12 November, 2006

treading shallow thoughts

walking in the distance I see many questionable paths

I take a break longing to sit and ponder life

rain falling on my soul cleanses my inner confliction

pouring out of my mind are polished thougths

i have yet to start my jouney abroad

weighed down by my own informal needs

i strech out and gaze up at the stars

asking for answers and questioning forethought

lying here in mindful passion

my heart leaps headstrong into the sky

with full force and empty convictions

i am at once everywhere and nowhere

beauty seeks me as age defies me

free of bondaries my heart dances wildy

into the darkened past

stillness of the heart allows no passengers and no pedestrians

alone i wak theis milky way of unconsciousness

treading in shallow thought my soul is half full

the fight of my life..

My life as a sober person has been wholesome, uplifting and most of all groundbreaking.

Groundbreaking why? Because there was honestly a time when I thought I'd never be able to stop using. I honestly thought that for the rest of my life I'd be trying to get my fix. And now that I know I can live with out that fix, I am reborn into a life of happier times. Because I sleep on the weekends, because I wake up happy in the mornings, and I wake up loving life…

I've gained back so much that I lost so long ago. And I am pround of my self for the first time in a very long time.

I have things in life that make me happy to not use...

Like my husband, My dear friends, my God daughter, and new Godson. My family most of all.

Would I want them looking up to me like that? Hell no..

I have friends that I love, and friends that love me, no longer do I have to hide from myself. I have learned to love myself, and love who I am it's been a hard road. But I'm happy to say that I'm going to stay on this road. I cant turn back now, it would be the worst ending to one of my greatest stories.

I am a happier person these days, I get more done..

I laugh at life more, and I try hard at the things that I choose to do. It hasn't been easy, but with the help of a pregnant friend named Sarah early this year in Jan, I was able to see just what my life was all about. She is an honest friend, a blunt friend who would tell you when your fucking up. I stopped honestly because I didnt want Sarah to think I was a bad person...She's the mother of my God-children and her opinion matters a lot. I stopped for many reasons, but she really showed me and told me what I was all about..For her I am oh so thankful..She got mad at me when she knew I was using...I couldn't stand that feeling. It felt like my mom was yelling at me...
But again, without hearing what she really thought, without hearing Josh's true feelings about it all...

I would still be using every day in secret, hoping no one would know.

Free of my destructive meth addiction. And when I mean destructive, I mean earth shattering.The Monkey I fought with for 3-4 years can no longer pray upon my thriving soul. I started smoking meth, and doing ecstasy with a friend, it started out as a weekend thing, something fun to do, we'd sit up all night talking about life, never really solving any of our problems, more less just figuring out where we were. Even then we had no clue where we really were.

I was a weekend warrior. Any drug that came my way, I abused. It honestly didn't matter what it was I did it I just wanted to be high, and not me. Now days I try and ask myself, what was so wrong that I had to hide from myself? Why did I feel the need to terrorize my heart?

My drugs of choice at one time were, ice, ecstasy, coke, pills, shroom's, and acid anything that was offered up to me I did. For some reason I wasn't concerned or even afraid I would die, or become damaged in some way. I guess you could say I thought I was invincible. I was so wrong. I was so very wrong. Your body starts fighting back, your mind gets lost and then you don't even understand why you are the way you are. So you go and cover up all the pain you just caused yourself with more pain. The amount of drugs that Ingested every week, is now unthinkable in my sober mind. I think about it and already my heart wants to pop. How could I have lived when I just pumped my body full of toxins????

How is this possible? sad, No? Not sad at all. Pathetic Yes. In every way thinkable

Meth is so addictive; you don't know you've been pulled under until the whole world is sitting on your chest. You think it makes you happy; and momentarily it does, while in the cracks and crevices of your mind your true self lays abandoned and broken, waiting for you to remember the softness of your being.You think it opens your mind, and maybe it does. I'm a much different person sine I chose a life of drug abuse. But the pain I endured becoming who I am isn't' really the right way to go about it.

