in the essence of love in the boldest form

i am birthed into a new light of lasting soulful grace

I say to the world

Look at me here, crawling in puddles of confusion

You gave me reason to question

You gave me reason to grow

You left out the guided tour

And burned the map years ago

Now on my humble way

I'm lost; somehow going the right way

Yearning for an answer

And an easy way to fly

a way to get there fast and free

as I spread my newly grown wings

i do not look back

with music in my heart

Melody flows throughout my youthful mind

my landing gear is gone and I soar on thoughts unknown

everlasting love grows freely from your limbs

sprouting fruit that provides me with life's little answers

thank you for your cold thoughts, and words less than kind

your brutal wisdom, and razor sharp mind

for I have suffered and left it all behind

Now I play the game so well

you taught me truth

you taught me love

how to hate and how to forgive

so much you have taken, so little you have given

now ride with me to the edge of time

where we'll sit and paint the hands of time.

together in truth we shall remain

one as all, and full of life

despite the broken chapters

time will mend and close all wounds.

Random thoughts

So I finally finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows the other night, i was pleased it was fantastic...and now i cant wait for the next movie to come out, I read The Order of The Phoenix and just couldn't stop so I had to read the last one…Laugh if you must, I know I'm a bit of a dork, but I love that part of myself, one thing I've learned is that it honestly doesn't matter what others think of you…it's how you feel about yourself…but I had been so enthralled in the story these last couple weeks, that now I'm finished and need to obsessively read something else something just as good…. before my brain explodes in on it's self. Last night I found myself quite annoyed with the television…normally my nights have consisted of watching meaningless crap on TV while I sit pondering life and get no answers, only more questions… since reading the books over the last few weeks I now am completely dissatisfied with everything on TV except for lost, and my all time favorite Voyager…. These political debates and non-stop ramblings of TV anchors is driving me to not give a shit…they say the same ol shit everyday, and plant fear into your head to make you feel insane….any-who reading the stories of Harry Potter were great, It as if I were living the story, obsessively reading each and every chapter hoping it would not end; wishing in some small ridiculous way that life really involved magic… I normally only liked to read books about factual things, real life facts and things about history…. I now have been hurdled into this science fiction world and need more to fill my head, reading the words and thoughts another created is absolutely fascinating, there is something passionate about it… I enjoy the idea of escaping reality through a book, I often wish I were the characters in the books, wishing those were the problems I would need to fix rather than my own life…now I just need a new book to read any suggestions? I've also noted that reading before going to bed has been helping me sleep, it calms the overactive side of my brain that thinks sleep is not a necessity…my brain is still uneasy I'm about to be 25 and what have I done with my life???…I feel like I'm working at a job that I can't imagine working at for the next 5 years, I want to do work that requires all of my potential, my intelligence, my creativity, my passion…. I want work that require all of me, not part of me I'm tired of being a robot in society…And I'm so tired of kissing peoples asses that I'd rather kick, the guest services industry just wears the shit out of you, you become angry and uncaring towards people…. Bitchy guests are getting to me but why? Why should I care? Is it really the guest who gets to me, or is it that I am so tired of dealing with people and their small petty issues that I have no care left for them??? They are just people with issues their selves…I've found myself lately wanting an entire change of scenery in my life…I've been thinking back to things that drove my passion in high school other that Josh… I remember writing all the time, as I have over the last 5 years, it truly is a passion of mine, but only comes in moments of desperation's, or inspiration…Why cant I have it all the time? Just like my art, I love to draw, but only when inspired, when people ask me to draw I feel panic rising up inside, will it be good enough, will they like it…I hate to draw on a time limit…ugh my best work comes when I just do it because something inside drives me to do it…. I remember being in theater and loving the idea of playing someone other than myself; that in it's self was an exhilarating way to feel, my mind felt alive and free; able to mold it's self and pop back to normal at any given second. I secretly yearn to be back in that mind set, learning lines and gathering character from deep within myself, only to