Thinking and looking back at all that I had done, I am amazed at myself and sometimes angered. I wonder often how I let myself be so damned destructive. What was I trying to forget? Who was I trying to impress? Who was I trying to hurt?
I love me now, for Me. I am able to look in the mirror, and smile, but I can feel the smile deep within. It's something I could never feel when I was using. When I was using I would look into the mirror, and pray that no one knew how messed up I was. I was hiding from the world and hoping secretly that someone would call me out. Hoping secretly that someone would bust my balls, so that I would have an excuse to stop. I've been watching intervention a lot lately, it really hits me hard, thinking I was in their shoes, and no longer have to struggle as hard to stay happy. But you still have to struggle…

anyone who's had an addiction can tell you that it never goes away..

Well I guess that's not true, in a sense I struggle everyday to stay on top of my growth. It's a battle I fight every time I see my old friends, I think back to all the crazy times we had, all the weekends we spent not sleeping and driving all over town till the sun came up. All the stories we exchanged, all the things I learned about life….

I have moments where I crave that high. Don't get me wrong…..like I said it's a daily struggle, a life long struggle, it doesn't just go away.

13 October, 2006

crazy night with the boy

Holy Crap I am freezing my ass off, literally, well maybe just my nose and fingers. It's nice to have this cool weather, only the Hotel insist on keeping the temperature set cold enough to freeze an ice cube. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I only have few hours left and my Friday starts. Yay, for me who; worked days in a row this week. I sooooo did not want to get out of bed this morning Josh was extra sweet this morning, heheheheh. I love him like a runner loves his shoes.
Wow yesterday was my day off, and I walked everywhere. My ass feels great and you might even be able to bounce a quarter off it. hehehe I slept in which was fantastic, and then I got up and attempted to clean the kitchen. I only got about 75 % of the way through it then I gave up and sat my lazy ass on the couch and watched some awful daytime T.V. Well I guess it wasn't that awful, I sat there watching it for at least an hour and a half while Mary Jane and I rekindled an old flame….

hahaha…I crack me up.

Okay so I put on my sneakers and my sweater, and I was off, off and away. I haven't seen my dad in almost two weeks, so I had been promising him all week that Thursday I'd walk to his house and visit with him. Finally I am a woman of my word. I was stoned off my ass, which Hey I deserved, it was my day off, and I wasn't harming anyone else with my free time illegal activity. But it made for one great walk. It was such a beautiful day, that why wouldn't you walk instead of drive. I only have about a week and a half and I will be up and rolling on four wheels…

Last night. Wow you should have seen Josh and I. I walked to my Dad's during the day I spent the better part of the afternoon there, and I walked probably about 2 miles maybe 3 together there so I wasn't leaving anytime soon. When my brother got home I left so that I wouldn't be walking home in the dark. Since yesterday was my only day off that's all I got done, once I got home I asked josh if he'd walk to the laundry mat with me. We gathered up our cloths into our backpacks, geeeze we sound like little kids. hahahah I thought we were going to walk, but Josh brings the bike and tells me to hop on the handlebars. At first I was hesitant. But once on, the laughter just came flowing out of me. Josh was so spontaneous with the whole riding the bike down Sylvania. We only had to ride about half a mile, but it was soooo fun. I felt scared like a little kid but I wanted more and more of it. We both just kept laughing like little kids, looking at all the other cars looking at us! hahahha

Last night as I lay in bed I just laughed at us. I had the image of myself perched atop these handlebars and him behind peering over my big head. It was a sight to see…..

03 October, 2006

Bus stops, and taxi cabs....

blah blah, bus stop, Wal-Mart, blah blah Blah

So there we were walking our asses to the bus stop at Yucca and Riverside.

It was a bus adventure like no other!

Yes, folk's that's right, two white crackers in the middle of north side scuttle down to the bus stop, no wedding ring, and only the necessary items needed for a Wal-Mart shopping adventure. No purse, extra baggage and no wallet. Just cash ID, and phone in hand.

We have been taking a taxi to and from work for the past 2 weeks, and let me tell you you'll go broke before you know it. You see we should have been able to get the car completely running this past week, but most of our extra money went to taxi cabs. .errr


So that's 20 dollars a day for me, and 40 bucks a day for Josh and I both. It sucks ass. But this is one of those times, where you just have to grin and bear it.

Now the Fort Worth Transportation services have made me a happy woman. I had to be at work this afternoon at 2:30 so I walked 3 blocks to the stop got on the bus at 1:55 and got to work with 10 minutes to spare and all for a lovely fee of 1.25 how fucking amazing is that????Now I can't really take the bus home since the last bus runs at 10:55, but that's all right. Plus Josh would die if he knew I were taking a bus alone late at night in our neighborhood, especially since I have to walk a few blocks in order to get home.

So I never really knew how great it could be. And also when I think about being completely stuck like chuck I'm not. The bus system is there for us to use, and I am sooooo thankful that it's there. Or else I'd be fucked.

You know last night on our adventure I held his hand tight to the bus stop, as if you were kids again walking through the halls of high school hell. I felt safe knowing that if in fact anything did happen, he would always be my protector. It's the little moments such as last night that remind me what love really is. I love him so much, it's kind of sick, and I often feel the need to tell the world how much im in love. But that's just me, I'm that kind of girl, who analyzes everything and nothing all at once.

It's what makes me, me….
You know?

Even when he makes me sooooo mad that I can't think I just love it.

We had a big argument, the other day; it's been so worth it. We both spit out some things that we're making us twitch inside, and now we have a better view as to where we're headed. Well better than we did before.
Even during this hard time I love him and I know from the bottom of my heart that he'll see me through till the end. We've been through some crap before, like most couples, and even though this time seems really hard, it's not that bad because we have each other. We can laugh about the shit that hits the fan, and I can cry, and when it falls back down on top of me. I know he'll be there to clean up and help me figure it all out. That's why I married the fellow….Probably one of the smartest decisions I've made so far in my short, yet long life….
Our car has been out of commission, and because we had procrastinated so much on getting it fixed we're now stuck. Stuck like Chuck….That was part of our discussion, WHY OH WHY DO WE CONTINUE TO PROCRASTINATE??

So now we've agreed to schedule things…. AND STICK BY OUR AGENDA, its hard to stay on track, but we'll be happier in the long run.It's been a bit of a strain to spend all of our money on cabs, I mean we don't live close enough to his parents to beg for a ride, so we just have to deal. I've seen us go through easier times and completely tare each other apart. But right now, I feel like I can depend on him to figure this out. It's moments like this that either break you or make you stronger. And I guess you could say it's making us stronger. We've got a budget planned and should be able to be mobile in about another week.

So for those of you who think I am blowing you off I promise there is a very good and logical reason behind it. I have missed you all and haven't even gotten around to seeing some of you…

But give me a bit more time and I will be there to SHINE!

As soon as I am on all 4 wheels I will be like Santa making my rounds, because I've been really bored stuck at home watching crappy television. I can't wait to have my car back, and then I might not ever be home…
Love always

21 September, 2006

She cries to the man in the moon

There she lay in a pile of delusion.

Pulled under by the current situation

and smothered beneath real time reality.

She's full of past and present illusions.

it isn't as easy as you might think

Breaking down her stone built walls

at the end she's bleeding fast

as her dreams fall down the sink.

she screams , in a color so gallant

she cries to the man in the moon

she laughs herself to oblivion

she hates the ever present challenge.

Cold and alone she's warmed by the dying night

upon awaking she follows the morning star

into the day of new found freedom

She'll go it alone this time with out a fight.

09 September, 2006

The falling night

Night is falling slowly for this aging soul

Taunted by the fretful impending silence

He aches while time is passing quickly by

His mounting pain calls for no more violence.