throw It onto my audience and see what comes of it…. I don't want to be a famous person, indeed I don't want my life publicly flaunted all over the Television, however I do love the idea of escaping in a character and bring to life something that was merely written for the fun of others to enjoy, there is something about being on stage and being someone else for that single moment, it brings joy, and as I watch movies that are intensely touching to the heart I cant help but wish I could be that person that touches the viewers… I'm not saying I want to run off and be an actress I have responsibilities that must be taken care of; I have a life that I've already created, …but I cant deny that passion that lived in me back then, I've just buried them over the years imagining that I could never embark on such possibilities…It would be great to do a play even if just a small play where only 15 people attended it…I don't know why I'm suddenly drawn back to this passion I so easily left behind and gave up on so long ago…Then I ask my self why I gave it up and didn't pursue it…. and I realize that at that time I was in love, my first love and love at the time was much stronger than my ideas of what job I would have in life…I'm not saying I regret my choices because at the time Its exactly what I wanted, and he is everything that keeps life meaningful…Now I'm looking down this long tunnel of my life and I am scared for the first time in a long time…Will each day pass in the same routine it has….will everyday be full of 8 hour shifts and never having weekends off??? I just have no idea what I really want out of life…. and the more I try and figure out what truly makes me happy…I have no idea…well…I have an idea but what if your dreams feel to far out of reach? What do you tell your self when you feel that you are stuck like chuck?? I want so much to give all of myself to what I'm doing in life, everything seems so unfulfilling, and my attempts are half-assed I feel…. Perhaps I should go back and visit my therapist…. but even then they cant tell you what to do they can help guide you…What if you are afraid to make changes because you feel it will make life difficult for others…What do you do when you feel like your not connected to your real self anymore…that everything you thought you knew and felt about your self was so solid that nothing could persuade you to think any differently, and now it's all gone, poof right out the window, no turning back to say goodbye, just bam…All the sudden you don't know where your going??? I hate this feeling…I have no idea what the future holds for me, and right now I'm so impatient that I'm going mad, and I feel as if nothing fruit full will come…My life isn't like I hoped it would be, although I'm really not sure what I thought it would be….. it's not bad but not fulfilling…with no children in sight I need something else to fill my heart with passion and happiness…I need to fix something within my self, yet if feels unmanageable…even though my issues are small they seem giant standing up to greet them…yet I don't know what it is…It's like I'm a happy person, but deep down I am flustered, disappointed, lost, hopeless, and bothered by all that I have not done with my life, but you know, like most, it's easier to throw that happy face on and just pretend rather then facing what disturbs you and following through on action that could possibly relieve you from your stresses, but like most we just continue in the same old fashion I guess hoping that something will change rather then making it change ourselves …. I've had almost 25 years to do something meaningful…and yet here I sit with nothing to really show…I mean I have a marriage…which is by far wonderful, and exquisite something that we both have worked hard to maintain and create…I admire what Josh and I have, because I see so many people who are in relationships because of a specific reason, a constant: if you will, something that forces them to stay…Josh and I have nothing like that, except the love we share for one another…were together because we truly want to be, and as great as that is….I need more out of life, I need to feel like I'm going somewhere or working toward a bigger picture.…I have time to do so much with my life …but again…I really have not accomplished much and that truly disappoints me…I know that it's not a horrible thing…but it just bothers me…I guess it's what I need….to feel this way… so that it will push me to only move forward with more perseverance….well see how it goes…Time will only tell…and I know I will not feel like this forever but…I will be glad when my thoughts land with a softer acceptance from my own mind…

Thanks for listening…and no need to feel sorry…we all have moments when we feel confused…I'm sure mine is no different than any other persons….I guess that is the one beauty in life…is that we all suffer, physically, emotionally and personally…and sharing our thoughts and experiences is what bonds us together…because it's truly one way we are all alike…despite race, culture, religions…we all have dark moments…