When do we ever really, or can we ever really understand what it's like to depart this current journey for which we so graciously have embarked upon? Can one honestly reckon with an irrational state of thought and fear that plays amongst the broken televisions sets? Spitting out static left and right. Do we all feel the same way, and when we know it's close do we really know? Is there something within the depths of our mind that shows us time that turns on a dime? How does one know, I do not ask in question for I merely ponder the subject analytically, hoping for some relevant answer to slap me in the face. When all the while answers bounce one by one straight off my chest.

You don't always have to look far for the answers we so desperately seek. Life goes by very slowly some days, and other days, you blink and yesterday is a month away. So what about a lifetime, I cant imagine peering into the book of my entire life! A life time of slow moving days, bonded together by years of turbulent driving may not feel that apparent or even meaningful. That is until you put an expiration date on it. Then somehow life seems lost, un-owned, and even pointless for some. And some people persevere and push through an unimaginable struggle. What makes that difference? I've often wondered and never questioned. However I believe there is no right or wrong answer because we each have fraternal lives. Meaning were brought up in society together, were so alike you and I, perhaps not by color, language, or money, But we all share the human gift of emotional thought, compassion, anger, fear, all of it. A gift selfishly used in some instances. So when we go, we each perceive it differently based upon the emotional cake you have baked over the years. Some crumble fast, some hold out in the freezer for years. I feel that when your on your way to somewhere unknown you draw from your life in order to make you great escape.

When you've lived a life on the streets, in the hood, in abusive relationships, what ever it may be, you leave here with unfinished emotional ties holding you back, locking you in a tumble wheel of emotional movies repeats...ties that will ground you so deeply when it comes time for your soul to move along. Your body will be tired, weak and ready to rest. Yet your restless mind will leave you sick. Sick with regret and anger. The more ties, the more difficult to accept your time is slowly ending. When your sick and lonely life will sit upon you laughing and burning a hole in your heart.

Running from life and never standing up to all that you have left in your path, then life will still catch up with you. One day you will have to look your life right square in the eye and question whether or not you are be happy enough to go on. I guess I'm starting to realize that living my life now is so important to the end of my life. That these days: that pass so slowly could be filled with thought and compassion to the world around me. This world greeted me as my soul was birthed and this world will see me off, when the time comes. I don't want to be looking at a pile of mistakes I would rather see them as my life lessons, my elegant strokes of vivid color splashed across the canvas.

Do we see within ourselves the faded time, and tattered heart, beating deep within our chest? I take my father as a lesson, the greatest lesson in life I'll ever just be handed. A this point he views his life as meaningless, as tho there is so much he screwed up, and perhaps the whole world is looking down on him. In his eyes, not mine. Although he has disappointments within is soul, I look at him with an enormous amount of respect. My father has completely gone from one spectrum to another. In my youth and early adulthood, he was a wondering nomad…

I'd like to say. He lived his life on the edge, the world was his stage and he was the water running throughout the land. Not thinking of time, future, or anyone else. He lived life for him, but still manages to hand out baskets of love and laughter my way. He screwed up his life yes maybe, but he had happy times, we all do. He just looks at all the bad he's done, all the things he's never done. I know that as we've grown closer together and even through all of the hospital visits, he finally has some peace about him and I. For ages my dad has walked around with this guilt cloud high above his head. I see in my father that because his guilt of giving us up for adoption was so intense, when we grew up and really got to know him, he internally punished himself by not allowing his self to be, of feel loved. I know it's sounds odd but many people do that to their selves unknowingly. I get the feeling now that my father really feels that I love him. Even if I lose my dad, I will be thankful for this time were together, learning and teaching one another our different strengths. It's not always a horrible thing when someone goes, it's gonna hurt. It's going to cut me like a rose, while I cry tears of joyful sadness. I'm glad we have this time to feel close. If there is anything I can give my dad, it's my heart, I will be there every step of the way.

It's very difficult to watch your parents struggle with an impending death. My grandparents raised me, my grandfather died of cancer when I was 11, and my grandmother was very open with everything. She wanted us to understand it not fear it. It broke my heart the day he died, somehow it must have been a purpose, a lesson, one that would allow my heart to be guided along this path with my Dad. My dad gave me away as a child, but my purpose for him was so much greater than he or I could have ever imagined.

I'm lucky to have had sadness of this type before in my life, perhaps with out it; I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. I wouldn't hold back the tears for my father's sake and allow him to shed pain on my shoulder. I've watched him, cry, and profess his ultimate fears to me in the past month. He's even told me that he feels that time is running short, he says things he's never said before, I see the tender heart shining softly through his eyes, and voice. He tells me that he loves me something he rarely did often, and how much he never knew that he could feel this love. He tells his fears to me, and so I listen, and don't tell him how to feel. I learn of this man I never quite understood, and now I see the person underneath the jaded mask. I just talk to him, give him company, and companionship of the greatest kind. A father and Daughter bond one that often seems so hard to find for most people I talk too. Something we missed out on when I was growing up. I want to be so sad and thrash around scream it's not fair.

But there's a whole other side to me that knows I must be stronger than my father, now is the time to show him all that he's taught me. I must show him that there is nothing to be afraid of. I know that he'll still have mountains of fear in his heart, but I can give him peace of mind to help the time. There is no need to spend time crying, for if the moment touches me I'll surely indulge in an emotional purge. But for the most part I want him to enjoy the rest of life, honest with himself, and able to wake up and smile. It is important to have joy in the fading night.

In my very darkest deepest emotional moments I turn to writing, most of it is just the ever-present thought playing chase in my head. Writing for me is very therapeutic, something that releases the negative energy I often bottle up and keep tucked neatly beneath the surface. It's me and it's who I am. I often drag on with detailed thoughts, but I'm not a simple girl so why should I write in simple fashion?

Thinking, always

18 August, 2006

What is love?

What is love to you?

How does it make you feel,
how do you make others feel loved,
and how do you need to be loved?

Those are questions people should ask themselves, often.

If Love... is the answer to your life long math equation, then what are the correct variables?

Have you found them? Do you even know where to look?

To me this is love, how I do it, and how I survive it. How you love a person is a very important factor in any relationship.Each person is a different, well-calculated math equation, not all variables work for everyone. Some people need only a few variables to complete the problem, where as some need more than they can carry. I watch as some of my very good friends wade through the shores of this vast sea we call love. I wonder why and how Josh and I are able to have made it this far, I don't call it luck, because love is not lucky, love is hidden beneath layers of emotional clutter, hiding in the crevices of your mind, and taunting you through the night. You need it like a drug, you seek it like a baby taking its first breath, and you feel as though you are not complete with out it.

I ask myself what I can tell my friends, who are wandering down that heartbreak road, and I realize that the only thing I can offer is honesty, an open mind, and a nurturing soul. I cant give anyone the correct answers, because what works for Josh and I, well its a special recipe one with ingredients others might be allergic to. I do however offer experiences of my own accord, heartbreaks within my self, and failures that are written all over my body. You give your spirit for someone to lean on; you don't give your physical self to be trampled upon.

When I think about how we've come this far, there are no simple quick fixes, there are not even maps to get around, and its merely a question you need to ask your self.
Do I see whats right in front of me? Or do I see a mirage that I have consciously created from the depths of my inability to see forward.

I seem to notice that people have an idea of what love is supposed to be, and honestly when I was young and thought of love, I never would have imagined it this way. However I must say, that having a strong love with Josh the way I do, I could never have imagined it being this right. And as difficult as it seems at times, the very base of the things called love is rather easy Yes, we get mad at one another, we even get vindictive in a slight way, we cry, and get really pissed off at one another. But when we fight, the fight doesn't snuggle up in bed with us, we don't cuss at each other, and we don't hit below the belt.

Your lover is supposed to be your friend, not someone you're competing with. Sometimes I cant always express everything I am feeling, but I start to and then he gets it, and even if he doesn't fully get why I freak out, or cry, or get jealous, he understands that I am a human being and that I am intuitive, that I feel the world around me in a very different way than he does. He sees the wheels spinning in my head and he knows whats up.

In a relationship you have to spend a lot of time, not thinking selfishly. Ya, he may have said something that hurt my feelings, but the world isn't coming to an end. Sometime when I don't understand something from him, I think about how I'm currently thinking about it, and then I backtrack I go all the way to the other side, so I can have an idea what hes seeing through his eyes and how hes feeling it. When you don't understand someone don't get angry, travel into your head and find all the little notes you have written about this person, sifting through the written past you'll find the reasons and answers hidden deep beneath it all. And if people would just take the time to honestly listen to one another, then you could hear what each other is calling out for.

I see often that people in relationships are focused on their self, yes its wonderful to focus on your self to an extent but the world doesn't revolve around your emotional core. When in a serious relationship, you think of you and your special someone, when you make decisions whether or not they are involved you still think of them, how will they be affected by this decision, will they approve, like it, not understand. We've all been there, suddenly you are wanting to do something, and then you get irritated that you have to stop and think of what that person will think, even though its irritating and thinking of them might make you change your mind, its called love. Its what you do when you truly care about someone else.

Instead of making a choice based solely upon what you want is the most damaging thing you can do when in a relationship. There are many times where I go freely about my day, doing things the way I need, but when it comes to knowing whats waiting for me at home, I try and figure out the better choice, even if its not what I want to do. But if you can do that for someone else, then you are doing well.

When I chose to go off and be an idiot, and party when I know I really shouldn't, that's selfish. Ive done it before and let me tell you, a the time its a ball even a blast, but then going home and looking into Josh's eyes, knowing I fucked up, its worse than coming down. People give you respect and trust, trusting that you'll handle their hearts with care. And now some people may say, well its your life you can do what you want.

No, no No. That is the wrong way to go about it, I think.

I married this person, I made a choice, and in order to lead a happy life and continue being loved, I must respect the boundaries we've created as a couple.

When you get married or your with someone for a really long time, you kind of create these invisible rules and guidelines that are only understandable by you and your sign-other. Now, you know what things will fly, and what things don't, well when you start saying to yourself, I'm just going to do it and its going to be okay, I'm an adult I can run my life. Well no it doesn't work that way, if you really want someone to love you. I'm not saying that Josh puts his foot down on my and keeps me trapped, in fact I have lots of freedom. What I'm trying to say is that we know what were doing, and when were doing something wrong, or something that's damaging to our self and others, if in your heart you feel that your sign-other would disapprove, then wait a minute and ask them what they think. You may never know if they will agree or disagree unless you step up be a Bold person and see what they think.

The best gift you can give to someone you love, is thought, and a feeling that they are also thought of even when you're doing your own thing. Its not a hard thing to do, and it really makes a difference.

I wish for my friends to find a love that last them a lifetime. And even if they do not stumble upon it, I wish to always give them my friendship for times of need. Sometimes love comes from people you never expected. Sometimes love is more than just a sexual feeling. Sometimes a love can even be a painfully crafted ending, to a long winding road.

I know its a lot of hard work, as I have worked hard on my own relationship, Ive had to change myself in small ways over long periods of time, but for the most part I have changed to be a better person, someone who is deep, understanding, and someone who will always listen. There is so much that I learned from others experiences, I am grateful to share my experiences in hopes that someone may look at them and see something they didn't understand before. Its really all we can do for one another. I have much to learn myself, so much more.
Again I don't have all the answers, although I wish I could have at least 25% of them, I still dig deep into the depths of myself when I am lost, there you will find the answers to questions you didn't realize you were even asking.

Love is different for everyone, love is a mixture of pain, laughter, sorrow, and Excitement, and you cant just have a love that's sweet, cute, It has to be raw, and real. One ingredient surely wont do the trick, so take the pain, sorrow, and on your way to tomorrow, throw it over your shoulder and let lose an amazing laughter, you will find your self along the way I promise.